DIRRTY 2.0h! 1 hour Comedy Special - Elena Gabrielle
[Music] free your mind [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the extra hours for the R rating and that's because that's how Christina Aguilera spells it yeah stupid can't spell dirty but can spell her last name what doesn't make sense quick right at the top of it but it is welcome to dirty uh I wrote this show this is dirty 2.0 I wrote the original dirty about six years ago but I started that show very differently I started that show completely naked thanks for your laughter thank you yeah just relief in the back and laughter thank you so much uh it was Art it was theater guys but I started that show completely naked except except except for a little fake vagina covering my real vagina and it was covered in swarovskis yeah so unfortunately so you don't get to see my vagina tonight uh you look very happy about that or maybe you will [Music] you don't know it's good I wrote this show so there's a dirty 2.0 I wrote this show two years ago when I went through a breakup I went through a breakup in 2020 March 2020 March 13th 2020. and I had this real dilemma it was either like stay with my ex I'll move back in with my parents yeah I chose my ex uh and then I lasted about a week and then I had to move back with my mum and with mum and dad and I don't know if anyone here in the mid-30s that's ever been to a sex party if I had to move back into their childhood bedroom in their single bed right next door to their parents nothing nothing makes your vagina dry then moving back in with Mum and Dad just moisture gone so true you're my people thank you for coming uh and I do I have to move back with my parents and the worst thing about moving back in with my parents during lockdown is that I was there live in Tech assistant for three and a half months right because that's it like my mom would always ask me she's like Eleanor I don't know how to do it how do you do this and I was like Mom just do what everyone else does look it up on YouTube okay and then my mama just hear it she's like oh my God can learn anything on YouTube it's like welcome to technology parents uh but I did I went through a breakup my ex was a fuckboy all right and we know what a fuckboy is see all the straight women and gay men are like all the straight men are like what is it what is a fuckboy you you are a boy it's like boy boy what you gonna do what you gonna do when they come for you run away but we don't because we got daddy issues and my mom is a boomer she doesn't understand the lingo so she's like Eleanor I just don't understand like what you keep going with these boy I'm like mum it's boys she's like I know you just gotta stop with the boy I'm like please stop saying it like that because I 100 know she's going into work on Monday just being like Eleanor is boy again I'm gonna get arrested that's what's gonna happen that's right and the thing is like when you go through a breakup everyone always gives you those like same dating cliches you know these breakup cliches like you know to try and make yourself feel better and I don't know if you know this one it's very common um which is um go out there and everyone them all all his friends his mum his dad everyone like thanks for the advice mum but we're in a global pandemic okay I don't really want to be labeled as a super spreader you know it's not I don't want to like put that on my LinkedIn profile you know but actually and like when it don't worry he's got to go through that bad guy and you'll find your prince charming yeah you just gotta kiss the Frog and you'll find your prince yeah just gotta go through that and you'll find your Prince Charming I'm like do you mean anal because if that's the case I will Lube myself up for love right like like fist deep I will do it and I just made eye contact with you sir and it was really awkward or maybe it wasn't is that your girlfriend she's gonna hiding holding on oh no you dropped your hand away you're like you know what if you want if you want her to fist you go along go do it uh very good I'm happy for you guys are just like sitting there too so happy but I do I hate these like these dating cliches like and like for me it was like when you date a bad person or you die like date a toxic person you sort of get used to it you get conditioned to it and I'm worried that my next boyfriend will be someone like Joe Exotic right and you laugh but I'm 100 serious right because I work in the Arts it's highly plausible uh like because like when meet people you know it's either like dating apps it's like maybe like through sport or it's work right like clap if you've slept with someone that you work with the whole room should be clapping this is brilliant uh all right cool yeah sleeping if you slept with someone you work with yeah [Music] [Applause] yeah see although all the women are clapping all the men are like I'm gonna take note of that uh so what happened did you like did you get a raise or did anything like happen or was it awkward did you have to like quit like what what happened nothing oh I just faded I didn't become awkward didn't have to get a new job not a little bit oh you left was the sex that bad it was just like was it good sex though it was [Music] the kissing was bad okay like I like that what kind of work do you work in what's your what's your field with children let me just say what she said she said now I work with children uh I'm taking I hope that English is not your first language uh so now you work with Children what did you what did you do before that uh bartending oh okay oh so it was just like oh yeah everyone's like everyone in Berlin's like I a bartender and it's bad uh because you always think you're gonna like all you get is free drinks and you're drunk and then you see them and you're like this is gonna be great it's not it never is don't bartenders except Anya she's great uh yeah yeah yeah I've never Anya but I've heard I've heard she's good so I know so uh it's good we're all we're all Comics we all know uh but it's a good time it's uh it's good okay so you yeah okay now you work with children uh have you no no I mean not with the children I hope uh but like with like is there anyone in like the interest or it's mainly or women that you work with no you also like women because they're like oh are they good with kids oh yeah you got a dream job girl is it good there's no one that takes you fancy at work now no okay what about you you've slept with someone you work with no never that's a lie what do you do what's your job in a museum I love that you guys are more interested in that job than the shower you're like well oh what what museum do you work at in children oh they're like yes free to Free tour yeah and are you are you single okay I can guarantee that this weekend you're gonna have like 20 single women on your tour he's quite good looking ladies and he's wearing a little like Sesame Street she's clapping uh and now I'm wondering is there something are you friends or your sister that was the last thing I was expecting for Berlin uh to bring whose idea was the show oh it's your birthday happy birthday [Applause] what's your name Morris Morris Moritz yeah yeah it's super German I know I dated a boy called maritz uh it's in the Florian or Moritz uh I just love it because it's just like yeah Moritz I have the best idea for your birthday I'm going to get VIP tickets yeah to the front row of a show called Dirty I work with children it's okay it's fine well happy birthday Moritz uh yeah give more it's a round of applause happy birthday [Applause] I know because I think it's like because he's just like I imagine it's just kind of like you know like I'm here you're there the desk is there like at work you're like let's just go for it got five minutes on our lunch break let's go yeah I don't know I've never worked in an office can you tell it's very it's very clear uh but I was talking to my German friend the other day and I love my German friend she's always got great advice very very direct got very good advice for me and I asked her I'm like do you work with the people do you sleep with the people that you work with and she's like oh no I only sleep with guys who work in it but sometimes if I'm feeling a bit frisky I like to sleep with guys who work in finance [Music] [Applause] I'm like what the is wrong with you right I don't I don't sleep with people who work in I.T or Finance because I work in the Arts I've been working professionally in the arts for 14 years so the people that I sleep with are people like strippers naked magicians clowns I had sex with this clown one night sorry that's just my favorite sentence to say out loud uh I had sex with this clown one night and I you know he comes into the bedroom completely naked and just goes and then continued to make no noise the entire time we had sex right and I'm like are we are we miming this like didn't work out I know I thought dating apps would get better during the pandemic did you guys think I thought they would I thought they were not in Berlin uh it's weird now because when you're swiping uh on this is this is completely from like a heterosexual male perspective I'm looking at it it's just like there's like the first photo was him with his sunglasses on the next photo is him with his mask on so you have to screenshot both photos and cut and paste them together like a forensic scientist right but true I always wonder I'm like why do guys wear their mask in their dating apps like I don't I don't understand it it's right it's just like this and then I was like oh actually that's all we're going to see when you go down on us that's all that matters it's all about the eyes you know it's what kind of eyelashes have you got you know but it's good but I was back with my parents and uh I was like really I was really lonely and desperate when I was back with my parents and I decided I was like oh I'll just get back on Tinder right now what you got to know about my parents is they live in a on a massive Farm in the middle of nowhere right so I downloaded Tinder but I had to put the distance to the maximum distance to try and find the nearest person and even then the only person that came up was this guy that I used to have sex with in high school his name was little Benny he's about four foot tall four four five I don't know with ginger hair and no one else would him but me that's a lie no one else would me but him I was ugly in high school but I'm hot now so I can say it and thank you I wasn't fishing but thank you uh and he always like he always always used to ask me in the bedroom and sorry bedroom makes me sound classy I mean on the bathroom floor of my friend's place right he'd always ask me like just he put a finger in me can you put a finger in me bomb like a little like do you like morons do you like a little finger in the butt you do you're admitting that to your sister I love it she's like fine what about you fist do you like it or you prefer the fist with the finger no I know I can just hear your just go no I'm I'm I'm good they're like little no little no like have you ever tried like a little like like a little grub just trying to like I mean not with these fingernails let's be honest uh yeah she's like oh no I don't know because like when he asked me I was like I was a 16 year old girl at a Catholic or girl school I know makes sense right and I was like I'm I'm never gonna put a finger in a butthole like that's disgusting like ew that's so great like look at these nails like I'm never gonna do that it's so gross like you'll know growth it was the same thing when I said the third guy I have sex with I'm gonna marry and it was also the same thing when I said I would never do illicit drugs I'm never going to do speed or Molly or cocaine like I'm never going to do drugs like that because drugs kill people and I'm a good girl I know we're going to do Dragon Ball good girl I'm never gonna do drugs I don't want to die early I don't need to do anything Flash Forward to me now snorting coke off guy number 55 stick with a finger in his butthole you know times change I'm kidding I don't know the number anymore but it was tough man and there's a moment there's a moment in your 30s when you look at your parents and you're like that is my future and you realize you're slowly turning into your parents right and I know I'm like my mom and I'll tell you about that in a sec but I never thought I was like my dad until this moment right my dad's a super Aussie guy right and he's got this mentality that if you pay for something you've got to do it yeah if you pay for something you're gonna see it through yeah so when we were a kid we went to a theme park and it was pouring down rain and I was like Dad I don't want to go on the roller coaster let's Point around and do it he's like shut up we paid for it we're doing it foreign and I know I'm turning into my father because during lockdown like we couldn't go out and buy any clothes like you couldn't go to h m lazara or any of these places so you had to do everything online right so I did this thing where I went online and bought all my clothes but I bought them a size too small because I was like oh I'll get fit and locked down best joke I ever told myself right so then I came out of lockdown lockdown and I'm wearing these jeans with like a size too small and like the muffin top are just like hanging over or sorry the brioche in French I love the French language I uh I was living in France last year and when I moved down there this french guy was talking to me and he's like Elena you came from Germany with this is the what you know ah you know Elena's and Nazis is Italy oh Hitler how the do you make Hitler sound good right can use that on YouTube is yeah you're welcome uh and then I was like you know the other thing that the French makes sound really good now hear me out on this STDs right now now I feel a bit sorry for yesterday's the last couple of years you know because like everyone's worried about that other virus yeah they're all they're all getting swabbed up here instead of swab down there you know so I think I think STDs need to have a bit of a Rebrand okay and I think we should just say them all in French right because it sounds better you know because you can say it in English like oh I have hepatitis people like gross I told said in French I have Appetit it's cute yeah or even like even better okay because like herpes has a pretty bad stigma like if you say if you're trying to date someone and you say you have these people like gross don't talk to me like that's so great I don't want to talk to you say it in French High fashion it's expensive now I get that that's a very very Niche High fashion joke but it's my favorite joke of the show right so next time you go to like a really fancy airport and you see like Hermes right and then you're like oh amazed oh her base Ah that's a joke that Ellen was saying I know it's a slow burn just like obese uh but it's difficult uh so yeah I was uh I've been letting I've been learning French I was like this and so I was uh also now this is the other reason why I know I'm like my I'm like my mom and my mum is this kind of crazy person who bases all of her judgment based purely on star signs horoscopes right so like she used to hire all of her staff she used to work ironically in a in a lab testing STDs uh and she used to hire all of her staff based on that like based on the star signs right and her compatibility so I'm sure someone came in and like his cured cancer she's like no he's a Leo right so every time I would bring home a guy the first question my mum would ask me is not like where is he from what does he do is he a serial killer because it's Australia you have to ask that question right the first question she would ask is what's his star sign yeah so the first guy I brought home I was super excited I was like it was my first boyfriend I was like mum this is Matt Matt this is mum took one look at him just I'm like oh he's a he's a Scorpio and she's like oh no Elena you're a Scorpio he's a Scorpio both the same not gonna work right I was like buy that right the second guy I brought home I was super excited I was like Mom this is Alex Alex this is mum right she's like star sign I was like oh he's a he's a Sagittarius and she's like oh no you don't want someone like your father by Alex right and at this point at this point I learned by the third guy and I just were introduced on my way mum this is Taurus Taurus this is mum mum took one look at her and just goes a Taurus I was like Mom what is so horribly wrong with the Taurus like we've been through 11 of the other star signs like this this is my last chance and she's like well Eleanor you know who was a Taurus who Hitler sorry is it there Adam's standing there like uh I'm Jewish didn't last right but it was tough it was tough for being back then the other reason I wrote this show is this show is called Dirty and it's from one of my favorite albums of all time which is Christina Aguilera's trip do we know it like the yeah it's like an incredible album because I think music music does help shape us it shapes US during our adolescence during our teen years because the stuff that we listen to sort of like feeds in to our brain and conditions us and for me like stripped is like one of my favorite albums and there was two albums that sum me up completely and they helped shape my adolescence the first one was Christina Aguilera's stripped right which is an incredible feminist album incredible feminist album with such amazing hits This Can't Hold Us Down fighter beautiful perfect yeah the other album that shaped my adolescence was the anti-feminist album The Eminem Show with such wonderful lyrics As put Anthrax on some Tampax and slap her till she can't stand and misogynistic poetry right there right and I think if you had to write a character report about me Elena Gabrielle these two albums sum me up completely I was like you know I was like oh yeah she's totally a feminist with a little bit of a daddy complex for guys with bleach blonde hair because it wasn't just Eminem it was also Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter why does everyone laugh when I say that countless shows around the world I say that and everyone's like you guys uh but I did I was obsessed with Draco Malfoy the guy that played uh Draco Malfoy which is Tom Felton obsessed right and I had this great idea back in high school when I was about 14 that I was gonna add every variation of Tom Felton at hotmail.com to my Ms and Messenger right now I also also have this Theory I have a hypothesis that Millennials we have like we are the worst daters right gen Z I think they've got a little bit more under control Gen X they're they seem to be doing okay but I think Millennials we are up right and I have a hypothesis and I believe it's because we have trust issues which stem back to chat rooms random chat rooms in the early 2000s do you remember going on random chat rooms in the early 2000s and you would just log on to some like random chat room where no one used their real name right and you would ask some random like ASL age sex location and then be like 19 billion male and you're like oh that checks out you're 100 not a pedophile they were pedophiles right because no one used their real name on the internet back in the early 2000s like does everyone remember their first Hotmail account doesn't remember their first what was your first what could you remember black angel yeah it was like pink princess at hotmail.com right like you
never use your real name like this is you know we all wanted to be anonymous on the internet like my my first email on the Hotmail address which I created when I was 10 by the way was oh I see you need ecstasy at hotmail.com I was 10. okay and I still don't know if I meant ecstasy the drug or Ecstasy Sex I don't I don't really know but I'm just glad I never got arrested uh so I was obsessed with Tom Felton so I went on to MSN Messenger one day and I added every variation Tom dot Felton Tom underscore Felton Tom Felton hotmail.com because in my mind my 14 year old crazy mind I was like oh Tom Felton will get onto his MSN Messenger see a random request from oh I see you need ecstasy at oldmail.com
and accept that request and we'd be together for the rest of our lives right so one day I when I added them all you know I got on I got on the internet this is like back in the early you know the 2000s we had to like take the cord from like the kitchen from the phone and like go through the lounge room and then like plug it in right and then sit there and dial up internet for like 12 hours dad wanted to use the phone I'm like off Dan I'm a computer right so I sat there two weeks I was on MSN Messenger I was waiting for Tom Felton to come online one day I eat a stitching Tom Felton has added you as a friend yeah I bet you didn't see that coming did you guys right I'm like oh my God I did and I was so excited I got in there this was the happiest day of my life I like spoke to him like Hey and he's like hey and I was like what time is it in London he's like I don't know seven o'clock I'm like and then my dad took out the internet and that was it right and we never spoke again I know I was devastated but it was the happiest day of my life I told all my friends and then six years later at graduation right we're all sitting around in a circle or 200 girls and we all had to stand up and talk about our best day of high school so I got up like a idiot right and I was like um yeah so my favorite day of high school was in year eight when um you know Tom Felton the Harry Potter movie star yeah um he added me on MSN and we spoke thank you the room went silent just like that uh and then my best friend she pulled my dress she's like just yeah oh we're gonna we gotta tell you something it's like what she's like that was us I was like ah you right uh we're not friends anymore don't worry guys uh but I do I think we trusted too many people so that's what I like to just like to blame my friends on my dating life right but it was a weird time to date during covert during the like 2020 2021 and I was I was gaslit by covert because I was convinced convinced I needed to date an Italian man now I'm half Italian half Australian which basically just means I like pineapple and pizza that's it uh that's all you gotta know about me and I did say that when I did the show in Italy and I got death stares so I made it out alive uh but I did I was convinced because like I wanted someone who knew like the the upbringing you knew the family everything like this so I was I was gasoline I was like okay I'm gonna date an Italian guy but the first time I dated an Italian guy didn't go down very well it was about 10 years ago and I was at University and I was studying in the north of Italy and this guy was my host brother not the weirdest part of the story right so I was studying in the north of Italy he lived in this wine valley he drove an Alfa Romeo convertible and I was like oh my God I am totally pre-loving the out of life right now right and we had this passionate love affair I called him my Italian lover right and I have to say it like that because if I say it with my Australian accent like Italian lover just doesn't sound as good you know but we did we had this passionate love affair right last for six weeks and then I had to leave uh to go back and finish my studies in Australia and I came back a year later to rekindle our love affair right so I came back a year later right and we're like on the first day that I arrived we had this massive family too right and I arrived and he was introducing to his whole family he's like Elena this is my mama my papa my no no no nobody's known first second third fourth fiftieth cousin right I'm like ciao ciao thank you and the good thing about Italy is that if you up their names everyone's called the same four names right it's like Maria Marco Perfecto okay so the end of the night I was so jet-lagged and I just wanted to go home to sleep right and I I couldn't find Davido which was his name and I couldn't find him so I found his friend and I found his friend in the corner I was like hey um like where where's David because I want to go home and he looked me dead in the eyes and just goes and you know is bad when an Italian says your name three times in a row right he's like guess he's uh upstairs are committing uh what do we call here in Italy um incesticide and I'm glad you're shocked right because I did tell that story in Munich and they were like yeah my cousin last night yeah yeah they're good [Music] it's it's really true uh and I was like incesticide I was like but wouldn't that be like the anti-inscest thing you know like your cousin's again trying says decide clearly the irony is lost on Italians right so I was like incesticide and then I thought back to my own Italian upbringing with my Nonna she used to say to me like yeah keep it in the family I was like is that what that meant right so I called my cousin the next day because I was so confused I was like is this like is this a thing do I miss on out on this during like Italian school and she's like as see Elena we have a saying here in Italy which is a non-chakosina which basically just means there is nothing more Divine than your cousin and I don't know about you Berlin but I can think of things that are way more divine than my like doing my taxes like that's more divine right so I was put off by dating uh Italian Guys for 10 years right but I thought you know what like if some if an Italian guy comes into my life in the next six months or whatever or maybe in the future I'll give him a go right so it was the end of 2020 I was doing a show here in Berlin and this guy slid into my DMs which is how all good Millennial dating stories start and he was like my name is Marco I just saw you perform and I'm Italian you're Italian I think we would be perfect together you know I want to take you out we go on my motorbike I take you out we have pizza we have tiramisu it'll be Perfecto I was like okay now this guy had a like a private profile and he had the like he had a photo but he was on like a motorbike that was like super far away and you know ladies you've got to protect yourself right so I was like ah ciao mockery thank you so much that's really kind of you um to invite I'd love to come out on your motorbike you know that sounds great um but I'm just letting you know that I'm just like I'm not looking for anything right now okay like I'm not I'm just out of a relationship I'm not looking for anything so this is not a date okay not a date not a date but he thought it was a date so it doesn't matter what I thought right so we go out on his motorbike right we go out we have so much pizza and so much tiramisu to the point where I had to like unbutton and unzip you know partly also because I was still wearing the jeans that were a size too small I was like you paid for the melon you gotta wear them yeah lucky it was like winter so I had to like you know have a big coat on right and at the end like we're at the end of the the pizza in the tiramisu he was like Elena would you like a batchy chocolate you know those little Bunchy chocolates with the little like things in it and I was like oh no like I'm I'm really full I'm good and he's like no Elena decibatchi chocolate I was like no I'm like I'm I'm good and he's like no Elena take a batchy chocolate and I was like is it laced with something right so I took one and I ate it and I was like oh do you want me to have another one he's like no no one is okay I survived it's fine uh so I went home and I wasn't really feeling it with this guy but you know it was like it was billion it was like November 2020 it was depressing like you know I live alone just out of a relationship and you know I got lonely and you know when you look lonely and there's that little like lonely voice tells you to do stupid that voice came to my head and it was like you don't like this guy but why don't why don't you just invite him over on the weekend you know like like maybe on Saturday night just invite him over like what else are you gonna do with your time you're going to sit on a tick tock for four hours like what else are you gonna do just invite him over and then maybe we'll get a story out of it then you can tell it on stage in two years time to capitalize on it like maybe you could do that so I invited him over and he came over on that Saturday and uh and I invited him to my place because I knew where the knives were and because you know we couldn't do anything else couldn't go out to a restaurant we couldn't go out for a walk because we'd freeze to death so I was like okay come over right so he comes over to my place and I open the door and I'm like [Music] and he's standing there like a typical Italian man had a little comb over a little scarf little double-breasted jacket tight skinny leg jeans and then the shoes with the no socks [Music] you know the shoes or the no socks ladies and you just see it and your vagina's like I'm good uh because like really like I don't give a I don't care aesthetically if guys want to relive their Victorian era fantasy right like get their ankles out drive less women crazy okay I don't give a what I care about is what's gonna happen when those shoes come off right because either two things are gonna happen right and I don't know which is worse right the first one you know he takes them off and he's not wearing socks uh and the smell you know the smell that'll come because no one ordered 24 year old mature parmigiano reggiano for the table you know but the second one which I think is even worse is like when he takes them off and he's wearing sockets a grown man wearing sockets there is nothing I'm sexier than a grown man wearing sockets actually no there he is it's when they're grown men are wearing those five finger toe shoes to go running right those things are worse man so I was like you know what if I come here so he comes in and he's he's also holding this massive massive bouquet of roses right I know at least 80 euro worth of roses and I was there and I was and I was like I had this like visceral reaction because I've never dated a romantic guy before so I didn't know what to do I was like huh Alice right because like like my expectations of men are so low right like below sea level expectations you know like my kind of guy is a guy that will like come on your stomach and not wipe it up right okay foreign [Music] like I didn't know what to do so he hands me these roses I'm like oh thank you so much he's like see Elena these are for you he's like they are from the only florist in Berlin that lets me in what because I can't see Elena I've been banned from every florist in Berlin because I am so picky about my floral arrangements huh I'm sorry how the do you get banned from a florist right being into a florist like they are the most passive beautiful people on this planet you know like you could literally murder someone in a florist and they'll be like oh it's okay I'll clean it up don't worry yeah I've got the Roses right here do you want to have the funeral right now oh yeah so I was like oh thank you right so take the roses and I put them down and then he's like ah and also Elena I have a gift for you because I know how much you love glitter and I'm like huh okay okay he's like see Elena I made this for you so he hands me this little canvas bag right with a giant glitter like e on the front and I was like oh it's so observant so I take the bag and I open it and I pull out this little photo frame right and this photo frame is covered covered in silver glitter this guy's gone to Bauhaus he's bought paint glue glitter sorry a straight man has bought glitter can we just lock that one away right I was like and he sat there and he's just had he's had a craft noon in my honor right just sitting there like he's Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel like Elena's going to love these right and I was like oh thank you and so I turn over the photo frame what's inside bar Chi chocolate wrapper that I ate a week earlier yeah this guy's in my house okay and I was like aha that's so cool kind right sorry I take it also if you want to see it you can check out my Instagram it's on my main page so you can see there's a photo of it because it does exist uh he tried to comment on it but I blocked him uh foreign just in case someone wants to commission him for some work uh so I put I put the photo frame aside and I was like oh thank you thank you so much so kind of you right so we sat down and I made risotto and we're eating risotto and drinking wine and wine always leads to good choices um and we were sitting on the couch drinking some wine and that that little lonely voice came back into my head and it was like Eleanor no you don't like this guy um but water why don't you just give him a bit of a kiss yeah like why don't you just give him a kiss because like maybe he'll be an amazing kisser and it'll just redeem all that creepy that he's just done yeah so I kissed him um I don't know if anyone here has ever kissed someone where it feels like the mother bird is regurgitating food back into the baby Bird's mouth right you know what Sarah's like like the back muscles got involved you know like I could taste the risotto like that's where we're at I know so I was like so I asked him to leave politely I was like you know what Marco please leave like I you know I'm not feeling it right and it was fine he left and uh the next day I got a text message from him uh and he's like ciao Elena thank you so much for the date I was like not a date uh he's like but can you tell me what was the Justin Timberlake song that was playing when we first kissed what are you going to do with that piece of information am I going to wake up tomorrow there's a full Justin Timberlake like glitter replica at the front of my house and he's saying with a Boombox like I'm bringing sexy back so I politely told him I was like look Marco I'm not I'm not interested right but he kept persisting he's like you know and I was like no like I'm not like I'm no and I didn't like for women sometimes we have to use the excuse of like oh I'm seeing someone for someone to like you know finally back off right as if we're someone's property and I was like no like I'm not feeling it right but he kept being so persistent and I started to realize why he'd been banned from every florist in Berlin right and I'm like they have a group chat and I want in all right I want I want into that group chat you know so I was trying to think of a way that I could politely let him down without you know without kind of being so mean and I was trying to think I was like oh okay I could text him that's you know that's a bit like I don't want to do that because it's you know kind of a bit informal and then I was like oh I could call him but I was like well it's going to open up a whole line of dialogue that I'm not ready for right and I was like oh maybe I'll just send him a voice message you know because that's like the kind of Middle Ground where you don't feel like a and I was like okay let's do that so I was trying to think of like what I could say to him and I was like um okay I was like oh uh um I'm I'm actually seeing someone right now um and me and my cousin are really happy and and I never heard from him again so isn't that great I know such a good story I don't know but it was tough man I just wanted like after like you know after the breakup because it was such a bad breakup I just wanted like you know I wanted a night of like hot passionate sex you know I just wanted someone to come in and like take me and just like you know fill the hole that my ex left literally and figuratively you know and lucky it's easy to find here in Berlin uh I'm pretty sure I can get it delivered before gorillas uh it's like drugs sex gorillas that's the order that it goes in right and I would and so I decided one night I was like I'll just get back on Bumble because I'm a feminist and uh I got back on Bumble and I matched with this guy and he was a rapper and I was like I'm totally gonna relive my Eminem fantasies right now right it's gonna be amazing I mean he was a SoundCloud rapper but we don't talk about that uh and so I was like super excited right and the banter was like so good we're like bantering back and forth you know when you have like really good banter at the start you're like yeah like this right and I was there and like and then and then he sent the first voice message Arthur not like the one I sent to Marco another one uh and you know when you first get their voice message and it's so intimate and you listen to it with like headphones on and you're there and you like listen to it and your brain's like any pussy's like like you're just ready for it right and things started getting really heavy like hot like right and he was like he's like yeah I'm gonna tie you up and I was like yeah time yeah yeah right he's like yeah I'm gonna whip you and I was like yeah with me right I was so excited right so I was like yeah bring over your backpack right right over from noiken bring over you your backpack come over to my place because again know where the knives are and and he comes over and I was so excited right and I open the door oh just judging the women in the audience right now right it's good we got some sympathy normally it's just like oh gross right I know because like this guy was shorter than me right now I have no issue with short guys most of the guys I've dated have been shorter than me at the same height or shorter and I think short guys are smart right got a lot of Ingenuity because they don't have to rely on six foot for personality you know right and I love it so like so I'll give you an example this one night I was having sex with this short guy standing up right um and he was going from behind and he was behind me and he was there and he was like like the pen wasn't touching the paper is what I'm trying to say right so then he's like don't worry and he goes away gets two buckets comes back I'm sorry for the bucket stands on the bucket is like and I was like yeah high five right a short guy Berlin uh but the thing was I wanted to be dominated this night and it's really hard to be dominated by someone when they're like yeah I'm gonna dominate you yeah good boy right so I was like you know what it let's just go into my bed right or going to my bedroom and then we'll lie down because at least we're not vertical we're horizontal and the height difference won't make a difference right so we get into the bedroom right it's got this little backpack right and he's getting ready and he's like getting stuff and you know I was getting ready for him to tie me to the bed but then I was like oh okay what you got to know about me is I have a really cheap IKEA bed frame right and there's nowhere to tie myself to set bed frame because unfortunately Ikea doesn't make a BDSM range but I think they should right it would make trips to Ikea a lot more fun uh and also I think they should they should call the line something like bondage yet um with a little o with the slash through it I think it would sell very well in Berlin uh and so I was trying to think and there was like nowhere to tie myself to this bed frame and then I was like oh and then but then I looked around and then I noticed I had like a lamp stand next to my bed and I was like oh just just tie me to the lamp stand right then and I was like oh I feel like Edward land pants right so I was like okay and like I've got my arms above right and I was like naked and like you know when you're trying to be all sexy ladies when you're like naked on the bed and like you just like leg over like Arch the back like down and then you think like you think your titties are gonna be stripper titties just like just perfectly just perky as just sitting there like mountains just like yeah and then they just flop to the side and you're like oh you want to join the underarm party tonight all right cool right are you just like flat-chested like hello belly so I'm there and he's getting the Rope right he's on top of me and he's getting all the robe and he's trying to like get like organized right and then he's like getting the robe and then he's like on top and he's got my arms and he's like hang on a minute and he goes away he gets his phone gets on YouTube puts on a video and of course he doesn't pay for premium so we have to wait the five seconds right and the first thing I hear is like hi welcome back to our Channel don't forget to like subscribe and ring the bell for notifications on it and then the whole time I just said my mom's voice in my head like oh you really can learn anything on YouTube so I was completely out of it at this point right and I was like you know what like it like let's just have sex right and so he looks me in the eye and he goes cool you want to do anal anal anal first aid anal first date I was like I have it coverts here I could die tomorrow let's do it right so we did anal and he's like oh have you got any lube and I was like oh I think there's like a little promotional packet in the the condom box that I got because like that'll be enough just one groin from the back uh so then he's there like trying to like fish it out like the last lube and like the last ketchup in a sachet right at McDonald's trying to get it out and the thing is like people always assume that I love anal like they always assume it right they're like oh you must love anal right because you're Australian and I was like I was like I think you're taking the down under a little bit too literally okay and I was like thinking like oh is it because of our convict past like that's why I was like oh don't drop the soap Barry Oh but I like it like that yeah stick it in but it truth is because like I'd never done anal before like I thought I had and you know I like it's that time when like he's going like really fast from behind right or she if she's got a strap on they're going really fast from behind and then they accidentally miss the hole and go into the other hole and then you both just black out from trauma the trauma across the room amazing like I like I just that was the only time I experienced it so I was like oh yeah fine it'll be fine right and I realized quite quickly that I don't like anal I don't like it um and it's a really bad time to realize that during anal uh but for me like I don't like anal for me it still feels like you've got a stuck in your and you can't get it out you know like like you I love this part of the show uh like you know when you go to the park and you see a dog take a and you lock eyes of the dog and the dog's a little bit constipated and it's there and this is coming out like so slowly and then it retracts a little bit and comes back down again that is what anal feels like for me and probably looks the same I don't know I just love someone just said disgusting I'm like the show is called Dirty uh I know and like so anyway I was like it the whole time we were doing animals like you know what Ellen I just leave this behind you in like because like my gay friends didn't tell me to prepare they didn't tell they forgot that one they told me how to suck a dick they didn't tell me to pray if I ain't all right so the whole time I'm like you know what just leave this behind you in 2020 like leave it behind you right just look to 2022 2022 is going to be a great year to flavor behind you in the like 22 thank you and yet sorry there's no climax to that story uh because anal uh just let it sit across the room but the funny thing was is that after that the next guy that came into my life I ended up falling in love with so maybe it's true maybe you do need to go through that to find your Prince Charming but it was a tough time because like my my ex and I we were it wasn't a very healthy like healthy relationship at all and uh we were actually I was supposed to get married in 2019. uh in uh yeah mid to 2019 and I was never that wedding girl like I was never that girl that wanted to get married right because he always had that one friend at high school that was like and here's my dream wedding book and I was like this is my dream penis book that's a lie uh I was still on MSN Messenger waiting for Tom Felton uh that's what I was doing but when my ex he asked me to marry him that little lonely voice in the back of my head it like it went away right and I knew like there were so many things wrong with the relationship but there was just the fact that someone loved me and wanted to marry me just kind of like made that little lonely voice disappear so we'd plan to get married we're going to get married in Vegas thank you for that judgmental silence you're like oh Vegas what did you think come on I know but I wanted to get married in Vegas just like Britney uh I mean her wedding lasted 55 hours and I was convinced that mine could last longer than that so we'd organized it was a very simple ceremony we're just gonna go uh and sign the papers no Elvis nothing like crazy and fancy just go in and sign the papers and that was it and so we organized it all paid for it all we flew into San Diego and the ongoing flight from San Diego to Vegas was canceled and you know like I I should have seen this as a sign like anyone who's been in a bad relationship you see these signs and you're like you know what just like do not do not go ahead with this wedding Eleanor do not marry this guy the sign do not go ahead with the wedding but because I'd paid for it so we hired a car drove so fast uh to Vegas made it there in time the wedding was at four o'clock uh and we got there an hour before and I was getting ready and I had nothing special I had a little simple dress nothing fancy um just to look very simple and I was doing my makeup and my ex came to me and he was like an hour before the wedding and he was like hey yeah I uh I I can't do this I'm like 80 sure I want to marry you know I was like what the is a 20 move that's what I said right 80 and I was devastated and I ran out of the hotel room I'm like ugly crying down the main strip of Vegas like I'm not just like like I was ugly cry like and this tells you everything you need to know about Vegas that no one no one blinked an eye right not even a child that's like mom is she okay no nothing right so I kept thinking to myself I'm like Ellen I just like go and find somewhere you can have like a mental breakdown call your mum and figure this out right so just somewhere calm somewhere peaceful so I ran into Caesar's Palace Casino and I sat there in a Starbucks which is ironically where this show was written uh and I called my mum and I decided that I was finally finally Gonna Leave This guy so I went back to the hotel room and I went back there and the thing about dating a narcissist or someone who's very good at controlling the situation uh he he knew what to say and he was like no but Eleanor like I still love you like we can we can work through this like oh like I'll do therapy you know like I'll I'll change and I I hate myself for this but I stayed and then 12 hours later he went off with another woman and the thing was is like I hate myself for that that I stayed and people look at me like oh wow like you're so strong like how did you end up in a like a toxic relationship and the thing is like anyone can I just wanted love I just wanted someone to love me and whenever my my ex would do something bad he would always be like oh no but how Ellen aren't like at least I don't hit you you know at least I don't hit you I can do all this up to you mentally that will take you years of therapy to unravel but hey at least I don't hit you right and it reminds me of this saying which is very prevalent in politics particularly at the moment which is tell someone a lie long enough and they'll believe it yeah you know there's tell someone to lie long enough and they'll believe it Eleanor I love you I want to marry you I'll change tell someone a lie long enough and they'll believe it and you know who else said that [Music] and I'm not comparing my eggs to Hitler but he was a Taurus uh and the thing is I always like people to leave my shows with some kind of like moral or some kind of like uh something that they learned from my show and I think the moral of that story is um always take the refundable wedding option that's it because I still have a coupon for a Vegas wedding uh to use but I I want to say a huge thank you to Cosmic comedy can you just give a deepma and Neil everyone here Anya everyone here at the show here in Berlin my second home [Applause] it's amazing they're super and before before you think that I'm gonna I'm Gonna Leave You on that real depressive Downer um I'm not don't worry uh I want to do something special for you guys so uh of course um I never got to get married of course you guys know that from the story um I never got to get married and I never got to wear my wedding dress so I'm wondering can I go and put my wedding dress on real quickly and do something special for you guys are you up for for that like lower your expectations just like my men just lower them these nails are like I put these nails on specifically for the show and that's why there won't be any anal fingering tonight uh single who the am I gonna anal finger tonight anyway uh anyway uh one time I was hooking up with an Austrian Soldier and he in my bed and wouldn't leave in the morning it is something between German and austrians I just did a show in uh in Austria on the weekend and like this show and I talked about the Hitler thing and I literally had this guy after the show come up to me and he's like 30 minutes was like I just need to tell you all that that Hitler was not Austrian he was he was German and I was like no he was he was Austrian right and I was like 30 minutes and I was like dude like just calm down I'm like it's fine like anyway uh do you want to bring the room down with another Hitler thing but anyway here we go I slept with the boyfriend of the girl I have sex with while she was on the floor next to us why was she on the floor like move that I had a dirty dream about my father oh [Music] Berlin are you okay lost a tooth while me and my partner can't remember how this happened is it more likely while licking or by the ass is that a rhetorical question or I don't really want to answer that uh if there's any uh doctors in the room maybe looking sometimes I make my friend's dog lick my feet by fooling him I I rubbed meat on them okay that's a whole foot finish gone wrong [Music] in Berlin I know because I got these shoes paid for me by some guy in the Internet it's true these shoes are I didn't pay for them there's some creepy guy was slid into my DMs all I have to do is call him my dirty little shoe but I'm so nice right and I'm just like you dirty little didn't you question mark uh anyway oh okay after the first time I slept with my now boyfriend very much in love I got drunk and called X and slept with him the same day got him out of my system oh okay you weren't together with your boyfriend at that point so it's fine uh dear comedian hello I don't know I'm just going to a comedy show I don't know who is this girl is dirty this show would be very confusing for you if you didn't know anything about me but that's fine okay dear comedian um I have a dysfunctional penis I don't know what's worse like I always get the thing it's either like he's short and with a micro penis it's always like he was short he had a micro penis like God forbid if you're short with a micro penis you uh not really but yeah uh anyway I have a dysfunctional penis it is extremely undersized oh no it's awkward I just when girls see it they either laugh or cry please help that's yeah okay uh okay I feel like we've got some really uh I don't really know how to answer that one uh we're just gonna move on uh I buy 50 grams of weed for my dad every second week what a cool dad right Neil's like that's a cool dad uh I was in a work meeting in a room with 20 people 30 of three of which I have had sex with nobody knew that's not yours okay either of you does anyone have a good like slept with their their like someone at work story you what happened yeah it was old but rich I mean you got it ah like a sugar daddy kind of thing oh I'm yeah and he was your boss yeah yeah I mean that's a good way to get a sugar daddy because if you go on sugar daddy websites that they're never good okay cool and like did you have to quit your job or did he you just moved on like it was it was like you dumped him you've got a younger version of me I mean I'm sure yeah oh like it was like on the way out like is he 80 like how old are we talking not that okay not that old I mean their penis still works it's just you have to like peel it back I'm talking as if I've been with someone who's 80 anyway uh when I was younger I used my mother's vibrator [Music] there's a lot of family sex stories tonight are we not your family not a family I'm kicking my partner's balls regularly it's the one thing that makes him horny the most and then she's just got like hahaha but like in capital is really big excellent [Music] I mean hey I've never had that before but like I would feel it was like I don't know a bad calling someone a dirty little shoe I don't think I can kick someone the person next to me got on top of me on an Uber ride on Saturday and we made out I put my finger up such a person's ass and the Uber driver was not happy did the Uber driver know or did you like pop it out like and they just like watched it on the window like he's like I'm gonna upload that to Pornhub later uh after breaking up with my first boyfriend uh during our vacation we had to fly back home together during the flight we joined the mile high club but never left our seats Fun For All right girl has anyone done the mile high club oh you have how did you do it uh turn some traffic fight oh Trans Atlantic so across to like America or like yeah I think um because they're like the air hose just as like watching like a hawk like did you did you do it in the bathroom when you did it like you did in the bathroom ew I like I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't every time I was like looking in the bathroom I was like I couldn't have sex in here like you know maybe that's because I'm flying like shitty ass Airlines everywhere uh in parents bed it's a common one I hear that all the time not with a brother or sister ah I have a boyfriend and I kissed another guy last week [Music] like dude that's that's Berlin uh the amount of people in open ethical non-monogamous relationships in this City oh my am I over it am I over it where are the people who just want like a normal boring ass monogamous relationship right they they exist in Berlin you know the kind of monogamous relationships where he's like on his phone and then he's just like doing this and you're like you know like that's the kind of sex you know like just that I want um I have a profile on a website for sex workers I don't show my face publicly on the site only after we chat long story short my best friend's straight husband husband contacted me P.S I'm gay you know my gay friends who like have seen like straight straight guys on dating apps is ridiculous so this is why I just got just got a finger on your butt you know you just gotta just gotta explore you're in the right Ci
2022-11-29 15:50
