Randy Feltface: Smug Druggles - Full Special
Can we get the air conditioning rattling a little more in the background please? I'm having a wonderful time in Philly. You've got me right in the middle of the U.S tour about to go to Europe and then I'll come back here. I'm essentially on the run... forever I think I'm running toward my demons I'm trying to catch up to my demons I feel like me and my demons need to get reacquainted. Helium! Philly let's do it hey yes yes It's so exciting to be here the last time I was in Philadelphia was February 2020.
Did I miss anything? My appearance tonight is proudly brought to you by Pfizer. I have had not one, not two, but three shots of the sweet sweet Pfize juice I'm ready to mingle Philly spit in my [ __ ] mouth I'm ready for a fourth one. I want the fourth one. I don't I don't care what's in it I'll drink it. Put it in me! I once snorted a line of speed off the seat of a porta-potty. Whatever's going to kill me... I already did it.
right now slowly multiplying just a little Shadow on an MRI which incidentally is my new single it's just a little Shadow on an MRI it's gonna kill me in my sleep you can get that on my SoundCloud now look there's still a bit of vaccine hesitancy out there and on some level I understand the vaccine hesitant I think it's good to be suspicious of potential misinformation but there is also some misinformation amongst the vaccine hesitant you may be surprised to learn I was reading in the news about a hairdresser who was Banning anyone who had been vaccinated from entering her hair salon because she said anyone who had had the vaccine had the ability to drastically negatively impact the menstrual cycle of any women they even happen to be in the same room as so apparently I can do that now [ __ ] superpower of my vaccination slightly heavier flow right in the middle of a pilates class I am iron deficiency man I understand if you get the vaccine it messes with your cycle I had a lot of friends who had weird periods for a couple of months after getting the vax but just by mere proximity to those who have been vaccinated that is some powerful stuff that's like you [ __ ] your pants because I had Wendy's three days ago this is my inhale Exile tour I'm on what I'm calling a self-imposed Exile from Australia oh my God that's his accent I'm in self-imposed Exile I'm happy with that I'm like a modern day Malena Dietrich although while she was a Hollywood Starlet who refused to go back to her home country of Germany during World War II I'm a big great comedian who's not going back to Australia until they take Serious action on climate change acknowledge these systemic racism and publicly distance themselves from Outback Steakhouse and Fosters foreign but when you're in self-imposed Exile you've got to give back you know what I mean you've got to be give back to your Homeland and just as Marlena donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to help Jewish people escape from Germany this year I will be exclusively following australian-based sex workers on on we're basically the same person who was a good same person you people are amazing wanna go oh hello there I've just noticed that you can see what's happening down here you're getting the special DVD featurette behind the scenes haven't even put out the special you're already seeing the action what's your name Jess and Kevin what did you do today Jess what did you do today Jess Jess you worked what are you doing the day times Jess your project manager just any [ __ ] project I'll manage it I don't care who it's for bring me a project and I will manage it is Kevin a project you've been managing foreign shaking his head you haven't been managed Kevin you look very neat and tidy you've got a button-up shirt looks pretty [ __ ] managed to me what are you doing the day times Kevin you're a biologist oh my God you don't need a project manager you're out there looking at things digging up tadpoles and eating them and [ __ ] is that what you know I assume that's what happens what's your name no okay let's play this game for 25 minutes e-l-y-s-a no no think Melissa dropped the m a double l i double s i I am I double Mississippi foreign you got high and you get yes yes unless there's a drug addict let's go let's glorify drug use come on what kind of drugs did you take oh yes apparently I'm a lot of fun on editables foreign movement so I took the rock bag home from the airport when I got here I went I got the bag off the baggage carousel and I took it home didn't look at the bag tag looked exactly like my bag threw it in the corner had a nice cup of tea watched an episode of The X-Files and then I went to open it to get my phone charger out not my stuff it was weird I mean at first it was funny like I was trying on all the clothes using the toothbrush gave myself a back massage with the vibrator suddenly it occurred to me hang on a second if I have this person's stuff then this person must have my stuff quickly back to the airport son of a [ __ ] ing my [ __ ] hurry before they find the hard drives yes that was an airport story is the American Association of touring comedians has an industry standard that you have to adhere to when you do shows here as a foreign artist it's Union regulated there's nothing I can do about you have to do at least uh two to three airport Airline or airplane stories you need at least um four to five come references and a hot take on the difference between men and women so I'll just tell another airport story and then I'll segue seamlessly into my hilarious impression of my wife getting ready to go out to dinner it's all moisturizer and shoe Buckle she's such a dumb [ __ ] so I was at the airport I spent a couple of weeks in California and I had to fly I might have been in the [ __ ] bit you don't know I just say that California which bit I was in Eureka which is nice it is nice there but I spent a couple of weeks up there and I had to fly from Eureka in Humboldt County to Denver Colorado and that's all you have to do in this country is just name a place and someone will just New York Chicago yeah you're very USA you will say there's lots of bits we all live in one of them we visited some we like them when we were there you're very unified as a country aren't Trump for Colorado and I arrived at the airport I don't know if you've been to that airport but it's more of a log cabin than an airport in place of a departures board there's like the head of a moose mounted on the wall and as I walked in a police officer immediately approached me and said where's your mask and I went oh [ __ ] I don't have my mask on this is back when we were still wearing masks and by the way I am Pro mask I'm just anti-ears so I put my backpack down and I reached into the front pocket of my backpack to retrieve my mask and I grabbed a hold of something that was not a mask foreign one of the side effects of being a touring comedian traveling through California is that total strangers give you free drugs which is how I found myself crouched on the floor of an airport next to an officer of the law holding a handful of hallucinogenic mushrooms and for some reason I looked up at the cop and said hi I said I'm just looking for my mask and I reached around in the pocket and I found the mask but it was just loose in the pocket with the mushrooms and I realized if I pulled the mask out the shrooms would go flying across the terminal so I said I can't seem to locate my mask officer and he reached for his gun and I said please don't kill me and then he pulled a disposable mask out of his pocket and said I got a spare you have a great flight thank you for training Humboldt County police officers do to recognize suspicious activity but on that day this guy must have been out racially profiling teenagers or something because he was oblivious now I'm getting the sense from a lot of you mostly Alyssa that I'm getting the sense that you're all going Randy what's the big deal mushrooms are decriminalized in California I didn't know that so I'm like I can't check these mushrooms in the cops standing at the door looking at me there's no trash cans in the terminal I was like what am I going to do with these mushrooms and then it came to me I crouched down next to the next to the wall right and I put my bag down and I pretended to tie my shoelaces and then I just I ate them all of them that flight from California to Colorado was the longest three weeks of my life has been the rest of the day lying on the floor of an airport hotel in Denver just going free oh gosh when are you gonna grow up Randy unless you deprogram yourself at some point every choice you make as an adult is based on an idea you had as a child which is terrifying because children are [ __ ] idiots running around bumping into the furniture eating dirt you dedicate your life to just trying to keep them alive then they get a little bit of therapy in their 30s and suddenly it's your fault they punched a police horse and took a [ __ ] in a mailbox foreign and I have nothing against therapy I think everybody should do therapy I think it's a great thing I've done it most of my friends have done a lot of people my age have done therapy my father's generation [ __ ] no you wouldn't see a shrink unless you had a nervous breakdown which these days I believe the kids refer to as being honest with yourself and those around you [ __ ] snowflakes yeah but again not to [ __ ] on my father's generation you know my father's generation salt of the earth hard-working barbecue tongue wielding negative gearing pillars of repression the kind of men who can't help but point out the make and model of every single car that drives past oh it's a GMT XE CRV and yet really struggle with the whole lgbtqa plus concept don't get me started on those freaks they're taking up the entire alphabet oh look at that SUV yeah how are you going Alyssa you still having a nice time hey time are you about ready to have the other half or you did you go halsey's you had the whole thing was it what what form did it come in was it the gummy was it a brownie and yummy did you bring enough for everybody they were checking bags oh oh they didn't check bags but but this won't make it to the special will it helium aren't going to put a bid on watch Randy's helium special where he tells everybody how to smug druggles into the clock and also I'm not going to put in this special because I just said smug druggles that's the best the best drumble sounds like an informant from an 80s British cop film you must go down and see smug struggles he'll tell you he'll tell you what frame to catch by the morning we'll have this gasped through the [ __ ] oh I feel like I've had one no Don't Clap That at the moment Philly's like yes we were there when Randy had a stroke on stage smoke travels oh oh that really tickled me so I was at the airport and I was standing behind this man who was traveling alone with his two children which must be an absolute nightmare right his kids were hating it but he was hating it way more and I was standing behind him just waiting for him to snap and his kid's like Daddy I'm tired shut the [ __ ] up Danny I feel sick you were an accident I think I'm gonna and this kid just puked a bra right onto the airport floor right between me and the dad and I was like haha what's he gonna do here and he turned around and looked at me looked down at the vomit looked back up at me and then without breaking eye contact slowly reached behind him put his hand on his suitcase and just rolled it over the vomit foreign looked at me like you want to make something of that buddy no sir I salute you you kind of went with me on that I don't know if that'll make the special might not might end up on The Cutting Room floor there's a few things I can't really do and say you know on this but because we're filming you've got to kind of be a little bit conscious of where it's going to end up you know like I'm not going to say [ __ ] for example which is a real shame because if it's a term of endearment where I come from the power of a word stems from its history and I think that particular word is misunderstood as a word as an archaic descriptor for female genitalia the old sea bomb it's been in languages forever written language at least that we've had documented Egyptian European Norse Indian and at its Origins it's either a benign identifier or a term imbued with actual respect the Hindu nature goddess kunti for example or oppressive the Latin origin of vagina is sword sheath just was like that gentleman is where we shall holster our dicks so purpose Kant is so much more inclusive it's the whole clito urethro vaginal complex internal external labia perineum clitoris vagina the whole magnificent vulvic cornucopia and I just think it's a better word vagina sounds kind of redneck check out my vagina got me a vagina as opposed to this is my [ __ ] oh it's so crisp and so powerful I think it's misunder it's like a DJ at a wedding it has a lot of power but nobody gives a [ __ ] about its backstory hello there what's your name does yes how are you dads I'm really good thanks Dez what did you do to that death you played some video games any game is in the house pretty much on this tour I've pretty much managed to figure out what my crowd is that's the first time I've really toured like this in the states I've had some great shows didn't know what my crowd is like and I could just stand there at the door as people walk in going gamer gamer gamer gamer anime fan anime which I'm super into it's not a bad thing yes um what game were you playing dad Apex Legends all right you passed the test what else did you do today you've got a bird dad hasn't burned everybody oh what kind of bird is it literally I'm just digging my way to crowd work hell sorry everybody foreign nothing to do with you it's just like why am I doing crowd work at this point in the show we had a great interaction with the stoner up the front these people are clearly in some sort of weird [ __ ] up relationship there was no need for me to tell you sound lovely you've got a bird who's a lovebird you're playing games I've got no time for crowd work there's no point I don't know why I'm talking to you but you seem really nice again how do we get out of this who are you here with I don't know where my eyes are looking either this has been amazing I made such a nice time I've had a really great time on this tour I've done some really cool stuff in the states when I first when I first got here um I had a friend who lives uh just outside of Dallas and she has an RV like a motorhome and she asked me if I would like to borrow her RV for a couple of weeks to explore this beautiful country and I said you bet your bloody boots I would baby because I love a house on Wheels I love it go wherever you want stay wherever you want dinner Under the Stars breakfast on the beach it is my ultimate lifestyle for three days tops then I'm checking into a hotel because despite what you may think I am not a 75 year old retired I.T consultant counting down my Loveless marriage One Soul destroying road trip at a time a 23 year old rock climber on an Anthony bourdain-style tour of the West Coast's sexually transmitted diseases as soon as I went to pick up this RV and saw the dream catcher hanging from the rear view mirror I knew I'd made a terrible mistake it was a real pile of [ __ ] this card the seats covers smelt like Ayahuasca there was like a hole in the floor I could see the road through the floor the knob on the top of the stick shift was the head of a Barbie doll a okay at some point this van is going to become my fiery tomb can't wait can't wait for that can't wait to perish in a van I got in no gas it had just enough gas to get to the nearest gas station literally pulled up the gas pump and it went so I got out of the van and I went over to the gas pump instantly confused United States of America in the mines America instantly confused I'm not assassin man in Australia where I hail from we pump our gas and then we enter the gas station and we purchase the gas we don't prepay for our gas I'm not sure why there's a difference I think maybe because we're riddled with Colonial guilt whereas you are a nation of [ __ ] gas thieves happens but you know what with gas prices the way they are who can blame you am I right fun so I'm standing there trying to figure out how to use my card on this gas pump but my card wasn't working there was no button for filler up I didn't know how to work it and as I was trying to figure it out this man pulled up behind me in his truck like a full like truck and and I and I saw him pull that behind me and threw his windshield he was watching me just going foreign trying to get my card to work and I heard him through his windshield goat I knew it knew it looked out hard [ __ ] did you Nostradamus saw him clock the happens bumper sticker which was in stock contrast to his own bumper sticker that read land of the free but Freedom ain't free and you can't put a price on freedom with a picture of an eagle laying a grenade like an egg and I was like ah anyway the pump wasn't working and he was like staring at me so I was like [ __ ] I'm gonna have to go in so I went into the gas station I locked the RV before I went in because if people are stealing gas they're sure as hell going to be after my vegan snacks into this gas station and working behind the register was this ashtray of a woman who yeah let's pause to let that description sink in for a second I said my card is not working can I pay for it in here and she said actually the terminals down it's rebooting can you pay with cash I said I don't have any cash and she said well you'll just have to wait and as soon as she said you'll just have to wait the man out there in the truck jumped on the horn which is another thing you people do very well in this country there's no such thing as a beep beep it's always like and she said oh all right look just go and move your RV and I said I'll stop you there it's got no gas in it the reason I'm here here now and she said oh okay look I'll unlock the pump just leave your car keys and a truck driver next to the coffee machine turned around and said I wouldn't be giving her my car keys she'd been drunk since 1984. so I left my car keys I go back out there by the time I get back out there the guy is now standing next to his car and he's very impatient and I know he's impatient because as I get to the gas pump he says hurry up [ __ ] and I'd had enough at that point I said all right I'm doing it all right I'm doing it just shut up you [ __ ] got the nozzle out of the gas pump [ __ ] tell me how to [ __ ] pop cat turn around shut the [ __ ] up [ __ ] you man [ __ ] you and then I realized that I locked the RV before I flipped the switch to open the gas tank so now in front of this Furious Texan I had to gingerly return the nozzle to the pump without pumping gas which is the gas station equivalent of erectile dysfunction I ran back into the gas station yelling over my shoulder I'm so sorry this has never happened to me before I go back up to the register I say can I please have my car keys and she said but you didn't pump any gas I said I know because I forgot to unlock my gas tank and she said huh you should have just paid with cash I grabbed the car keys I went back out now there's three men waiting to use my pump all very very angry all open carrying I was like oh I'm gonna get buried in the desert so I unlocked the car I flipped the gas tank open I start pumping the gas and these guys start circling my car like jackals get a move on hippie we ain't got all day hey nice dream catcher I was like oh my God please I don't want to die in the desert I finished pumping the gas I put the nozzle back in the gas pump they're like get out of here yeah happy I was like oh sweet Jesus I jumped in the van I spit away shaking it took me about 45 minutes to calm down which is when I realized I left without paying for the gas I did not go back Alyssa would you say that your use of drugs is uh at a religious level yeah do you know what I mean when you have a hobby and it flips over into a religion like when interest becomes Obsession we all have these things we all have them everybody's got something that they turn into a religion it's all about what we choose to make our Gods our personal Gods work Family Sport love food politics drugs pets Tick Tock Fitness shame Benedict Cumberbatch whatever's your poison you lose people to these Pursuits as if they've disappeared Into the Wilderness and joined a cult it happens all the time study is the classic example I never went to college but I have had many friends just evaporate for four years and then reappear with the diploma and a prescription for antidepressants and I've switched Gods a bunch of times I always change up my gods you know it's good to be aware of them mix them up a booze was my God for quite some time I was into the booze for a bit got rid of that um sex was my God for quite a while used to be a real [ __ ] but then you know one day you just catch yourself taking a [ __ ] on the chest of a 37 year old man while his wife watches on in the corner dressed in an ill-fitting Harley Quinn costume and choking herself on a dragon dildo and and you think I've probably clocked this might be time to take a step back as you all did during that description oh I didn't come to Philly to have my yum yucked [ __ ] you people I'm single and traveling around I don't really get to date it's not really a thing I don't there's not really any point you know what I mean like I just I don't stay anywhere long enough it's sort of weird like a typical date with me these days is hi my name's Randy I'm a 41 year old anti-child commitment folk and I'm leaving town tomorrow cut to the bedroom oh my God I'm wasting your time you like the way over it you guys have been amazing this has been such a fun time I've uh I've had foreign I was in Canada just before I came out here by the way did you just boo Canada it's cool although you know what you know what if you ever want to piss off a whole bunch of Canadians at once announce a North American tour with no Canadian dates on it oh they hated me so much it was the best try that I am going to go to Canada but I just didn't put any Canadian dates on my tour dates and they were like oh you forgot about us you forgot about her anyway um so I was in uh one person make it to this special he'll get canceled in Canada so I did what the what was that foreign all I need to do is wait for the love to die down and then for someone to go [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] did you really did you distribute some of those gummies it sounds like anyway I did a gig in on Brampton just to [ __ ] off I gotta give everybody credit for how quick they are on that it's gonna I yeah what's that weapon what'd you say what what was that measurement what was it what which what did he say I'm not gonna be mean to you I just couldn't understand you I feel like there might be some Pearls of Wisdom being thrown at the stage like bullets of intelligence and if I don't stop the show and go back rewind to hear your words clearly and eloquently I might be missing out on something that might change my entire perspective please tell me what the original bread was he likes gigs is in going to comedy shows oh well that's Lovely isn't that nice I also heard someone go is that there's someone in your party just going let it go he'll move on if you don't say anything I am moving on for no one we're doubling down on this one what is it about gigs that you like sir elaborate on it Giggs discuss no you're not he doesn't [ __ ] yells out he doesn't get to phone a friend if he's not ready to back it up and talk to the man he went balances what did you do today sir we love you Randy oh I love you too yeah I love you Randy you're like everyone's like ah that little Full House Jean in you kicks in and you all turn into a studio audience see this is a good gig the one I did him the one I did in Brampton I came I came out at the start and I spoke to a woman in the front and I said who are you here with tonight and she said no one and I said see that everybody comedy's for everyone even people who can't get laid nobody laughed and then I proceeded to eat [ __ ] for 56 minutes straight no laughs it was icy cold they hated me after the show I went up to the manager I said I don't know what happened and she said oh you know that lady that you spoke to at the start yes her husband died and I said oh my God no when and she said 2013. I'll get over it Brampton back thank you Philly
that's pretty sure appreciate it appreciate you know what are your pre-share rituals well ordinarily they're not running around on the street like a maniac bring it in bring it in are you serious bring it the [ __ ] in oh my God how you doing man I can't believe it either do you want one yes we did it I mean this is fun times but we're also amazing that's the best will you get in there you have a good time thanks for coming it's gonna be a good time good crowd good crowd looking like a good crowd It's Gonna Be Good Times ah hello this is the closest I've come to some sort of weird Paparazzi experience what are you doing there filming ruining the [ __ ] magic look at you you could set your watch to that haircut it's magnificent this is the club this is where it all happens we're all good for you people a few heads it's gonna be good all right let's do this let's do this thank you so much I suited up for the occasion you're likable oh you're likable as well we're both very likable come over here and hug me on camera look how likable we are look come look at this so likable thank you yeah I've got covered next question where is this interview going by the way where is this ending up this footage the conversation oh and that's just a little cool little backstage chat talking about being at the club having a nasty you know what I'm excited about this room being full of humans very soon they're going to be laughing and having a nice time not so keen on my feature act Rand Barnacle bit of a [ __ ]
2022-08-04 19:34
