How Hippo Meat Almost Saved America • Puppet History
foreign [Music] puppet history this is a show where a fuzzy little freak named the professor teaches a guy named Ryan and a special guest about history each week There's a different lesson and the professor rewards his guests with jelly beans ah cute he also poops jelly beans he then Awards a trophy called the coveted cup after Consulting with what he claims to be a complex Victory algorithm Ryan has lost every episode even though he's definitely gotten more jelly beans than the guest on countless occasions Zach got no questions right for instance sorry Zach each episode also features a musical guest they all seem a little unwell in season three a horse tie check it out oh I'm gonna live forever sometimes a professor offhandedly mentions a genie sometimes it seems like he may have time traveled we know for sure that he eats spiders and has a perfect score on wikiFeet look okay so it turns out the professor discovered a magic lamp long ago and wished for the ability to time travel and the genie was like whatever but then everywhere the professor went throughout time his very presence being a Blasphemous in front of the space-time Continuum and all would cause local inanimate objects to turn into the singing Abominations featured at the end of each episode this whole mess was more than the genie could deal with so he chased the professor through time but the little blue ball sack as Ryan lovingly calls him always managed to evade capture so last season the genie covertly made a deal with the devil and the demon asmodius in exchange for a coveted cup Ryan would steal all of the professor's precious jelly beans making him vulnerable enough for the demon asmodeus to possess him and then wish himself back to the Cretaceous this happened and Ryan was pretty psyched but then he asked Satan if the professor would be all right and Satan was like I don't know man and Ryan was like oh boy I don't know about this which was Meredith because as soon as the professor landed in the Cretaceous this happened yikes okay so then last Christmas there was a big memorial for the professor held by all the singing puppets but at the end of the service they remembered that in cleaning up the professor's time travel Shenanigans the genie had actually turned them all back into inanimate objects so their kind of souls are now trapped in purgatory AKA a beautiful state-of-the-art Amphitheater called The wandrium Arena their souls hang in The Ether it's Grim they hope that Ryan can find a way to save them along with the professor then there was a shot of the professor in a little egg Sac excuse me what's going on there I don't know anyway the pandemic was really weird and this is basically what I've been up to the whole time it's a lot of lore but I mean [ __ ] [ __ ] come on it just sit back and enjoy the new season you're gonna learn a lot you'll have a good time all right enjoy season five foreign [Music] history today we'll be taking an ever-winding look at yet another chapter in the heavy heavy book we call history well our guests ruthlessly compete for the Covenant titles of History master I am your beloved host from the professor thank you now before cracking in I know it looked like maybe Ryan bergara murdered me at the end of last season by hurling my sexy little body back to the Cretaceous Period but clearly I am here now and unharmed so it of course did not work and I won't be answering any questions because there aren't any questions to be answered simple as that okay now Ryan bergara are you ready okay special guest Sarah Rubin are you ready I guess then let's crack in [Music] this so hmm the last time I saw you you were getting sucked into a cosmic butthole oh yeah that was a whole thing and now you're here yeah I guess I am if that could happen that's so crazy that I'm willing to also accept that he's just back you know what I mean it's a full life yeah what no no what no what do you what are hey man you just gotta roll with it yeah the whole internet is was angry at me for a whole year for killing you and you're not dead well maybe you should not believe that you ever think about that I didn't kill you though I mean there's water under the bridge man let's get over that bridge and go learn some stuff huh how's that I'm ready to learn okay I'd love to know some things stories am I dead right now no you're not dead you're very alive do you think I'm dead no I'm just not to say this would be hell but Sarah give him a little pinch okay that did hurt yeah okay let's get into it now what do you think about a juicy thick with three C's steak my little mouth is just sopping wet thinking about a big old T-Bone you like me it's coming in with a lot of energy I mean I like meat but it's also sort of you know it's bad for the environment yeah but it's good for my tummy also bad for my body yeah a steak is as big as how long does it take you to eat one steak about a month all right yeah I do what's your favorite cut a [ __ ] um just say a meat Tomahawk a tomahawk okay showing off living up to the beach boy name so we're just talking now yeah we're just talking now get with it Professor what's up with that box don't talk about the box I mean it looks cool don't look at my box what's going on with it don't change the box I'm not gonna touch the box I just just don't touch me okay okay kind of happy to see you I mean a boundaries you guys have been through some stuff today we're visiting a time when steak wasn't as easy to come by in America as it is today and learning about the weird men who had an unconventional idea for fixing that fire up your grills we're talking about hippo meat and also just sort of about two a-holes two but the a-holes are not on the hippos they're not us right we're not the two-way Hills no you guys are great well right out of the gate I am so tempted to ask you who fought in the second Bower War but that's such a nasty way to start the season so I'll just tell you the Boer War aka the second Boer War was fought from 1899 until 1902 between Great Britain and the two boa republics the boers were Dutch German or Huguenot Farmers living in southern Africa so you know they get up some stuff down there interesting yeah so it was colonizers fighting colonizers yeah [ __ ] them all okay yeah they don't give a [ __ ] yeah now even though Britain's military outnumbered the Boar's Army by more than five to one during the conflict the boars put up a stiff defense as the war was being fought on their doorstep a long way from home for the British soldiers in Modern Warfare with satellites and drones It's relatively easy to get information about your enemies during the Boer War however a military had to rely on Scouts to learn about the movements and strength of the other side and as it happened both sides of this conflict had legendary Scouts it's in the military I've I feel like the military is a pretty rough gig on account of having to take human life what do you think a scout does oh just checks places out sniffs them I think sniff some yeah I would never want to be a scout by the way to answer your question if I was in the military I'd be a deserter yeah I'm a coward I don't want to be in the military however I'd love to wear disguises like being a spy seems cool yeah a little outfits yeah little outfits I'm in it for The Outfits always epaulettes well epaulets would give you away like a little prince oh I just want to dress up like a little prince I just don't want to kill people okay well we probably have to move on on the British side was a real son of a gun named Frederick Russell Burnham this human chunk of beef jerky was born May 11 1861 in Tivoli Minnesota while he was still basically a boy Burnham left his family and made his way to Texas where frontiersmen took him under their wing showing him the skills that they'd come to learn while hacking it in the wild in short order Burnham had developed a scouting expertise fees that was practically unrivaled he learned to make traps read Nature's signs track horses shoot and wayfind okay now I do want to be a scout it sounds [ __ ] sick you had me at traps with these skills and some natural Moxie to boot Burnham found work guarding mining camps and escorting Prospectors through the wild eventually he tried settling down on an Orange Grove in Pasadena now mind you this was well before the town had a Cheesecake Factory or a Buca di Beppo to its name so you can imagine the guy didn't find it to his liking it's kind of cool to hear about Pasadena in like the 1860s because I only know it as a place like you said that has a Cheesecake Factory also a good Apple Store great Apple Store for all the people who aren't from Southern California just picture a big mall of a town with some nice trees and the house from Halloween that's true they did shoot Halloween there uh anyway you didn't like Pasadena no he craved the adventure of the outdoors and so he set his sights abroad offering his services to the British eventually joining the Boer War because he was bored laughs while it's worth noting that Burnham wasn't like some Bachelor with a lust for adventure he also dragged his wife and son to live in a war zone with him thanks Dad no I guess that's somewhat wholesome though but rather than leaving them at home yeah where they were safe and not gonna die I'll smell that what's that I'm cracking in the Wind it's our season's first question the learning has begun ready your quills my beauties which of the following did Burnham not do while scouting in Africa a hide for days in a dang Aardvark hole B constantly clean and re-swallow Six Bullets so we always have backup ammo or C float along a river under a cow carcass with two holes cut out for eyes okay one of those he didn't do correct okay these are the three craziest things that a person could possibly do you got this you both got this I believe in both of you how'd you do on the did you take the SAT I actually did uh pretty bad no no wait no I did okay I don't think about it I couldn't reach the desk couldn't fill out the Scantron they didn't give you a little mini one no you're so merciful this season I'm alive it feels good okay I've got my answer okay uh Ryan what do you got hey B bullets ain't food okay and Sarah B bullet dinner oh we got my b-boys out there I can't remember what this bit is do we play basketball noises I don't think we ever did beat boys let's do some basketball noises for the team okay um I'm in hell points to both of you oh there it is yay first question of the Season you both got some beautiful little jelly beans isn't that wonderful I should say I don't know for sure that he didn't have spare poop bullets but I do know he did those other things now switching our Focus to the other side of the conflict the boars had themselves a scout known as the Black Panther described by one writer as a quote walking living breathing searing killing destroying torch of hate the Black Panther was at least as crafty and determined as Burnham and hated the British more than Ryan bergara hates it when his pre-sale code for Blue Man Group tickets doesn't work I do hate that I really do hate that let me guess a code blue is that one of the codes the Black Panther was captured twice escaping both times the second time he had been sent to prison all the way in Lisbon where he seduced to the daughter of the Jailer got out sailed to England to enlist in their army while posing as a bower Defector got a free ride down to Africa and immediately went back to helping the boers I thought the other guy was badass but this guy pretty impressive this guy's unbelievable how did he seduce the jailer's daughter he was probably like [Music] you know yeah that's your line right there right what if he just like started doing dips in like the cell dips what are dips you like a triceps what if he was just like look at this put the tongue out check that out threw the tongue out again okay I'll give you my daddy's Keys Daddy there's a hunk here now during the war Burnham was supposed to track down and kill the Black Panther while The Black Panther's job was to kill Burnham though the two Scouts never crossed paths during the war both men served their sides admirably and a mutual respect developed between the two Burnham would call the Black Panther quote one of the craftiest men I ever met by 1905 his service in Africa concluded Burnham set off back to California the America he was returning to however had a problem what was America's problem in this specific instance a not enough meat also the Spanish-American War B not enough meat also a nearly 700 increase in railroad sabotage RC also questioning its very identity and everything it represented huh interesting I see a lot of writing over there Ryan how you been we doing this right now I guess we don't have to are we locked in yeah Ryan what do you got C Civil War sucked because like you said America wasn't sure who it was I mean that the definition of not knowing who you are is fighting in infighting so sure I'm sure Sarah I put a Spanish-American War meet I think sorry I'm creative I don't no I don't know these things I know generals General things that's okay um point to the before sure that will somehow not count don't worry we'll see what happens it's all up to the algorithm you know that algorithm machine is running better this season yes never mind that Upton Sinclair had just published the jungle showing America how nasty the meat Supply was with whole ass men toppling into meat grinders and everyone just kind of shrugging about it the public still demanded their meats but there was simply not enough flesh supple life-defining flesh the meat question as it came to be known prompted some deep introspection about who the nation even was America was a nation of innovators and problem solvers what would happen to our reputation if we couldn't solve a problem as basic as where Burger we love our Burgers right we do love Burgers they were like the only thing we have to solve right now Burger nothing else is perfect to be fair if I lived in a world without Burgers I'd drive into the ocean you'd drive into the ocean that's right just to make sure that it's over what would be your me alternative like if you couldn't get cow say all the cows are gone cow's gone no no global warming solved what Burger are you going for yeah what strange animal would you like to put on a burger oh probably turkey burger is fine I said strange turkeys are perfectly wonderful strange is visible strange is totally subjective I think turkeys are weird as hell what's going on with the little red ball sack on their chin um I'd like to eat a beaver oh oh no I know that's like a water thing but I also do I've been thinking about that a lot like what does the tail taste like uh in my down time I've really been thinking about like just what does a beaver taste like so I'm gonna say that in your downtime you've been thinking a lot about what a beaver tastes like I'm just like curious about like the tail specifically like imagine the tail on like a sub roll like maybe it's fried what if it's a sandwich where the two pieces of bread are the beaver tails and inside is just a big old sloppy heap of beaver meat that sounds like a lot I love beavers I think they're adorable little creatures I love when they plop their little tail on like a puddle and it makes a funny little noise yeah and then you're like what would that taste like that being said I bet you that tail is fatty as hell uh I've read that I would never do it I've read that it tastes very sweet and buttery that makes sense because they look fatty I would never eat a beaver without a principle probably I guess like a penguin maybe would be interesting a penguin is so much cuter nah dude beavers are cute as hell but think about how many movies penguins have been in we know them we know their stories beavers you're talking about Happy Feet I'm talking about Happy Feet I'm talking about Surf's Up I'm talking about penguins of Madagascar March of the Penguins don't say March of the Beavers but watch that imagine Just A procession of beavers in a line their little Tails all of them slapping in synchronization and they're me walking up behind them Jesus Christ if only there was some better way to use our less hospitable lands say the deserts of the Southwest or I don't know the bayous of the South and while we're brainstorming I know cows are big but what if we had some even bigger last year source of protein so we could get more bang for our bull so to speak well having spent much of his life Scavenging for nutrition in the wilderness Burnham knew how to think outside the box about food believing quote the man of one diet is hopelessly handicapped for Nature has made it possible for a well-organized human being to rest sustenance out of a thousand Foods one of those thousand Foods happen to weigh thousands of pounds and love swampy terrain you know I'm talking about that sweet wet River horse the hippopotamus God they look juicy oh they gotta have a lot of meat on them man they look like a big ass jelly bean with eyes dangerous though don't they kill they like they're very dangerous animals they're horrifying and they could run fast as [ __ ] and they could swim fast and they had those big ass teeth Chompers they're not as vindictive I would say as like perhaps like an elephant an elephant is Hardcore and metal you know what I mean are they did you not hear that story about that elephant recently what'd he do this elephant trampled this woman to death what and then it came back to the funeral and trampled her again that's a true story did she say some like messed up [ __ ] to the elephant she like spoiled the sixes you're getting from that the point of the story is the elephant remembered her and was like not only do I not like you in life I'm gonna make sure your loved ones can't even celebrate you it's amazing elephants are usually kind of sweet so I do feel like she must have done she did something no not to victim blame not to victim blame but I'm blaming that victim apparently she was trying to get water from a watering hole so maybe it was like that's my Watering Hole yeah not yours you know what we're just we're just visitors in their domain on mother Gaia technically sometimes mother Gaia can be a nasty woman a vindictive that's right well Burnham tried to get the government to see that hippos could be a solution to its grumbly little TomTom but he didn't get very far to become a reality such an unorthodox idea needed a champion inside Congress to Shepherd it and build support enter Robert Broussard hello Congressman Robert Broussard was a popular Democrat from Louisiana with essentially no political competition in his district that meant he could bring forth a novel idea without worrying about facing ridicule from challengers in the next election even better Broussard saw importing hippos as a way not just to address the food question but another problem plaguing his constituents what problem was orc too many chocolates what oh something falling I don't see anything okay this place haunted the ghosts were in the studio all along I don't know the boo goo machine back at uh Watcher HQ is a long way away from here he was at that moment that our audio recorder picked up this stinky little noise containment unit you know a lot about ghosts Professor yeah I do are you a ghost I got a question is that come on oh yeah because you got eaten by a dinosaur I think that's a pretty fair question I mean I went through some stuff you mean death okay Ryan what do you got I got a for a abundance of bunnies Sarah I put too many bunnies oh is that a little bunny I drew a bunny also just maybe that'll get I love that yeah a little bonus point for that bunny there you go yeah tasty well At Last a dose of culture descends upon us as we will now learn the answer through the magic of theater I'll be back in just a second bye I love when he does a little show there's this [ __ ] people Congressman Broussard my name is clip and I have a problem oh dear clap it tears my hot and Twain to heal that is it the meat question well meat is hard to come by these days but well I promise you won't laugh my other problem is flowers the water has since I clogging the waterways uh shipping routes are rude and they're killing the fish by sucking up all the oxygen in the water some days I wish some sort of hungry hungry animal could come and just gobble up all them flowers hmm a hungry hungry animal you say I may just have an absolutely bad [ __ ] crazy so we don't get points then except for the arbitrary one you gave her not betray is earned yeah yeah first brought to Louisiana in 1884 as gifts from the Japanese delegation at the international cotton Exposition the asexually reproducing water Hyacinth quickly spread causing huge problems for anyone whose livelihood depended on the waterways looking to kill two birds with one hippo-sized stone Broussard introduced H.R 23261 which would allocate a quarter of a million dollars to import hippos and other animals to the U.S when it came time to debate Broussard brought in three men to testify in favor of the bill first a nerd from the Department of Agriculture WN Irwin talked about the benefits of such a bill describing hippo as quote good wholesome flesh for our people that's a nerdy ass name the WN stand for what a nerd bonus jelly for Sarah cause that was a funny joke next was Burnham who brought up how the meats of American diets caused pigs poultry and sheep were all largely imported from Europe hundreds of years ago why not import more after Burnham a third expert was called who was the third expert a immigrant writer and opportunistic showman Fritz Duquesne fee former U.S president and conservationist Theodore Roosevelt or C cattle rancher and wanted felon Anton sugar okay that can't be right how do you feel about this one you guys feeling confident no okay I mean I feel confident this is not Anton sugar unless it's based off a real person holy [ __ ] no no don't worry don't worry that would suck I hate it oh my God that would be he's still out there if the last thing I saw in life was uh was that haircut holy [ __ ] Ryan what'd you put put a for Fritz Fritz just because I want that name to be real I want him to be a real person Sarah what do you got I put Fritz Duquesne and I hope this doesn't bite me in the butt but I I feel like I've heard of him oh so hopefully it's a real person well jelly beans for both of you hooray well if you don't remember Fritz maybe you know him better by his Alias the Black Panther oh that's good this is why this has to be of cinematic event that's right Burnham and his lifelong Nemesis the Black Panther AKA Fritz Duquesne we're testifying alongside one another can you imagine having to sit next to a person who has explicitly tried to kill you while you educate people about hippos but just kidding I didn't try to kill you anyway how did these two Rivals find themselves on the same side of a congressional hearing well after his side lost the Boer War Duquesne essentially had nothing apart from his scouting skills and an all-consuming hatred of Great Britain Duquesne made his way to America where he began writing articles about Africa for the New York sun eventually turning his stories into a touring lecture capitalizing on a surge of interest in Eastern Africa thanks to now former President Roosevelt's well-publicized travels there by luck when Broussard was gathering his panel of experts Duquesne was lecturing in DC Duquesne was popular at the hearing pointing out how well his hippo-fed side had fought in the Boer Wars then explaining how hippos are easy to train and not dangerous the hearing concluded with few if any reasons why the idea wasn't a home run the idea of postmatesing some hippos from Africa swept through the media some bought with one op-ed in the Washington Herald arguing quote we cannot eat things that give us the shutters no matter what their Undisputed food value may be essentially the same argument toddlers raise about broccoli others embraced the idea excited to try a hippopot pie for themselves that sounds [ __ ] good yeah I'm trying to think of what I'd like to have some like hippo mac and cheese oh God I just kind of want a cube just like a big old cube of like hippo meat oh I'm just imagining being at a grocery store and just one of those old ladies with those plastic ass gloves being like you I trust him hippo you want a pound of Hippo meat for your charcuterie platter I'm curious what it's like texture is because the first thing that comes to mind is like a whale yeah and whale is like super blubbery but I guess they are kind of like cows I would guess they're pretty steak like oh interesting I was picturing blubber too kind of almost like yeah like a like a bone marrowy kind of like feel because they have they're so chunky well fast forwarding 110 years we don't eat that much hippo in America so why didn't hippo meat take off a Duquesne murdered Burnham B rumors of hippopots LED Louisiana to ban the animal or C basic fundamental communication issues all right okay oh I didn't like that I like taking a nap okay all right gonna go with a murder I guess okay okay and Sarah I'm gonna go see the thing that hurts any great uh Venture communication yeah a Jelly Bean for Sarah communication is important like something that a genie tells you will not happen and yet does oh has got to read the fine print on those things yeah really I'll check that out no one ever reads you ever read the terms and conditions on like an update I read them all I doubt it I doubt that very much you read the terms and conditions yeah or you just scroll down and press agree red I mean you know be honest I haven't got a lot of time I knew it yes as hard as it is to get three people together to work on something these days imagine doing so without text messages and email basically instead of anything straight up defeating the idea it appears to have just slowly faded from everyone's minds and just uh never came to pass eventually the meat market stabilized not because of imported animals but due to Industrial agriculture more land was made usable and more animals were put on said land hippo meat became a solution looking for a problem is that sad I'm sad because I wanted to know what the hippo meat tasted like yeah I mean we can get some here we could Postmates some if you want some all right great so you'd mean to tell me that this whole issue that they congregated about just solved itself it seemed like there was a lot of people being like hey are we doing this and someone else would be like yeah don't worry we're working on it uh nobody ever really pulled the trigger on it so moral of the story is procrastination is good then I guess God knows if they had succeeded you know America might be running rampant with feral hippos that doesn't sound bad it does if they're you know violent just every now and then a tick tock of someone getting wrecked in a Walmart actually that sounds great that sounds great right you've changed my mind fighting a hippo with a shopping cart imagining that that'd be kind of cool or we would have domesticated them so we would have had Little Hippo pets keep them small yeah Duquesne found himself in a similar situation back when Africa and hippo meat were in the Zeitgeist he had a livelihood and a purpose but as hip popularity receded I was wondering when a hippo pun was going to come into play well you got that and then you disappointed as a popularity receded however the Black Panther needed a new way to make a living Duquesne was rudderless and Restless in search of some circumstance that called for his cobbled together set of skills in 1914 that circumstance presented itself whoa whoa one remember thanks to the boar war wars Duquesne hated England with all of his being so he decided he had to help Germany any way he could Ducane made his way to Brazil where he offered his Services as a spy to the German consulate he used his skills sabotaging English shipments with explosives eventually blowing up the SS Kennison as it sailed to New York investigators discovered Duquesne was responsible but it was too late on April 27 1916 the New York Times reported that Duquesne had been murdered while riding through Bolivia the Black Panther had finally been slain what happened to duquesne's body a it was transported to America where it toured around the country B it was shipped to South Africa where it received a hero's funeral or C it was sent to Burnham in Mexico so it could be identified and burned sad to see him go you know he was fighting for Germany in World War one so not a great look but you guys locked in yeah I'm going with d devoured by hippos that is not that's what happened right what happened uh Sarah what do you got I'm going to see Burnham burning well for this answer we have someone who was actually there dashing war hero Captain Claude Stoughton Captain Claude take it away this story doesn't end with someone being eaten by a hippo I'm gonna be pissed off because that has to happen at least once thank you Professor the answer is a so points to nobody but a word of warning not everything on this stage is as it seems like that box shut up for instance I am actually Bear told Samuel AKA Von got hard AKA Frederick Baron AKA F crabs AKA Colonel bezine AKA Fitz ride the Black Panther baby I'm still alive cause tires just Captain Club oh I truly am the most irascible hello hi who are you I'm the police how are you great you're coming with us you're under arrest oh no why do I still go by my real name now I'm going to jail for blowing up those ships in World War one uh you're going to jail for insurance fraud what's this about blowing up ships oh shoot holy [ __ ] I mean if your name is Fritz Duquesne It's probably hard to not go by it yeah it's a pretty sweet name to have to like withhold that information would be almost unavoidable actually it's me again cool hi oh okay A bit of a nasty trick with that question but you should expect nothing less when dealing with the Black Panther that's crazy yeah it was him he he was alive how long did he survive under this disguise uh for a bit damn he is good yeah he's good he's good yes Duquesne faked his death then changed his mind which I guess is always an option in these situations Duquesne headed back to America where he tried another lap on the Africa lecture circuit but audiences were over Wilderness exploits they wanted Tales of heroism from their fighting bars overseas and to meet that command Duquesne pretended to be fictional hero Claude Stockton and actually made some decent scratch touring claiming he'd been bayoneted and gasped multiple times in fact all of those names he mentioned earlier plus more were aliases the Black Panther used eluding capture from authorities while trying to make a living feels like a fun thing to do like if I could fake my own death and get away with it yeah and be um you know Burgess monklief for the rest of my life love that that sounds great the rules are if you figure on death you have to choose a cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle villain name yeah that's right Burgess montclief would be my name and I would live a life-selling Insurance in Iowa I'd be Bernadette roselier um in a circus I'd be a ring Master what do they call it ring leader ring Master yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like come on come on The Greatest Show on Earth I'm Bernadette roselier the point that you can't do that today like I do that someone would be like aren't you that idiot who hunts ghosts and you'd say no I'm Burgess yeah I'd have a mustache too oh of course you would oh the no one would recognize no one should shave off your eyebrows and get a face tattoo just to be sure I don't know about that part but we can Workshop later get a nipple ring or two that that would be I don't know how that would help we're chopping some stuff here I would have cut out nipples on my shirts at all times I mean you don't do that now as Ryan bergara so well that's a pretty good idea actually because then I could be like my eyes are up here you know what I mean get married first then unleash that part of yourself oh wait wait Burgess pitch so you cut out the holes on your shirt then you say my eyes are up here but then you've got a tattoo on your forehead that says my nipples are down there that's good so they could be pretty much on like a loop going back and forth back and forth and that's how I hypnotize people well I'm excited to see you become that guy now as we saw Duquesne was eventually arrested for fraud hilariously he tried to get an insurance payment for some film footage that was just Droid on the SS Tennyson the boat he blew up once arrested duquesne's mental and physical health deteriorated he began behaving erratically collapsing during the trial his legs suddenly paralyzed the government wasn't going to let this slippery snake get away though they tested Duquesne sticking pins in his legs and even under his toenails when Duquesne didn't Flinch he was transferred to a mental hospital where the immobile patient was doted on by nurses and in the early hours of May 27 1919 Frederick Duquesne the Black Panther escaped escaped I knew it I knew it yes he escaped point for the beef boy having faked being paralyzed for seven months how do you escape did he use like a bunch of bed sheets tied together or something like that yeah sure he like made a wig out of a mop I like that too well continuing a streak of always picking the losing side Duquesne went on to spy for Germany in World War II his hatred of England governing literally every decision he ever made to the extent that he ended up being a goddamn Nazi he was caught in an elaborate FBI sting and sentenced to prison for 18 years did he escape this prison too this guy's like Rocket Raccoon thinking no one could hold them on May 24th 1956 Fritz Duquesne died in New York City we think for an Epitaph perhaps his FBI file summarizes Duquesne best quote excellent talker with captivating personality inveterate liar sexual partner sweet nice like your Tombstone Professor that's what yours read I didn't write it I was scared the professor was gonna pull off his glasses as for Burnham he continued to live a life of adventure while Duquesne was blowing up boats in Brazil Burnham was mineral scouting in the American West cool Frederick Burnham died on September 1st 1947 the real life inspiration for the Boy Scouts the good parts that is it's a worthy pursuit to collect minerals and rocks I used to do that as a child I used to have a chest full of them yeah what happened to it I still have it sometimes I look at them every now and then when I go back to my parents house how long do you look at them for what time of night do you look at them I don't think I'll tell you about that okay keep your secrets ah well looking back on the brief Flash in U.S history when hippo meat was seriously proposed before Congress it's easy to feel a tinge of nostalgia for a time when the government could entertain novel ideas in good faith and while you may yearn for a lost time of fun news with hippos frontiersmen and flowers one thing's just as true now as it was then getting people to accept something new is really really difficult what a weird story huh liked Fritz could have used more hippos honestly yeah I thought there was a kind of shocking lack of hippos in the story it was a shocking lack of hippos in America well that concludes our history lesson I'm going to go tally the scores to see who receives the title of History Master while I do that please enjoy this special performance from a big old hippo who just wants to get eaten a war hippo your God I mean isn't that what it is you want to get eaten yeah but I'm not he's encouraging yeah I know I'm I'm merely a bystander [Music] who's that sexy please it's me I'm a big beefy hippo and I want you to know what you've been missing while you're raping all that dusty ass steak with long juicy ring that Bell grab your bones don't [Music] [Applause] irritates Yankees [Music] they're telling me you've never wanted to change foreign [Music] [Music] don't [Music] worry [Applause] [Music] back [Music] I don't mind my spice [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] um oh what a juicy performance now let's see how we did you guys are never gonna believe this but according to the algorithm this week's history Master is Ryan bergara [Music] oh Sarah thanks for trying um okay hey you've already got a couple trophies um we've actually had a supply chain issue with the trophies this season so we don't have a coveted cup for you but come get your prize here it is oh what's that the official moisturizer of History Masters here you go buddy come get it come on yes it's real well now I'm jealous because I do want that there you go congrats um wait what you okay puppy cream it's for Champs apply daily it's for Champs make sure you use that a lot you gotta moisturize that skin of yours put some on yes put it on the skin yeah yellow layer in there that oh just a powerful rub all right rub it's a weird episode um [Music] all right well that about does it for this week Sarah thank you so much for coming all the rest of you thanks for watching we'll see you next week on puppet history where the details are always a little fuzzy bye-bye [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] oh [ __ ] Connie again all right hello hello [Music] puppets give me the creeps all right good night watcher [Music] foreign
2022-11-16 13:06
