Picking Myself Up Again + Motel Tour

Hello, welcome back to my channel, it, has, been a. While. I, definitely. Miss. Uploading. Like I haven't uploaded, in like almost three months or something like that or maybe more than three months I don't know it's been a while I guess I'm just gonna talk, about what's. Been going on with me and why, I haven't, been. Creating. Like, I. Love. And, impassionate. About, doing, this is gonna be a, kind. Of difficult video for me to make I actually already filmed this video once before and, I. Just. Don't. Want to be that, girl, that. Cries. On camera so, I. Plan. To. Actually. I don't plan on it I'm just sure it will happen, I. Am, sure that I will pop. My crying on camera cherry. One. Of these days I just don't want it to be today I want, to make, a kind of. Like. Serious, somewhat sad like honestly, like this is gonna be kind of a sad video I don't, know I feel bad like I. It's. So funny because I, really. Do do this for me I do this because I love YouTube I do this because I love to make videos and. For. The last, three. Months I, have, not felt at all like myself and for, the last like four or five days maybe I've actually started to really feel. Happy. Again and more like me. And, I. Rediscovered. My, passion, for writing which, I had actually lost which, has never happened to me before. And. It. Was really difficult. So, let's start with a couple of like more, easy. Topics, for me to talk about many. Of you know that I am pregnant I'm. Very. Excited, we're. Thinking, about names and. It's. A girl and, we. Are just I mean. I'm. Just so, I'm like, so excited, that I'm, going to be a mommy and, you. Know I'm halfway through my pregnancy, and. I. Don't. Know if you guys know this but I'm, pretty sure I probably did, some complaining on Twitter but. During the first two months of my pregnancy I, was pretty much in bed like 20, hours a day and I was just exhausted. And my. Doctor. Was like all. Right it is kind of weird but okay but maybe, let's, check your vitamin D levels and apparently, it turned out that I was low in vitamin D which can cause you to feel like more, tired than you really are and so. I, went. On vitamin D and I improved, my levels from like 14 to 29 so, I. Feel. Like my energy levels, have improved, and that was just like, that. Was a very minor thing like, it's no it's not a big deal like I it's. Just like one of those small things that I figured I would put out there. Because. I'm avoiding talking about the real stuff that happened um. You. Might remember that I wasn't uploading, that frequently. In like, summer January, that was because I was basically embedded, with morning, sickness which I don't know why they call it morning sickness they need to change the name to, all-day. Sickness okay. And I. Was all day sick all day for like two months. And. I, was not uploading, whatsoever, and well. Not whatsoever but like I only uploaded like two or three videos maybe, four. I'm not sure in December. And January and. I. Was. Just like I can't I just physically, could get out of bed like, I wanted to but. I just couldn't and so, like. January rolls around and I'm like Fiat starting to feel better you know coming. Up on the second trimester and, I was just starting to feel better you know I'm starting to feel a little bit more. Energetic. And like, I not, ill and I. Was. Like alright great so I made a video my, last video about my call it like why did he go to college right after high school, so after, that video I was, all excited because I was like it like I'm gonna get back in the swing of things here I'm. No longer feeling ill constantly. Um, that. Sounds terrible, I feel so bad right now because, that's the truth that's just the way I felt you know like I was literally in bed for 20 hours a day and I really don't know if I should I feel. Like I shouldn't have to apologize for, not feeling, well um. But. I I feel bad anyways because that's just, how. I am. So. I was really excited because I'm starting to feel better again and I.

Was Like okay I'm gonna film this weekend, and the, first weekend in February rolls, around and I get a message from my, cousin, to call, my grandma and I. Was really worried because I know that my grandpa has heart problems and he. Has been a hustla before and. You. Know so I'm, you. Know I'm pretty worried when I call her and I was like is everything okay and she. Told me that um that. My father had passed away and I. Was devastated. Um you. Know a. Good. Cry on camera I, already. Said that I'm not gonna cry so. I. Spent. That. Weekend. You. Know reflecting. And. Mourning. And um. Spending, time with a family. That I have in Memphis and. Just. You. Know going through. This. News. That I got this horrible horrible news that I got and just. Trying. To. Understand, it. Because. He's. He. Was a very young man he's only 55, years old um. So. It. Was really difficult when we hear that news so. I spent a long time just trying to understand how. This could happen and. I don't, think I'll ever understand, it a couple. Weeks later I had actually already, planned a trip, back to Canada, um. So. I went on my trip back to Canada, so you know my plane tickets, were booked and everything also it, was a I think. It was really important, for me to go back and. You. Know talk to my family and, reminisce. And. Be. There with them and for. Them to be there for me, I spent. Two weeks in Canada and that, was the end of February, just, before I left for Canada. We. Took our cat to the vet. And. We. Found out that she had, cancer. And. The. Vet told us that she would have a few months before it became too. Painful for her to eat. Despite. Any. Medication. We might be able to give her and make things more comfortable for her in. Reality. By. The time I got back from Canada. She. Was already at that point and, she. Was, no longer, eating. She was no longer able to be. A cat, you. Know do cat, things, and. It. Was, really sad to, watch something that had been so alive. Just. A few months earlier. Get. To that state. She. Died a week later.

So. Here. I am. Growing. A life inside, of me and. Everything. Around me is dying. It was, a lot to. Deal with and. I. Spoke. To my, physician and I. Asked. Her if she thought it would be a good idea for me to get a. Therapist. And, she. Said yes it's better to process. These things now as they're happening rather than wait and. Have. Them be. You. Know more difficult, to process later on. The. Healthy thing is to go through all the grief now and so. I. Got. In touch with the therapist and I, have. Been seeing her once a week, and I really think she's helping so far we're still like I've only seen her like four times so we're still in the kind of getting, to know you a bit phase, of. The. Therapy, and sometimes, like sometimes one therapist is a good fit and another time that they're not a good fit so I'm, still, kind of trying to feel. That out and see she's a good fit for me I think she is but, um we're, still in that like. Initial, phase of things, but. So far I found it helpful, and it, has helped me so far to like see things in a different way or, to. Understand. Why. I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and. How to how. To process, those. Feelings one. Of the ways that I process, my feelings is through. My, creative, outlet so I love to write and I found that I. Have. Lost that joy, I had lost that joy of writing and, I. Had. Lost my, that. I had lost the joy of expressing. Myself on. My. Videos which is another thing that I loved doing and. When. I. When. I realized that I no longer had, that joy, in me. To do the things I loved that, was, really when I realized, that, there's. A lot I need to process and work through, before I can, get. Back on camera or even just write a blog post and. I. Tried. To, write I think I might have, one thing right. I think I did publish one thing so. In, the, last three, months I've, published. A. Total. Of two blog posts which is like. Nothing. And, one of them was about my dad and just. Because I was trying to get my feelings out there and I thought that writing. Would help me cuz they it. Always done this it always helps, me to. Write and, I. Don't. Know if it helped me this. Time but I had. To write something, after. I started, seeing my therapist, I did start to feel better and, be. Able to process the, news, that I got from Canada, but, I have other goals, for, therapy, too I. Know. That I still have some issues to work through from, my childhood. I'm, over, a lot of it but. Something. Triggered my anxiety, when I was in Canada and, I realized that I'm not completely over everything. Um. Some of the stuff like that I put on my channel like I'm completely over that like um. When. I was homeless or, like when my parents left me with neighbors like that I'm literally completely over those things but. There's certain other things I'm not over and I realized it after I had my anxiety, trade while I was in Canada and, so. Part, of my goals with my therapist, is to figure out like. What. It is about those things typically. That made me anxious or, like just how to deal, with anxiety in, general as, well as how to. Process. The, grief, that I have, surrounding. The death of my father the, last thing that happened to me and this is why I took another like three weeks off so, I've actually filmed, this video before but like I said I was crying in it I just don't want to post that I know, you guys won't judge me but. I, I. Just don't want to be that girl you know I don't want to be that girl least not yet anyway, I'm. Sure I will be one day I'm a highly highly empathetic. Person like, so. If I like, see a, video, of a dog on Facebook I like start crying like it's it's, kind because but so, the reason, why this video, is like, even.

Another, Three, weeks the league Irie, film until, now, because. I. Started. Having some other, health, complications, related. To my pregnancy. Basically. I would, go to sleep at night and I. Would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and this. Happened, like every. Day or every other day for. A week, and then, one night it, happened, like. Every, single 20-30. Minutes maybe, I go. An hour one, time of actual sleep. So. I was woken up several times that, night. With. Just my, heart beating, out of my chest and I was like I can't, do this anymore, I'm not sleeping, and, this, is just not healthy I you. Know I know it was so. I got. In touch with my doctor and, she. Sent, me no cardiologist. Now, if you're following me on Twitter I was like a photo of like me was like a cardia, cardiology. Monitor. Thing on and, I was like it's just a fancy necklace I'm fine like I. Didn't. Really know that I was fine I was just trying to maintain a positive attitude cuz honestly if I stress, about something, that's even worse like, because, your blood pressure goes up when you're stressed, which. Is bad. So. I. Was. Just like trying, to remain, like positive. And my, family, was really coming, together around me and they're like you're gonna be okay and. Um. I. Had, to wear this monitor, for. A day that just recorded all of my heartbeats and there. Was nothing really serious on it so he's like something I want to medicate you for it's just um, you know heart palpitations. Which is what it's called apparently. It's. Really common during pregnancy and. Sorry. The baby just kicked so it like distracted. Me but. Anyways. And I, have another appointment in six weeks just to follow up so, hopefully. I'm still doing okay, and they. Don't need to medicate me for anything I haven't, actually had, heart, palpitations in, the last week. And a half so I actually have been sleeping, again and. I'm. Just so happy because, I have rediscovered. My, joy of writing I spent like three. Hours writing. A blog post that's basically just gonna say similar, stuff to what I've said in this video so far and. I. Wrote. That and I'm so happy that I finally like I was like this makes me happy again oh that's, awesome. So. I'm feeling more like myself again and I'm just so grateful. For. That and I feel like like. I have done some work to get here I have processed. Some my grief I have been to therapy I have been staying like. Going. To the gym and just try to take care of my nutrition.

And. I just I really, feel like just. Taking care of my health and my nutrition, and my. Mental, health has. Helped me process this a lot faster than I think if I had done nothing and. I. Am. Really grateful for that so I'm really lucky that I have been able to, rediscover. My love of writing and, rediscover. My love of filming, and that. Is why I'm here right now, talking. To y'all so. I, hope, that you're doing amazing, and you're, happy and that you're having a good day. Or evening or, whatever. In. Case. You can't tell I am in a hotel room because. I actually, just came back from a meet-up. With. Self. Publishing with Dale Dale, Kelly, published his wife and Helen, Kinson, and, it. Was a lot of fun and. Yeah. So. I. Just. Missed. This so much, so I'm just so happy to be here we're, like doing, this or whatever I. Honestly. Hope that you continue to follow my journey I'm, sorry, away for so long it makes me sad but. I, know, that you'll forgive me. Or. You won't and you're like Mirage. Dry. But. Um. Thank. You so much for being here. You later, bye. Okay, so this is the bonus part of the video um. This. Is just gonna be a voiceover I am currently staying, at the Red Roof Inn in. Columbus. Ohio, because. I just got done of a meet-up I know, that all the, really. Fancy. Beauty. And YouTube. Gurus. Do. Like hotel, tours, so. I just wanted to do a hotel, to her because, I am. Very fancy too. Okay. Back to the voiceover. Okay. This is kind of ridiculous but okay, so. Here. We have our lovely, heating. And air conditioning unit. That is only sort, of too loud to sleep with it on and then. We have this bed I. Find. This bed to be not, comfortable, whatsoever, something. Is poking, me, yeah. There is definitely something poking, me and it, hurts and um. I don't, like it but. Of course I have to be fair like my I bought an avocado bed, and I love it furthermore there. Is only slightly, like. And I. Have to be on like just a little bit of a blood stain on the inside so, I sleep. With my clothes on um. But. You. Know they're trying to keep it classy, you. Know they don't they don't want there to be too much of a blood stain just a, little bit right so, I think that's the way that the marketing works you know you want to know you're staying in a motel. I'm. Sorry I'm just I'm just off. Of. Course the flashing, Lord clock. It's. That's. Great that's, very useful. I know, it's exactly, 8, hours. And 42 minutes from, then right now so that. You know yeah, um this, is where I was just filming my video right here what. Did that filming, space. Bathroom. Is pretty basic but it's actually not bad i'll be--i'll give them the bathroom like it's just it's a boring a bathroom. But it's. It's. Actually okay it's fine you know I didn't, I didn't, notice anything weird about Oh. Speak. Actually this is not bad hi, I'm, here, oh my, goodness, um. Aren't I looking fantastic. One. Other thing, is, the. Floors and I'm not going to just like show you the floors because you're not gonna be able to tell but. It, feels. Like they they. Didn't even bother to like put. A foundation on, the building they, just decided. We're. Just gonna put the heart or like this is probably laminate, but it looks like hardwood is, definitely. Laminate but um. They. Just like built it on top of the gravel or whatever was here before they. Just tried to flatten it maybe with like a bulldozer and like, put. The floor over, the, ground because, you can distinctly. Feel, the changes. In shape of the floor like as you're walking on it it is not. Level. Whatsoever. It's like they didn't even try. But. Anyways I. Like. That they have a microwave, and a fridge honestly. Like you. Can get very far with just a microwave, and a fridge you're, gonna have to be creative and then. They have a TV stuff, so I mean. What. Would, stay again you. Know I have. Not seen any, vermin. So. That's. A good sign but. I. Might. Stay here again it's not horrible it's not horrible, that's. Give, the guy 2.5, stars two and a half you. Know but. Anyways I know, that a lot of people do like fancy, hotel room like. Tours. And stuff and I was like you know what I'm. Into, a motel, too. Anyways. This, angle is terrible. They're much. Better and, I. Guess I'll see you next, time. Bye. I actually. Love going to see my obstetrician because. I, get to hear my baby's heartbeat and it's like.

It's. Like soothing or something I just love listening to my baby's heartbeat.

2019-05-15 13:26

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