Mock The Week - Series 20 Episode 09
i read about the things that happened throughout the world bring it on hello and welcome to mock the week i'm darrell bree and joining me this week are maisy adam reese james and jen brister angela barnes hugh dennis and ahersha we started around called picture of the week i should have had a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening so what's going on here if you see something that doesn't look right report it to a member see it say it slaughter it this is the new fast and the furious movie too fast too expensive i think this is possibly the 720 to ship creek is this uh boris is angry that he was denied a family rail card because it would bankrupt national race is he saying if you don't hand me that ipad and let me watch peppa pig i'm going to scream this just uh just to clarify for anyone watching in the north this is a train he's probably saying no honestly grant if you get me a coffee i'll give you a peerage this is boris sitting on a train which is a nice change from him lying on a bus looks like he's saying you put your right arm in you put your right arm out because of me too you can't bloody shake it all about don't you hate it when there's a group of loud wankers on a train so you go over to ask them to be quiet and they get so angry they bankrupt your nan you can really tell can't you how out of touch they are with real people look i mean they're on a train and not a single m s snack the green bars above their heads make it look like they're on street fighter and they've got full heads is boris johnson on the train because he cancelled the eastern leg of hs2 absolutely right thank you very much you dennis yes this is under fire prime minister boris johnson pictured here on the train alongside transport secretary grant shops how has the government come off the rails recently then well with that i mean hs2 is a is a big u-turn it's taken 12 years so far to not build it yeah and we're going to finish bits of it by 2040 i think and frankly i think i may well be dead by the time it arrives but to be honest i feel that about a normal train quiet so what they've done is they've cut the eastern leg of hs2 which is going to make it a lot more difficult for me to get to yorkshire but to be honest i'm not sure i'd have been that welcome anyway kiyostama came out and said that this uh that the north of england has been betrayed um whereas andy burnham said the north shall revolt we rise at dawn i love that kia stomach said the north of england has been betrayed that might as well be what kierstama says if you pull a string on his back that's all he ever says if you had if you've got a kissed armature for christmas it would just be the north has been betrayed please put me down i need to self-isolate they worry so much about speed but capacity's the problem really and i think that's a thing that a lot of men struggle to understand really it's a lot in my lungs i've never thought well i delivered her some capacity i may have done it quickly but there was a load yeah but the tourism you know the cabinet is mainly made up of men and they're they've never ever been interested in hst have they and i think it's mainly because boris has confused it with hrt what did the prime minister's love of this week peppa pig peppa pig yes thanks sarah he went to peppa pig world he used cameron's loyalty card and he went straight through yeah did gammon's getting free to peppa pig i just assumed that being prime minister means you're busy i don't have time to go to peppa pig world ah why would you possibly go to peppa pig it is very much a case of if you as a solo childless male go to peppa pig world you'll see a lot of people going yeah no he's over now he's in miss rabbit's shop of many cash registers uh i know my peppa pig world people are angry now that he went to peppa pig world and mentioned peppa pig in a speech wait to see how angry people are in two weeks when daddy pig's been given the contract for the booster yeah it was yeah confederation british industry did a speech which was in the northeast and then while let's say not nailing the speech i'd be safe to say there was one second a 21 second gap where he totally lost his place and said forgive me three times which is close to any apology as any of us are ever going to hear and then he going into the peppa pig and a joke including going to them have you been to peppa pig to a load of people who live 450 miles away from peppa piglet they even when he wasn't speaking it wasn't great when you actually listen to just the dead space of that speech the way he breathes that's not right do you hear it it's like a travelodge hair dryer i always see an amazing thing on the side of a bus during the next campaign just a picture of him with the way he reads it's not right it's not it's not right he just uses so many words that don't make sense it's like me when i was at university trying to meet a word count in an essay did you ever get halfway through an essay and just randomly tangent into has anyone ever been to peppa pig it's amazing like peppa pig one completely blew his mind can you imagine if he went to euro disney he'd [ __ ] himself conservative mps oh they've discovered that some of them are actually uh members of parliament yes yeah yes a promoter shocked with their employers uh it's sleazy isn't it it is on and on and on and on and on it's such a disgrace this second job thing when you consider the job market right there's famously not enough jobs to go around at the moment and a bunch of tory southerners have got two each whereas some poor northerners like anton deck have one between them i don't mind them having a second job if we can choose the second job that they've got like i'm totally open to that so i don't i don't mind dominic rob i don't know rodding my septic tank i'm completely i don't think we should i don't know it's a bit rich for us to complain about second jobs i mean hugh is a super obsessed scientist and we know it yeah i play right back for chelsea i mean we've all got stuff going on i'm like all other irish people thank you and i'm on the chase in other news what is going on here is that a photo finish at sports day at the old people's home if biden's iphone has to be unlocked by his face i reckon that turkey has an eighty percent chance of being able to open they're probably having a conversation who's got the shortest life expectancy is it the toughest ever round of blindfolded prostate exam who am i i think actually it might well be joe biden just going no where has that turkey gone in fairness to her jill biden absolutely nailed halloween this year yes of course this is youth person joe biden senior pardoning turkey's name peanut butter and jelly for thanksgiving it's been answered this week that biden will be running for office again in 2024. yeah but what was historic about president biden's recent colonoscopy it was the first colonoscopy in history where they just found dust the doctor came out of the room and he's like we found a roman coin up there i really don't know how that happened it was the um while he was under anaesthetic yes camara camelot kamala i'm never hamlet harris was uh had presidential powers for an hour and 25 minutes yes it's the only time a woman has had any presidential power and um you know the white house was spotless but surely that's going to keep happening isn't it with joe biden surely like every day she's going to be end up being president it's like oh we've got an appointment with the carotidist oh we spilled some soup always having a tricky poo if she is president when he's asleep she is president they do put you to sleep though because when i had a colonoscopy because i'm a man of that age i said could i just do this under local as opposed to general anesthetic and the guy who was doing it turned to me and said you won't thank me after the first three or four feet oh they put feet in there now we play a round called hs too fast hs2 furious this game involved jen and ahar so if you could make your way to the performance area please it's around as a standard challenge i launched a wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel for our first topic the first topic is parenting going yes i am a parent i have twins with my partner um no we're not uh solicitors we are lazers just to uh just to be clear what our situation is i am the non-biological mum and my girlfriend is the biological mum and yes that is how we refer to each other at home lightweight boxes of detergent um she's personal i'm daz that's just how we do it uh now look i don't know how everyone copes do not down but i found it pretty difficult to create boundaries uh for our children during lockdown it was tricky and i think it was easier for my parents because uh when i was a kid it was the 80s and it was easy to create boundaries for your children in the 80s because if your kid was misbehaving you just give them a slap yeah no one judged you people didn't judge you society didn't judge you in fact if you were misbehaving in public as a kid it was quite normal for people to look at you and go why is no one hitting that kid and the parents will be like oh thanks sweetheart i've got my hands full it's got quite tense isn't it i feel like there's a little bit of judgement there no one judges you harsher than another woman okay no one yeah because there's always one mum doing it better than you she can't keep that to herself you know she can't keep it to herself she's like oh i'm so sorry to hear your children aren't sleeping poor you oh johnny here he's slept through since birth do you know what i think it is i think it's something to do with the energy you give your children i really believe that and i think if you give your children positive energy they really feed off that energy and they internalize it yeah this is kind of woman that has a piece of her daughter's placenta around her neck yeah she makes her own almond milk i feel like saying to it you want to know why your kid is sleeping love well i'll tell you why it's because you've bored him to death with your penis percy all stop worshiping [ __ ] thank you very much okay that leaves you without her let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel it's home life where you come so uh at the beginning of 2020 i just started living alone for the first time that was a good idea i'll see friends in the evenings it's fascinating living on your own i recommend it you learn a lot about uh your friends about society yourself yeah well the first thing you learned is that uh when you live on your own no one interferes but equally no one checks like everything all right in there it isn't it's fascinating you learn how much of your normality was only ever a performance for your flatmates i clocked within about a fortnight that it was only the continued presence of either will or tom that meant that i didn't always have at least some come on me i'm like my [ __ ] but still an awful look you know i'm living my best life i'm living this is what it looks like to see a young guy living his best life what i was actually living through was a low-grade mental breakdown and a minor eating disorder and this eventually came to a head after a couple of months when right guys you know how you think you can't get scurvy i am here to tell you that if for a period of let's call it two months very little passes your lips that is not gin or crisps you can yourself begin to exhibit the telltale signs of scurvy despite the fact that you are not and i cannot stress this enough never have been an 18th century naval explorer i'd have been fine if i just put lime in the gin it's fine i just started buying juice how bad could it be if the cures are introduced but i'm not a doctor i just look like i'd make an excellent one thank you our next one is called if this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories jen which category would you like uh world news okay your topic is world news the answer is 40 000 what is the question is this how many chin hairs i've found since i've turned 40. is it how many new imdb entries as romesh had this year is it how many winks does joe biden have every afternoon did you say winks i didn't say winks yeah will this be the name of the final adele album is it if you wanted to prove that the sun shone out of your ass what wattage bulb is it uh what is the decibel level when a dad sneezes is it is it how many booster shots have we given the queen is it at the start of 2021 how many energy companies there were is it how many years old do i feel when i go on tick-tock oh please do do me a favor is it how many forms you have to fill in if you want to import a sausage to northern ireland is it how many people a white guy has to kill to get convicted in america is it how many visitors has peppa pig world lost since boris how much does salt bay charge for a tap water is it if you shout the word stevo in clapham how many australians will flock to you i think the actual answer is is how many how many protesters were there in austria over covid regulations absolutely right thank you very much very good yes the question was how many people marched against covert restrictions in the austrian capital of vienna this week the demonstration was the largest single protest during a spate of civil unrest that swept across europe as people took to the streets to oppose new lockdown measures in the face of a fourth wave of the coveted 19 pandemic what do you make of the protests i can't get on board with this story without resorting to stereotypes right because the austrian health minister is called wolfgang muckstein but the only way that could be more austrian is if he made his announcements from a tower his stepmother had locked him in it's uh it was interesting seeing this uh demonstration in austria because there were loads of austrians on the street shouting down with the fascist dictatorship and you're like better late than never they're really not worried about it spreading here though because there'll be no writing in britain certainly no looting because the shops haven't got anything in them so what level is your bad at the moment what the you know level [ __ ] well i didn't know the answer and i just uh yeah i know europe has a dramatic spike which first france and germany has almost brought it to the level of the uk's with that for three months the reason like we're supposedly okay is because we had the great policy from borisov everyone got ill last year yeah he now thinks it's fine so now we're looking at europe like we're a mean girl going oh you've got a spike have you we did that last year 2020. stop trying to make covert happen it's not gonna happen
i like the german health minister said that by the end of this he expected all of um everyone to be either cured vaccinated or dead jesus you're german like a german version of live laugh love in all these stories they keep describing angela merkel as the outgoing german chancellor which just makes it sound like she's trying to be really fun on a dating app i'm the lockdown who wants to party uh there look there are a lot of very angry people because we've fed a lot of angry stuff for months and months and months i occasionally hello stumble into the crosshairs of people who are really angry about this stuff particularly with the facts and things uh at the weekend i got one because apparently i did a photo shoot once in which i do this or the one hand on my eye or i looked through this because you get bored during photo shoots and apparently this means i'm a fascist a secret a fascist freeman oh is that because you're showing the after yeah and i yeah it apparently means that i am oh my cover is blown uh imagine them just seeing somebody you know on a bus like going with a baby like whoop whoop oh you're radicalising a toddler where was it the symbol of it where is that i don't know i don't know the fashion the freemasons because any time i tried to ask them they just went no we're not talking to you about this i think it's an illuminati thing it's an illuminati thing i think and if you're like framing your eye am i part of the illuminati thank you very much the illuminati not the brownies how has the tv out for a supermarket tesco upset some people because it shows santa claus showing a vaccine passport in an airport not in the supermarket yeah in an airport where you do have to show a vaccine park but people the anti-vaxxers got all upset about them and i just say well they should have seen the earlier version where mrs claus died on a ventilator it's so easy to wind people up isn't it it's it's not it's not too angry really fast yeah i said in a complaint this was ridiculous okay a couple of reasons first of all he doesn't need a vaccine passport this is a man famous for sneaking okay he knows how to get around that secondly he drives a sleigh doesn't go through airports and thirdly the main thing i was living about he's got a phone i've been writing him [ __ ] letters it is almost um it's almost poetic isn't it that the people who are upset about this think that covert 19 is fake but are very very much still believing in some person wait till they find out the tooth fairy's had the hpv vaccine i think it's great they're boycotting tesco's because it means now tesco's is the safest place to shop there's no anti-vaxxers in there they could do tk max next that's my christmas shopping but iran agreed because the north pole is full of snowflakes with a bit of a laugh down there yeah freemasons lodge about that you're so subtle when you see each other in the street the only group you've just joined with that is the pirates of the caribbean also if you do keep doing that dora you are going to confuse a lot of lesbians as well oh my god does this mean i'm now lesbian uh you're a lesbian free person how do you feel you've just let every lesbian in britain know that you like scissoring is that the scissoring coat is there a scissoring coat holy crap no reason oh my god now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area i'll read at this week's topics and see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear on a quiz show welcome to a question of sport question one how the hell did paddy mcguinness get this gig and if you do win what will you spend the money on plastic surgery i imagine next up on naked attraction it's the bonus round i said bonus well welcome back to the wheel of fortune celebrity special where greta thundberg has won an suv a patio heater and two flights to america hello i'm richard osmond and i'm [ __ ] massive in this game show i'm just gonna hold some gemstones on my forehead and leave it up to the powers that be this is the crystal maisy you opted to text your lads whatsapp group instead of phone a friend are you sure your final answer is shut up younoms complete the following sentence alec baldwin thought the gun was loaded with blank we asked for things a doctor might find in a rectum you said cucumber let's see if it's up there welcome to tippingpoint the show where we find out the exact moment your mum decided to leave your dad well let's see how you got on we asked you for a capital beginning with c and you said capital c dwayne the rock johnson lord voldemort and dara o'brien welcome to eggheads so this next question is for one million pounds which i will be paying from my own pocket i will only ask this question once what is for them now it's time for would i lie to you starring o.j simpson bill clinton and the vote leave bus if confronted by a pack of wolves should you a play dead or b run away let's find out and now for the million pound question reese true or false there is a scissoring code the next topic is bad people to work with welcome to yorkshire cricket club i'd uh i'll give it a couple of minutes if i was you or maybe use another lift so uh we operate a hot desk policy here but we also operate an ugly desk policy and that's where you'll be sitting hey so for eileen's birthday she's asked us to just do a quick whip around i know the kinky [ __ ] uh yeah no he's all right to work with us just he doesn't really contribute much to the conversation he just waits till you finish speaking and then presses a little buzzer yeah that's the funny thing about me i don't eat sardines but i do smell of them sorry the boss is angry at me for making innocent everyday phrases seem like threats just by cracking my knuckles well i'm gonna send him a message i'm actually quite anal so stationary-wise pencils rubbers paper clips um all of that goes right out my ass oh i'm so glad that you've all enjoyed the bread that i baked for you i made it with yeast from my own urinary tract infection oh god i'm so sorry i've got piles to do if i can find my cream the q3 projections aren't quite good enough which means that the gods are displeased and more blood is required my biggest weakness probably my honesty there's three bodies under my desk oh uh your camera's off john yeah if you just yeah if you just switch account just press the button and switch your camera on was it such a big deal you're a [ __ ] cameraman mate okay well there was one of you here in analytics who at my pie chart uh sorry do you mind if i have tomorrow off i just check my diary and uh it's my domio day we have a zero tolerance approach to bullying so your fats becky [ __ ] you're gonna have to leave with a paper free office which says well i like to work my ass with my hand lovely to meet you happy ending around the boys and that's the aim of the show this week's winners are maisie adam reese jones and jim bristow congratulations to angela barnes judas and ahersha thanks for watching i'm daryl green good night is wow
2021-11-30 02:03
