The Best of Al Franken as Guest Host | The Daily Show
[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that's right according to Donald Trump himself Donald Trump may actually be indicted this week and and I've I've got just one thing to say about that finally and you know what the best thing about it is it's happening right here in the greatest City on the planet New York City wow wow this is easy you guys are great are you great are you a great audience are you the best oh God they love me and I gotta say who would have ever thought that Donald Trump would be brought down by a porn star all of us right it was pretty pretty predictable but yeah Donald Trump paid his Stormy Daniels uh to keep this story quiet and here we are still talking about it seven years later so that would be another failed Trump business venture now if Donald Trump does get arrested he'll have to go through the normal procedure the the perp walk the fingerprinting and of course the mug shot I certainly hope that the booking officer is respectful and doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to play some you know stupid joke Mr President this this will be your mug shot so I'm gonna snap the photo on the count of three okay Mr President one here we go hang on one two hit the wind machine okay now as you saw Trump asked his supporters to come out and protest and they're already coming up with some fun ideas apparently some Trump fans are talking about preventing Trump's arrest by forming a so-called Patriot moat around Mar-A-Lago and I have to ask who are these people who can just leave whatever they're doing to go physically protect Donald Trump uh nurse you have to find someone else to finish the brain surgery the president has summoned me to Mar-A-Lago to be a human moat for him of course many republican officials are also coming to Trump's Defense House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy Lindsey Graham who will be on the show in a little while and even Mike Pence appeared on the Noose uh sir sorry the news let's get to the story today that makes all the other stories kind of pointless according to the U.N we're all going to die just into CNN a dire warning about the state of the planet the new U.N report warns the climate Time Bomb is ticking and the world is running out of time to avoid catastrophe this report tells us we need a Quantum Leap in climate action and every country in the world has to reduce emissions at warp speed to try to curb the warming of our planet we are nowhere close to making that Paris agreement goal of curbing warming to 1.5 degrees Celsius from pre-industrial levels to accomplish all of it developed and the richest nations in the world would need to reach Net Zero by 2040. that is going
to be nearly impossible wow that's awful but I guess a shout out to my baby boomers feels like we got the last Chopper out of Saigon and that's a reference we Baby Boomers understand foreign now part of the problem is the un's expectation of collective action it's just easy to shirk your part when everybody has to chip in so the solution here is to call out people individually the next un report shouldn't say we almost lower our emissions it should say Gary stop driving your car so much you don't you don't need to visit your wife's grave every day she's not keeping track [Applause] the fact is on our current path we're in for a grim future and find out just how grimlets go to the Future to talk to Desi lightick hi Al yes I am reporting from the year 2075. can you believe it this space is 93. take that Paul Rudd I'm afraid to ask but how is the climate crisis going 60 years from now climate crisis we saw that years ago look the entire world looks like a Lisa Frank folder well hold on we we fix climate change how did how did that happen well it started when the U.N issued its report on March 20th 2023 warning that we had to radically reduce carbon emissions by 2040. so we read the report and we made all the changes and saved the world back wow wait wait does it you're talking about the report from yesterday yeah yeah laid out exactly what we needed to do so everyone came together and did it why wouldn't we [Applause] well what wasn't doing all that really expensive oh yeah it definitely was but the alternative was the destruction of the planet so of course we just spent the money obviously back to you Al I I can't believe it everything sounds so great in the future oh it sure is oh little guy a grassland Sparrow I thought those were going extinct oh they were but we turned it around we reforested the Amazon we got all the plastic out of the ocean and upcycled it into friendship bracelets that we all wear unironically plus all the children in the world joined hands and sang in a Harmony so beautiful it ended War forever wow holy crap really all that happened oh my God no you dumb dumb dumb you think the think there's some reason we're gonna suddenly start listening to un climate reports no I'm not from the future this is all fake I am literally in the same room as you right now I'm so I'm so stupid I did I just didn't realize that yeah I hate to say it but we're just gonna keep on driving forward Expeditions and burning fossil fuels until the ocean swallows this hole oh well I guess you're right Desi and you know that's our our satirical point if only satire had the power to change the future for the better yeah well Al I mean the good news is there's still a chance that our sharp-witted satire will inspire people to make the necessary changes to save our planet wow really no no [Applause] guys were you really [Applause] yes yes I was the iconic I love New York logo is getting a makeover the new campaign we love New York City launched by official staff helped the city rebound from the pandemic designers keeping the big red heart but switching up the font a little bit mayor Adams and governor hokel on hand in Times Square to unveil the new logo with the help of Broadway stars and Community leaders no one will ever beat New Yorkers down and we took the eye out of I Love New York and we brought the weed we're in this together that's right it's not I anymore it's we as in we can't afford rent or we just got pushed in front of the subway or or we just push someone in front of the subway but if you're wondering how they got this incredible new slogan I actually have some of the some of the runners up here uh let's see some of the other options were we love Jew York okay New York New York [Applause] Start Spreading the Jews [Applause] and then they told Kanye to leave the meeting and that's when that's when they settled on we love New York City wow that is that's a lot of trash yeah no this isn't a lot of trash for us it's probably less than 500 000 pounds of it this is what you wanted to do yeah a girl can dream and there it is it was desperate to run sanitation why did you want this because sanitation is the essential service every day New Yorkers leave 24 million pounds of trash and recycling 24 million pounds we don't do our job for one day yeah everyone in New York City notices we don't do our jobs for two or three days that's a Public Health crisis commissioner Tish has already been a Dynamo of innovation bringing new ideas and a breath of fresh air the Gotham's piles of garbage we announced this week that we're changing the setup times for trash to 8 PM this week the department of sanitation launched its first all-bro composting program biggest swing that you can take at cleaning up our streets is to shut down the all night all you can eat rat Buffet tell me about could you have been associated with the word rat something that went by the rats don't run the city we do around the city rats don't run the city [Music] mom I think I went viral Jesse Tish took it to the rats the idea is one third of the material in these black bags is food as we're trying to take the food at home post it and create soil now the rats won't like that the rats will hate that but the rats don't run the city we do let's kick things off with my home state of Minnesota which just became the fourth state in the Union to guarantee free school lunch to every single yeah yeah that's a that's a pretty good feel feel good story in Minnesota right uh well one Republican state senator didn't think so Mr President I have yet to meet a person in Minnesota that is hungry yet today I have yet to meet a person in Minnesota that says they don't have access to enough food tea now I should say that hunger is a relative term Mr President you know I had a cereal bar for breakfast I guess I'm hungry now [Applause] the bad news is this is a guy who we call in Minnesota a big jerk [Applause] you know the great thing is we've got 10 000 Lakes we can throw this gosh darn jerk into sorry I went off the deep end there but this guy's clearly a jerk and I don't know why this guy is being so stingy there's a simple solution here every year at the Minnesota State Fair they always carve a giant butter sculpture of Princess K of the Milky Way so why don't we take that sculpture and shove it up the guy's ass the big story on Capitol Hill today where there was a major hearing that could determine the future of tick-tock a rare display of bipartisanship today for the grilling of tick tock CEO on Capitol Hill the executive of the controversial and Incredibly popular app facing some tough questions about child safety data collection and its Chinese ownership the chair of the committee today says that Tick-Tock should be banned we do not trust Tick Tock will ever Embrace American values values for Freedom human rights and innovation Tick Tock has repeatedly chosen the path for more control more surveillance and more manipulation your platform should be banned that's right we don't need a Chinese company stealing our data and spying on us that's a job for American companies USA USA USA [Applause] of course a ban will affect me personally because as many of you know I have a huge following on Tick Tock thanks to my unboxing videos my makeup tutorials and of course my dance moves I invented this one [Applause] now aside from the hearing in the house today there's another hearing in the Senate next week which I think might go a bit like this [Applause] talk going to release an app for my flip phone that's what I want to know our fear is your spine on America is whether you've inspired on so could you please share that data excuse [Applause] I want [Applause] I want your assurances that if Tick Tock is banned China won't retaliate by closing Hunan balcony the restaurant near my house because that's where the schumers eat Angus they make pork I know it's our kosher but it's you know it's Christmas I'm worried about the use of artificial intelligence [Applause] because I have seen a deep fake video out there of me saying that I trust Brett Kavanaugh to uphold Roe v Wade can you change that to me saying I don't trust him because that's what I said this is a pretty amazing Discovery isn't it I guess so you know but when scientists dig someone up to study their DNA it's an amazing Discovery but when I do it it's a felony I mean yes but still it is amazing that we can learn how Beethoven died just by analyzing his hair well and it's not just beethovenal thanks to these Cutting Edge discoveries scientists can finally learn how all sorts of historical figures died I mean for example you know after analyzing a DNA sample from Julius Caesar we now know that he died from being stabbed to death right of course Shakespeare who William William Shakespeare the legendary playwright now I'm not a literature guy I'm a scientist okay and how about this little tidbit President Abraham Lincoln John Wilkes Booth John Wilkes I'm not a historian I'm a scientist you think they just give this lab coat to anyone no and that's why through empirical evidence I now know that how JFK died also yes we know he he was shot in there what the [ __ ] did someone leak this report to you no it's just that your science only seems to be confirming well-known historical facts okay well I bet you didn't know how Queen Elizabeth died while she was 96 so I'm guessing natural natural causes no meth overdose okay [Applause] her age look and that's a lesson for all you kids out there don't wait too long to try math that is a terrible lesson Michael it's tax season or as Donald Trump calls it would you get off my back already and the Biden Administration has been making a big effort to make tax season a bit less painful the inflation reduction act which the president signed last August includes 80 billion dollars in new funding for the IRS to hire new employees and upgrade its technology and it's working the IRS is doing much better at processing our returns and answering our questions about how to file correctly and that's great better enforcement of tax laws means more money for all the many many things the government does Social Security Medicare infrastructure not to mention scraping off the feces smeared on the capitol Walls by the proud boys clearly the new funding is long overdue in addition to paying for immensely popular programs it will help reduce the deficit so everybody's got to be happy about this everybody right am I right Democrats want to spend 80 billion dollars to hire 87 000 more armed IRS agents to terrorize Americans they want to add 87 000 IRS agents that can use deadly force to go after American families they want to turn the IRS into the Gestapo they are arming up the IRS like they're preparing to take Fallujah a little like James Bond but instead of hunting down evil Maniacs these agents hunt down and kill middle class taxpayers that don't pay enough [Applause] what on Earth are these people talking about if you forget to carry the one while you're calculating your return will the IRS actually come to your home break down the door and gun down your entire family in a word no in six words of course not you Republican idiots foreign so let's talk about what the IRS money is really going for and another installment of long story short [Applause] the administration is trying to fix a whole host of problems that began back in 2011 after republicans in Congress started cutting the IRS budget since then the irs's audit rate has dropped almost 60 percent and the number of IRS agents the same number we had in 1954 when the country's population was half the size it is today and pediatricians treated sick children by prescribing them menthol cigarettes and the combination of understaffing and Stone Age Technology has resulted in a very weird situation you are more likely to be audited in the United States if you make twenty thousand dollars a year then if you make five hundred thousand dollars a year the less money you have the easier it is for the IRS to come after you this is because the IRS doesn't have enough money to hire the highly trained investigators needed to go head to head with the wealthy ultimately it's easier for them to audit lower income people because it's cheap can be done by mail and doesn't take a lot of time [Applause] can you believe that the IRS is so understaffed that they audit poor people more than the wealthy because they just don't have the experts to handle the most complex returns they're going after poor people because it's easier it's like a comic who only does your mama jokes sure it's easy but at what cost to my mama foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music]
2023-04-18 22:42
