PRO POSTAL: BRAIN DAMAGED
[MIKEJ] *fart* [MIKEJ] *fart* [MIKEJ] *Super Mario Bros. 3 Water Land Theme* *TV buzzing* [POSTAL DUDE] This can't be good for me… but yeah, it really is. *Map Muzak* *Map Muzak distorted* *TV buzzing* [CIVVIE] So it's come to this.
A Postal-flavored goon-boot. Running With Scissors outsourced a game to someplace else and instead of it being the most embarrassing Postal game, a very high bar, I say, as a Postal expert. Dear god, what am I doing with my life? It is easily, without question, the least embarrassing Postal game. The least broken, by a country mile, and that country is Poland, home of developer Hyperstrange, the people behind such games as Elderborn, which I've played, and I suck at, very badly, Blood West, and now Postal: Brain Damaged.
Featuring the voice talents of Corey Cruise, returning here to voice the Postal Dude in a good game, the man deserves it, if you ask me. I was gonna be lazy and throw this into the rundown because "Come on, Civvie, another Postal video?" I might as well be feeding arsenic pancakes to the algorithm, personally going to Susan Wojcicki's orbital influence platform and pissing on her foot, having all of this Postal, and this one? While… marginally less juvenile than previous Postal titles, it makes up for it by being legitimately disturbing, like this is the first Postal entry that I feel has something tonally in common with the first game, because it gets weird. Before I get a big head about this and start thinking that I'm something other than some asshole on the internet talking about video games, No, I'm an influencer, a professional video game review man. My word should be taken seriously on all matters of game design, a thing I've never done and don't have the necessary skills to accomplish, and this channel is not a program run by the government to exploit free labor and online influence in order to glorify the past and foster reactionary thought among the populace, keep you all asleep, while they take everything from you, and the newly constructed 6G network to turn your children against you, the Floss was a defensive maneuver developed by the Chinese government for their special operations- [SPEAKER] Code Orange, level 105. [CIVVIE] Nooooo! THEY HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THE FLOSSING! NO! AHHHH!!!!! [MIKEJ] You're about to enter another dimension. [CIVVIE] Fuck off, MikeJ.
[MIKEJ] *fart* [CIVVIE] I said marginally less juvenile. [MIKEJ] *splurt* [MIKEJ] [POSTAL DUDE] [CIVVIE] By that, he means that the Dude fell asleep watching TV, so… [POSTAL DUDE] [CIVVIE] Oh, I get it, I've seen: and… Postal is the best one, which is… [UWE BOLL playing himself] I get a little horny on here on stage sometimes, if I see a crowd and all the children. [BOB] Are you fucking kidding me? [CIVVIE] I've probably spent 72 hours of my life watching Uwe Boll movies, which is a revelation as painful as getting a terminal diagnosis. [POSTAL DUDE] I don't see why this couldn't be adapted into an Adult Swim show.
They'd have to bleep every other word but it's not any weirder than the later seasons of Aqua Something You Know Whatever. This game is fucking shit until you get out of the house. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. It's kind of boring until it opens up like 2 minutes in.
It will teach you a couple important things. I'm gonna say, right now, that Brain Damaged has my favorite arsenal in any Postal game, starting right here, with this wonderful, beautiful love-child of a shovel and a chainsaw. Click swings, holding down the button saws, secondary blocks and reflects, and in combination with your other weapons and abilities, it never becomes obsolete. You will always use it. This is true of most of the weapons.
7. Reflect projectiles with your kick That one I'm not so good at, I can't ever get the timing down, and with the low-tier enemies, it doesn't matter because: [POSTAL DUDE] Is this gun smarter than me? A few of the weapons in this game have been shamelessly lifted from other games. Okay, there's a little hint of shame, and if they didn't work right I'd be very upset. But they do.
Another starting weapon that stays relevant through the whole game. It's basically your sniper rifle for a while, and most early enemies go down in 1-3 hits from it. Head-shots do matter.
It's why these shotgun-toting geriatrics don't get their projectiles reflected back at them most of the time: The smart pistol is just faster. Yeah, the enemies are kinda dumb. It's still a Postal game. Now that the basics are out of the way, the game lets you out into the open in The Suburbs, a level you may have seen before because it was in the demo like a year ago. Things have changed a bit. I remember saying that it was too open because you could go into all of the houses and all of them were the same so it was a waste of time, and while that might be true of actual houses in the suburbs, Hyperstrange listened, and now a lot of those houses are boarded up and the ones that aren't are… sometimes interesting.
This house is full of hoarded toilet paper so it's definitely MikeJ's place. It is a little weird to set a Postal game inside The Milkman Conspiracy instead of Arizona. There's the cat house. Cats aren't silencers in this game.
Like the other harmless NPCs, they drop health pickups in the form of Walmart… uh, sorry, Wallmarkt bags… it's difficult to see them because of all the blood. But that's one health and one armor, and I'm playing on Hard, so I need that. So anyway: Some of the enemies will drop health and armor for you too, these Burger Boys, read up on your enemies in the codex, you won't be disappointed, drop their burgers and shakes and you can pick them up for health and armor. Now I gotta get into the movement you're seeing here because it might be a little confusing if I don't explain what is going on now, you can bunny hop really, really easily in Postal: Brain Damaged. By design. You do it automatically if you hold down the space bar. You still need to Quake-it-up to reach ludicrous speed… but I find it a little restricting, so I spend most of this game slide jumping.
The slide is what you put in your game when you don't want a dash. So use it like a dash. I consider slide-jumping around in this game to be the replacement for sprinting. And it's fun! The end of the cul-de-sac has these three Burger Boys, right before you go into this house and get the best weapon for dealing with them, the Doom Eternal shotgun. No, it says so in the codex, look: [reading] Nope, not really. [reading] I know which one they mean but "guy in a helmet" is still a little vague.
Before you get in here to get this shotgun, you'll run into the reason I shoot every doghouse I see in this game. Not just the Golden Retriever enemies from before, this is… "Golden Retriever but meaner". It is meaner. A lot meaner. These things will fuck you up if you can't dodge them, they've got significantly more health than anything you've faced yet, and they have a fake-out death before coming back at you again. This is why we slide. Also to get house secrets.
[POSTAL DUDE] Those moronic developers thought they could hide this from me?! [CIVVIE] If you don't notice dated cultural references in this game, wait six months and play it again. That's Postal, baby! I'm not even sure that's the biggest dildo we see in this game. It's certainly not the last! None of the levels after The Suburbs are anywhere near as open.
This is a playground that lets you shotgun-hook, fire-piss, ice piss, and NPC murder to your heart's content. You'll also encounter Wizards here, higher-poly Dusk wizards with homing projectiles, less Duke-boys, and more… uhh… well think of those Duke boys except instead of pledging celibacy for Nyarlathotep, they're naturally maiden-less. Ice-ta-la-vista, baby! You know what, I'm just gonna shock myself for that one.
*button clicks, shock charges* So far this game is kinda weird, but really fun, really well-oiled, movement and shooting feels great, visual design is clear and it runs pretty good. The art style is a little different with its weird angles and such, but I'm shocked they pulled it off anyway. The story is… [THE OTHER DUDE] So long, dearie! [POSTAL DUDE] Hey, where you going with that? [CIVVIE] The Dude from Earth 69 stole our TV! Nobody steals our TV and lives! Yeah, so I've unilaterally decided that there's a Postal Multiverse, and since that was Rick Hunter, that's Dude from Earth 69, which is Postal 2 earth, because get it 69? Postal 1 Dude is Earth 1 dude, Postal 2 dude is Earth 69 dude, and this is Corey Cruise, this is Postal 3 Corey Cruise? But I'm going to say that his earth was one that lost against Thanos, and Thanos was right, and I'd also like to point out that the quest for a missing TV is the plot of Beavis and Butthead Do America, which now also has a multiverse, but unlike that one, The Dude scores in almost all of his universes, even in this one, possibly. But it's really weird.
So you get to your TV and… Oh, no, they've got me now. And they're gonna fry my ass! Probably literally, from what I know about this game. *funky music* *bip bip* [POSTAL DUDE] Damn, I'm handsome! [CIVVIE] Ah, prison, home sweet home, I'd rather be in prison than the suburbs if I'm being honest, people who live in the suburbs are only slightly less insane than how this game presents them. It's a prisoner with a bag over his head! It's like me when I get to have sex! I'm conflicted here because obviously we escape into a sewer… *zombie sound* …but also we get our first crack pipe. It has virtually the same effects as always, minus the withdrawal, because it's dream crack, and because this game has a semblance of balance to it, you don't find hundreds of them.
Time for some body horror though, courtesy of Arseface, described in the codex as "that's shit coming out of its mouth." It's spewing shit at me, inside a sewer pipe, it's like being trapped in an Angry Video Game Nerd episode. Among the other horrors you'll find in this section, you've got the cheer killer, prison guards, drummer monkeys that spawn smaller monkeys, and you have to kill the big guys or else the small guys spawn indefinitely, and my very least favorite enemy in this game, The Goliath. This is an enemy straight out of a horror game, there's no jokes, just… pain. A single blast from the shotgun will stop their attack but when they do hit you, it's like half your health, right off the top, they're always a threat. We escaped prison into the sewer so we could get back into prison.
But we're not alone. We found a lightning gun. The Brain Fucker Gun 69000… [reading] A normal person doesn't know what that means.
The secondary is a lightning ball, the primary is regular lightning, and deep, lost Unreal Tournament memories unlocked in my brain. You'll also get the Nailbiter, your rapid-fire machine gun stand-in and localized time-stopping device. I didn't use the time grenades much they're very, very situational, and it's not my favorite weapon but it's good, it works. Now, you might think after The Suburbs that the levels will be super open. They are not. They are fairly linear with arenas and key hunts in them, which is fine, and they're often visually striking and really cool, and we haven't even gotten to the asylum yet.
The game's MO was never to be a true classic Groot stool, but an arena shooter, and the game is going to go hard on you starting in this prison level. You see the arena from your cell at the start and it takes a while to get back there. But then… It gets brutal. Good. This is gonna be what you're dealing with going forward for the most part. And it comes together very nicely.
Strategically, Burger Boys aren't just aerial pests, they're shotgun hook targets to help you get around the arena better, along with the glowing rings that are shotgun hook targets to get you around the arena better. Flying, teleporting, and- OH GODDAMMIT! This is the point of the game where you'll know if you enjoy it or not. Everything comes together, and all the weird shit that didn't make sense in terms of gameplay, not content, like world objects having physics but being able to push them around easily so they don't slow you down. That's another difference between this and other Postal titles, physics objects don't crash the game. Guys, if you want your game to run well and be good, just put it on Unreal, or, if you're Postal, just put it on Unity.
That solves everything, right? To escape prison, you crawl into another sewer pipe, And escape to Mexico. It's a dream, don't question it. Fine level, introduces jumping beans, pistolero motherfuckers, guns akimbo, and snipers, but like any good game, it gives you a sniper weapon too. The finest weapon this game has to offer, among an arsenal that's pretty fucking good already.
My personal favorite, and maybe my favorite weapon ever in a Postal game. Possibly in my top 10. In any game. Sure, it's a matter of personal opinion… *funky music* [POSTAL DUDE] I shoot dicks for a living. [CIVVIE] This weapon is so good that I wanna have sex with it, and that's theoretically possible. So let's say you're making your game, and it's a Postal game so it has to be a little greasy, or else it won't fit, so you're like "I know! Dildos!" But Steve, we already have like thousands of dildos in this game, and Saints Row already had you beat people with giant dildos! Okay, okay, fine, a gun that shoots dildos… no, the dildos have to be BIGGER, like arrows, so like a compound bow that shoots dildos, and since we're not totally ripping off Saints Row yet we're also going to call it "The Penetrator."
There are some weapons in video games that are, if not perfect, than as close to perfect as flawed humans can produce. Your Doom 2 Super Shotgun, Quake's Rocket Launcher, the MP40 in Return To Castle Wolfenstein… a weapon that is perfect for its time and place, the right tool in the right hands. This dildo bow is the most satisfying of weapons, engineered with the kind of care and thought that Running With Scissors should have noticed long before this was published and murdered in the crib.
The feedback and sound cues when you pull an arrow all the way back, the railgun-like rainbow trail when it fires, the red mist an enemy leaves behind, the bouncing rubber as another dildo arrow is knocked back, My point is that this gun fucks! *war drum music* Storming the great wall of Mexico, a feature of Earth 69, or Earth Prime, I don't know anymore, I think I'm on Earth 26, and I haven't looked outside lately, the government build a 110-story underground black site so a 2000 mile wall is in the cards. Once you're inside, the level is called "Bigger on the Inside" because it's like that show, the one with the guy who lives in a tiny box that's surprisingly big on the inside and he doesn't like killing people and he's usually hanging around with a hot girl or an old guy, and he's been disowned by his people but he routinely helps them out anyway, it's a show with Bruce Campbell in it, it's called Burn Notice. This level isn't terribly interesting in terms of design but it throws a bunch of new shit at you. The last level did give you a rocket launcher, but it's not a dildo bow so I'm mentioning it now.
It fires rockets and the secondary fires the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, [H4MM3R] NO PYTHON. [CIVVIE] yes, I know… We are really understaffed down here. *button clicks, shock charges* We meet another horrifying thing, the Crawler, which… I thought 3D Realms had some weird psycho-sexual issues. This game is like a Giger painting with a piss filter. And my boy here, Mr. Toot. We'll see much more of him later. He's a goddamn tank with nasty projectiles.
I'm starting to think that this is the Postal Dude's deeply-buried guilt over murdering so many marching bands. But it's not mine, fuck 'em. Wall goes into sewer.
*zombie sound* Sewer goes towards the top of the wall, with a quick stop to pick up the Gun Goes BRRRR, but I can't remember what it's originally from, it's a minigun with a secondary that has a tracker for homing bullets so we'll just say Ultrakill until someone points out another in the comments though it's more Serious Samm-y in its execution here because as soon as you've got it, the horde's a-coming! *Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme* You drop into the desert again for the final confrontation. Tear through the Black Friday crowd to face the boss… [KAREN] My name is Karen! Get me the manager RIGHT NOW! [CIVVIE] If you've ever worked in customer service, this is the most terrifying monster in the game, and the least funny, and if you haven't worked customer service it's just the least funny.
It's nice that the guns akimbo power-up also gives you infinite ammo. Very thoughtful of Hyperstrange. This is a cool arena that feels a little wasted on this battle, which seems a little small for it, but still, fun, let's grab our TV and go. [POSTAL DUDE] Maybe, maybe if I fall asleep right now, I'll wake up in the real world, and finally be watching some of that German boxing guy's movies. Yeah, that seems perrrrfectly logical.
Only… only my weapon understands me. [WEAPON] Oh yes I do… [CIVVIE] OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD NO! This is an important plot development. No, I'm not kidding! [POSTAL DUDE] Jesus, now I'm gonna shit myself. But I'd better find some TP first.
*medieval piano music* I need to find a toilet. And some paper. [CIVVIE] We're in an asylum and our weapons were taken away.
This truly is a new episode in this confusing, filthy saga. Since you have no weapons, you're stuck with your kicks, so the game gives you some Vitamin X to go berserk with. It's not the worst way to introduce a new power-up. You might have noticed that the enemy variety in this game is extreme. All sorts of new asylum inhabitants, Lobotomized Creeps, Tin Foiled, all low-to-mid level enemies that have melee and projectiles to dodge, and while they're not that different from some of the other enemies, a bit faster and deadlier, they're nice set-dressing for the asylum maps, which take the weirdness to American McGee levels.
Enemies that are very different and unique… Farty pants… The vaccinated might be your worst enemy in this section because if they are anywhere near the much tankier 5G towers, which are unsettling by themselves, they get buffed. These things, Nurse Mancubussy, doesn't do what you'd think… okay maybe she does but she also resurrects enemies. Like the 5G towers, a high priority target. Speaking of Doom shit… Clown Elementals. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM! Do I even have to explain what they do? Are you afraid of clowns? These are disgusting clown heads that shoot out other disgusting clown heads that explode.
There's always a couple little clown heads left after a battle. Props to Hyperstrange for their art direction on this stuff, this pulsating mass of makeup and FPS original sin. And all of these enemies are visually distinct and readable. There are, by my count, 32 unique common non-boss enemies in this game. The Asylum maps get weird and surreal, more so than the rest of the game, culminating in an arena inside of a void, where you can get a ride on a train and it's important to understand, while you're having fun with a game, that you're not noticing how un-jank it is, you don't notice when everything goes right, and while playing Postal: Brain Damaged, on that first day of capturing footage, I was into it, I didn't want to stop playing, but contrary to many beliefs about YouTubers, we do still require sleep. But I wanted more.
I wanted more of this, it was an addictingly wonderful thing, the most fun I've had with Postal since the old days. The combat gets more dynamic, more challenging, almost completely due to the GODDAMN ILLUMINATI! Deadly lasers, pop their heads as soon as humanly possible. The Dude continues on his quest for toilet paper outside of the Asylum, and, wouldn't you believe it, things get weirder.
We've got Illuminati towers, lizard men, and aliens. The acrobatic, projectile-spamming little bastards are the worst of the low-tier enemies, and their disguises don't do shit because this is a game where I shoot anything, it's not like in Postal 2 where there are innocent NPCs… no wait that comparison doesn't work… it's not like in Fallout where… oh… no… AREA 69, is this a Redneck Rampage game? So, the thing about the fire and liquid nitrogen piss that I absolutely hate is the screen overlay, because this isn't a timed power-up, this is a thing you have to piss out, like a kidney stone. This is why I've got the Nora Fries treatment on this Pussy Blower footage, our final weapon for the game, the only one in the game that I'm kinda iffy about.
It shoots like a cat shotgun, you can suck the cats back up, I'm all for the animal abuse but it feels a little awkward to me. This whole section is more reminiscent of your late 90's-early 2000's Half-Life style games inside of secret government bases and such, and when people tell you that the United States political divide is too great and that our differences are insurmountable, I want you to show them this: that's a lizard man, a grey alien, and a MAGA boomer in line for the shitter. Remember kids; everybody poops. Okay, that probably doesn't work as a positive message because I murder them all with a shotgun.
Every episode needs a big battle in a tall, cylindrical room, and trust me, you do not want to rush into this. Level by level, top to bottom, clear it out, and you'll do fine. Oh, and the slow-mo power-up. If there's anything that Postal is about, it's about doing drugs with little to no negative side effects. NO negative side effects in this game.
I was missing the more creative level designs from before, it's been some very playable and well-designed but plain arenas for a while, so get ready for some more surreal shit! That's right, kids, the house from the beginning wasn't real! It was the DEEP STATE! THE DEEP DREAM STATE! No? Okay, guess I'll take care of this one too. *presses button, receives shock* Bouncing around backstage and smart-gunning aliens, crouch-sliding around, mmm… But also the doghouses are back, the dog-house backed dogs are back, the dogs with the doghouses on their back… have returned. And the FUCKING ILLUMINATI! WE'RE BREAKING THE CONDITIONING, WE'RE GONNA SHOOT DILDOS INTO YOUR FACES, NEW WORLD ORDER! You know what, this is getting too topical, too political, I don't need that kind of stress, it's not why I play video games. [reading] Yep, that's the coronavirus. It's okay, I never expected this video to get monetized, but if YouTube's gonna hit it with the yellow dollar sign over this and not… you know… [POSTAL DUDE] What was this game rated again? [CIVVIE] Come on, Susan! Maybe don't wear open-toed shoes, huh? Lil' Ronnie can fuck right off, not just for killing a bunch of people, but for NO-CLIPPING TO GET AT ME.
NO. NO! I mean, they call it Lil' Ronnie, so it's not like it's explicit, like they're not beating you over the head with it. *Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme* [COVID] You can't hurt me. [CIVVIE] Well… this one gave me trouble at first because I kept falling down but then I died once and got the hang of it. Keep moving up, shooting it in the eye, and BAM, pandemic over, time for some sweet, sweet butt tape.
[MIKEJ] After defeating the dreaded coronavirus, you eagerly embarked on another adventure. Far below the dungeons deep and caverns old, but that was not the end of your nightmare, oh no! You had to travel inwards, into the spiraling madness. Here among these furry halls… [CIVVIE] Okay, okay, that's enough of that, I'll let you guys know what's happening without seeing… Is that a fat Doomguy cosplayer banging a blood-soaked anthropomorphic wolf chick? Yeah, that is what that is. *new wave music* This time you've ended up at a convention… [MIKEJ] - …lies the climax of your destiny! [CIVVIE] - NO! I CAN'T SHOW THAT! [MIKEJ] And what is it, you may ask? An autograph from the world renowned tech mogul, philanthropist business magnate and occasional pothead who is adored by all, but adores no one in return. After you obtain it, a mighty blessing will be bestowed upon your RV… a shitload of health pipes! [CIVVIE] Okay, I'm in.
[MIKEJ] And a cheap, unreliable electric motor. [CIVVIE] Not gonna defend Tesla here but can you point to one instance in the entirety of the Postal franchise where The Dude's car was either functional or not stolen. So you're at the convention, getting ripped apart by furry wolves that are making me very confused. Is shooting them with cats furry-on-furry violence or simply the natural evolution of cats versus dogs? We're still hurting for weapons and ammo because the game took away all your weapons again. Grab the Nailbiter quick and… [POSTAL DUDE] Time to polish them nails! *zombie sound* Xenomorph cosplayers, dominatrixes, kaiju cosplayers, cybertruck jokes that are aging so quickly that they're turning to dust before my eyes, another enemy with a laser, this is it, the final gauntlet of Postal: Brain Damaged. The convention center floor is a bloodbath, even Mr. Toot is back!
Hm. It seems like the chronotons inside of the time bubble have not only prevented Mr. Toot from dying… he is no longer attacking me. Fascinating. Hey, Mr. Toot. You wanna… help out maybe? No? People say the Illuminati are bad but have you ever seen a convention center bathroom this clean? You have the power to end this, Mr. Toot!
MR. TOOOOOOOOOT! Behind the convention center floor is the VIP lounge, where there are a lot more dominatrixes, this is my kind of party. The dominatrixes are the elite soldiers. Tough, agile, fit for protecting an insane billionaire who apparently runs a furry convention that Hyperstrange shows off all their games at.
What is this satirizing? Sorry, I didn't wait for him to finish, what was that? [LEON DUSK] Prepare my rocket! [CIVVIE] Oh… uhhhh… well, two things, 1. that voice isn't fooling anyone, and 2. he said rocket! And we've gotta go after him… you know what that means! We're going to- Awwww… damn it, I left the Tim Curry clip in the vault. Not just space… a space train! A vehicle level… IN SPACE! I never thought I'd see Postal go to space because there's nobody to murder up there so… I wonder what slide-hopping is like in Zero-G. *farting hard* Yes, that's exactly what I expected.
I think they made this game specifically for me because you crash the train, you dick around in Zero-G in the turned-over train, and then… the DUSK STAR, which I feel is kind of a clumsy Star Wars reference, you know, like there could have been a little more work put into the… *farting hard over a rip-off of Star Wars music* You know what, the Star Wars aesthetics are done okay. Good fights in this, like the beginning hangar battle, and that's probably the biggest one before the final fight, where it is revealed… hold on to your butts for this… it's revealed that Leon Dusk, a man who sounds exactly like Rick Hunter… [LEON DUSK] Witness my true and not even my final form! [CIVVIE] MEMES! But… wait a minute, Leon Dusk, who is dressed exactly like Dusk Dude, is actually Dude from Earth 69… [LEON DUSK/THE OTHER DUDE] Now that's a fine plot twist! Who does the same pre-final-boss fight from Dusk, which would be very challenging if I hadn't saved my power-ups for a boss fight. Which I did. [THE OTHER DUDE] This is not the end of me! [CIVVIE] Oh yeah? Are you telling me that this giant robot doesn't have a single titty, dick, dildo, piece of poop, or butt cheeks on it? Really? Disappointing, 0/10.
Jump around, shoot his weak points, avoiding his attacks is easy, except for these damn scissors. Oh, scissors, I get it! I think that deserves some crotch-shooting. So I go up and it doesn't let me shoot him in the face which kinda blows but I guess I wouldn't be able to do that since the last cutscene requires that I don't.
Yeah, bullshit. [THE OTHER DUDE] [CIVVIE] MEMES! [THE OTHER DUDE] *applause* [POSTAL DUDE] [CIVVIE] WHY NOT?! [POSTAL DUDE] [POSTAL DUDE] [CIVVIE] I have been thoroughly entertained, disgusted, horrified, psychologically violated, and that's all I can ask from a Postal game. Hey, Running With Scissors, next time you make a Postal game, or even the one you're still working on, Dildo Bow. Do it.