I have never been more emotionally. Stressed in my life I just worry about your sanity, and ability, to do it all. When. I told my parents it was shocking everything's, closing confront, you we're running out of time am I ever finally gonna be happy. Hahaha. What. Are you meeting well today today, I'm meeting with the other try guys not only are they considering, funding. This video we have a really strict timeline, on this because I dreamed to get this out in time, for pride we also to keep up with our two video week schedule and, all, the huge projects that are releasing during the summer I've written it I'm directing, choreographing. And I'm starring in it it comes at a time where even if I wasn't releasing, this I would still be pulling, multiple, all-nighters, to get my day job done. So. This budget is a lot, larger. Than you. Initially, talked about, yes. We have a crane I decided. That yeah. Do. We have to have a crane though cane is straight up on a Steadicam. He's making awesome pods right now right now everything. I think is towards, the fact that this is the most important, video I will ever produce in my life for the Internet yeah I want to make sure I honor it with the most powerful. Way that I can make, this statement and Dad that. Involves a crane and son you, can. Have two cranes. How. Does it feel when, you see comments, fans, saying oh no he's by oh he's Pam I need to own up to who. I am a hundred percent as a person it's kind of a weird weight on my shoulders because there's, so much more I can do as a person who, is LGBT, but also specifically, game it's, gonna be like a really big release there. Has been just a lot of concealing, and, withholding. And editing. That I have. Done to protect myself it's not like I'm gonna be a different person the next day it does mean that I don't have to take a red pen through my life mark out or tear out pages I'm excited for everybody, to know what we know which, is that you're all the wonderful things that you are and also you're gay. There. Is. There's. A lot of really personal reasons why I haven't. Explicitly. Come out we hold, things back because, we're very scared that there's going to be repercussions, I'm, not even really comfortable talking about it right, now but I think I'll be able to open up more, about it later but I just know that this is the time I think sometimes you just know, hi I'm Kathleen. I've known Eugene for a very long time almost 10 years ago he was a server and I was a bartender working, at a upscale. Dim sum restaurant, called Bao one day during work I basically. Pitched, him an idea that I wanted him to direct and, he was like Kathleen you know you're being a producer right now right and I was like oh well, I guess I'm a producer now. Because. This project was so meaningful for him and to be able to come back and now yours later where, we have a proper, team and a proper budget and give it the love that it deserves Eugene, what's the meeting about today the meeting today is with my core production, team we're gonna go over the, basic breakdown of the entire video how the crane, that we're renting is going to move about the space it is of utmost. Importance. To make sure that, the way that I shot was this is, one of the two the T perfectly, timed perfectly choreographed every, shot should mean something from. The camera to the, set, to. The producing, we, all have to be in complete agreement about how to deliver the best message in the most efficient way and, the way that he sees things is so specific, to him even, though he has honestly the most detailed, shot list treatment, with crazy references, it's still impossible. To really know what's, going on his head or how he's envisioning it until you're literally on set seeing it every single time like I feel like I know what's going on or like how it's supposed to look and then I get on set on like oh I, get it always, like a hundred times better than what I thought it was this, is actually like getting. Into a, warm, bed it's like I'm returning home I have. Always thrived. Off of design. Cinematography. And dance. And movement and, the emotional, interpretation, of, an idea, this, really is the I guess. Exact, polar opposite of a vlog for me. That is like returning. Home this video is really more. Like how. Yugi knows as a as an, artist and I hope that I can come back home like, this more often what are you most afraid of or nervous about I'm.
Always, Nervous that when I attempt. To do more traditionally. Cinematic, projects like this online, that the audience, might rejected, it'll be. Difficult. To see and. The, reasons I was withholding was because. I was right about my fears about, who might not accept. Anymore I think I actually like doing these types of projects because it's so all-encompassing, for, me that I can only focus on making this the best it can be and then we'll see what happens with my. Own personal, life I'm curious about that and I think I'm gonna ask you a bit more in the next few days yeah yeah, thanks, Jane yeah I. Think that collar is great the whole, day yeah. All. Right so we have Ariana he's doing makeup on the phone. And. Then David hair stylist extraordinaire Karen, is handling all the wardrobe as is apparent, with any type of queer expression the styling, is one of the most important things and I really want to send a lot of strong, messaging, for the way that I look in the way that the other characters look so that is why the, dream team is assembled here the big thing is that we have six, looks to break down for each scene and they're essentially, color coded we can use this time to discuss what is doable and also maybe the timing, that we need for schedule, I'm, dying physically, and mentally. I've. Never been more emotionally. Stressed in my life and I think it's because so much of what is in this is wholly, me when I say that I'm kind of bleeding this video out it's not even a baby for me it's literally just like you know slice me open and just let my gut spill out I'm just been constant, emotional, pain right now even rehearsal I have to be the director I have to be the producer I have to be in charge and I have to have vision and people at the trust that I'm not gonna break down but it's all just like stabbing my soul constantly, I was always so insecure I was never a hundred, percent confident, about myself, as a person so to have. To kind of trick yourself into being the most confident, person as an artist so that people believe in you and they take low rates to come work with you likewise, a to freak out and to grab something feel the weight I want to see in nerwin spaces, I had to sell a vision in a way that felt like it, was worth their time thank, you so much, yeah. Today. When I choreographed, I wasn't even able to choreograph myself, because I have to figure, this out one.
Which, Is why I'm a little freaked out because weirdly. Almost the most important aspect of this is what I do on camera and it is honestly the last thing I'm thinking about because I have to do so much stuff off-camera this, whole week I've went home and I just like I. Don't. Cry, I'm not really someone who cries wait. Don't you cry well, I cried a lot as a little kid all. The time my parents told me that I was, always very sensitive, I could tell if, someone was emotionally, hurting and I think that just always put me in a weird Musa I was a very depressed, kid so what age thirty. Now. To say that I cried a lot that was a very indicative of just being a kid, who also got pushed around by everybody, eventually I did the thing where i hardened, my shell and dad mom, said stop crying and I stopped crying after I was like 12 and I just didn't cry after that tell me more about that age as a young, kid I always thought I was bad I just thought I was bad naturally. Because of what the church I was in was telling me because of the society. I was in as a Southern, person, or as a Korean or when, you grow up thinking that you're bad for some reason I think that really shifts, the way that you look at the world I was never in a position where, I had enough support or education, or. Confidence. In any area that when someone. Ridiculed. Me for, either, being, Asian. When, people thought I could be gay. I was never at a point where I thought they were wrong, I had. A strong belief that I was not only bad but I was wrong there's something wrong with me a lot of my journey was kind of figuring out that I was never inherently, a bad person, oh I, mean you can put this in the video cane I. Am. Afraid, that, some, people I'm very close to. Will. Disown me and not. Talk to me anymore, because of this video knowing. That someone might be homophobic and a, couple people could be and that's hard do you think that's it for everything we're, gonna find out, there's. Also just a reason why gay, is such a toxic word, to some people and I think that other words like queer and LGBT mean nothing to some people I think it's because there's still people I care about and there's still systems. I am, a part, of that prescribe, to that way of thinking it's hard to express those complexities when you're so. Public. When. Eugene first started to become, popular online he really, put up a wall, and like a shield his career has not just, been about representing, the LGBT community it's, also about the Asian community it's also about him, coming from a, divorced, household, I think there's a lot of things he needed to establish he, was a dominant Asian producer, he needed to show he was a huge advocate for the LGBT culture, if you think about all the things Eugene, is trying, to further with. His career all the other careers he's trying to help with his like somehow, it's a lot you're so visible in the Asian and LGBT communities, what's, that pressure like you know it's funny cuz someone tweeted me once I did a video or, a few videos where I was very honest about my background and like self-hating when people just made or, in Lent less fun of me for being Asian I got some tweets or responses from other Asians who said like how dare you you're, supposed to be a role model you can't talk about hating yourself that's not what we're about these, days everything's, positivity and you're someone people look up to and you shouldn't talk about having this I don't know toxic.
Emotional. Complex. Relationship. With your race or identity, I wish I could be in that place I wish I could be someone like that I wish I could fucking just like ride an Asian rainbow into the distance to. Be a gauge, in American, on top of that triples, to the stress I just had to be hyper, aware of doing anything that would. Deepen, someone else's prejudice, towards either party, like what being like weaker. Than others because you know I've cried before but, when they put me in a video to talk about crying I was like I'm not gonna fucking talked about crying you know it's good for either party that I'm representing especially, in early videos I always had to be like the, best at something cuz I didn't, want to be the Asian man on screen who, failed I didn't want to be the asian man on screen when I started doing try guys whoever. Looked. Worse than them I did, not want to be something, that could potentially move, the needle in the direction that was not further boosting. Communities, that need boosting, in truth I am just. As broken and as weird and fucked up if not more in a lot of ways the pressure of not being able to showcase, that Express that through work was crushing. It was crushing, for me so what are we doing today today is our second, full day of rehearsal, I am choreographing. And teaching the yellow scene which has, characters the boy and the girl so the yellow scene I've choreographed to be more, of the contemporary vein I really challenge myself with this because I'm gonna attempt a few lifts and I have a vision in my head it's very interesting because I don't necessarily have the most formal. Training but I did choreograph. Many videos many shows when I was young giving myself the freedom to sort of be flexible, with how they express themselves and how they best move as long as I give them the right character, direction I'm allowing myself to let, the story speak for itself I haven't been weirdly, as stressed as I typically, am I was really stressed last time you saw me I think that was because I, was. Confronted, with a large group of people that I had to choreograph, instantly, and that was the first time I was working with part of the cast I was coming fresh off of working on the try guys tour there was outside of pressures with the immense amount of work after you outside of this video that we're kind of affecting me during that night today because, we start filming tomorrow, I've decided, that I need to start, becoming, more meditative, and reflective because if I'm performing and directing tomorrow I can't be frazzled, I can't be so. Vulnerable that. I can't then become, vulnerable on-screen, does that make sense yeah. So I'm trying to be calm right, Kathleen I'm being calm also. She put some wine on me on Saturday, night so, then I felt pretty good and then I had a Hannah Hart video I went with and made Hannah just sat for about four hours and just talked about you know how proud she is of what I'm doing she just said you got to do exactly what first comes to you and this video was the first thing that came to my head I just hope that I can honor it with the actual production I feel okay I know.
I Know I have. Great people working with me I know, I trust everyone I'm just. They've. Been setting up the amazing. First read scene and the, crane JD, is gonna be taking some official portraits, Farren put me in this wonderful and Rogers, outfit for first, moment, I'm a little nervous because now, it's time to perform so, I got to really focus on that I wanted to portray the, sense of innocence like a sense that we all are born with an innate feeling of play and exploration and curiosity, the opening shot is was the first shot I thought of for this entire project it, was that image of me and my family and then zooming back and then seeing that we're not in a room but we're in a wide-open set, space establishing. A wall that we all live in our little bubbles and it's all about this idea of who, you, feel, like you are within a structured, group I grew up in a culture or multiple, cultures where being. The man and being masculine, and being hard and being violent, that wasn't just you know centered, on the men I knew it was centered on everyone abiding, by this idea that they were sort of central force and everything sort of had to abide, by their rules my, father suffered under this idea that he had to be a certain way that had to be cold that it be hard and when he was able to break free from that everything changed for us this whole opening. In this notion of what, a nuclear family is and, who you play as a female. Or male even as your child because I'm essentially a sort, of unformed. Non-gendered. Child in the opening that's kind of what I'm representing, that is the core of what I feel starts, making people feel, that inner hatred or feel that turmoil, and it's so much more difficult for even me to have come out and the more seamless wave and so that's why I have him as a character where the siblings like watching the mother and watching the father and impersonating, them. You. Can kind of almost be like you're a pageant queen and you're just like. So. It's 1 2 3 4 so you're just like mm ha, and, let that 4 on screen come out. And at, the end when he decides to you, know try acting, like his mom for a second and getting beat down by dad that's suppose to be the sobering moment the big change of you realizing, this child, this human, is being, immediately, told that he can't be a certain way. I. Think. Is shitty that anyone else ever conditioned, themselves that whole orange scene is kind of about that this idea of being individual. Or different or weird is bad, and that you have to change it growing up did you know they're kids that were out only the people who can hide. Being out they, had a terrible. Time I chose. Not to be out because I was afraid of being ostracized. Seeing. How others were, treated because they were different if I could avoid that at all costs. I was already so depressed. All the time that this idea that everyone, would just then come and put a stamp on my biggest, fear that I was for. Sure wrong and bad and less than broke in somehow because. Of who I was because I would have driven me off the edge and I just did, everything I could to avoid it that's why I was never out really until I went to college and left the, community I was in. So. The yellow scene is this, moment where it represents, sort of like first loves this character. Called the girl she sort of represents, the true, ally, of the community many of the people I was closest with when I was first, coming, out and, realizing. Who I was were trusted. Female. Confidants, all my best friends in high school were girls she's the first person you really notice changing, from a gray or outfit to a blacker outfit which is representative, of those supportive, of my journey I really wanted to sort of honor that with this idea of someone who was next to me as I was coming out when, I was young and then the boy of course is representative, of not. Only the first romantic love but the first sexual love that really is the realization. In this scene that I might not be attracted, to who I was told I should be attracted to that's what he represents, so I'm trying to give it this like feeling of a two different duets two different pata does that morph into this three-way, piece and with her kind of giving her blessing at the end to say that it's okay to be Who I am and to go off with the boy and that immediately, then cuts into the pride scene in the green where we're all about community I choreographed. This idea that the expansiveness, of the space would allow for really fast, long traveling and we, had to condense certain, moves to make sure that we all could stay, within frame particularly, the shot of us running, past the windows the original choreography was like twice the length but.
It's Okay that's that's part of what you do you got to think on the fly and then readjust I. Have. This amazing original. Custom, piece by Oscar back there he, rush or her made through, Ferren to pieces for this in the purple look because you got to get custom if you're gonna be dressing, the man body this whole scene is supposed to represent pride and a. Safe place for the community so I'm excited and this is one, of my favorite types of looks to do I bought this week for Mayhem's birthday when she asked me to grab for her yeah I wanted, to be your mom for that night thank. You do you like my slutty, trashcan squatting. Also. Do you see because I forgot my pads and my tights, I'm doing boy bottoms, hairy, legs and full untucked. It's. A choice yeah. That's. Right, we're covering up my bruises cuz I have about fifty bruises from Lucy, he's been really fortunate and, having, some like really really great people in his life that's really been helpful for his personal, growth I. Think. Maybe one of the reasons why he's doing this video is for, him to be able to communicate to, us his friends, and to his audience now although now he's, living in West Hollywood and he has like a beautiful, drag family and, heavily. Like vocal, and supportive, of the LGBTQ, community it. Was a difficult journey for him to get here and to get to this place of self-acceptance, and self-love I see these kids come up to me and it's been happening steadily. More and more over the past five years even, recently I had, two kids and separate occasions come to me and tell me because they watched me in particular however much I've even given it gave them enough confidence, to come out to their parents and. And. I only imagined, how much more helpful I can be for the community if. I could be more, than that if I can give more of myself and I haven't been giving all of myself ever since we've met I think our first conversations. Were always about how, he wanted to help, the communities, that he's a part of if I'm gonna be someone. That's worth a, kid. Coming. Out to their parents for then I. Don't. Think I can be someone who's lying to themselves or to other people and I don't think I can personally take. The. Withholding anymore. A. Huge. Left turn when, we go to the blue scene this is the darkest scene so this isn't scene that sort of represents hate we're running out of time this is very typical for film shoots it happens all the time and I don't want to sacrifice the quality of the different shots I set up cuz I had three shots for the scene so I'm creatively, thinking that we can compile, all them into one single take, for the blue scenes on the fly I have to recore graph the shot with our cinematographer, to make it work and then - this is the most emotionally.
Draining See me I have to be present and real. For, entire. Take that you can't cut away from it's a performance challenge but I think just due to time this might be our best bet okay let me show you where the music starts and ends 1. 2 P 4, is still feeding, mean, and 1, 2, 3 4. Dice first and I. Call crawl crawl. Crawl, crawl. Crawl. Into. My family's, feet the camera raises up. Families. Fighting they're fighting and. Then, they push me back down, and. I know from here just on me and then close-up on my face on the ground that. Works really well I'd. Say even up until last, year I was listening. To that voice that said I deserve to be shit, on because I'm different I'm just really tired of feeling that way all the time being older doesn't mean that it's been completely erased that's why I've always been so, hypersensitive, to how much, of myself I give away to people that I just meet how much have I given myself way to viewers and how much I still don't, give away to people like my family or close friends I do wish sometimes she, would reach out when he needs something when, he's not feeling okay or, when, he's having a bad day or needs, help figuring out personal. Issue to, be honest I can't actually recall in our 8 year friendship if any there are very few conversations like, that it feels like kind of a cop-out and I'm saying, this but I feel like maybe myself, and its other friends, equated, that as being normal because, we see Eugene as super, successful, 2. Million followers like, busy he's totally fine like he's doing super well that's only one aspect of his life so I mean I have to take responsibility as, well for not like reaching out and asking I. Should. Be an example of someone who can live openly, like that and does, live openly like that that, it's okay and you can be safe and in, your own time you can find your, own way to express it coming, out is not always a, solve for, many people it was a tip of the iceberg bit of information and, then a new, journey. And full-on education, about what being gay is this, is not a closed shut case for me after this this video is just expressing, an imprint of my experience, and in a way that's just a little more honest I think that's like the most, I could give right now and I'm hoping that it feels like it's impactful. Enough truly, deeply, all the things I'm skirting, in my personal life I wish I could throw, it out in the open it's. Like he literally gives, every single piece of himself into, his work you, see it to how depleted, he is after he does a project like this over, time those walls have come down and has become more. Vulnerable more, open more comfortable, being himself I'm really, proud of him really excited we're all really excited where. Do you hope to be with all this ten years from now I mean ten years from now I hope that none, of this fear. And shame, that I feel is as present. Or as forward, a thousand, percent owning, everything, about me and that none of that is conditioned, by relationships. Or history. Or community. Or where I grew up it's all just me existing, even, though I joke and I'm older than the typical person. On YouTube I'm still very.
Young In a lot of ways you know what the saddest thing is Kathleen. Don't get sad geez this is really sad I found. This letter you ever write letters when you were in middle school your, teachers would make you write a letter to your future self I found, that like a few years ago and the only thing, I wrote to myself are, you. Finally happy I, don't. Cry a kathleen i know it's and i know. It's really bad and then I open it I'm sure after I got in college and I was like oh that's fucking, sad and then I found, it again like ten years later I read it and I was like. You. Know I don't think I I am, yeah am I ever finally gonna be happy. Maybe. The answer is that no one's ever finally, happy. That's. Dark it. Is but like the video doesn't end happy, the video ends with a very distinct. Moment. Where people around me are completely divided in half and that, I'm getting barrage, by both sides of love and hates the world that I've experienced, is not one where. Everyone. Including, myself is just what a hundred percent embraced. Me with open arms the world that I understand, is always going to have this pool, between two opposing forces that, a sense of conflict is always, gonna combat, within myself are. You happier now than when, you wrote that yes. I am happier now better than that when I wrote that yeah for sure to be even in this position where I'm in front of millions of people going to be saying these things little me would not, even be able to say that to a person he I was whispering to in my class I think my younger self would be. Shocked. Shocked. At how. Generally. Open and how far I came my. Younger self would think that I was happy young me would definitely think current, me is in, a good place and I think that's good to remember. I'd like to thank them for being part of this project it's, a very deeply. Personal and, a. Very. Different type of thing to film for not, only. Viral. Video but in, general it's a very. Large. Concept. To grasp but I hope. That I can. Only tell my, version of, what. I experienced. Growing. Up gay realizing, I was gay and I. Hope that it touches other. LGBT. People other allies, this. Is a very. Hard thing to film. But. I'm so, thankful for all the crew. And the cast for, being such a huge part of making. This something that I imagined. Over and over my head into, a reality I can't, thank you all enough and. Yeah. I need a like, stiff, drink. I'm. Serious. Does anyone have like whiskey or vodka. Okay. Cool I love you all thank you so let's get the crane and everything out of here. You.
2019-06-21