Trump's Digital Trading Cards, Biden Signs Respect for Marriage Act: This Week's News | Tonight Show

Trump's Digital Trading Cards, Biden Signs Respect for Marriage Act: This Week's News | Tonight Show

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show." You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home. ♪♪ We are right in the middle of the holiday season, and I saw that Instacart is now offering same-day delivery for Christmas trees. [ Laughter ] So remember to tip, because your delivery guy definitely has an ax.

[ Laughter ] Yeah, wow. Of course, it's Instacart, so get ready for a text that says, "They're out of Christmas trees. Is Pepsi okay?" And you go, "Pepsi? That's not even --" Yep, Christmas trees on Instacart. It's a beautiful new family tradition of gathering around papa until he swipes right on the perfect balsam fir. "Dad's getting his phone out. Come on, let's gather up."

I don't want someone else picking out my Christmas tree. I don't even like someone else picking out my cantaloupe. I was like, "Oh. You thought that was ripe? Didn't you knock on it?" Is that what you do with a cantaloupe? Do you knock on it? -You got to thwap the end. You smell it. You know. -Certain things I just knock on and think I know what I'm talking about. Do you knock on a pineapple? That does nothing.

You peel the leaf of a pineapple. -You pull the leaf. -Watermelon I knock on, of course.

That goes without saying. -Knock on wood. -I knock on watermelons I don't even buy. I just go up and go, "Hey, what's up?" [ Laughter ] -Fill it with vodka. -Yeah, yeah.

Did you guys see this? New York just passed a law that makes all gift cards purchased in the state valid for at least nine years. -Ooh! -You know you got someone the perfect gift card when it takes them 8 1/2 years to use it. "Well, you like Home Depot, so..."

8 1/2 -- Yeah. They're good for nine years, although I'm not quite sure what to do with a valid gift card from Borders Bookstore. What am I doing? What am I doing? Find me a Borders. Let's get to some news. Due to a rise in COVID, RSV, and flu cases, New York City health officials issued an advisory urging people to wear masks again.

[ Audience groans ] I think they're getting tired of these announcements, 'cause this one felt a little more casual than the rest. Take a look at this. That's... -Wow. -That was fast. ♪♪

That's it? That was fast. That's right -- New York City is experiencing high levels of COVID, flu, and RSV, and health officials are calling it a "tridemic." -Aw, come on, man. We can do better than that. -What's that, Tariq? -I said we can come up with a better name than a "tridemic."

That's so clunky. -Yeah, you're right. "Tridemic" doesn't even rhyme with anything. What are you thinking? -Um, the three-sles.

[ Laughter ] -That's good. Scarlet three-ver. -Uh...hepa-thri-tis. -Gono-three-a. -The thrice-capades. -The thrice is right.

-Trip-slip. -Fuzzy triple. -Mm... uh, "Three Strains and a Baby." -"Three Strains and a Rabies." -[ Laughs ] -Once, twice, three types of achy.

-The Tri Guys. -We can just call it "Three's Company." -How about "All I Want for Christmas is Achoo"? -Rocking around a Christmas three.

-Oh. The tres race. -Ooh! The tres force. -Left without a tres.

-All aboard the flu-flu strain choo-choo train. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's it. That's the one. That's it. Tariq Trotter got it right.

[ Dinging ] That's it, buddy. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Well, guys, Elon Musk is still on his "trying to make people upset" tour. And Elon is being slammed for a tweet he posted yesterday that said... Fauci was like, "Yep, much like a Tesla battery, Elon's on fire." [ Laughter ] Yeah. You could tell Fauci wasn't having it

because he wrote back, "Congrats on making Twitter the Johnson & Johnson vaccine of social media." [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Meanwhile, Elon also said that Twitter's character limit for tweets is going to increase from 280 to 4,000. People are like, "4,000 characters? At that point, I may as well get my news from the news." [ Laughter ] Switching gears, King Charles just released the first royal Christmas card of his reign.

Ready for it? Here it is. "Wishing you a very happy Christmas and New Year." It has the same emotional feeling as a holiday card from your dentist.

[ Laughter ] "I can see through this." Seriously, the love and emotion just flows from that guy's pen. Are there budget cuts at Buckingham Palace? Is that -- Is Elon firing everyone in the card division over there? Well, here's some big news. The other day, a lot of people were surprised to see Ben Affleck getting coffee at Starbucks. -Oh! [ Audience "Oohs" ] -Ben Affleck was drinking Starbucks, and it didn't take long for Dunkin' to respond.

Watch this. -Well, well. You think you're better than us, Benedict Affleck? You think you're wicked smart going to Starbucks, sipping $6 drinks like the freaking King of England? Enjoy your foam in a dome, you L.A. jabron. Just go ahead and go.

Tom Brady left us, and we're fine. We still got Matt Damon and a half-dozen Wahlbergs. We'll bounce back, even if we feel the way Bill Belichick looks. -Oh! That's so sad. Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Guys, we are right in the middle of the holiday season. Are you excited? [ Cheers and applause ] According to a survey, during the holidays, most dog owners buy a gift for their pet.

Yeah. And then there's the people that are too lazy to shop and just give their dog cash. [ Laughter ] Buying a gift for a dog is stressful. I mean, seriously, there's nothing more depressing than watching your dog open a present then fake wagging his tail. [ Laughter ]

You go, "Okay. He didn't like it. Okay." Let's get to some news. Today, President Biden hosted a ceremony on the South Lawn to sign a bill that mandates federal recognition for same-sex marriages. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.

When he heard, Mike Pence was like, "Barkeep, give me a shot of whole milk." [ Laughter ] "Just leave the whole carton." [ Laughter ] Yeah, the bill protects all marriages. Unless you're one of those couples who feed each other in public. Then you're on your own. [ Laughter ] I read that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner cut ties with former president Trump because he's "losing value" and they don't need him anymore. [ Laughter ] Trump's not even upset.

He's like, "The student has become the master." [ Laughter ] Things are so rough in the Trump family, even the royal family's like, "Yikes." [ Laughter ] Did you guys see this today? A bipartisan group of lawmakers announced a bill that would ban TikTok in the U.S.

-[ Person whistles ] [ Laughter ] Right now, gen Z is like, "We ride at dawn." [ Laughter ] Critics of TikTok worry that the app is giving American secrets to the Chinese government. Yeah, pretty scary. Apparently, China has already mastered the "Wednesday" dance. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, get this, a TikTok-famous plastic surgeon just had her medical license suspended after she was accused of botched surgeries. See, that's why I only use YouTube-famous plastic surgeons.

[ Laughter ] When asked for a comment, she said, "Look, I don't see them as botched surgeries. I look at them as cool filters." [ Laughter ] Well, guys, New York City is experiencing high levels of COVID, flu, and RSV in what health officials are calling a "tridemic." And Pfizer is promoting a new booster shot to protect against it. Check this out. -As cases continue to rise, experts recommend getting the latest boosters for COVID, the flu, and RSV. But as the holidays approach, we might not all have time for multiple appointments.

That's why we're introducing The Destroyer. Just one quick jab, and you're protected from... [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Wow, indeed! -Wow! Multiple injections. Oh, my goodness. Firecrotch, unbelievable. [ Laughter ] Hey, I want to say happy birthday to Bob Barker who just turned 99! [ Cheers and applause ] We love you, Bob.

You could tell he hosted "The Price is Right" 'cause that's the closest you can come to 100 without going over. [ Laughter ] Switching gears, Uber Eats released its annual Cravings Report, which revealed the hottest food-ordering trends of 2022. And the trends were pretty interesting. For example, more people requested celery juice on Wednesdays. -Oh. Man, see, I always ordered celery juice on Wednesday. -Yeah. On Friday, there's a spike in cannoli orders.

-Wow! I get cannolis, you know, every Friday, too. That's crazy. -Yeah, well, apparently, orders of ranch dressing went way down. -Ha! See, I didn't order any ranch this year. [ Laughter ] -And the big drink craze was a negroni sbagliato.

-Sbagliato, you say. Those are good. The only thing better is a margarita. It goes great with a steak.

[ Laughter ] -It makes sense. I mean, the most frequently paired food/drink combo was steak and margarita. -Huh. [ Ominous music plays ] Really? W-What about Saturdays? I got to be the only one who orders tater tots and says to hold the -- -Sour cream. [ Laughter ] Dammit. -W-What?

What's wrong, Tariq? -No, it -- it can't be. -What? W-- What is it? -No way, n-not me. -Say it. What is it, Tariq?

[ Dramatic music crescendos ] -I think I might be a basic bitch. [ Laughter ] [ Dramatic music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] [ Applause continues ] -Or you're a trendsetter. -Damn right I am! -Whew! I was worried for a second. Guys, I heard about -- a new study found that people who wake up with an alarm clock are more tired than people who wake up naturally. Another reason people who use an alarm clock are tired -- they have jobs.

[ Laughter ] This is wild. An Olive Garden manager was fired after sending the staff an aggressive warning about missing work. Listen to this. -The message from an Olive Garden manager in Kansas to employees. [ Laughter ] -Good news, though -- today, she was hired to be the head of H.R. at Twitter. [ Laughter and applause ] Good news.

Yeah, it all works out. ♪♪ We're very excited here, guys. Christmas is only 11 days away. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, last week, you went, "How much for shipping?" And now it's like, "$59.99 and my first born? Let's do this. Okay." [ Laughter ] Get this --I saw a new survey that said New Yorkers' least-favorite Christmas food is peppermint bark.

[ Laughter ] I like peppermint bark. [ Laughter ] I do. I especially like how the chocolate soothes the open wounds caused by the shards of candy cane. [Gravelly voice] "Merry Christmas." [Normal voice] The survey also found the most popular Christmas food is...

-Ritz crackers. -Ritz crackers? No. [ Laughter ] That's not Christmas food. Ritz crackers? I mean, it's a food, sure. It's like... Pigs in a blanket.

[ Audience oohs ] Jesus was like, "Thanks for keeping my birthday classy. Appreciate it." Pigs in a blanket.

Apparently on Christmas, people ask themselves, "What would Jesus' brother-in-law Randy do?" I read that right now -- I love -- By the way, I love pigs in a blanket. -I'm all for it. -I'm all for it, man. I read that right now the cost of ingredients for popular holiday desserts is surging. Thankfully, every family has that same blue tin of Danish butter cookies that's been floating around for 20 years. "We didn't finish these yet? How come no one's eating these square ones with no sugar on them?" [ Laughter ] Listen to this.

According to a poll, one-third of Americans start buying holiday gifts two months in advance. That's risky 'cause a lot can happen in two months. It's like, "Here's that Kanye sweatshirt you wanted." You go, "Hey. Wait. Hold on." [ Audience "Ohhs" ] "Put it in the box." ♪♪ Speaking of presents, this year, 75% of people said they plan to buy gifts from small businesses.

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Small businesses. When they heard that, Santa's elves were like, "One more short joke, and I'm gonna cut somebody!" And you go, "No, no. It's not a shor-- Small businesses." 75% of people want to shop at small businesses, which explains this ad I saw. -Oh, really? -This holiday season, support your local mom-and-pop shop -- Amazon! We know what you're thinking.

How does a "family business" have 800,000 employees? Easy. We're all cousins. That's not a warehouse. That's a family reunion. Get back to work, family. -Yeah. Aww. Mom-and-pop. [ Applause ] Well, let's get to some news.

President Biden has reportedly vented to allies over how much the media talks about his age. And at one point he even said, "You think I don't know how F'ing old I am?" [ Laughter ] This is a real thing. Yeah. His staff was like, "Of course you do, but just to be safe, toss out a number."

[ Laughter ] "Higher." Yeah. Biden was furious. It only got worse when his chief of staff said, "Well, he hasn't had his nap today, so..."

Biden was upset. He cursed. He ran up to his bedroom, slammed the door, cranked up Bing Crosby. "You don't know me!" [ Laughter ] Some more political news. Since announcing his 2024 run, former President Trump has been relatively quiet, but today he said that he's planning a major announcement and posted this video. This is real. We didn't make this. Take a look. [ Dramatic music swells ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Jimmy: "Major announcement."

[ Laughter ] "Major..." -God. -Is he announcing Dean Cain as his running mate? I don't know what he's -- I think the major announcement is that Trump has a lot of time on his hands. Okay. Right after that was released, Ron DeSantis' poll numbers shot up another 20 points.

Can we see that picture again? [ Laughter ] Oh, my goodness. Let's be real. If Trump tore his shirt open, we'd probably see five layers of Spanx. You know? [ Laughter ] Come on. [ Cheers and applause ] Switching gears, apparently the IRS has been contacting OnlyFans creators as part of a criminal tax investigation.

-Ooh. -The IRS actually said they're sending two agents at a time -- one to do the investigation and the other to make sure that the first guy is actually doing the investigation. [ Laughter ] Get this. Mark Zuckerberg is spending so much time and money on the Metaverse that employees are worried that he's going to destroy the company. Well, here to clear things up, live, via satellite, is Mark Zuckerberg. Mark?

-Hey, Jimmy. Don't mind me. Just gonna be chilling in the Metaverse while we do this interview. -Okay, sure. Mark, these are pretty serious allegations from your employees. How do you respond to them? -What you're hearing in the press is really overblown.

We're investing a lot in the Metaverse, sure, but don't worry. I'm giving it my full attention. [ Club whacks ball ] Ugh! Sliced it! -But your -- But your company lost $80 billion worth of stock value. Do you have any ideas on how to fix this? -Trust me, Jimmy. $80 billion is a drop in the bucket.

We'll gain it all right back. Cinnamon! Cinnamon, notice me! Notice me! Cinnamon! -"Cinnamon, notice..." -What?! -I think that's all the time we have. Mark Zuckerberg, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Okay. Take care, Jimmy. -Alright... Alright. Guys, I heard that the CEO of Taco Bell says gen Z wants to eat chicken instead of beef.

[ Cheers ] Then they added, "But it doesn't affect us 'cause what we serve is technically neither." [ Laughter ] You're all clear. Don't worry about it. Whatever you want. It's both.

That's how I remember. I had the lasagna. Yeah. Some more business news. Costco is planning to raise the price of their annual membership.

-Ooh. -[ Audience boos ] -Yeah, Costco is getting more expensive, and you can tell they're a little fancier now. Watch this ad I saw. -Welcome to ze new Costco. Ze home of elegance.

A seven-pound bucket of Nutella. Sophistication. Turtlenecks and batteries on the same aisle. And class.

Old people eating hot dogs. Costco. Like Walmart with a doorman. -That's... That's interesting, I thought. [ Cheers and applause ] -"Costco." -You guys -- Have you guys seen this? The newest trend being brought back in style is the lower-back tattoo.

[ Audience groans ] As we speak, a bunch of 40-year-old guys are like, "Maybe a calf tattoo of Calvin peeing isn't far behind?" Yep, lower-back tattoos are back. Well, now I think we know what Trump's big announcement is. Yeah. "Check out my Trump stamp." [ Applause ] ♪♪ You guys, we are just 10 days away from Christmas. [ Cheering and applause ] That's right, just 10 more days and 900 more e-mails from Amazon. [ Laughter ] Yeah, that's -- Let's get to some news.

Yesterday, former President Trump said that he was going to make a "major announcement," and today he did exactly that. And this is real. I'm not -- [ Laughter ] We did not make this. We've not -- We did not do this. This is a real thing. -Oh, boy. -Here is Trump's major announcement. This is --

[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Triumphant chorale plays ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] -Even the most diehard Trump supporters were like, "Okay, now I'm worried, okay? This is --" [ Laughter ] Even the MyPillow guy was going, "I think Trump's lost it, okay?" [ Laughter ] If you saw that at 2:00 am, would you be like, "Am I having an Ambien dream?" [ Laughter ] You know your campaign isn't going well when your re-election strategy is -- [ As Trump ] Maybe people will like me as a Pokémon. [ Laughter ] Trump was like -- [ As Trump ] These cards are like classified documents. You got to catch them all. [ Laughter ]

Well, get this -- today in Washington, a disciplinary council called for Rudy Giuliani to be disbarred. [ Cheers and applause ] Rudy was like -- Rudy was like -- [ As Giuliani ] Joke's on you. I never had a license to begin with. [ Laughter ] After the ruling, Rudy said, "Well, on to selling baseball cards, alright." [ Laughter and applause ] Well, here's some big news -- First Lady Jill Biden is reportedly now all-in on the idea of her husband running for a second term. I mean, after watching that Trump video, how could she not be? [ Laughter ] Some more news from Washington -- last night, the House passed a short-term government funding bill to avert a shutdown, yeah.

Here, check out what some members of the House had to say about it. First up, Congressman David Price said... [ Laughter and applause ] And Congressman Josh Harder said... [ Laughter ] Congressman Jeff Duncan said... [ Laughter and applause ] [ Rimshot ] I just -- [ Applause ] Then Congressman Ken Buck said... [ Laughter and applause ] Then Congressman Tom Cole said... [ Laughter and applause ] Then Congressman Virginia Foxx said...

[ Laughter and applause ] And finally, Congressman Dutch Ruppersberger said... [ Laughter and applause ] Everyone had -- Everyone but him. -Had their say. ♪♪ Did you see this? This is this is real, as well. Did you see this? TLC just announced a new reality dating show called "MILF Manor."

[ Laughter ] -Ugh! -It features eight women, eight younger men, and one shocking twist. Yeah, I think the shocking twist is that TLC used to stand for The Learning Channel. [ Laughter ] -[ Claps ] -Actually, the shocking twist is that it's hosted by Mike Pence. [ Laughter ] -Really? -Well, I saw that several TikTok users have been posting their own Tinder Wrapped, okay? Where they wrap up their year of dating.

Yeah, and a lot of them were very similar, so, since it's the holidays, I'll sum them all up in the most festive way possible. Here we go. [ Cheering and applause ] [ "The Twelve Days of Christmas" plays ] [ Bells jingling ] ♪ In the last day of Tinder ♪ ♪ My love life gave to me ♪ [ Cheering and applause ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -[ Joins in singing ] What a year. ♪♪ Thank you very much.

[ Cheering and applause ] Thank you very much. Thanks, Steph. Guys, I read a new survey that said the most stressful place to be during the holidays is the mall. -Hm. -It's so stressful, shoppers are walking up to mall Santas like, "Let me get a swig of that." ♪♪ I'm in a great mood because we're right in the middle of the holiday season.

Christmas is almost here. [ Cheers and applause ] And Hanukkah starts on Sunday. That's right. [ Cheers and applause ] Hanukkah is celebrated for eight nights, so the next time you complain about your relatives at Christmas, times that by eight. [ Laughter ] Of course, people are still shopping for presents, and I heard that, this year, one of the most unwanted gifts is beauty products.

That makes sense. You can't hand someone a bag of make-up like, "I thought you needed this." [ Laughter ] Well, in a recent survey, for the second year in a row, New Hampshire ranked as the state with the most Christmas spirit. [ Scattered cheers ] Vermont was like, "Excuse me. We have the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Hello." [ Laughter and applause ] I mean, come on. [ Cheers and applause ] Let's get to some news. Last night, several high-profile journalists who have been covering Elon Musk had their Twitter accounts suspended. Elon said the journalists were using social media to keep track of what he's doing, or as that's also known, social media. [ Laughter ] I have a feeling that, right after Christmas, we're gonna see Elon Musk in line trying to return Twitter.

[ Laughter ] It's a big weekend for sports, 'cause this Sunday is the World Cup final between Argentina and France. Argentina and France. Of course, my bracket's already busted. I had England and Gonzaga in the final. [ Laughter ] Yep, Argentina versus France.

At first, I wasn't sure what was at stake, but then someone told me it's like "Evita" versus "Les Mis." And I was like, "Oh, I get it." [ Laughter ] The final will be played on Sunday at 10:00 a.m., so if you want to know why soccer isn't more popular in America, there's your answer. [ Laughter ] Well, everyone's talking about this. 13 years after the original, "Avatar: The Way of Water" has finally hit theaters.

Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] This is wild. The movie has a run time of 3 hours and 12 minutes. [ Audience "Oohs" ] That's not a movie, that's a flight. [ Laughter ] Even Hanukkah is like, "Whoa. How long we doing this?" [ Laughter ] If this was on Netflix, the "Are you still watching?" thing would pop up 48 times. [ Laughter ]

"Yeah, I'm still watching." I read that, this weekend, screenings of "Avatar: The Way of Water" are selling out all across the country, especially at IMAX theaters. And I think I know why. Check out this ad I just saw. -You've never seen anything like the underwater world of Pandora. And in honor of "Avatar: The Way of Water," IMAX has something else you've never seen before. Introducing FLYMAX, the first large-format urinal, designed to handle your stream after a 44-ounce Icee and a 3-hour movie about water.

Just zip and let 'er rip as a cascade of blue liquid take yours urine on the adventure of a lifetime. -Whoo! FLYMAX, by IMAX. Putting the "Aaa" in "Avatar."

[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah, that makes sense. [ Applause ] Some business news -- for the next three days, Starbucks union members will strike at 100 locations. Yep, on the other hand, that means the other 40,000 Starbucks will still be open for business. [ Laughter ] Did you guys see this? A Panera customer went viral on TikTok after she discovered that the chain's Charged Lemonade drink contains more caffeine than four espressos. [ Audience "Oohs" ] Panera was like, "Well, you're gonna to need it after eating a mac-and-cheese bread bowl."

[ Laughter ] After a few sips, she was like, "Do you also hear EDM music? Oh, never mind. That's just my heart." ♪ En, en, en, en ♪

2022-12-19 22:55

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