Nathan For You's Most Twisted Business Ideas: Kids Edition
- Good evening. We're coming to you from the historic Elysian Park in Los Angeles, California. Now, every week on my show, I challenge people to take big risks, but some have been critical that I never take risks myself. Well, tonight that's all gonna change.
Over the past month, I've been learning how to pick the lock on these police-grade handcuffs. Why, you ask? Because tonight I'm gonna take a bigger risk than anyone has ever taken on television before. In just a few moments, I'm gonna be handcuffed to this solid steel frame, and I'll have exactly 90 seconds to free myself before the claw on this robotic arm undoes my pants, exposing me to an audience of children. If that happens, an LAPD officer is standing by to arrest me for indecent exposure. We've all seen escape artists risk death before, but tonight, I'm going to risk something even worse, becoming a registered sex offender for life.
This is Nathan for You. Firstly, I'm not an escape artist. And though I have some experience doing magic as a teenager.
There is nothing in the bag. Right? - Yeah. - [Nathan] The bag is completely empty. You can see right through.
I quit performing years ago, and have never done an escape before. So I booked a training session with Escape Master, Mark Pascal, so I could learn how to pick the locks on a pair of cuffs. (Nathan applauds) How do I escape from handcuffs? - A shim. If you have a shim, you can- - Was that a hair clip? - This is a hair clip, but it's adapted a little bit. You get in there, then push, then you get out. - Right.
Even after he taught me, it took me over 30 minutes to pick the lock. I had a lot of work ahead of me to get my time down to 90 seconds. And after some practicing, I told Mark my idea for the escape.
To have two stage hands pulling down my pants with ropes, exposing me to the public. And since Mark was clearly an expert on this stuff, I was hoping to have him as an official advisor on the escape. I mean, what do you think? - I don't know.
It's moving a little bit outta my field. - I guess I could say you're a consultant on the escape? (Mark deeply exhales) - I don't know. I'll have to get back to you. - Would you want that? - I'll have to get back to you on it.
I'll have to think on it. - We'll just credit you as a consultant on the escape. - I appreciate that. - We'll just give it to you. - Appreciate that- - [Nathan] It's done. It's as good as done.
- I appreciate it, but what I'm saying is, I will get back to you. - [Nathan] You'll get back to me about the credit? - Yeah. - Well, we'll just put it in anyways. We'll put it in the credits of the show.
I never heard back from Mark, but at least I knew how to pick handcuffs. What I didn't know was the legal requirement for becoming a sex offender. So I found an actual California judge that would agree to advise me on the escape, on camera, the Honorable Anthony Filosa. So if I don't escape in 90 seconds, I'll be exposed to some people.
- What are some people? - Just like adults or something? I don't know. - Children, adults? - Is children better? - Interesting question. Both can be offended. More likely children, in so far is that, it's offensive, period.
- So you're saying it's better to use children? - I don't really think it's my place to suggest it. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, I really don't. - [Nathan] I took the judge's suggestion that I should expose myself to children, and on top of that, he was a treasure trove of information on how to become a sex offender. - There would have to be the element of willfulness proven. - So would it help if right before I did it, I said, "I'm doing this on purpose to expose myself"? - Well, you just abandon any precaution.
"You know, folks, something could happen. You know, if it does, so what?" Something like that. - So it's like, "You know, if this goes wrong, I don't really care."
- "Too bad 'cause I- - "Too bad. I'm gonna get off. It's gonna make me horny." - Well, whatever. - [Nathan] The most troubling thing I learned from him though, was that if anyone helped me pull my pants down, they could go to jail, too. - That person is as guilty as you are.
- So I can't have any helpers? - Right. - [Nathan] I didn't wanna put anyone at risk, besides myself. So if no human could do it, I was gonna have to use a robot. And the search took months, with everyone from US Defense companies to NASA, telling us the technology didn't exist to have a robot pull down someone's pants.
But I didn't give up. And eventually I found a company that said they could do it. - So this is it.
This is a Kuka Robotics KR15-2. - [Nathan] After John showed me the robot, I explained to him specifically what I needed it to do. Then once the pants are down, I want it to come up here, hook onto the boxers, and pull those down.
John suggested making custom designed pants with loops that would make it easier for the robot to remove them. So I hired a tailor to make the pants to John's specifications, and over the week they were being made, he informally became my practice partner. I borrowed a pair of his underwear so he could pull down my pants all the way without seeing my penis. - 90.
- [Nathan] The pants being taken off was definitely distracting, but I was getting closer to my 90 second goal. Time. Time. Stop it. What do I got? - You got 150. - [Nathan] And after getting an hour or so of training in, the completed pants were packaged up and delivered to Reel FX so the robot could begin being programmed. My concerns were heightened when I returned to Reel FX to find the robot acting unpredictably.
To make matters worse, I found out that the robot whose precision would determine my fate ran on Windows 95. You gotta be kidding me. My parents threw out their computer that ran Windows 95 like seven years ago, because MineSweeper wasn't working properly. - It's okay. - Honestly, like my life, like this is moving within millimeters of my body. I was mainly concerned because on the day of the escape, John would have to step away from the controls and let the program run automatically.
But he assured me the software would work. So the robot was transported to Elysian Park, where a crew of over 50 people worked for two straight days to prepare for tonight's historic stunt. - [Commentator] This is it. The stage is set.
Nathan has 90 seconds to free himself from those cuffs and hit that red button to his right. The button is a kill switch. It is the only thing that can stop the programmed motion of the robot from taking off Nathan's pants in front of these kids. And now he will deliver the line given to him by Judge Filosa. - Something might happen here, and if it does, so what? - [Commentator] And with that, he has established willful intent. So if he exposes himself tonight in the eyes of the law, it will not be considered an accident.
- Ready. (suspenseful tones) - [Commentator] And the 90 second clock has started. There's the robot. Nathan appears as though he has pulled a pick from his hair, and that's what he's working on those handcuffs with.
But we are 80 seconds away from a lifetime of scorn for Nathan. (suspenseful music) Now the robot going to that fly. The fly is down. And while he's working on the handcuffs, the robot continues to work on the pants. (suspenseful music) Loop on the button now. We're under 60 seconds, and the robot is almost halfway home.
You see, he's exposed a fifth loop on the underpants. The kids are laughing, but I can assure you, Nathan is not. Under 50 seconds, and he's dropped the pick.
Did it catch? It looks like it's caught on his clothing, and now he's trying to retrieve it, and he's got it. Got it with his- What a close call, as he retrieves the pick with his tongue. Had that fallen to the ground, it would've been all over.
And next is gonna be the loop on his right hip. This is getting tight here. The robot now has both pant legs down, is about to secure the loop on the underpants, and Nathan's still working on those cuffs.
We are just 20 seconds away. Nathan, working those handcuffs. It looks like with the pants down, the robot's going for that underwear loop. Nathan has not broken free.
We're under 10 seconds. The robot is pulling down. We have just a couple seconds left.
Oh, no. We are seeing pubic hair, but he has escaped. Nathan Fielder has managed to escape, and save himself from a lifetime of shame. - [Nathan] This is Mark Rappaport, owner of Marky Sparky Toys. And of all the products he's invented, one stands out as the absolute worst. The ""Doink It"" is a strange ball that doesn't do much.
And unfortunately for Mark, it hasn't been the biggest seller either. - It's not all fun. It's all fun and games until nobody buys your toys. (Mark laughs) - [Nathan] But as far as I'm concerned, the quality of the toy shouldn't matter when you're selling to kids.
So I paid Mark a visit with a way to to get those "Doink Its" sold. When you're a kid, what's the one thing you want more than anything? - Power. - No. To not be seen as a baby. It's very easy to market to kids because their brains are so small.
So rather than selling a ball, Mark should be selling an identity for children. That identity that owning a "Doink It" is the only way to prove you're not a baby. - No, no. - This is marketing 101. - According to you. - Well, that's what sells products.
- Fantastic, fantastic. I am so excited. - Am I sensing some sarcasm? - Yes. - [Nathan] Mark wasn't convinced, and said there was only one thing that could win him over. - Cash. Money. - [Nathan] I needed to show that this would be profitable.
So later that week, I arranged a focus group to see if my marketing approach would work with actual children. When I show this to you, what do you think? Do you want it? - Nope. - Nah. - Why? - Dumb.
- [Nathan] It's dumb? - Yeah. - Okay. Oh, hold on a second, guys. I just got a call. Hello? Oh yes, sir.
Really? Oh my God. Yeah, I'll let them know. Sorry guys. That was the president calling, and he just told me that owning this toy is now the only proof you're not a baby.
Well, I mean, I have one, so that's good. Are you guys babies or? - Nope. - Nah.
- [Nathan] Well, you don't have the toy, so you must be a baby. Unless you have it, then you're not. Oh, okay.
So now you two aren't babies, but are you a baby? Are you a baby? - No. - Well, you don't have the toy. What do you think about kids that don't have the toy? - Sad.
- Sad? - Weird. - Why? - Because they're a baby. - [Nathan] The strategy worked even better than I had hoped. So I rebranded the toy's packaging and brought it to Mark to see what he thought.
- It's horrible. - I mean, what specifically? - Kid in a diaper with children pointing at him. If this is the best you got, you're awful. - I mean, I'm putting a lot of effort and resources into trying to sell. - Well, you're not good at what you do.
You're not good at what you do. - [Nathan] Working with Mark was about as much fun as playing with his toys. But I was convinced I could win him over if I showed him results. So I wrote and shot a professional TV commercial for the "Doink It", that was guaranteed to get kids to buy it.
(suspenseful tones) - If you are between the ages of three and eight, please listen closely. Owning a "Doink It" is now the only proof that you are not a baby. (babies crying) If you don't have this toy, people will think you wear diapers and cry all the time. (babies crying) Everybody will think you sleep in a crib and drink from a bottle. If you don't have one of these, whenever you speak, all people will hear is "goo goo" and "gaga."
So tell your mom or dad to buy you a "Doink It," because otherwise, as far as anyone's concerned, you're a baby. (suspenseful tones) Oh, it can also be used as a toy ball. (suspenseful tones) - Cut. Nice. It was perfect.
But when I tried to buy ad time on a local station. - [News Station] You're lying to the kids, and saying that they're a baby if they don't have this toy. - They said a commercial like this would never make it on TV.
And that meant I needed a new approach. So I convinced a local toy store to carry the "Doink It," by offering to provide them with a Santa, free of charge, for the approaching holiday season. But what they didn't know, is that Santa was my old pal, James Bailey, who I could trust to make sure that every kid would be asking for a "Doink It" for Christmas. And with James in place. - Santa! - [Nathan] It was time to sell some "Doink Its."
- Do you know what you'd like to have for Christmas? - I would really want an "Ever After High" doll. - My, that tells me that you must be a baby. Are you a baby? - No. - See all these people making fun of the boy? So we don't want people to think that you're a baby, and the only way you can prove that, is if you have a "Doink It" toy.
- Okay. - [Nathan] The plan was working great. - I need this. - You need this? - One of the girls from my school, she's being mean to me. - She's mean to you? Oh, that's not good. I wonder if that's because she might think you're a baby because you don't have a "Doink It."
Well, that must mean you wear diapers. - I'm don't wear diapers anymore. 'Cause I don't wanna be a baby I said! (scanner beeping) - Just doesn't seem like something Santa should be saying, that kids are gonna look like babies. - Well, that's your opinion. - [Nathan] Despite a couple uptight parents, the "Doink It" was the top selling toy of the day. But when I went back to Mark with the good news, he still didn't get it.
- That was horrible advice, and awful graphics, terrible design. - No, but it did work. - Unprofessional.
You never proved that it worked. - We did get sales. In life, not everyone will see your vision, but it's important to always take the high road. And sometimes the best way to brighten spirits, is with a gift.
(Mark laughs) This is you. But the biggest difference between me and Mark, is that when I play with toys, I win. - [Toy] Hi, I'm Marky.
I'm an idiot businessman with a small dick. I have no idea how much I hurt other people's feelings. And I'm the laughing stock of my industry. - [Nathan] If you're a traveling businessman visiting Pomona, California, chances are, you'll stay at the iconic Hilltop Hotel. But recently, hotel manager, Kenny Pang, has been eager to attract a new type of clientele, families on vacation. - The hotel would like to, you know, get more families to come in.
Because when they come in, they do stay a lot longer than the other guests. - [Nathan] But as far as I'm concerned, if you want to attract families, you have to cater to the needs of the parents. So I paid Kenny a visit, with a way to help. When couples stay alone in a hotel, if their relationship's going well, they'll usually have sex, right? - It's common sense.
- Yeah. But when families travel together, I imagine it's incredibly frustrating for the parents, because they're unable to engage in sexual intercourse, because their kids are there. - Yeah. I never really pay attention to this matter, but it's out there. - [Nathan] Right now, the reason why parents don't want to have sex while on vacation, is because their children will see and hear them, leading to permanent developmental damage which can never be repaired. But if the Hilltop Hotel could offer a portable soundproof box that completely isolates the child from his parents' carnal acts, they'd quickly become the top hotel choice for sexually active parents traveling with their children.
The plan: attract families to the Hilltop by giving them a way to have sex with their kids in the room. - They will still be inside the room? Is that what you're saying? Oh, sorry. - You know the best part is, kids wouldn't see this as some prison they're forced into.
It would be a fun isolation box that kids of all ages would enjoy. - If you put it that way, theoretically, maybe. - [Nathan] Kenny was beginning to see the potential of my idea, and even had some suggestions of his own. - Every single thing that kids would love could go into that box. I mean, yeah, little flashlights, you know, little stars that, you know, go off at night. - [Nathan] But before committing to anything, he wanted to see a working prototype.
So I got to work, constructing our first isolation chamber that would be large enough to house a child up to 16 years of age. But since the most important part was the soundproofing, we layered the inside walls with six inches of rock wall batting, and then added a cork lined inner chamber with a pressurized seal that would eliminate vibrations. Because the box had to be airtight, I also installed a self-contained breathing system that would pump oxygen in while scrubbing out the CO2 so the child wouldn't suffocate. And as a final precaution, I created a rainforest soundscape to play inside the box with custom animal calls that would hopefully camouflage any sex noises that happen to get through.
(Nathan mimicking animal noises) With every precaution taken, and the box now decorated to make it exciting for kids, it seemed like our prototype was complete. But I knew that if even one sex noise happened to get through to the inside, the Hilltop could be liable for traumatizing an innocent child. So after setting up the box in one of their suites, I hired two pornographic performers to help me test it out under real life circumstances. Do you normally start like kissing a little bit and then it gets more and more? - It kind of depends on the scene.
I mean, usually like, sometimes there's kissing, sometimes it just goes straight to blowjob. - Oh, okay. - [Tony] Yeah. - [Nathan] While Tony and Holly got ready in the bathroom, I brought in our test subject. Hey, how's it going? I'm Nathan, nice to meet you.
An eight year old child actor named Bradley. - What the heck? - Pretty cool fort, huh? - Yeah. - [Nathan] Bradley loved the box.
And after helping him in, and showing him how to alert me in case of an emergency. (buzzing) You see, that light. I sealed him inside the chamber, making sure there was no way he could get out on his own and ruin his innocence.
Even though Bradley's parents were fully aware of what was about to happen, they still insisted on being present during the test. So I just wanna be clear with you guys, because this is a test, I'm gonna have the performers go at each other pretty hard. - Okay. - Okay. - [Nathan] And with that, I brought Jurgen and Marie into the room, so we could begin. Are you guys ready? - Yeah.
- [Nathan] Okay. Whenever you're ready. - Oh, we're ready. - Oh, let's get to it. I love you so much, Marie.
- Touch me where I like it, Jurgen. - I gave them your names to make it more realistic. (Tony and Holly breathing heavily) - Watch and learn, hun. (Holly moaning) - [Holly] Oh, you like making me beg for that (beep), don't you, Jurgen? - [Nathan] After a few minutes, the real Jurgen and Marie decided to leave the room. - Like if he's uncomfortable, would he? - There's an alert button.
- Okay. Just let know. - Okay, I'll take care. - Okay, thanks. - See you guys.
With Jurgen and Marie gone, I was left to monitor the rest of the test on my own. (Holly and Tony moaning loudly) - [Holly] Jurgen! (animal noises) - [Nathan] Once I observed the couple had climaxed, I knew it wasn't gonna get any louder. So I had them finish up, and brought in something comfortable for them to put on. And with Holly and Tony out of the room, it was time to see if my box had worked.
So what was it like being in outer space? - Fun. - Did you hear anything? - Animal noises. - Animal noises? Nothing besides that? - No.
- Nothing? - Nothing. - [Nathan] My box had passed an initial test, but with a child's mental health on the line, I needed to make sure it held up under even the most extreme circumstances. So to put it through the ultimate stress test, I arranged for an additional five performers to join Tony and Holly for a seven person orgy. So these are some of my friends here. So say hi.
- Hi. - Okay. You know the drill, right? - Yeah. - Blast off! (everyone moaning loudly) It was clear that if my box could withstand this, it would hold up in any situation a hotel client might get into. So after the 30 minute group session concluded, I followed up one more time with Bradley. So how was that? - Awesome.
- Did you hear anything strange this time? - No. - Nothing? - Nothing. - [Nathan] It worked. The box was completely soundproof.
And that meant I could finally return to Kenny with undeniable proof that the product was ready to be offered to his guests. - [Kenny] Oh, okay. Wow. That looks like a space shuttle. (Holly moaning) - [Nathan] So as you can see, we tested out every possible scenario, from a couple making love, to a seven person group engagement. And there was a child in there the entire time.
- [Kenny] Okay. - Who didn't hear anything. - Okay.
Wow. - So I guess we'll leave the box in the lobby, and just let me know if you wanna order any more. - Thank you for the offer, but- - You don't have to worry about it. It's my gift to you. We'll just leave it in the lobby. - Alright.
Leave it in the lobby then. Yeah. (peaceful music) - [Nathan] Next, I had an idea for a tearless way to tell a child that their pet has died.
To be an upsell service for an animal hospital, the concept was to make a video of the pet while it's still alive, telling the child it's in animal heaven now. I hired the only voice actor that responded to my Craigslist ad to be the dog. But when we showed it to the owner's child. - Hello, it's me, Madi. I'm in heaven now. So sorry I died.
I miss you so much. I'm happy here, so I'm not coming home. - Madi doesn't talk like that. - No she doesn't. - No. - Aw.
It's okay. - [Nathan] He hated his dog's voice. (triumphant music)
2022-11-17 21:51
