SHIIIIT! - Oh, That's a fine thing! What a pig you are Papa Ubu! - Shut up or i'll bash your head in Mama Ubu! - Oh, fuck off! - It's not me you ought to kill Papa Ubu there's other skulls need cracking. - By my green candle! - I don't follow - How? Papa Ubu! You mean to tell me you're content with your lot in life? - By my green candle, madam, certainly yes. I'm content. Shit, I could be content with less after all I'm captain of the dragoon platoons privy counselor to the good king Wenceslas Knight of the Red Eagle of Poland and formerly king of Aragon. What more do you want? - What! You're telling me that after being the King of Aragon, you can just settle down to reviewing 50 flunkies armed with cabbage cutters, when instead you could put the crown of Poland on your head where the crown of Aragon used to be.
- Mama Ubu, I don't understand a word you're saying. - You are so stupid - Now by my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive. and suppose he croaks - hasn't he got loads of children? - What prevents you from massacring the whole family and putting yourself in their place? - Mama Ubu, you do me wrong. Watch out you don't end up in the soup - Poor unfortunate, when I'm in the soup
who'll patch the seat of your pants? - Is that so? and if you don't then so what? Isn't my ass just as good as anybody else's? - If I were in your place I'd want to plant my gargantuan ass on a throne. You could make lots of money, you could eat all the sausages you want, you could roll through the streets in a carriage. - Oh if I were king, I'd have a big wide-brimmed hat - the kind I had in Aragon! - You could even get yourself a great big umbrella oh and a cape that hangs to your heels - I yield to temptation. Buggerly shit shitterly bugger. If I run into him in a corner of the woods. I'll give him a rough half hour. - Good, Papa Ubu. Now you're talking like a man.
- No. No. Me a captain of dragoons massacre king of Poland? I'd sooner die. - You're gonna stay poor as a rat, Papa Ubu? - Blue belly by my green candle I'd rather be poor as a rat than rich like a wicked fat cat. - What about... what about the broad rimmed hat? and the... and the umbrella and the great cape? - What about them Mama Ubu? -Oh..........SHIT! [ __ ] later that same evening one hour later two hours later One eternity later Gaaaahd our guests are so late! -yes...by my green candle and i'm dying of hunger oh Mama Ubu... you're looking very ugly tonight. is that because we're having company?
-Shit hey i'm hungry i'm going to dig into this bird chicken chicken oh not bad -what are you doing you wretch? what will our guests eat? -they'll still have plenty i i won't take any more mama go look out the window and see if our guests are coming i don't see anyone oh there's captain Bodure arriving with his men what are you doing now, papa ubu? -nothiing. bit of veal. Veal? [screams] the veal. the veal? he's eaten the veal! help! [agh] Now, by my green candle I'm gonna scratch your eyes out! Madam Ubu! -good day gentlemen we've been waiting impatiently for you. please sit
thank you madam but where is Papa Ubu? Where is Papa Ubu? Here i am. oh damn it by my green candle i'm certainly fat enough -hello papa ubu. sit down men anymore and i'd go through the chair well mama what sumptuous delicacies have you prepared for us potatoes soup dress chops veal chicken dog paste turkey rums charlotte russe ice pudding salad fruit various hard and soft cheeses boiled beef jerusalem fartichokes don't listen to him he's an imbecile i'm going to sharpen my teeth on your calves eat your dinner instead here have some potato soup oh buggery it's bad it isn't terribly good you ill-mannered louts what do you want then wait um i have an idea i'll be right back Bodure won't you try some veal oh it's wonderful what's left of it is wonderful it was wonderful and now the the rumps oh delicious delicious hooray for mama ubu and soon you'll be shouting ready for papa ubu wretch what are you doing try a little of that i'll serve yes all right everybody outside out hey captain bogory i want to talk to you hey we haven't eaten yet what do you mean you haven't eaten everybody outside oh my god now buy my green candle i'm gonna murder you with these drat chops wow look out there's a little [ __ ] this [ __ ] is [ __ ] outside you hear me there they're gone i can relax now i didn't get much to eat how about you boo jewelry pretty well sir except for the shit oh the shit wasn't that bad hey stiffer captain beaujolais i've decided to make you duke of um lithuania how i thought you were terribly poor papa well in a few days if you please i shall reign over poland you're going to kill wenceslas he's not so dumb the bugger he guessed it if it's a killing of kim if it's a question of killing wenceslas i'm in i'm his mortal enemy and i'll answer for my men the rest of them never i'm gonna stamp on your feet big shit go bow jewelry i finished with you but by my green candle i swear by mama ubu i'm going to make you duke of lithuania but shut up my sweet child buy my green candle what is it a message from king wenceslas it says come to the palace immediately oh shit bloody blue blazes by my green candle he's found out oh i'm gonna have my head cut off spineless shit face what are we going to do oh uh i i have an idea i'll say it was mama boo and boo door oh you did you that's what i'll do i'll give you sausages you know what you can do with your sausages do sorry oh your majesty your majesty it wasn't me it was mama hobo and bonjour what is the metal boo nothing he's he's been drinking he's struck ah yes like me this morning oh i'm drunk so drunk i've been drinking too much of that luxurious french wine don't listen to them your majesty that dirty old [ __ ] is drunk yes i know thank you madam now captain vladimir elizabeth turd i call you here to reward you for your numerous services to our kingdom and so today i dub you count of sandomir oh now join us tomorrow for a grand military parade oh of course yes yes you're wonderful and that's it please accept this um magnificently decorated kazoo a kazoo what is a man my age supposed to do with a kazoo this guy is so stupid our thanks for this delightful kazoo papa ubu wait i'll fuck off now did you hurt yourself peppa ubu oh we shall see to her maintenance yes but all the same king winter's loss you're going to be massacred a few minutes later well my dear friends it's high time we decided on a plan of action everybody will get a chance to share their own ideas well i think that we should drop so my idea is that we poison the king uh by sticking arsenic in his breakfast and then when he goes to chomp on it he'll drop dead and then i'll be king blame us why you dumb fuck what you don't like it oh all right fine oh let's hear bonjoure's idea i think we should strike him a terrible blow of the sword i'll split him open from hedge to take absolutely i like that what if he starts kicking you he wears those great eye on boots and they really hurt if i had half a chance i'd snitch on all of you for dragging me into this mess well i bet i get a huge reward too oh the traitor that coward the scary scurvy son of a bitch vomit on papa ubu what nobody puke on me all right i'll tell you what i'm willing to take the risk for you let's see now Bodure it'll be your job to split the king down the middle wouldn't it be better for us all to jump on him at once yelling and screaming that way we would have a better chance of winning over the troops oh okay fine so i'll stomp on his feet and he'll jump back and i'll say to him and that'll be the signal for the bunch of you to just jump on him yelling and screaming yes and as soon as he's dead you grab his scepter and his crown and i'll go after the royal family with my men yes and be sure to get that little bucket of louse we can't start act two yet we forgot an indispensable part of the ceremony we have to swear to fight valiantly huh but what can we swear on we don't have a bible anywhere well i am oh just swear on mama ubu you all swear to kill the king real good yeah we swear all right let's roll with it huzzah last night i had a dream of hours dreadful and things strange falcon towering in his pride of place was by a mousing owl hawked at and killed and horses my royal horses beauties and swift the minions of their race turned wild in nature broke their stalls flung out contending against obedience they ate each other and saint nicholas protect me a fatal bonkening and ubu peppa ubu papa ubu there you are come here and we will inspect the troops there is my regiment of dancing horse guards what a magnificent spectacle you think so well they look awful they look like something the cat drag did look at that guy hey ugly how long said you took a shave your dirty bomb but but this soldier is quite proper what is the matter with you papa this help holy virgin treason murder scandal i am slain well done men now the family let's go what i'm not dead i'm not dead oh not dead well let me help you who's the king now i'm the king now and now presenting the heroic tale of the fantastic prince burgaloss defender of truth defeater of villains and the rightful heir to the polish throne and his mother were playing in the tower one day being rich and famous and having all the toys and just generally having a good time yay when suddenly from outside the door there was a crash bang and i'm the meanest smelliest dangerous baddest bad guy that ever batted and i'm gonna kill you real good god almighty i will defend my mother to the death papa ubu you take one step further and i'm gonna i'm gonna kill the shit out of you um guards and then from every angle there came ubu's guards from the floorboards and the kitchenette and the mini bar that you popped out of everywhere oh all right you blankers you still run pots you other kinds of pots i'm gonna kill you real good boop oh you did it bugger wiles yay my hero oh you may have defeated my henchmen but you'll never defeat me i'd like to see you try to need you defeated him now come mother we must escape through the secret staircase okay so they escaped through the secret staircase and they met all of ubu's guards along the way but prince bugger laos defeated every one of them and then they ran over hill and dale and dale hill and the hillsdales and all of their until they got to a cave come mother we'll be safe in this cave oh i hope so but i'll i think about your your brave father king wednesday's oh mother mother come on mother we gotta go in mother mother come on you gotta wake up mother and then prince bugger loss was alone in the cave there were no parents or nurse maids or milkmaids or the regular kinds of maids or any of the swans the swimming the geese laying there was no one hello am thy forefathers ghost in life i was junker matthias ron koenigsberg der nipping stefan the 17th the first king and founder of our house to your hands i entrust our vengeance let this sword that i give you see no rest until it has banged hell out of the usurper i won't let you down forefather i'm singing a theme song it's just about themes that the song is about doo doo doo doo doo no i won't do it you want to ruin me with this nonsense but i say papa ubu don't you know that people expect gifts to celebrate your coronation if you don't distribute food and gold you'll be overthrown in a couple of hours food yes gold no just slaughter up three of old hags that's good enough for such swine flying yourself how did such a crummy creature such as yourself ever get slapped together i'm telling you again i'm here to get rich i won't fork over a penny when you have in your hands all of the treasures of poland wait a minute i know where there's an immense treasure hidden in the chapel we'll distribute that you salacious witch you do that and i'll tell you if you don't make any distribution the people will refuse to pay their taxes is that right yes oh well in that case i can sense everything bring in two or three million gold pieces and roast 150 oxen and twice as many sheep or three times as many horses oh and make sure there's plenty left over for me oh now by my green candle here i am king in this country i already have a magnificent indigestion and pretty soon they're gonna bring my great big cape what's it made of papa ubu it's all very well to be king but we've got to economize my female the cape is made of sheepskin with a clasp and frogs of dog hide oh why that's lovely but it's even lovelier to be king you were right all along we owe a great debt of gratitude to the duke of lithuania why don't you do me a favor mama uber don't ever mention that slovenly leopard of me again not that i don't need him anymore you can go scratch his ass you'll never get that dodgy you're making a great mistake papa ubu he'll turn against you find my green candle you're right mama ubu quick to the dungeon you're in a pickle now you wanted me to pay you what i owed you and what i wouldn't you revoked it you plotted against me and here you are in the trap duckets the trick is so neatly turned you want to find it very much to your taste just revenge for revolt don't you think what are you talking about i didn't do that when did i do that it happened off screen oh really that's convenient okay uh so uh in five days you've been king you've committed more crimes than it would take to damn all the sights and paradise the blood of a king and of his nobles cry vengeance and their cries will be heard and safe blood you want blood will and i will grind your bones to dust and with your blood and it i'll make a paste and of the paste a coffin i will rear and make two pasties of your shameful head what really sleep tight don't let sew rats bite oh well that was such hard work now i can sit on my fat ass you lazy slob papa ubu you've dealt with him but what about bugalal's you really think you've seen the last of him what money absolutely what do you think he could do to me papa ubu mind what i'm telling you you must try to win over bug allows with your generosity what oh more money to hand out you already made me throw away more than 22 million no more it's on your own head papa ubu he'll cook your goose oh well you'll be in the pot with me listen to me one last time i am positive young bungalows will carry it off after all he has justice on his side not to mention the power of traditional narrative structure oh [ __ ] madam isn't injustice just as good as justice me mama ubu i'm gonna cut you to little pieces it's up it's gonna fuck you up scary for heaven's sake papa ooble restrain yourself no i'm going to have the nobles executed and seize all their property bring in the first noble those that are condemned to death i'll put to the trap door and they'll tumble through the subsellers of pinch pork and moneybag where their brains will be removed by the degrading machine who are you stupid count of vitibus what's your income three million bagels brah condom what vile ferocity second noble who are you you gotta answer stupid cuckoo grand posin okay fine fine that's all i want to know in the trap go on the third noble who are you no god no oh god no you're so ugly huh go into the track fourth noble who are you prince of pedolia what's your income i'm bankrupt oh you you get out of here noble who are you my grave of thorn into the trunks you're so bloodthirsty papa ooboo come on hurry up now i want to make laws first of all i'm going to reform justice after which we'll proceed to finances hey where are the magistrates huh oh there you are from now on you magistrates don't get paid but what will we live on yeah we're poor well you can live on the fines you levy and the property of whoever you condemned to death horrors scandal we refuse to judge under those circumstances into the trap with the magistrates oh my papa uber what are you doing who is to render justice now me oh you'll see how well things will go oh yes that'll go just dandy oh shut up big mouth and now finance there's nothing to change what do you mean i want everything changed first of all i'm keeping half the taxes that's all listen up you shifter brains we'll put a 10 tax on all property another on commerce and industry a third on marrying and a fourth on not marrying and a fifth on dying fifteen trillion cents a piece that's idiotic that's absurd do you even know how to count oh you're trying to screw me into the truck but really papa ubu what kind of a king are you you're murdering everybody oh [ __ ] no more justice no more finance oh fear nothing my sweet child i'll go from village to village myself and collect the taxes [ __ ] in the trap bring in who's ever left of these eminent persons you who so strangely resemble all a well-known critic into the trap yeah get in there and you miss the chief of police with all due disrespect to you into the trap yeah yeah and into the trap with this english minister yeah oh throw in the canadian minister too yeah yeah the good looking one yeah and you uh notable anti uh semi into the track yeah and you notable semi yeah into the trap and you mr mega church passer and you mr apothecary and you mrs sensor and you mr uh uh uh miss mr belvedere yeah yeah into the track into the trap and you in the trap and you in the trap many unbearable hours later a gentleman the meeting is now open listen carefully or i will uncouple your heads from your bodies so are you gonna listen to me but your excellency hasn't said anything yet what do you mean i've been talking for an hour do you think i came to preach to the wilderness now first we're going to deal with the subject of finances after that we'll talk about a little system i've invented for bringing good weather and conjuring rain what a blockhead madam of my [shit i won't put up with any more of your nonsense right well then gentlemen i will inform you that the finances are going fairly well every morning a considerable number of dogs in woolen stockings pour into the streets and the dog nappers are doing fine on all sides one can see burning houses and people are bending under the weight of their finance taxes are paid paid double and then paid triple after that is that so my liege not at all the tax on marriage hasn't brought in more than 11 cents and papa uber is chasing people all over to make them get married blood and money horn of my strom pot madame financier haven't i ears to speak with and your mouth to hear me i'd rather know you're the one that's making me make mistakes are you you're the blame for my stupidity god damn it another one oh somebody else read it either i'm losing my mind or i don't know how to read hurry up buggle it it's to be for bojore precisely he says he says after escaping the dungeon in the dead of the night he flew to Moscow i'm scared that i am oh i'm scared oh what's the become of me this man is gonna kill me oh say to anthony oh say nicholas protect me i'll pay cash oh i'll even burn candles down oh there's still a way out papa ubu what's that sling about poland wanting to stay out of war he's a crocodile rabbit you are military man at oh glorious legs the army's already leaving and you'll never catch up oh calm your tits mama oo boo i'm almost ready give me my swagger stick will ya oh now what do i say to those russians when i beat the hell out of them oh my battle cry you don't be living anymore no that's not enough yeah i forgot the breastplate let's see here oh pretty soon i'm going to be so loaded down i won't be able to run if they chase me oh i bring in the horse your horse won't be able to carry you it hasn't eaten anything for days it's nearly dead turd horn either you're kidding me or you're robbing me give me another horse horns trumpet yet take me a walk all the way to the war oh i better sit down i'm falling it doesn't matter it's war i'm going to war and i'll kill everybody anybody steps on the line watch out i'll fix them with twisting of the nose and teeth and extraction of the tongue good luck papa oo-boo kill the tsar good tally and now presenting the heroic tale of the great prince defeated villains protector of truth and rightful heir to the throne when we last left our hero he had been visited by the ghost of his great great great great great great great great great great grandfather here you go and bequeathed as giant sword of vengeance thank you thank you for father i will and so prince bugal set out in search of allies to help him reclaim his rightful throne and he traveled over hill and the dales and the hilldales once again until one day arrow huh who are you allo prince bogo laos i am powder a captain who definitely never ever ever betrayed anybody ever in my life okay i have word from zara ii that he will aid you in your claim to the polish throne that's fantastic now we go to warsaw and poland to reclaim my rightful throne for the forefathers that came before me and so powder and bugger loss led the of the russian army there were thousands of men and horses and bears and dancing gossips and men in furry hats and vodka and borscht whatever borscht is and they marched through the night and through the day until boom they got to the gates of warsaw where where they saw the peasants and the peasants greeted them oh prince bugalas you're finally here thank goodness papa hulu has been terrible he's stolen all our money and our dogs and he's kicked us and beaten us and he's spending all of our money on stupid ridiculous things like airplanes and in-ground pools and exotic animals and nose jobs and it's just terrible please please please please please help us help us don't worry peasants i've got you we will march in and reclaim the throne for my forefathers and i will take my rightful place oh thank you and when i do i will return all the taxes and your grandmothers and your puppy dogs to you as they should be oh thank you popular thank you yes yes yes thank you thank you thank you okay okay get off me go and then prince bugalas and boater march to the palace cage to come my friends we will storm the castle and reclaim my throne as only we can yay go prince power was nowhere to be found there was only the witch mama ubu in there with her guards fought the guards valiantly has kicked him in the face until what's all that noise finally mama ubu finally decided to come down what's all the noise down here who's disturbing my beauty sleep it is i mama ubu prince bugger last rightful heir to this polish throne and you should vacate while you can oh i don't have any time for this can you just let me leave or something no okay champion get him and there was only one guard left i am champion gyron the meanest most evil most badass night that ever existed and i will destroy you not champion gyron the evilest baddest most badass knight that ever existed oh and then there began what was truly the most epic battle of all history it would be written about in books and sung from the bards from the hilltops and every child would know the story of this battle ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and when all seemed lost for bugger last and champion guy run was about to deliver the final blow to something from inside bugger laos told him what he must do ah defeat this guy on what what you defeated my god oh no wait you think i didn't have a plan for that you're so dumb no you're dumb mama ubu i have the perfect plan and the villainous mama ubu got away that day but all was not lost for boater and the prince bugalaos and the russian army had regained the castle and prince bugger last reclaimed his rightful place at the throne and now could begin their true journey to seek out papa ubu and destroy him as vengeance for killing my father embarrassing we're dying of fast and tiredness we've been marching for five days where are all the russians at it is regrettable that the state of our finance it doesn't permit us to have transportation to match our size when we get back to poland we shall invent by means of our knowledge of part of physics and hated by the enlightenment of our councilors and automobile to carry our horse and an airplane to transport the whole army why'd you say that just look at the state of my horse all is lost sire the poles have rebelled gyron is dead mama obu has fled to the mountains taking with her all of the treasures and performance of poland oh ready bird of knights beast of misfortune owl and gators where do you dredge up this nonsense oh well bad from bad to worse any who did it bugalous i bet where'd you come from from waterstone noble sire boy of my [ __ ] if i believed you i'd make the whole army retrace its steps but honor the youth there's more feathers than brains in your head you've dreamed foolishness back to the front my boy the wrestlings aren't too far off and soon we'll have to attack with everything we've got for [ __ ] for physical finance the russians are approaching from the south east oh my god the russians okay that does it if i thought i could still get away but no we're exposed on all sides on the height oh come let us take our positions for battle now we're going to stay on this hill and never commit the stupidity of coming down off of it i'll stay in the middle like a living citadel and the rest of you will gravitate around me i must beg of you to cram your muskets with as many balls as they can handle because eight balls will kill eight russians and that's just so many more i won't have on my back okay uh we'll put the infantry at the bottom of the hill to receive the russians and kill them a little and then the calvary behind to throw themselves into the confusion and in the artillery or around the windmill here to fire into the heat as for us we'll stay inside the windmill and fire through the window without a finance pistol across the door we'll put the physics stick and anyone who tries to get better watch well fine everything's taken care of we're going to win what time is it all right let's go to lunch i mean the russians won't attack before noon honorable general telling the soldiers to take a crap and tell mr audible kitchen police to bring all the fiddles held in reserve for the entire army but there are dirty battles there's nothing to eat you swine what do you mean there's nothing to eat look at all the military commissary i'd be thinking of you threw them all in the debris machine sir oh yes i know i can breathe freely i knew this excellent administration couldn't possibly make a mistake everybody knows he loves to suck at the troops with rumps of turkey and roast chicken and dog paste and cauliflower all the [ __ ] another foul but i still have to see if there's anything left to line my belly with because i'm hungry so what what do you expect me to do about it i didn't tell him to oh however gentlemen of finance let's get ready for the fray oh no thank you is heading right for papa oh by my green candle i'm had enough yeah i'm not enough it's waiting let it iron in here and a precious person might even get damaged hey you're russian soldiers don't shoot this way there's somebody here they're still oh dear it's bonjouri by a cannonball at least oh god forgive all my sins it must have been a cannonball it was a pistol oh you're making fun of me again i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no no no no no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no after you no i'll kill you i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you no i'll kill you i'll kill you i'll kill you i'll kill you i will kill you i'll tell you well that was lucky oh i'm all worn out i'm have kicked a death and i need to sit down oh oh my bottle usurper peppa ubu you shall taste russian steel oh look can you leave me alone i'm tired alone you wish to be left alone prepare to be vanquished corpulent carbuncle what's that well i hope i'm i've fallen and i can't get up run for it every man for himself run and don't look back oh what awful weather it's freezing hard enough to split rocks and the person of the minister of providence is suffering terribly oh but nevertheless i displayed the greatest courage without endangering myself in the least i massacred four of the enemy with my bare hands not even counting the ones that were dead already when i dispatched them whatever became of rensky he got a bullet through the head oh just like poor sweet pile oh yes just as the um corn poppy in the pizza banana mode down in the flower of their youth by the merciless moe of the merciless mower who most mercilessly in the pitiful fizzy what what that oh no oh it can't be hello i am uh yeah burglars coming in at night bad burglars invade my place and so scary how do i how do i get them out of my home maybe he's one of those friendly bears i don't know papa ubu i'm hungry oh maybe he just wants a nice picnic basket i'm uh hungry yeah i don't know about that every single person you including i will attack oh god save me he's coming for me oh no no it's coccyx why bad evil people you killed me victory is he dead yet can i come out now sure oh well there you see he's dead and here we are perfectly all right you may flatter yourselves that if you were still living still traveling the snows of lithuania you owe it to the magnanimous virtual courage and presence of mind of the master of finance who strained himself broke his back and practically got a sore throat saying panagnosis for your safety we did not hesitate to hide behind the team sack of [ __ ] you disgust me a way to speak to your hero thanks to me you know i have something to eat i mean what a belly on that bad gentlemen the greeks would have been more comfortable in there than in their wooden horse and we were very very near dear friends to being able to verify with our own eyes his very internal capacity cook him up let's eat him i'm starved what you gotta be [ __ ] me let's get the [ __ ] out of here coccyx never wasting my time on him again we were almost eaten by a bear no no no no wait wait wait come back come back i saved you i did me you owe me your lines oh [ __ ] uh hey guys guys general army coccyx come back please i'm so tired by sheer coincidence at last i find shelter here i shall be alone no i'm done but what a headlong flight across the whole of poland in four days every possible misfortune assailed me at once no sooner does that great fat clown leave but i go to the crypt to get the treasure right afterwards i'm almost stoned to check my bugalous and his madmen i lose my cavalier champion gyron who was so enamored of my charms that he used to he used to swoon with delight every time he looked at me and some even say when he wasn't looking at me which was the height of persian oh boy he would have let himself be cut in half for me and the proof is he was cut into quarters by bugalas if bam boom i thought i'd die then afterwards i take flight followed by a furious mob i leave the palace and i come to the vista all the bridges are guarded i swim across hoping to tire my pursuers and all around from the side it's a nobility have assembled to chase me a thousand times i escaped being killed have smothered to death my mob with pollacks lusting for my own blood in the end i escape and after four days of running through the snows of what used to be my kingdom i arrive here safe i've had nothing to eat or drink these last four days oh but here i am oh i'm dying weariness and cold but i would certainly like to know what became of that big fat buffoon i mean my esteemed husband after all did i steal his bagels did i take his money did i grab even one lousy bean and his money gomer that was dying of hunger i never saw oats often the poor thing oh it's a sad story oh but alas i lost my treasure it's in warsaw whoever will fetch it for me now am i to return to a poor penniless life a member of the communitarian hairs oh praise the lord do i see little papa ubu asleep near me now i will climb onto this rock and remain unseen well my fat old contra did you sleep well very poorly oh oh he was tough that bear huh combat of the ravenous and the cartilaginous but the uh hungry completely ate up the stringy as you'll see when daylight comes uh yeah noble champions who's he talking to oh he's even stupider than he was when i left who is he talking to general army conflict answer me you [ __ ] sacks where are you oh oh i'm scared that someone spoke oh smoke oh i don't suppose it was that bear oh is he back again oh he's gonna eat me [ __ ] oh where are my matches oh i lost some of the battle we will pretend to be a ghost and take advantage of the situation and the dark we'll make him promise to forgive us for our pilfering but by saying every someone is speaking like a god hang me if they're not yes master turd someone does in fact speak give ear to this stern voice that raises from the very task from the grave and gives only the best advice it is the voice of the archangel gabriel it outside don't interrupt me or i shall fall silent and that means your ass in a sling continue madam apparition we will say master toad yes in fact it's true oh god damn it shut up hey angels don't swear [ __ ] you are married mr turn absolutely to the vile list of shrews oh you're trying to say that she's a charming woman uh a horror and then she's got fangs all over one doesn't know how to take it you must take her with kindness on her turn and if you do you shall see you'll see that she's at least the very equal of venus in paradise who would you say had life you aren't listening mr turd lend us a more attentive ear mr turn your wife is adorable and delightful she hasn't a single fault oh you're mistaken i mean there isn't a single fault she hasn't got your wife has never been unfaithful to you well i'd like to see the man that would want to want a heartbeat she doesn't drink well not since i took away the key to the cellar before that she was drunk by 8 am and then stunk a brandy well now that she stinks of heliotropes she doesn't smell any worse it's all the same to me except now i'm the only one who can get drunk superfool your wife doesn't steal your gold no huh that's funny she doesn't punch even even one penny well as witness our noble and unfortunate money go man who not being fed for three months had to do the entire campaign dragged by the bridle across the ukraine also he died on the job poor peace all this is false your wife is a saint what a monster you are all of this is true my wife is a [ __ ] what a piece of tripe you are don't watch it oh yes that's true i forgot who i was talking to i i didn't say a word you killed wenceslas well it wasn't my fault mama uma wanted me to you killed bolus laos and last laughs well so much the worst for them they wanted to hit me you broke your promise to beaudora and you killed him too well i'd rather it was me that was king in lithuania than him but right now you can see that it isn't either of us well at least you can see it isn't me there's only one way for all of your sins to be forgiven oh uh what is it i i'm willing to become a holy man i will be a bishop and see my name in the calendar you must forgive mama for having new food so that's it oh i'll forgive her i'll forgive a good when she gives it all back and i've walloped her that when she brings back my money goldman life shut up about the horse already well anyway i'm glad to know for sure that my dear wife has been robbing me i have it now on the highest authority omnis ardeo siencia which means arminius or adel knowledge siencia comes from god that explains the mystery but madam apparition is silent what can i do to cheer her up what she was saying was very uh amusing oh oh it's getting to be morning oh notice just the first light of dawn trickled into the kit ah for christ's sake it's mama ubu that's not true i'll excommunicate you carrion atheist oh this is too much i see perfectly well it's you you dumb [ __ ] what the devil are you doing here kyron is dead and the poles chased me out it was the russians chased me birds and feather flocked together i'd say this bird met up with a jackass well in a minute she's going to meet up with a pulmopede it's dead but now that you mention it maybe it isn't oh lord no it isn't dead oh our father who farts in heaven it's stone cold you miserable jackass how did he get here i don't know oh yeah yeah now i know he wanted to eat the general and coccyx and me and i killed him with one terrible blow of the paternoster oh [ __ ] i'm telling the exact truth tell me the exact story of your campaign papa ubu oh no it's too long all i know is that in spite of my uncontestable valiance everybody beat me what even the polls oh they were shouting long live wenceslas and bugalos i thought they were going to tear me apart madman they killed pyle and uh beaujolais yeah and uh phil and steve oh i ain't even rensky i don't give a damn well i don't give a damn i don't get damn either no i don't do a dab i don't give a damn desperately you surfers oh no not yet fight me you coward you're wrong beggar bastard communists you take that back it's the general army and coccyx in the nick of time oh forward gentlemen of the finance come on hit him out you go collects hey mr finance we meet again forward press forward to the door great i'm good at that he hit me oh my god i'm wounded oh you're almost there all right there's only two left guarding the door i'll fix them one two let's get the hell out of here and so the ubus and the small band of massacres escaped the cave leaving bugalao sent his men to lick their wounds although bugalao swore he would enact his revenge i'll get you papa he returned to warsaw to reclaim his throne and title as king of poland ironically his first act as king was to reinstate papa ubu's taxes to pay for the astronomical cost of post-war reconstruction boda ray's funeral was perhaps the most widely attended event in polish history not because the people cared so much about the sacrifice he made for their freedom but that there were soup salad and breadsticks at the reception the tsar eventually got up and returned to russia where he was promptly murdered by his own people and as for mama and papa ubu well well i guess they've given up looking for us yes burger louse has gone to get himself key around i certainly do not envy him this isn't a peaceful country papa ubu you're right the only way to ensure our continued posterity is to wave where can we malicious bigoted foul-footed masters who funnily are different let's live in peace and prosperity plants on to rants but how will we get there ahoy there oh everybody on sail uh sea captain i any which way you please sir the former mr sea captain mr c captain all in the standing jib one like a reef in the top full brace yourselves a squall oh will mama and papa ubu make it to france will coccyx recover from the staggering loss of his best friend pyle will general ermey ever learn to love will the sea captain finally accept that the sea having no corporeal form can never truly be his mistress find out next week same ubu time same ubu channel oh now la la la la uh