Ubu Roix

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SHIIIIT! - Oh, That's a fine thing! What a pig you are Papa Ubu!  - Shut up or i'll bash your head in Mama Ubu! - Oh, fuck off! - It's not me you ought to kill Papa Ubu there's other skulls need cracking. - By my green candle!    - I don't follow - How? Papa Ubu! You mean to tell me  you're content with your lot in life? - By my green candle, madam, certainly yes. I'm content. Shit, I could be content with less after all I'm captain of the dragoon platoons privy counselor  to the good king Wenceslas Knight of the Red Eagle   of Poland and formerly king of Aragon. What more do you want? - What! You're telling me that after being   the King of Aragon, you can just settle down to reviewing 50 flunkies armed with cabbage cutters,   when instead you could put the crown of Poland on your head where the crown of Aragon used to be.

- Mama Ubu, I don't understand a word you're saying. - You are so stupid - Now by my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive.   and suppose he croaks - hasn't  he got loads of children?   - What prevents you from massacring the whole family and putting yourself in their place? - Mama Ubu, you do me wrong. Watch out you don't end up in the soup - Poor unfortunate, when I'm in the soup  

who'll patch the seat of your pants? - Is that so? and if you don't then so what? Isn't  my ass just as good as anybody else's?   - If I were in your place I'd want to plant my gargantuan ass on a throne. You could make lots   of money, you could eat all the sausages you want, you could roll through the streets in a carriage.   - Oh if I were king, I'd have a big wide-brimmed hat - the kind I had in Aragon! - You could even get yourself a great big umbrella  oh and a cape that hangs to your heels - I yield to temptation. Buggerly shit shitterly bugger. If I run into him in a corner of the woods. I'll give him a rough half hour. - Good, Papa Ubu. Now you're talking like a man.

- No. No. Me a captain of dragoons massacre king of Poland? I'd sooner die. - You're gonna stay poor as a rat, Papa Ubu? - Blue belly by my green candle I'd rather be poor as a rat than   rich like a wicked fat cat. - What about... what about the broad rimmed hat?   and the... and the umbrella and the  great cape? - What about them Mama Ubu? -Oh..........SHIT! [ __ ] later that same evening one hour later two hours later One eternity later Gaaaahd our guests are so late! -yes...by my  green candle and i'm dying of hunger oh Mama Ubu... you're looking very ugly tonight. is  that because we're having company?

-Shit hey i'm hungry i'm going to dig into this bird  chicken chicken oh not bad -what are you doing you wretch? what will our guests eat? -they'll still have plenty i i won't take any more mama go look out the window and  see if our guests are coming i don't see anyone oh there's captain Bodure arriving with his men what are you doing now, papa ubu? -nothiing. bit of veal. Veal? [screams] the veal. the veal? he's eaten the veal! help! [agh] Now, by my green candle I'm gonna scratch your eyes out! Madam Ubu! -good day gentlemen we've been  waiting impatiently for you. please sit  

thank you madam but where is Papa Ubu? Where is Papa Ubu? Here i am. oh damn it by my green candle i'm certainly  fat enough    -hello papa ubu. sit down men anymore and i'd go through the chair well mama  what sumptuous delicacies have you prepared for us   potatoes soup dress chops veal chicken dog paste  turkey rums charlotte russe ice pudding salad   fruit various hard and soft cheeses  boiled beef jerusalem fartichokes don't listen to him he's an imbecile   i'm going to sharpen my teeth on your calves eat  your dinner instead here have some potato soup oh buggery it's bad it isn't terribly good you ill-mannered louts what do you want then wait um i have an idea   i'll be right back Bodure won't you try some veal oh it's wonderful what's left of it is  wonderful it was wonderful and now the the rumps oh delicious delicious hooray for mama ubu and soon you'll be shouting ready for papa ubu wretch what are you doing try a little of that i'll serve yes all right everybody outside out hey  captain bogory i want to talk to you   hey we haven't eaten yet what do you  mean you haven't eaten everybody outside   oh my god now buy my green candle i'm  gonna murder you with these drat chops wow look out there's a little [ __ ] this [ __ ] is [ __ ] outside you hear me there they're gone i can relax now i didn't get much to eat  how about you boo jewelry pretty well sir   except for the shit oh the shit wasn't  that bad hey stiffer captain beaujolais   i've decided to make you duke of um lithuania  how i thought you were terribly poor papa   well in a few days if you please i shall reign  over poland you're going to kill wenceslas he's not so dumb the bugger he  guessed it if it's a killing of kim   if it's a question of killing wenceslas i'm in  i'm his mortal enemy and i'll answer for my men the rest of them never i'm gonna stamp on your feet big shit go bow jewelry i finished with you but by my   green candle i swear by mama ubu i'm going to make  you duke of lithuania but shut up my sweet child   buy my green candle what is it a message from king  wenceslas it says come to the palace immediately   oh shit bloody blue blazes by my green candle  he's found out oh i'm gonna have my head cut off spineless shit face what are we going to do oh   uh i i have an idea i'll say it was  mama boo and boo door oh you did you that's what i'll do i'll give you sausages you  know what you can do with your sausages do sorry oh your majesty your majesty it  wasn't me it was mama hobo and bonjour   what is the metal boo nothing he's he's been  drinking he's struck ah yes like me this morning oh i'm drunk so drunk i've been drinking too much  of that luxurious french wine don't listen to them   your majesty that dirty old [ __ ] is drunk yes i know thank you madam now captain  vladimir elizabeth turd i call you here to   reward you for your numerous services  to our kingdom and so today i dub you count of sandomir oh now join us tomorrow for a grand military parade oh of course yes yes you're  wonderful and that's it please accept this um magnificently decorated kazoo a kazoo what is a man my age supposed  to do with a kazoo this guy is so stupid   our thanks for this delightful kazoo  papa ubu wait i'll fuck off now did you hurt yourself peppa ubu oh we shall see to her maintenance yes  but all the same king winter's loss   you're going to be massacred a few minutes later well my dear friends  it's high time we decided on a plan   of action everybody will get a  chance to share their own ideas   well i think that we should drop so my idea is  that we poison the king uh by sticking arsenic   in his breakfast and then when he goes to chomp  on it he'll drop dead and then i'll be king blame   us why you dumb fuck what you don't like it  oh all right fine oh let's hear bonjoure's idea   i think we should strike him a terrible blow of  the sword i'll split him open from hedge to take   absolutely i like that what if he starts kicking  you he wears those great eye on boots and they   really hurt if i had half a chance i'd snitch  on all of you for dragging me into this mess   well i bet i get a huge reward too oh   the traitor that coward the scary  scurvy son of a bitch vomit on papa ubu what nobody puke on me all right i'll tell you  what i'm willing to take the risk for you   let's see now Bodure it'll be your  job to split the king down the middle   wouldn't it be better for us all to jump on  him at once yelling and screaming that way we   would have a better chance of winning over the  troops oh okay fine so i'll stomp on his feet   and he'll jump back and i'll say to him and  that'll be the signal for the bunch of you to just   jump on him yelling and screaming yes and as soon  as he's dead you grab his scepter and his crown   and i'll go after the royal family with my men  yes and be sure to get that little bucket of louse we can't start act two yet we forgot an indispensable part of the ceremony  we have to swear to fight valiantly huh   but what can we swear on we don't have a bible  anywhere well i am oh just swear on mama ubu you all swear to kill the king real good yeah  we swear all right let's roll with it huzzah last night i had a dream of hours dreadful and things strange   falcon towering in his pride of place was by  a mousing owl hawked at and killed and horses my royal horses beauties and  swift the minions of their race   turned wild in nature broke their stalls flung out  contending against obedience they ate each other and saint nicholas protect me a fatal bonkening and ubu peppa ubu papa ubu there you are come here  and we will inspect the troops there is my regiment of dancing horse  guards what a magnificent spectacle   you think so well they look awful they  look like something the cat drag did   look at that guy hey ugly how long  said you took a shave your dirty bomb   but but this soldier is quite proper  what is the matter with you papa this help holy virgin treason murder scandal i am slain well done men now the family let's go what i'm not dead i'm not dead oh not dead well let me help you who's the king now i'm the king now and now presenting the heroic tale  of the fantastic prince burgaloss defender of truth defeater of villains  and the rightful heir to the polish throne and his mother were playing in the tower one day being rich and famous and having all the toys  and just generally having a good time yay   when suddenly from outside the  door there was a crash bang and i'm the meanest smelliest dangerous  baddest bad guy that ever batted   and i'm gonna kill you real good god  almighty i will defend my mother to the death   papa ubu you take one step further and i'm  gonna i'm gonna kill the shit out of you um   guards and then from every angle there came ubu's  guards from the floorboards and the kitchenette   and the mini bar that you popped out of everywhere oh all right you blankers you still run pots you  other kinds of pots i'm gonna kill you real good boop oh you did it bugger wiles yay my hero oh   you may have defeated my henchmen but you'll  never defeat me i'd like to see you try to need you defeated him now come mother we must  escape through the secret staircase okay   so they escaped through the secret staircase  and they met all of ubu's guards along the way   but prince bugger laos defeated every one of them and then they ran over hill and dale and  dale hill and the hillsdales and all of their   until they got to a cave come mother we'll be safe  in this cave oh i hope so but i'll i think about   your your brave father king wednesday's oh mother mother come on mother we gotta go in mother mother come on you gotta wake up mother and then prince bugger loss was alone in the cave  there were no parents or nurse maids or milkmaids   or the regular kinds of maids or any of  the swans the swimming the geese laying there was no one hello am thy forefathers ghost in life i was  junker matthias ron koenigsberg der nipping   stefan the 17th the first king and founder of  our house to your hands i entrust our vengeance let this sword that i give you see no rest  until it has banged hell out of the usurper i won't let you down forefather i'm singing a theme song it's just about themes  that the song is about doo doo doo doo doo no i won't do it you want to ruin me with this  nonsense but i say papa ubu don't you know that   people expect gifts to celebrate your coronation  if you don't distribute food and gold you'll be   overthrown in a couple of hours food yes gold  no just slaughter up three of old hags that's   good enough for such swine flying yourself how did  such a crummy creature such as yourself ever get   slapped together i'm telling you again i'm here to  get rich i won't fork over a penny when you have   in your hands all of the treasures of poland wait  a minute i know where there's an immense treasure   hidden in the chapel we'll distribute that you  salacious witch you do that and i'll tell you   if you don't make any distribution the people  will refuse to pay their taxes is that right   yes oh well in that case i can sense everything  bring in two or three million gold pieces   and roast 150 oxen and twice as many  sheep or three times as many horses   oh and make sure there's plenty  left over for me oh now by my green candle here  i am king in this country   i already have a magnificent indigestion and  pretty soon they're gonna bring my great big cape   what's it made of papa ubu it's all very  well to be king but we've got to economize my female the cape is made of sheepskin with a  clasp and frogs of dog hide oh why that's lovely   but it's even lovelier to be  king you were right all along we owe a great debt of gratitude  to the duke of lithuania why don't you do me a favor mama uber don't  ever mention that slovenly leopard of me again   not that i don't need him anymore you can go  scratch his ass you'll never get that dodgy you're making a great mistake  papa ubu he'll turn against you   find my green candle you're right  mama ubu quick to the dungeon you're in a pickle now you wanted  me to pay you what i owed you   and what i wouldn't you revoked it you plotted  against me and here you are in the trap duckets the trick is so neatly turned you want  to find it very much to your taste   just revenge for revolt don't you think what  are you talking about i didn't do that when   did i do that it happened off screen oh  really that's convenient okay uh so uh in five days you've been king   you've committed more crimes than it would  take to damn all the sights and paradise   the blood of a king and of his nobles cry  vengeance and their cries will be heard and safe   blood you want blood will and i will grind your  bones to dust and with your blood and it i'll make   a paste and of the paste a coffin i will rear and  make two pasties of your shameful head what really sleep tight don't let sew rats bite   oh well that was such hard work now i can sit on  my fat ass you lazy slob papa ubu you've dealt   with him but what about bugalal's you really think  you've seen the last of him what money absolutely what do you think he could do to me papa ubu mind  what i'm telling you you must try to win over bug   allows with your generosity what oh more money to  hand out you already made me throw away more than   22 million no more it's on your own head papa  ubu he'll cook your goose oh well you'll be in   the pot with me listen to me one last time i am  positive young bungalows will carry it off after   all he has justice on his side not to mention  the power of traditional narrative structure   oh [ __ ] madam isn't injustice just as good as  justice me mama ubu i'm gonna cut you to little pieces it's up it's gonna fuck you up scary for heaven's sake papa ooble restrain yourself  no i'm going to have the nobles executed and   seize all their property bring in the first  noble those that are condemned to death i'll   put to the trap door and they'll tumble  through the subsellers of pinch pork and   moneybag where their brains will be removed  by the degrading machine who are you stupid count of vitibus what's your income  three million bagels brah condom what vile ferocity second noble who are you you gotta answer stupid cuckoo grand posin okay  fine fine that's all i want to know in the trap go on the third noble who are you no god  no oh god no you're so ugly huh   go into the track fourth noble who are  you prince of pedolia what's your income i'm bankrupt oh you you get out of here noble  who are you my grave of thorn into the trunks you're so bloodthirsty papa ooboo come on hurry  up now i want to make laws first of all i'm going   to reform justice after which we'll proceed  to finances hey where are the magistrates huh   oh there you are from now on you magistrates don't  get paid but what will we live on yeah we're poor   well you can live on the fines you levy and  the property of whoever you condemned to death   horrors scandal we refuse to judge under those  circumstances into the trap with the magistrates oh my papa uber what are you doing who is to  render justice now me oh you'll see how well   things will go oh yes that'll go just dandy oh  shut up big mouth and now finance there's nothing   to change what do you mean i want everything  changed first of all i'm keeping half the taxes   that's all listen up you shifter brains  we'll put a 10 tax on all property another   on commerce and industry a third on marrying and  a fourth on not marrying and a fifth on dying   fifteen trillion cents a piece that's idiotic  that's absurd do you even know how to count   oh you're trying to screw me into the truck but really papa ubu what kind of a king are  you you're murdering everybody oh [ __ ]   no more justice no more finance oh fear nothing  my sweet child i'll go from village to village   myself and collect the taxes [ __ ] in the trap  bring in who's ever left of these eminent persons   you who so strangely resemble all a well-known  critic into the trap yeah get in there   and you miss the chief of police with  all due disrespect to you into the trap yeah yeah and into the trap with this  english minister yeah oh throw in the   canadian minister too yeah yeah the good  looking one yeah and you uh notable anti   uh semi into the track yeah and  you notable semi yeah into the trap   and you mr mega church passer and you mr  apothecary and you mrs sensor and you mr uh uh   uh miss mr belvedere yeah yeah into the track into  the trap and you in the trap and you in the trap many unbearable hours later a gentleman the meeting is now open listen   carefully or i will uncouple  your heads from your bodies so are you gonna listen to me but your excellency hasn't said anything yet   what do you mean i've been talking for an hour do  you think i came to preach to the wilderness now   first we're going to deal with the subject  of finances after that we'll talk about a   little system i've invented for bringing good  weather and conjuring rain what a blockhead   madam of my [shit i won't put  up with any more of your nonsense   right well then gentlemen i will inform you that  the finances are going fairly well every morning a   considerable number of dogs in woolen stockings  pour into the streets and the dog nappers are   doing fine on all sides one can see burning houses  and people are bending under the weight of their   finance taxes are paid paid double and then  paid triple after that is that so my liege   not at all the tax on marriage hasn't brought  in more than 11 cents and papa uber is chasing   people all over to make them get married  blood and money horn of my strom pot madame   financier haven't i ears to speak  with and your mouth to hear me i'd rather know you're the one that's  making me make mistakes are you   you're the blame for my stupidity god damn it another one oh somebody else  read it either i'm losing my mind or i   don't know how to read hurry up  buggle it it's to be for bojore   precisely he says he says after escaping the  dungeon in the dead of the night he flew to Moscow i'm scared that i am oh i'm scared oh what's the become of  me this man is gonna kill me oh say to anthony oh say nicholas protect me i'll  pay cash oh i'll even burn candles down oh there's still a way out papa ubu what's that sling about poland wanting to stay  out of war he's a crocodile rabbit you are military man at oh glorious legs the army's already leaving and you'll never catch  up oh calm your tits mama oo boo i'm almost ready give me my swagger stick will ya oh now what do i say to those russians when  i beat the hell out of them oh my battle cry you don't be living anymore no that's  not enough yeah i forgot the breastplate let's see here oh pretty soon i'm going to be so loaded  down i won't be able to run if they chase me   oh i bring in the horse your horse won't be able to carry you it  hasn't eaten anything for days it's nearly dead   turd horn either you're  kidding me or you're robbing me give me another horse horns trumpet yet  take me a walk all the way to the war oh i better sit down i'm falling it doesn't matter it's war i'm going to war  and i'll kill everybody anybody steps on the   line watch out i'll fix them with twisting of  the nose and teeth and extraction of the tongue   good luck papa oo-boo kill the tsar good tally and now presenting the heroic  tale of the great prince defeated villains protector of truth  and rightful heir to the throne when we last left our hero he had been visited  by the ghost of his great great great great great   great great great great great grandfather here  you go and bequeathed as giant sword of vengeance thank you thank you for father i will and  so prince bugal set out in search of allies   to help him reclaim his rightful throne and  he traveled over hill and the dales and the   hilldales once again until one day arrow huh  who are you allo prince bogo laos i am powder a   captain who definitely never ever ever betrayed  anybody ever in my life okay i have word from   zara ii that he will aid you in your claim to the  polish throne that's fantastic now we go to warsaw   and poland to reclaim my rightful throne  for the forefathers that came before me and so powder and bugger loss led the   of the russian army there were thousands  of men and horses and bears and dancing   gossips and men in furry hats and vodka and  borscht whatever borscht is and they marched   through the night and through the day until  boom they got to the gates of warsaw where where they saw the peasants and the peasants  greeted them oh prince bugalas you're finally here   thank goodness papa hulu has been terrible  he's stolen all our money and our dogs and   he's kicked us and beaten us and he's spending  all of our money on stupid ridiculous things like   airplanes and in-ground pools and exotic animals  and nose jobs and it's just terrible please please   please please please help us help us don't worry  peasants i've got you we will march in and reclaim   the throne for my forefathers and i will take my  rightful place oh thank you and when i do i will   return all the taxes and your grandmothers and  your puppy dogs to you as they should be oh thank   you popular thank you yes yes yes thank you thank  you thank you okay okay get off me go and then   prince bugalas and boater march to  the palace cage to come my friends we   will storm the castle and reclaim my  throne as only we can yay go prince power was nowhere to be found there was only the  witch mama ubu in there with her guards fought the guards valiantly has kicked him in the face until what's  all that noise finally mama ubu finally   decided to come down what's all the noise down  here who's disturbing my beauty sleep it is i   mama ubu prince bugger last rightful heir to this  polish throne and you should vacate while you can   oh i don't have any time for this can you  just let me leave or something no okay   champion get him and there was only one guard left i am champion gyron the meanest most evil most  badass night that ever existed and i will destroy   you not champion gyron the evilest baddest most  badass knight that ever existed oh and then there   began what was truly the most epic battle of  all history it would be written about in books   and sung from the bards from the hilltops and  every child would know the story of this battle ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding  ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and when all seemed lost for bugger last and champion guy run was about  to deliver the final blow   to something from inside bugger laos told him  what he must do ah defeat this guy on what what you defeated my god oh no wait you think i didn't have a plan for that  you're so dumb no you're dumb mama ubu   i have the perfect plan and the  villainous mama ubu got away that day   but all was not lost for boater and the prince  bugalaos and the russian army had regained the   castle and prince bugger last reclaimed his  rightful place at the throne and now could   begin their true journey to seek out papa ubu and  destroy him as vengeance for killing my father embarrassing we're dying of fast and tiredness we've been marching for five days where are  all the russians at it is regrettable that   the state of our finance it doesn't permit  us to have transportation to match our size   when we get back to poland we shall invent by  means of our knowledge of part of physics and   hated by the enlightenment of our councilors and  automobile to carry our horse and an airplane to   transport the whole army why'd you say  that just look at the state of my horse all is lost sire the poles have rebelled gyron  is dead mama obu has fled to the mountains taking   with her all of the treasures and performance  of poland oh ready bird of knights beast of   misfortune owl and gators where do you dredge  up this nonsense oh well bad from bad to worse   any who did it bugalous i bet where'd  you come from from waterstone noble sire   boy of my [ __ ] if i believed you i'd make the  whole army retrace its steps but honor the youth   there's more feathers than brains in your head  you've dreamed foolishness back to the front my   boy the wrestlings aren't too far off and soon  we'll have to attack with everything we've got   for [ __ ] for physical finance the  russians are approaching from the south east   oh my god the russians okay that does it  if i thought i could still get away but no   we're exposed on all sides on the height oh come  let us take our positions for battle now we're   going to stay on this hill and never commit the  stupidity of coming down off of it i'll stay in   the middle like a living citadel and the rest of  you will gravitate around me i must beg of you   to cram your muskets with as many balls as they  can handle because eight balls will kill eight   russians and that's just so many more i won't have  on my back okay uh we'll put the infantry at the   bottom of the hill to receive the russians and  kill them a little and then the calvary behind   to throw themselves into the confusion and in the  artillery or around the windmill here to fire into   the heat as for us we'll stay inside the windmill  and fire through the window without a finance   pistol across the door we'll put the physics  stick and anyone who tries to get better watch well fine everything's taken care of  we're going to win what time is it all right let's go to lunch i mean the russians  won't attack before noon honorable general telling   the soldiers to take a crap and tell mr audible  kitchen police to bring all the fiddles held   in reserve for the entire army but there are  dirty battles there's nothing to eat you swine   what do you mean there's nothing to eat look at  all the military commissary i'd be thinking of   you threw them all in the debris machine sir  oh yes i know i can breathe freely i knew this   excellent administration couldn't possibly make  a mistake everybody knows he loves to suck at the   troops with rumps of turkey and roast chicken and  dog paste and cauliflower all the [ __ ] another   foul but i still have to see if there's anything  left to line my belly with because i'm hungry so what what do you expect me to do about it  i didn't tell him to oh however gentlemen of   finance let's get ready for the fray oh  no thank you is heading right for papa oh by my green candle i'm had enough   yeah i'm not enough it's waiting let  it iron in here and a precious person   might even get damaged hey you're russian soldiers  don't shoot this way there's somebody here they're still oh dear it's bonjouri by a cannonball at least oh god forgive  all my sins it must have been a cannonball   it was a pistol oh you're making fun of me again  i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no   i'll kill you no no no no no i'll kill  you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you   no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll  kill you no after you no i'll kill you   i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill  you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll   kill you i'll kill you i'll kill you i'll  kill you i will kill you i'll tell you well that was lucky oh   i'm all worn out i'm have kicked a death  and i need to sit down oh oh my bottle usurper peppa ubu you shall taste russian  steel oh look can you leave me alone i'm tired   alone you wish to be left alone prepare to be  vanquished corpulent carbuncle what's that well i hope i'm i've fallen and i can't get up run  for it every man for himself run and don't look back oh what awful weather it's freezing hard enough  to split rocks and the person of the minister   of providence is suffering terribly oh but  nevertheless i displayed the greatest courage   without endangering myself in the least i  massacred four of the enemy with my bare hands   not even counting the ones that were dead already  when i dispatched them whatever became of rensky   he got a bullet through the head oh just like poor  sweet pile oh yes just as the um corn poppy in   the pizza banana mode down in the flower of their  youth by the merciless moe of the merciless mower   who most mercilessly in the pitiful fizzy what  what that oh no oh it can't be hello i am uh yeah   burglars coming in at night bad burglars invade my  place and so scary how do i how do i get them out   of my home maybe he's one of those friendly  bears i don't know papa ubu i'm hungry   oh maybe he just wants a nice picnic basket i'm  uh hungry yeah i don't know about that every   single person you including i will attack oh god  save me he's coming for me oh no no it's coccyx why bad evil people you killed me  victory is he dead yet can i come out now   sure oh well there you see he's dead and here  we are perfectly all right you may flatter   yourselves that if you were still living still  traveling the snows of lithuania you owe it to   the magnanimous virtual courage and presence of  mind of the master of finance who strained himself   broke his back and practically got a sore  throat saying panagnosis for your safety   we did not hesitate to hide behind  the team sack of [ __ ] you disgust me   a way to speak to your hero thanks to  me you know i have something to eat   i mean what a belly on that bad gentlemen the  greeks would have been more comfortable in there   than in their wooden horse and we were very  very near dear friends to being able to verify   with our own eyes his very internal capacity  cook him up let's eat him i'm starved what   you gotta be [ __ ] me let's get the [ __ ]  out of here coccyx never wasting my time on   him again we were almost eaten by a bear no no no  no wait wait wait come back come back i saved you   i did me you owe me your lines oh [ __ ] uh hey  guys guys general army coccyx come back please i'm so tired by sheer coincidence at last i find shelter here i  shall be alone no i'm done but   what a headlong flight across the whole of poland  in four days every possible misfortune assailed me   at once no sooner does that great fat clown  leave but i go to the crypt to get the treasure   right afterwards i'm almost stoned  to check my bugalous and his madmen   i lose my cavalier champion gyron who was  so enamored of my charms that he used to he used to swoon with delight every time he  looked at me and some even say when he wasn't   looking at me which was the height of persian oh  boy he would have let himself be cut in half for   me and the proof is he was cut into quarters  by bugalas if bam boom i thought i'd die then   afterwards i take flight followed by a furious  mob i leave the palace and i come to the vista   all the bridges are guarded i swim  across hoping to tire my pursuers and   all around from the side it's a nobility  have assembled to chase me a thousand times   i escaped being killed have smothered to death  my mob with pollacks lusting for my own blood   in the end i escape and after four days of  running through the snows of what used to be   my kingdom i arrive here safe i've had  nothing to eat or drink these last four days oh but here i am oh i'm dying weariness and cold  but i would certainly like to   know what became of that big fat  buffoon i mean my esteemed husband   after all did i steal his bagels did  i take his money did i grab even one   lousy bean and his money gomer that was dying of  hunger i never saw oats often the poor thing oh   it's a sad story oh but alas i lost my treasure  it's in warsaw whoever will fetch it for me now am i to return to a poor  penniless life a member of the communitarian hairs oh praise the lord do i see  little papa ubu asleep near me   now i will climb onto this rock and remain unseen well my fat old contra did you sleep well very poorly oh oh he was tough that bear huh  combat of the ravenous and the cartilaginous   but the uh hungry completely ate up the  stringy as you'll see when daylight comes   uh yeah noble champions who's he talking to  oh he's even stupider than he was when i left   who is he talking to general army conflict answer me you [ __ ] sacks  where are you oh oh i'm scared that someone spoke oh smoke oh i don't suppose it  was that bear oh is he back again   oh he's gonna eat me [ __ ] oh where are  my matches oh i lost some of the battle we will pretend to be a ghost and take  advantage of the situation and the dark   we'll make him promise to forgive us for our  pilfering but by saying every someone is speaking   like a god hang me if they're not yes master turd someone does in fact speak give  ear to this stern voice that raises from the   very task from the grave and gives only the best  advice it is the voice of the archangel gabriel it outside don't interrupt me or i shall fall  silent and that means your ass in a sling   continue madam apparition we will say master toad yes in fact it's true oh god damn it shut up hey  angels don't swear [ __ ] you are married mr turn   absolutely to the vile list of shrews oh you're  trying to say that she's a charming woman   uh a horror and then she's got fangs all over  one doesn't know how to take it you must take   her with kindness on her turn and if you do  you shall see you'll see that she's at least   the very equal of venus in paradise who would  you say had life you aren't listening mr turd   lend us a more attentive ear mr turn your wife is  adorable and delightful she hasn't a single fault oh you're mistaken i mean there  isn't a single fault she hasn't got   your wife has never been unfaithful to you  well i'd like to see the man that would want   to want a heartbeat she doesn't drink well  not since i took away the key to the cellar   before that she was drunk by  8 am and then stunk a brandy   well now that she stinks of heliotropes she  doesn't smell any worse it's all the same to me   except now i'm the only one who can get drunk  superfool your wife doesn't steal your gold no huh that's funny she doesn't punch even  even one penny well as witness our noble   and unfortunate money go man who not being fed for  three months had to do the entire campaign dragged   by the bridle across the ukraine also he died on  the job poor peace all this is false your wife is   a saint what a monster you are all of this is true  my wife is a [ __ ] what a piece of tripe you are   don't watch it oh yes that's true i forgot  who i was talking to i i didn't say a word   you killed wenceslas well it wasn't my  fault mama uma wanted me to you killed   bolus laos and last laughs well so much  the worst for them they wanted to hit me   you broke your promise to beaudora and  you killed him too well i'd rather it was   me that was king in lithuania than him but  right now you can see that it isn't either of us   well at least you can see it isn't me there's  only one way for all of your sins to be forgiven   oh uh what is it i i'm  willing to become a holy man   i will be a bishop and see my name in the  calendar you must forgive mama for having new food so that's it oh i'll forgive her i'll forgive  a good when she gives it all back and i've   walloped her that when she brings back my money  goldman life shut up about the horse already well   anyway i'm glad to know for sure that my dear  wife has been robbing me i have it now on the   highest authority omnis ardeo siencia which means  arminius or adel knowledge siencia comes from god   that explains the mystery but  madam apparition is silent what can i do to cheer her up what  she was saying was very uh amusing   oh oh it's getting to be morning   oh notice just the first light of dawn trickled  into the kit ah for christ's sake it's mama ubu that's not true i'll excommunicate you  carrion atheist oh this is too much i see   perfectly well it's you you dumb [ __  ] what the devil are you doing here kyron is dead and the poles chased me out   it was the russians chased me  birds and feather flocked together   i'd say this bird met up with a jackass well in  a minute she's going to meet up with a pulmopede it's dead but now that you  mention it maybe it isn't   oh lord no it isn't dead oh  our father who farts in heaven it's stone cold you miserable jackass  how did he get here i don't know   oh yeah yeah now i know he wanted to eat the  general and coccyx and me and i killed him   with one terrible blow of the paternoster  oh [ __ ] i'm telling the exact truth tell me the exact story of your campaign papa  ubu oh no it's too long all i know is that in   spite of my uncontestable valiance everybody beat  me what even the polls oh they were shouting long   live wenceslas and bugalos i thought they were  going to tear me apart madman they killed pyle   and uh beaujolais yeah and uh phil and steve  oh i ain't even rensky i don't give a damn   well i don't give a damn i don't get damn  either no i don't do a dab i don't give   a damn desperately you surfers oh no not yet  fight me you coward you're wrong beggar bastard communists you take that back it's the general army and coccyx in the nick of  time oh forward gentlemen of the finance come on   hit him out you go collects hey mr finance we  meet again forward press forward to the door   great i'm good at that he hit me oh my god  i'm wounded oh you're almost there all right there's only two left guarding  the door i'll fix them one two let's get the hell out of here and so the ubus and the small band of massacres  escaped the cave leaving bugalao sent his men   to lick their wounds although bugalao swore  he would enact his revenge i'll get you papa he returned to warsaw to reclaim his throne and  title as king of poland ironically his first   act as king was to reinstate papa ubu's taxes  to pay for the astronomical cost of post-war   reconstruction boda ray's funeral was perhaps  the most widely attended event in polish history   not because the people cared so much about  the sacrifice he made for their freedom   but that there were soup salad  and breadsticks at the reception   the tsar eventually got up and returned to russia  where he was promptly murdered by his own people and as for mama and papa ubu well well i guess they've given up looking for us yes  burger louse has gone to get himself key around   i certainly do not envy him this isn't a  peaceful country papa ubu you're right the   only way to ensure our continued posterity  is to wave where can we malicious bigoted   foul-footed masters who funnily are different  let's live in peace and prosperity plants on to rants but how will we get  there ahoy there oh everybody on sail uh sea captain i any which way you  please sir the former mr sea captain mr c captain all in the standing  jib one like a reef in the top full brace yourselves a squall oh will mama and papa ubu make it to france   will coccyx recover from the staggering loss  of his best friend pyle will general ermey   ever learn to love will the sea captain finally  accept that the sea having no corporeal form   can never truly be his mistress find out  next week same ubu time same ubu channel oh now la la la la uh

2021-04-05

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