Devin Shares Her Sexual Assault Story • Ladylike
The video that you're about to watch is something, that me and Devon wanted to make for a sexual, assault awareness and, Prevention, Month so. Because of that it, deals very heavily with sexual, assault if you feel like this is something that you might not be ready to hear, or listen, to then, that is perfectly, fine and your, mental health matters more, than watching this video so please feel free to set this one out throughout this video you might see images of Devon wearing a dress this is the dress that she wore on the night that she was assaulted, we at ladylike, decided, to disable, the comments for this video because we, decided, that the, words that matter most in regards to this story are the, ones that Devon is saying herself, but if you do feel like you need to talk to someone about this, please, feel free to engage in the resources, that we'll be sharing in the description, as well as at the end of this video thank you so much for watching and, for listening, to Devon share her incredibly. Important, story without further ado here, is Devon. Scene. 1 take 1 a and B mark alright, alright. So. So, the intro yeah, my. Name is Devon and seven, years ago on Saturday my life took an unexpected turn, what point of your life were you in at that time so, seven years ago I was working as a hostess and a nanny I just. Moved to LA I'd been here like maybe eight or nine months. And. I, was doing the the, post-college dance that a lot of people do the, make. All the money you can before, the student loan bills come in. And. Kind of just figure. Out how to settle into a new city I just, graduated from the University of Michigan which. Is an ant Arbor moving, from Ann Arbor to LA was a bit of a culture shock so, it's still kind of grappling, with this new big city and I had just moved into a new apartment with, some awesome roommates, it kind, of felt like my life was starting. But, I was happy I was excited, I was, super. Eager. Possibly. And definitely, very, naive, about, a lot of things see. 2012. I was. 23. I. Had. Just broken up with my boyfriend of five years I was on the dating scene for, the first time in a long time in a brand-new city and I didn't really know how to date. Just. Because I'm a, direct. Communicator. If. I like somebody I let them know and I tell them which, like in the dating game I, mean, that's that's one way to do things but, it definitely leaves you vulnerable if someone. Knows that you like them. So. If. We could now, sort. Of jump, ahead to the night, that night that all this happened the, night, that. My life changed, I have, a friend in Los, Angeles who, was doing really well in Hollywood he still is and, he's. A wonderful human being, he's great and, he had this warehouse, that he was renting because he was in a band and, he threw a warehouse party and these. Parties, were, like my first encounter, with like Hollywood, scene but they were catered, and, they had bartenders, there and it, was like open bar I didn't. Have to pay for drinks, he's, very gracious, and a wonderful person so I just felt very lucky, to be in, the mix it, was just kind of a fun. Night, it was the it was the night before Easter Sunday and, I was really nervous because again I didn't, I wasn't really into the Hollywood scene just yet and so when I'm nervous, I can't. Eat or drink so. I was remember just buzzing around checking. In with all of my friends like.
Babysitting. Maybe like a drink, I had a crush on, my. Manager at work at. The restaurant I worked at will just give him a fake name for now let's, just call him Brock I, was. Trying to get Brock to. Come to the party and. Brock. Was. Kind of lukewarm about it and I. Stayed at the party for about a couple, hours then, Brock was like you know what I'm probably not gonna come to, the party but you should come to, me but let me just add some context, the, party was in Hollywood and. Where. Brock lift was in Venice yeah, in LA that's, like you know yeah that's a long yes. That's really far it's far it's far yeah, I was like okay. Again. I didn't know anything, about LA and then also too when you're in a new city even, if you have to travel a long way it's. Exciting, the Devitt of today would, not have traveled from Hollywood to Venice for nobody but. I didn't I got into my car cuz again I was very sober but I had never been to his apartment before, I, hadn't. Seen where he lived. I remember, walking down his Street I was, excited. Because I was like seeing someone. I liked life, you know I'm starting to get those butterfly, nerves just talking about it I remember walking down his Street and seeing. All these filmy notices, everywhere, because, they were shooting an episode of Californication. I put, myself back in that night like I remember, the excitement I remember, the nerves like. You're. Driving, to a guy that you like his, house and midnight and you can hear the waves and, you can see these filming, notices, and it just feels very. Magical. This is the start of something. So. Great. For. Someone, who's, new to LA I feel like that's exactly what you would imagine for, LA to be so. It was like checking every, single box it was it and this is again I hadn't dated for. Years so. It felt like I, don't. Know like yeah dreamy like, this was it in my mind I imagined, that I would go into his apartment and we, would sip. Whiskey, we, would talk about ourselves and, have. Long conversations and. Then like maybe make out that's. What I was expecting I even. Walked up his back stairs I remember, because he didn't come to the door you know in an apartment, building situation. Especially his old apartments, you. Someone, has to let you in he. Didn't come to the door which, should. Have tipped me off he, was like go up the back stairs and. It'll. Be open also I should have been tipped off because I remember the text messages were like super choppy and super. Misspelled. But again like I, didn't. Know then. You wanted to believe something else yeah. You know you wanted something else to happen you you already had it developed. In your brain of what the night was going to look like and so when. You already have that image and you're getting pieces that are not crazy. But. They might be a little bit off but they still fit into that image mm-hmm. Then your, scene is still just ready to go right, right, it just went. Straight over my head. So. Then I. Specifically. Remember, the moment but he opened his apartment, door. Because. I knocked. And. I. He. Opened the door and I was like oh. Not. Even crestfallen. Not, even really disappointed. But. This. Man was, super. Drunk he, was like so, far gone I was, like oh that's why you wanted me to come to you immediately, I switched, into oh I'm, gonna put I'm gonna get him some water maybe. We'll chat if I can get a sentence in I'm. Gonna put him to bed and then we'll laugh about this later and I, remember, walking into his apartment and it was. Filthy. Like. They were clothes. Everywhere. And. Dirty. Dishes and, I was, looking, into, the. Living space of. Now. I know someone. Who was not well because like there are messy people and then.
There Are people who live in mess, because they're not mentally. Okay. And, that's what I felt like I was entering to and again. I should. Have been tipped off by that but I was just like. Okay. And. He was. Stumbling. Around the, studio apartment, I went into his kitchen and I. Washed two glasses a glass. Of water for him and then I made myself because. He had like a bottle of whiskey that was all almost drained, and so I gave myself a little whiskey and I was like okay I might as well have a little sip, of something I'm gonna watch you drink this water I, opened. His fridge there was nothing in it and I, remember when I opened his fridge was like are you looking for booze and then he opened up his closet. In his. Studio apartment, and it was filled. Top. To bottom with. Whiskey like, if I walked, into the situation, now I would be like wow this person, is. Needs. Help you know and. I didn't I didn't think that every, time. I don't. Know how you want to go into this part. From. There. From, there I. Started. To drink a little, whiskey and he started to drink a little water although it was kind of like you know when drunk people drink water they're like me. Being me I started. To make fun of him because, I was like come on like you're missing your mouth like again I, thought. I was putting a drunk friend to bed so it's just kind of lightly teasing, like ah come, on man I'm like let's let's put you let's let's get you to bed let's. Let's. Take care of this like yeah, you're, obviously, not. Okay. And. Then it got, and. Then it got bad, because. He didn't like that I was teasing him and. That's. When it turned. Yeah. And. So. Then. I. Well. You guys can gather what happened next the. One, thing I remember about the act itself. Because. I completely. Disassociated. I left, my body for most of it but. This. Man Brock, was. Is. 6-3. 6-4. Really. Built and. He held me down by my neck. And. It took me a long time to wear chokers again, after that and now they were like one of my favorite accessories, because of it but. Like for a long time I couldn't have. Like. Anything tight around my neck because. It would just bring me back to. That place. What, I do remember is he fell asleep straight. Up on top of me and, I. Just remember lying there. Being. Like, where. Am I, what. Just happened, like. Did I, ask. For this I. Was. Still wearing my dress for. The most part I mean like it was in the bed but like you know when it's still like kind of on you. It. Was still very much on and. I. Didn't. Sleep at all that night I. Didn't. Really even move. Which. I know if we were to bring any of this situation, into a court, of law that makes me look more culpable. It, makes me look more like guilty, and like I asked for it because I didn't leave afterwards. But. It was actually very hard for him it, was hard for me to move it was hard for me to get out from, underneath, after. He. Had decided that he, was finished, what. Did you do I. Was. Thinking about. Like. I have to get plan B tomorrow I. Was. Thinking about. What. What happened, like. What. Does this mean I. Remember. Even having the thought does. This mean he likes me. Because. 23 year-old Devin in that moment was just trying to process. It's just trying to put the pieces together how she knew how like, with what she had you know and I equated. Sex, with you liking somebody I felt, like. Something. Broke in. Me. But. It wasn't like. Emotional. Breaking. Like. I wasn't I didn't have any really big. Emotions. Just yet I just. Remember being like now. I'm different this. Is big I don't, know how, but. Now I'm different I, always, kind of thought of myself as a fighter I mean everyone on lady like will tell you that I'm the first one to engage, in conflict if I don't like something.
But. I just remember it took a long time for me to even extract, myself from that situation even to like get out of his bed untangle, myself put my clothes back on I, like. What. Come up and, of. Course. That. Didn't really work but I told him I was leaving and he was like. And. So, I left, I put my shoes on and I remember. Hearing. Church bells as I was walking to my car and I, realized it was Easter Sunday I grew, up very Catholic, I went to. Evangelical. Christian school in the south and, I. Just felt like God's eyes were on me that, I was being watched and, judged as I was walking to my car and, that's, when it hit me. What. Had happened I told. My roommate at the time who. By. The way like this is nothing against my roommate at the time I really, do like her and. The. Dialectic. Meaning, that there can be two things at once is that. She was just responding, to the situation the best she knew how and I feel like if I were to come to this person, with. The same situation today she, would respond differently but. She was the first person I told because, she was my roommate and she was there and. She. Said. To me oh was. It one of those situations where, it was easier just to say yes and get it over with and. I said yeah, yeah yeah that's it that's it and she, was like that's not right I mean. Like that's just college. When. You first shared. Your story with your roommate at the time, she. Didn't react in a way that was helpful to you what. Would have been something that she could have said or done that, would have made you feel like you weren't alone. The. First thing that you have to do is validation, validate. Validate validate, yes. This happened to you yes. You're, having feelings and, you have to have feelings you're right I'm not, crazy that I, didn't do this to myself, that. What. I'm feeling and how confused, I am is okay. Everyone. Copes with things differently. Some, people need softness. People need, distraction. Some, people need. Fill-in-the-blanks. But, everybody, needs to be validated, because. No one told me that, I needed to take time to process. I think. I had all these feelings, come up and. All of these thoughts.
And, Cognitions. That were causing me stress and anxiety and, no, one said no that's fine that's good, and. I just kind of walked around my apartment all day being, like mad, I was mad you, know. So. I called him, because. I knew him I worked with him and. I. Was like hey. And, he was like hi I was. Like. Do. You want to talk about last night and he. Was like what. What about last night, and. It, became clear to me that he didn't remember. And. I was like you need to get your ass over to my house right now. You. Need to come over. He. Came over to my apartment that, day that afternoon before his shift at work and. He. Stood in my kitchen and, I, basically. Cried. Yelled at him for like, thirty, minutes about. What happened and he, did and he listened and he apologized. He. Said that he had no memory no recollection of even me coming, and showing up he. Didn't remember what. I was wearing he didn't remember that I was there he didn't remember what he did he didn't remember anything. And. I was like I woke you up that morning I woke you up this morning he, don't remember and, he said no so, I don't know if, that. Is him just protecting, himself or if that's true but that's what he claims so. When he was in my kitchen and I, was yelling at him I. Remember. Being like I liked, you I came over to your house because I liked you and. He. Asked me out on a date. Then. And there in my kitchen. And I said yes we. Did date off and on for a couple weeks, afterwards. And. I, think that was me, trying. To make sense of what happened I think that was me trying to regain control, because if we're dating then it's not an assault, then. It's just, whatever. Of course that's not true and I know that but that was my logic, back then and for a long time afterwards, I thought to. Myself that like okay bear, I did it it is done I confronted. Him he said, he was sorry what, else can we do I get, out really wanna press charges. It, is what it is. And. I, think I did that because I was so afraid of becoming a victim, afterwards. I'd like just really wanted I wanted. My life to be back the way it was and it's, taken me seven years to, realize. That after. Something, like this happens to you after someone, takes your autonomy, away. Even. If it's for a. Minute. You're. Not the same afterwards. You're. Just not and, this. Is the part that I'm the, most mad. And ashamed of he, made me into a victim and. I didn't want to be a victim, so. How. Did how. Was your life different, before and after this all happened. After. This. Situation, with Brock I dated. A man who was completely, aggressive. Broke. My window broke my printer. He. Was toxic. Emotionally. Abusive. But. I thought I was like normal. I don't know I was. Isolating, I've completely, isolated, myself I isolated, myself for my friends, i isolated, myself from my identity, and my just. Developed, these weird habits, and. Things. These, weird, little reckless behaviors. As, a. Way to cope because. I didn't know what else to do I would. Go. On OkCupid. And, I. Would just, like meet men go. Out and have dinner or drinks with them and then never talk to again, again. Me trying to find some kind of sense of control I would, pile on everything. Like all activities, would not slow down and, then eventually just have a meltdown. Like. All these like weird little coping, mechanisms, I developed, it, took awhile for me to start to identify each one and, undo. It you, know it took years years, of work. Why. Do you think you didn't want to slow down because. If I slowed, down then. I don't have to confront, these feelings. Because. I think the entire time I doubted that it actually happened, because, I injected. Myself into that situation I. Really. Blamed. Myself for, a, long time, which. I think a lot of people do after. Something like this happens and I. Think that is our sense. Of trying to regain control I can't. Blame the other person, because. I can't make that other person take, in the blame and the, responsibility. But, I can blame myself and, that's. What I did it's. Like, regardless. Of what, you were wearing or what you asked for he should not have done that no. No, and it--and that's it you, know I, was. Raised and. I was socialized, to always, trust the judgment of men and to. Always question my own and, that. Has taken. Years. To undo. I'm still undoing it on, that night was, Saturday before Easter, I. Decided. To wear this red dress that. Is a fire engine red, I, got, it because I reminded, me of John, for Mad Men and. I. Wanted, to make a. Little. Bit of a statement but not be too out, there you. Know like I remember feeling like curvy. And sexy, and I love the way it, hit me in the right spot in my and my waist I just, loved the way it hugged, me I felt. Like this dress was made for me I'm. Different. Now I. Have. A different job I. Have. A different living situation, I make.
Different Money. I live, in a different apartment, I'm. Different. However. 23. Year-old Devin is still part of me and for. A long time I blamed. Her. And. I wasn't nice to her. And. I want to wear that dress because, 23. Year-old Devin and I can still agree on the fact that that's a good dress and. We like it and. I. Want, to reclaim, that dress because I want to reclaim her. Because. I was so mean to her and. If I met a 23, year old version of myself on the street I, would. Not be as me. And. I think that's why I want to reclaim it. Because. I don't think you should be mean to yourself after, something like this happens to you. It's. Not your fault it wasn't her fault and. I. Think. Whatever. It is you're struggling with a, situation. Like this or. Something. Equally as traumatic. That. Version, of yourself is still a part of you and. Being. Mean to it, isn't. Helping the situation. Accepting. That. This. Person, helped. Get you to where you are today and. That. She, needs to be honored. That's. Why I'm wearing the dress. So. I put on this dress because I made me feel like. I got this, and. I'm, gonna wear this dress again cuz I want to feel that way again. There. Is a happy a semi, happy. Part. Of the story that I've left out mm-hmm. Three. Or four years later, after. My assault, I'm. Out with a girlfriend the, OL and she's like I'm at an awesome at a guy I met a guy I wanted, these bars I was like whoa, intrigue. Tell. Me about him she's. Like well he's tall built. Like a Grecian, God, and, his. Name is rock. That's. Like Oh. Funny. How. Did you meet him, and. She was like well he was the bartender. What. Restaurant. But. Yeah I sat, her down afterwards, and was like you, should not go out with him. He. Did this to me a couple years ago. I'm, not, denying that Brock might be different now he might have turned a new leaf he may have done. Some self work he may be in therapy god bless him, but. Like, he. Doesn't deserve to date my friend. And, so she didn't she come to him. Telling. Your story and putting. That dress on that's. A lot, it. Is a lot and I think sometimes we shy away from stuff because there a lot I think. We use that moniker. Of being, a lot to not talk about things it's. Just a lot I feel too much it's heavy. Yeah. It. Is. But. You got a name it detainment. And. That's just the. Fact of life we're, ever going to address rape culture in. America, in the. World we. Got to talk about our, relationship, to being a lot so. Yeah it's a lot. But. It. Is what it is I'm not going anywhere I live. In this world I exist. And. This is my story and I didn't want to share it for a long time. But. You. Hearing, about my a lot, may. Help you, deal. With your. A lot. This. Is something, that you, shied away from talking about for a long time what. Is making you want to talk about it today oh we. Have to keep this conversation going. Because. If. We, don't then we're just gonna regress backwards, I'm. In a place in my life where, I can't afford therapy. I'm. In a place in my life where I have friends, who, can support me networks, of people who love me and who. Can be with me and, yes. This is hard and yes I'm scared for this to go live. But. I know I'm gonna be okay at. The end of the day, there. Are a lot of people out there who don't have these means who, don't know if they came out that they're gonna be okay and. Watching. This video I hope, people realize that they're not alone and that I'm. Still fighting this fight. I'm. Not going anywhere a lot. Of us have. Suffered, situations. Like this before a lot of us are being really mean to ourselves, because, this has happened. And. That. If you if you're watching this then this has happened to you you maybe take a step back. Just. Be kinder to yourself, that's. It be. Kinder to yourself. It. Makes it easier. This. Video is landing on a channel called ladylike, and I know it can be perceived as a ladies issue because. The thing only for the affects women it affects. Us all. Assault. Happens to everyone, not, just women not. Just female bodied people, and. It. Affects, us. As a human race, to. Any man or person who might be watching this who. Has committed, an, assault. We. Get better, we. Get stronger. What. Are you doing. How. Are you changing, how. Are you standing up for us how. Are you rectifying, the situation because.
You Can't change the past but you can change the future. So. Even though this is on. Ladylike. And we are lady is talking about lady things. It's. Not a ladies issue. It's. An every goddamn, person issue. Can't. Give you a hug before we could.
2019-04-30 03:53
