Four Nights In NYC | Crowd Work Special | Stavros Halkias
We’re not gonna get anywhere else, you’re pretty drunk on a Monday My man’s got his toes out, just on the chair Fucked up, it’s literally… It just turned eight o’clock This man was this drunk at 7:55 on a Monday Jeopardy hours, this fucking guy… This guy is fucking drunk as shit in a folding chair in a bowling alley Respect, man [Funky intro music plays] A strong male figure in the Italian household has to be obese It’s true The two types of Italian fathers are obese and cheating, that’s it And sometimes both, but— What’s that? That’s your dad? Which one, obese and cheating? Oh just cheating. Is he fat? He’s skinny, exactly See what I’m saying? Ok nice, is he like That’s his thing? He’s got two… You said that like, “Well I mean he’s got two sons so…” “He tells em of course” Nice, so yeah Strong family values I’m guessing How’s your dad vote? He’s illegal? He’s an illegal… Wait is he Italian? Oh this is fucking old world Wow [Italian accent] Ima getta so much pussy [accent continues] Fabrizio, Enzio come here Let me tell you about all the pussy I was a-snackin on today You mama she got-a so fat [Normal voice] Ah that’s awesome… That’s a hysterical guy An illegal Italian? That’s a real throwback, you got a… You got an heirloom father They don’t make em like that anymore, dude It’s horrible what he’s doing to your family …but part of me respects it Y’know what I mean? Like when you go to a… Like a… company that has no website? And you’re like, “no website?” “I have to call to…” He has a company with no website? Damn Fuck What does he do? He’s a contractor, I’m guessing? In garbage? Come on! Shut up! Now you’re… This is bullshit He’s whispering in your ear stuff to say So your father’s in the mafia? He’s an illegal Italian who cheats on your mom and works in garbage You haven’t put this together until right now? I’m the guy telling you your dad’s in the mafia? “Yeah, he has to disappear for eight months at a time” “You know how garbage goes” “He’s at a garbage conference for eight months” “Y’know he grows a mustache, dyes his hair blonde…” “What garbage guys do” [Stav] What’s up dude? [Cameraman laughs] Come on in Picking out some fucking clothes The first show back Yup, took three months off Now unfortunately I have to do stand-up comedy again Let’s see how this fucker looks Okay A little fucking… It’s alright, it’s alright Give the people a little underbelly No, I am happy to be here I don’t have much planned. I have a couple jokes I’ll do But I don’t y’know… Just wanna… What’ve you guys been up to? Anybody do anything fun this summer? Anybody go on vaycay? Prague? Nice, where’d you go? Go to some fucking castles n shit? Just bars? You went to Prague to go to bars? Really? Did you go by yourself? Did you go with a crew? With your dad? Oh… Father-son Prague trip, interesting That’s nice, you guys do stuff together all the time? Or is this like… Is he making something up to you? Or is he just being a good dad? Once every four years? Do you have any other siblings? Just you, okay So he can afford to pour some shit into you, cuz there’s no other… You doin okay in life? How old are you? Twenty-one? Oh so you— You have time to— Every four years? Wait a minute So you’ve gone on five trips with your dad? Wait wait wait, maybe he’s not that good a dad You go on vacation every time a president gets elected? Alright… Interesting Everybody else had to work? You didn’t go anywhere? What about you my man? Honeymoon? Nice You guys just got married? Congratulations There you go. How long you been together?
Five years? Nice No problems have come up? You still a couple years from that? Probably? Yeah yeah yeah No, you guys will… Oh yeah— Your face says something different He’s like, “we’re good” Oh twenty years, wow You’ve been wanting to fuck her forever, right? And just her life kind of hit a lull and you were like, Time to pounce You’ve been beating off to her since middle school Uh anyway There’s no way shit’s going good for you two, right? No way No, right? You’ve got an interesting energy about you, something’s… Something’s off I can’t tell what it is You’re wound a little tight Something’s… You need a massage or something, I don’t know Are you dealing with any stress? Something at work maybe? You’re there all the time? What do you do? Fireman, oh okay, oh yeah Something’s fucked up Are you a fireman too? Do you— You are? Oh okay, nice Do you ever do a little— Is that thing real? Where everybody slides on the little thing? The pole? You guys got a pole? Is that that much faster than stairs? Y’know what I mean, like… It feels like it’s just more for panache y’know? It doesn't seem like you're shaving that much time off, but… When did you start being a fireman? Four years, okay nice Didn't get any post 9/11 runoff pussy then, I guess? That must have been sick to be a guy who joins the firefighters in 2002 Y’know what I mean? You’re like, “Yeah it was tough” “That day was tough for all of us” Just was fucking at home hanging out “Yeah, I'll never forget it” That was the sickest time to be a fireman Didn't have to deal with it but Just getting sucked off left and right [GPS directions] [applause] Anybody here losing their hair? Yeah? How's it going buddy? You look okay It’s coming in the crown? You’re gonna have one of those fucked up dick-shaped hairlines How old are you? Twenty-seven? Alright yeah, so you had a good run Y’know, it looks good How are you dealing with it? Does it feel okay? Your doctor? I feel like he fucking overstepped his boundaries a little bit Why did he tell— Did you ask? How did it come up— Okay nice He’s like, “Listen you’re a fat bald piece of shit” “Start fucking running on the treadmill cuz the hair ain’t coming back, pal” “You got one of those you can control” You’re like, “okay sick I’m actually here for my elbow” “but thank you very much” Yeah nice, so you’re just… You're bracing yourself… You’re taking a pill? Wow Is that one of those pills that makes your dick soft though? That is the fucking trade-off I'm sorry to tell you this And by the way gals, check out my hairline I'm just saying No, my dick is also soft But um… Anybody here dealing with a little heartbreak? Anything? This guy is right here Your friend just fucking ratted on you, sorry dude How are things going? Everything okay? Yeah you, dude You’re good? You don't sound good, man It’s alright “Naw man I’m good” “so it’s not a big deal” Huh? Is it fresh? How long? Three months? That’s alright You’re still in the zone “Nah” listen don’t fucking… Listen don’t lie to me right now Don’t lie to yourself and don’t lie to me How’d it end? Whose decision was it? Hers? Okay see? You don't have to posture here, brother. It’s all— It was hers. Did you— How long were you guys together? Three years? Come on, what the— Come on What’re you lying to your friend Stav for? Three years You think three months you’re over it, huh? Gotta get over it, okay In nine months, this man is gonna fall to his knees and start sobbing He’s gonna be at work, he’s gonna be like, [fake sobbing] [laughing] “I fucked up I fucked up so baaaaaaad” “I fucking knew” “She was the only one for meeeee” Just looking at her wedding pictures And just sobbing That's your future if you don’t fucking tell me what happened right now! Huh? She got a new boyfriend Awwww, see? What are you cackling about, Baldy? I see, I see So you’re hurt You wanna be like Mr. Fucking Tough Guy
“I don’t give a fuck, two weeks” Yeah, yeah You will break down, I promise And when it happens, remember me When it all hits you eventually, remember this face Anybody here have a nemesis? You have someone you think about like that? Who's the person you hate the most in the world? You got one You can tell me Nobody knows their name Oh… So it’s her is what you’re saying? You would never say that unless the answer was “her” You see how he couched it, where he’s like “actively” hate anyone So you passively hate her? I'm guessing it was kind of a “this guy” situation? Wasn’t really— Wasn’t really your call that it ended? Yeah, yeah All right so you're starting over Are you guys all friends? You live together? They are You’re just a guy who's sitting here? Why are your guys’ thighs so much closer than them? That’s awesome, dude Something about your pheromones are attracting each other Are you guys bi by any chance? No? The shirt says otherwise It is a hack comedy thing But his shirt is a bisexual shirt, if I’ve ever seen in my life Notice I didn't say “gay”. That's the evolution in hack crowd work You don't call em “gay” You call em “bi” For real though, it is kind of a blouse Anyway, whatever Okay nice, damn So how are you doing with rebuilding your life after After something like that? Summer's fun? You’ve been out there getting your little nuts sucked Nice Good for you, man Do you have a— Do you have like a go-to date move? What do you do? Drinks? Movie? Oh, interesting Quickly into a movie? Not even conversation? You’re like, “I’m not trying to fucking get to know you” Drinks then movie, okay nice What’s your— How many dates on average until you get— Until your penis sees— sees fresh air, would you say? Just out of curiosity One point five? Okay Sometimes one but never three… This guy fucks [sighs] Fuck Think anybody outside will suck me off? [Eldis] There’s some hot guys out there [Stav] What? Guys? [Eldis] Yeah [audience chatter] [Eldis announcing] Sultan Room, Are you ready for some comedy? [muffled] [Eldis announcing] Make some noise for your headliner [Eldis announcing] Stavros Halkias is coming up in a bit Eldis… Blowing it [Cameraman] Do you hear this? [Stav] Yeah, he’s blowing it [Eldis announcing] ...Brittany Carney! [Stav] Damn dude We got Don Pardo in the fucking building [Stav] The fucking announcer himself [Eldis] I was trying to get that little… [Eldis] Trying to get the crowd really… [Stav] Really amped [high voice] Let’s get ready Anybody chubbing up recently? [Group shouting] [Stav] Oh the whole team What’s going on buddy? Aw, such a— very supportive This is so cute, I love this I’m with ya brother I gained a ton of weight during covid What were you snacking on? Cheeses? Thanks for… covering your mouth You’re a cheese guy? He’s eating Parmesan? That’s… You’re eating Parmesan? Respect Just a wheel? She seems very supportive. How did you guys meet?
Same hometown? How long have you been together? Three years, okay Nice, good for you So you moved here together? Okay Damn bro, believe in yourself, Goddamn This girl clearly cares for you, Jesus Christ “I was thin, not now. I’m a fucking piece of shit” “When I wake up every day I’m like, ‘Why are you with me?’” Goddamn bro, relax You think that’s what it was? I dunno… No, no chance Oh wow, really? Wherever you go? You don’t go too many cool places, I guess Listen, it’s cute. I don’t wanna wreck your relationship It’s also— I think that has more to do with your outlook But again, I’m not gonna get into this I’m not gonna blow up his shit Clearly, he’s struggling He doesn’t need— He doesn’t need you to start seeing things clearly right now So I’m gonna move on cuz I like both of you, I like what's going on But I really could have a good time with you I want you to understand I’ve been where you are and I’m not gonna fucking make it worse, okay? This is a man teetering on the edge If this conversation goes a little different No Parmesan cheese is safe within the fucking New York metro area Fuck, but it would be fun Uh… Yeah, I don’t know man It is uh… Anybody do anything to improve themselves this summer? You guys do anything good? A little meek hand raise? What’d you do buddy? Became a yoga teacher? Alright nice Are you doing hot yoga? Sometimes? Do you know the guy who invented hot yoga He just did it to like sexually assault people It is one of the most fucked up stories of all time because it is like— It trends on a lot of stereotypes He’s a new age Indian guy And it’s like That’s like what a racist person thinks hot yoga is Y’know what I mean? It’s like, “Yeah what? It’s fuckin some Indian guy trying to fuck my girlfriend. That’s why—”
“That’s why he’s got her sweating in there” And like, he’d be right in this instance That’s a real loss for… For non-racists everywhere You didn’t go anywhere fun? No vacation for you? No? You just had to work the whole summer? Huh? Anguilla? Okay, there we go Who’d you go with? Parents and husband, oh that’s cute Little fuckin family trip, that’s adorable How old are you? Thirty? Okay So it was like a proper family— Did you pay for yourself? Or did— Oh wow You’re still on the fucking— You’re still on the family fucking dime? Wow Are your parents doing good I guess? They flew out your husband? Damn Is that you? Do you— You’re not doing well I guess? You’re the dead weight that they put up with cuz they love their daughter? Okay, that’s cool Are you more successful than him? Wow, you’re living the dream! You know… And let’s be very clear She’s way hotter than him also Were you going through something when you guys met? You were married when you met him? Oh, man Now, okay hold on hold on. Was this— So how’d you meet? Where’d you meet? At work? Wow Wow that “work husband” shit is real, huh? You were his boss What was the job? What kind of business was it? Prosecutors? Oh… [audience boos] [continued boos] He’s like, “Hey I really like how you” “sent that teenager to jail for life” “That was real—” “That showed real moxie” “Why don’t we talk about it at your parents’ beach home?” Nice man, that’s fun Nobody else? No other vacations here? What about you? You look tan. Where’d you go? Huh? Tahoe? Interesting Bachelor party? Oh… You guys do anything fucked up over there at the bachelor party? Twelve guys hanging out? Damn That… That’s too many guys, honestly Twelve You weren’t friends with all of them right? Yeah, yeah that’s tough It’s like camp It’s like the shitty camp vibes What do you think… Out of twelve, where would you rank yourself? Oh, he ranked you!? Wow, what a fucking sociopath “This is what’s gonna make me feel good” “I want Number Twelve to be sad all day” Where’d you end up? Nine? Nine out of twelve? You should— Honestly, You should’ve been the first cut And then you just should’ve taken the top eight It should be Myspace rules for a Bachelor party, I feel like Nothing that anybody’s ashamed of happened at the bachelor party? Did anybody embarrass themselves? You can talk to your pal Stav Huh? You were asleep? So, yeah you deserve to be Nine Fucking haven’t seen them since college, sleeping “Uh I’m gonna turn in, boys” “Strip clubs are pretty expensive” “I wanna get a good start and go jogging tomorrow” Did you work out while you were there? You stink [Stav] Alright [Cameraman] How’d that one feel? [Stav] It was pretty bad The show was not good. The crowd was not good
So you went to Aruba though? You did? You did, okay Boys’ trip to Aruba, nice Who are the boys? These guys? Oh, the whole team The whole team showed up Fresh from fucking Aruba Hell yeah dude, tan lines Let me— Pull your waistband down. Let me see your— [Stav laughs] They’re doing it! The thighs are looking a little white, you’re right. I love it So just you guys? Now, Aruba Is this one of these places where three men would go for sex tourism? Is that— That sucks, don’t be proud of that “Yeah, we did! We took advantage of “how much we’ve ravaged the third world” “Yeah, me and the boys” “…saved a lot of money on prostitution, thanks to “thanks to American foreign policy of the twentieth century” “These women are desperate to get out of Aruba, baby!” Stop being proud, you idiots! They’re like, “that is what we did!” Y’know I will say, I don’t… I think you guys at least were nice It seems like you probably busted pretty fast You were probably… You were probably some of her best clients, y’know? The opposite? What… You lasted extra long? Why? You were training, you were like “I’m gonna get my money’s worth” Like a guy clipping coupons He’s at the Pennysaver trying to get two-for-one blowjobs He’s like, “hey if we both put our dick in the same condom “that only counts for one” “We’re gonna go half here” You guys are so happy-go-lucky But I don’t like you, you understand? There’s something innate that I enjoy about our back-and-forth But if I read the transcript, I’d be like “I don’t fuck with these guys” Anybody here losing their hair or going bald? Anything like that? [woos from audience] Yeah? Oh, we’re dealing with it with hats You seem like you’re in a good place You guys seem to have a good relationship, you’re just gonna both lose his hair together, it seems like Damn But you don’t mind? You don’t mind a bald head, ma’am? Your dad? Okay, well… Ah, of course The most fuckable man you know is bald So that— Do you like your dad? Oh, wow Shit, I was gonna say "Well your symbol of what a good man is, “is bald, so who cares" but you're like "Nah my dad, who I hate, is bald so…” "Hey listen, he’s a piece of ass though, I gotta give him that” "Not a good dad, but boy oh boy” [audience woos] Any women in here with short kings tonight? Oh nice, bald and short? Little penis too? The trifecta? No no He’s not? No Big dick? Oh… That’s why you don’t care that he’s bald My man’s packing. Respect, dude Alright… Who cares about a little receding hairline when you got a fucking— a hammer in those jeans That’s nice Biggest penis you’ve ever seen? No, I won’t— I’m trying to turn it into an insecurity Oh, it’s not? You know she’s seen a bigger penis? Oh, you don’t know and you don’t wanna know Yeah yeah yeah That’s one of those you don’t wanna flip… Deal or no deal? You take the deal on that one You don’t open the suitcase Ooh fuck, now you’re gonna be wondering Thank you very much, I appreciate it [Cameraman] Did you get some food? We’re gonna order something Alright, what’re we thinking? [Stav] They’re veggie dumplings [Eldis laughs] Recently? What happened? Didn’t work out? “We”? Doesn’t sound like it was a “we” It sounds like more of a— Sounds like more of a “she” figured it out You guys lived together? And then— But I guess that’s— Two years That’s literally the pandemic, right? You were a roommate who dicked her down occasionally She was like “Hey, I don’t know if you saw, vaccines are out, so” “Take it easy, chief” What’re you doing now? Are you good? Back at home with your parents That’s tough How old are you by the way? Twenty-six, okay So you’re right on the line where it’s acceptable I was in there I was with you, but I wasn’t proud of it Y’know at twenty-six? Living at home Uh, not getting pussy as well Or maybe— You’re a cute kid, I’m sure you’re getting pussy, but— Not as much as I would think? I was being polite, let’s be honest To be honest, I didn’t think you were getting that much pussy You just had to push it, didn’t ya pal? Where’s the last place you hooked up with somebody since you live with your parents? Her place Never like a outdoor situation or a car or anything like that? It is summer, that’s true Have you fucked outdoors? Many times? Oh shit. Wow, look at you
Where? Did you have like a spot? Or was this in your youth Or what’re we talking? No, dude! No No, stop You understand you could become a sex offender, right? “Your honor, my dick was out but the girl was of age” He’s at the top of the slide, y’know what I mean? Not even a high school, man? Show some fucking decorum That’s alright dude. Alright, well listen Don’t fuck near any elementary schools anymore Do you have any plans on getting out of your parents’ house? Are you just gonna hold it down for a sec? It is fucking brutal, right? That fucking sucks Well listen, ride it out But you know what they say New York real estate, always going down You should be back in no time, pal You’re gonna be fucking at that elementary school til you’re forty Oh man Oh baby Yeah no, that was a good one, man Yeah maybe if the first show was as good as that, I wouldn’t have been so fucking depressed between shows [yawns] [singing] I’m gay [singing] I’m gay Anybody work on anything this summer? Anybody have anything they wanna fucking fix about themselves? Hm? What about you pal? What’re you up to? Yeah, you over there Broken leg? Shattered femur? Oh, you didn’t break it at work You don’t even get workers’ comp One thirty in the morning Your brother gets the dirt bike out? Of course. Why wouldn’t you? This is what happens if you don’t get pussy, by the way If— If only some poor woman with low self esteem had run into this man, that night His femur is intact Unfortunately there was no head anywhere and you fucking shattered your leg. That’s a shame, dude That’s okay. Where do you work? Construction? You’re working construction with a broken leg? You’re out of work Damn You can’t fucking fake something and pretend it was on the job? You’re enjoying it? Are you getting paid? What do you mean, “not the most”? Oh really? Just cuz you’re injured? Even on a— Even on a dirt bike at 1:00 am? Wow, are you in a union I’m guessing? See? Hell yeah This is why we need unions I think dumb Italians who break their legs on a dirt bike deserve to be able to feed their families, alright? This is great. This man—
This man is a beneficiary of socialism right here Let me guess I wonder if your father votes that way [Italian accent] “Yeah Bernie Sanders, that’s my fuckin kinda guy” “We gotta fuckin redistribute da wealth” “Fuckin Jeff Bezos” “If I fuckin get my fuckin hands on him…”