Ted Nivison is Dead | The Funeral Roast
[Music] thank you first off I would just like to thank Ted's penis for taking that picture if I'd like to thank each of you for attending the memorial of Theodore Kennedy nivison Jr that's his full name I know that everyone thinks that Ted was this amicable nice guy people kind of think that about me too but the difference is I actually am Ted never sins more like Ted sins and if you don't believe me believe the data Eddie you joined him as you traveled across the country ate at every Rainforest Cafe location you know we all had a good laugh right not when you look at the environmental impact let's start with the carbon emissions that this stunt created okay Ted drove a 2002 Toyota Tacoma across the country and he estimates that this was a 10 000 mile trip the Toyota Tacoma 2002 model consumes and produces about 404 grams of CO2 per mile so if you do the math that's 404 000 grams of CO2 emitted or 890 pounds of carbon that was pumped into the atmosphere but it was so quirky right such a fun little video wrong think about the impact the EPA estimates and I look this up it's real fact you would have to plant 67 trees and let them grow for 10 years Ted before you offset your impact okay you destroyed you single-handedly destroyed 4.8 Acres of U.S forest to go visit a cafe inside of a fake rainforest that's what you did now this begs the obvious question why did Ted travel the country in a pickup truck what would he need to hold his big ass head no all you did was give us a viral Tick Tock sound and you filmed it for Content I looked up the price of gas when you filmed the video and I know you traveled the Continental us so I averaged the price it's about four dollars and 17 cents per gallon so the entire car trip costing this is just in fuel about Seventeen hundred dollars now with that money you made a funny little video but you also could have donated 680 meals to schools just saying no when you audited right now you know this is just one video people I want you to think about that his impact in one video now wait until you see the rest did you know that he's a Smuggler a labor exploiter and a historical revisionist I mean this guy smuggled milk into Coachella he made a video mocking people on the Fiverr app you know people who give their services out for five dollars yeah way to punch up dude yeah I love it five dollars for a skill and you make a video okay great thousand subscribers lucky for all of you my conscience is clear okay I'm obviously a good person and Ted is not and that's why I volunteer to be the next Ted cinnamon that's right Eddie you and me we're going to every single Rainforest Cafe and we're also gonna go to every single orphanage in America and adopt a child that's what we're going to do and we're taking all of them to Rainforest Cafe let's do it yeah cool let's do it now uh finally in honor of Ted I'd like to do one final thing since I went first I got the rest of this video to sit through so uh in honor of you Ted I'm gonna get highest Is that real I hope you stay dead [ __ ] Jesus ah milk uh I am I gotta be honest when I heard that uh Eddie Burt back was no longer with us I was crushed felt like I swallowed a cluster grenade full of Hornets in my tum tum and when I found out it was this giraffe of a clown oh I clicked my heels together in the air fry swiftly I saw your little Rainforest Cafe video there champ you and Eddie burback I love how in every Duo there is a pretty one and a funny one Eddie's both now some of you may be familiar with Ted's videos where he impersonates a Milkman and feeds milk to teens I'll never forget the day I found out about your little milk videos Ted I was depressed writing in my journal per use I wrote dear Dairy today was miserable hopefully tomorrow will be butter same entry every day for years [Laughter] but then my sick wife burst into the room and she goes honey honey she says uh good news someone is spreading the good word of mammal milk again for the first time since the Great War I felt joy and hope and then when I saw that comedy video of yours and your eyes aren't open but you need to know I put comedy in air quotes oh my stomach churned and that one is not a butter joke because lo and behold Lindsay Lohan behold making a mockery of people like me and all I stand for with this Milkman character again in air quotes because apparently to a character is any time you change outfits and then talk the same and actually while we're on the topic son that's Stolen Valor right there do you understand what I had to do the earn these stripes white and off-white do you know what these hands have done to bring you that sweet sweet utter shaft let's give credit where credit is due huh look at him look at this look at this bone structure look at this height you think he would have gotten as tall as you did without the sweet white m um if anything you owe your success to me and my kind you think your success comes from your personality oh I swear three inches shorter you would have never pulled that girlfriend you got Ain't No Way wouldn't have had a snowball's chance in Trinidad and trust me son I've seen snow [Laughter] do you even understand how hard it is what I do condensed milk I do that myself in the back of my truck I grab the milk with these hands these cursed tallest hands condense them to the density of a Dying collapsing star and feed them to good people for their Thai iced tea evaporated milk I wait for it to evaporate in the back of my truck and spit it back in the bottom of myself my breathing is all [ __ ] up because of it and you know what for the longest time I thought nut milk was going to be my biggest problem and my biggest competitor turns out it's this nut sack and I know I could have called you a nut case and that joke would have worked as well but one let's destigmatize poor mental health and two you are a human scrotum God you know what I would give up my right to vote to bring you back to life just right now just so I could hold your head into a tub of milk until the bubble stopped so how about I send you off to hell with a little bit of vitamin D vitamin D's Nuts not a whole lot of milk where you're going son milk all right thank you very much [Applause] [Music] what can I say about Ted that's actually a question what can I say about this guy I had to Google what Ted nivison is famous for nothing came up so I was forced to actually watch his videos and yikes sorry Eddie I know that's yours Ted's content is what I can only describe as Ted's friends contest this guy can't make a video by himself to save his life which is why he's gone let me give you a little breakdown of Ted's videos you've got Ted Cook's food with his funny friends Ted reacts with his funny friends Ted does a video topic that one of his funny friends is already done now some might say that's not fair Ted does videos by himself but I wouldn't know that because I don't watch them I kid I kid I couldn't watch his solo videos because I'm lactose intolerant um Ted makes videos about milk he makes merch about milk he goes to music festivals and forces milk on people I think Ted likes milk as a metaphor for how he squeezes the Udders of his more famous friends and the result is Bland ultimately which is why it's best served with Jay schlatt I mean cereal think of it Ted himself is like a glass of milk he's creamy he's white he's full of vitamin D I presume he's very tall that's a dick joke I don't know man I'm just here because Smosh was looking for one of Ted's personal friends to speak on his passing but unfortunately they were all busy doing blackface so you've got me oh my God Ted's only black friends looking out over the bright white faces of the crowd I see how love Ted was by white people come on guys you could have invited the ones black Smosh member um I joke so let's raise a metaphorical glass of disgusting cow juice to our dear acquaintance Ted cheers [Applause] my name is Dale junglesson and I am the CEO of Rainforest Cafe some of you might know the Rainforest Cafe has been slowly dwindling due to Rising global temperatures sorry due to shitty food and subpar service there was always hope that with the right technology and activism we could get this thing turned around but that was when suddenly two [ __ ] in a Toyota Tacoma made a viral video in which they dined at every Rainforest Cafe and the last chance that Rainforest Cafe had of survival was stopped to death by two dudes who looked like interns on the TV show succession you see we have a very delicate ecosystem at the Rainforest Cafe that these gentlemen did not fit into at our restaurant we rely on the natural order but these YouTubers are like a new invasive species there's simply no room for an albino taison day and his friend hipster Ron Swanson also they're the first people to ever film in our restaurant it has never been documented before it was to take first rods they're too riddled with shame over their beef lava nachos and rainbow colors and now you [ __ ] pumped it out to millions of people weren't supposed to see this No No One's Gonna Come In Here ah you [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm sorry hush hold on give me one second brings me back everybody relax that is tobacco smoke the only people allowed in rainforest cafes are families with at least three or four children or people who are actively getting divorced and you guys don't fit that model my only guess is that Eddie gives off enough divorced man energy to get through Eddie I don't know if your parents are divorced but if they are they probably took inspiration from you they are they are okay good good and Ted probably got in because he looks like a [ __ ] water buffalo [Laughter] God damn this whole ironic gen Z crowd has taken over our restaurants that's not right we're usually made for fours at best now hot people are there you're making the rainforest hotter I am 54 years old I shouldn't know who naked Jakey is also when they left the animals came alive don't I can't explain it there life now they ran away and they all ran for the freeway and they're all dead oh God perfectly hit at the same time all right after 28 years of middling service the Rainforest Cafe will be closing their doors forever congratulations but good news for me I have a new job as the assistant manager is the Margaritaville at Universal Studios so Finn's up you [ __ ] pieces of [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] Ted I've been told we've met [Laughter] and then after doing some research I came across your content you spend so much time creating funny t-shirts funny bumper stickers but you never considered making a funny video particular video I noticed with the we improved fast foods and we improved ocean animals funny you spend all this time critiquing others but you never considered improving yourself so I took the liberty of doing that for you I improved Ted nifison that's how you say her name I don't really know you he's got a very specific look that I like to describe as white guy who wears a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo or um the most liberal guy in his College's young Republicans what else can we do to improve on this Timeless look [Laughter] how about a cool pair of sunglasses [Laughter] um very tall sorry just okay oh what was that handsome guy is that the Terminator or James Dean no it's not he never posts videos like we're all waiting around with baited breath he's not Rihanna he's Josh Groban I mean he's tall cute adjacent and I think Mom love him that's the vibe that I get so what can we do to improve Ted's video Cadence how about another pair of cool sunglasses oh yeah such a tall dude all right okay so much personality you know what's not a personality a Hawaiian shirt when Ted puts on Hawaiian shirt he looks like a swinger on vacation trying to [ __ ] which is different than his usual look which is a youth pastor who's always telling kids to leave his girlfriend alone I did a sweep of your Instagram and um there's there's one thing I noticed Ted follows me on Instagram but I don't follow him back I'll give Ted something even better I'm gonna report him rest in peace Ted stay cool why why Jake you get the [ __ ] out of my way I'm gonna freak out don't look at me like that you're supposed to be dead close your eyes hello everyone I will try to not get too emotional during this as we all know we're gathered here to celebrate the wonderful life of Jay schlatt and slime sickle's friend if you don't know who I am I am Ted's much funnier and more handsome friend Eddie burback in Ted's life he cultivated a wonderful and explosive Career frequently I would hear the phrase Nobody Does it like Ted before him we had never seen a white male YouTuber get his start making Minecraft content and I'm positive we'll never see that again Ted was known to shock and surprise audiences with groundbreaking videos like what liquid works best in cereal and avant-garde videos like what cereal is the worst those are two different videos on Ted's Channel now obviously I'm joking uh Ted's videos are hilarious well made and a blast to watch is what I would say if I actually watched Ted's videos unfortunately I'm not a 14 year old with a j-slat plushie on my bed so I'm legally not allowed to Ted and I got dinner with some friends and when asked about whether or not he was prepared for a roast funeral of himself he said I don't know so Ted this next joke is to teach you that your actions have consequences Ted and I now famously went on a road trip for three weeks to visit every Rainforest Cafe in North America here we go I had another bit of the joke you just [ __ ] up the timing say that you can say it again and I know famously went on a road trip for three weeks to visit every Rainforest Cafe in North America you can start clapping thank you and you know being around so many of those themed restaurants really opened my eyes to important causes like rainforest preservation and awareness while spending three weeks alone in the car with Ted opened my eyes to Suicide awareness you know this was a little too real so it wasn't in either of our videos but uh during the trip Ted actually almost drove us off a cliff in the middle of the night and after listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers on Spotify for 19 days straight A Cliffside has never seemed so appealing Ted looks like a Frankenstein joined the try guys and if you're rushing to comments to tell me that the monster is actually named Frankenstein's monster congratulations you're now too old to be a Ted fan let's see what else do I have um Ted is Too Tall and it pisses me off um I'd ask how the weather is up there but instead of answering my question he'd just make a YouTube video called what clouds taste best with cereal featuring Jason Jokes Aside Ted I know at one point we were both that kid watching YouTube videos in our room hoping one day we might be able to turn it into a career and look at you now you've got your own dedicated video on the Smosh channel just you know 15 years too late all and peacocks when you watch this um just be patient give it a little more time Defy is going to go public in just like a couple of days You're Gonna Be Right [Applause] this jacket unlike Ted is very cool [Laughter] I can't believe it I can't believe it's not tednavision [Laughter] I cry for a guy whose body doesn't look like how you think it would hahaha a man whose voice sounds like reverse helium [Laughter] anesthesia just hit or like he's in a documentary in silhouette today we pray for a man who proves that somehow some way there's always room for another white guy I know we're all shaken up by the loss of Eddie piggyback but I am obligated to read his will in the same way Ted is obligated to make mediocre content Ted gives Smosh his beat down Toyota truck since we also refused to let things die Olivia will receive Ted's shoe so she can sleep in it cause she's so tired so tiny seriously though seriously though Olivia will receive Ted's glasses so Olivia can ice skate on them okay no but really really Olivia will receive Ted's bedroom Studio to hang in instead of the Smosh Lobby so Olivia can finally argue with her boyfriend in private but I hope she doesn't get lost in the room Ted gives me his hair to take care of since I'm used to hair that makes sense from far away but up close is utter nonsense Ted also gives me his content since I too come out once a month [Laughter] since Ted and Shane are only a little hot once you get to know them Ted would like to return to Damien the remaining milk that both of their Skins are made out of and Ted gives Noah his season pass to the Rainforest Cafe so he can return to his original family of animatronic lemurs we here at Smosh will dearly miss having an actually relevant YouTuber on our Channel Ted I hope wherever you are you'll finally figured out what kind of content you want to land on you know now as is customary at all funerals if anyone objects to Ted's death please speak up now I object oh my God hi everyone I'm Ted's girlfriend Shea or as many of you may know me just Ted's girlfriend [Laughter] Julie our King but more like one of those inbred hemophiliac German kings that always looked pale and sickly I mean he'd always get really burned if he spent too much time in the sun I'm genuinely very concerned about how he's gonna do and how as my last act as the doubting caring girlfriend I did bring some sunscreen just a casket right I know he definitely did it this is crazy he definitely forgot to put sunscreen on before he died the truth is he did have so many good qualities women look for in an internet famous boyfriend who looks like Harry Potter on human growth hormones time was loyal to his run-down junker of a truck Ted's truck was a lot like Ted because it only really worked like it was supposed to every month or two but I always respected it because like Ted that truck was defiantly uncool mostly because the AC started smelling weird after a rodent crawled in there and died but what do we think isn't there a dead rodent in all of us this man cared way too much about being funny he's like if Michael Scott went to film School talking to some of the writers at Smosh and they said he would do so many accents they genuinely didn't know what country he was from Ted was humble he never got a big head at least not a bigger head like a really big head I'm surprised it fit in the casket no matter what obstacles life threw in the way he was always in pursuit of Harmony in his acapella group did you all know he was in an acapella Group by the way Ted always thought he was a singer but he just had a really deep voice and was kind of loud just shouting into the mic which is crazy that'd be like building entire YouTube channel off of being loud I really hope there are computers in the afterlife otherwise Ted's not gonna know how to connect with why before I go one last thing I will be taking applications for tall men who have trouble growing proper beards I'm so used to his patchy little facial hair so let me know [Applause] that's [ __ ] crazy that's awesome gotcha oh hey guys so happy to once again be appearing on Smosh The Big Bang Theory of YouTube um but while I was up at the Pearly Gates gazing down upon these beautiful eulogies being spoken to my honor I got to chatting with God uh you know the omnipotent and benevolent being that let 911 happen and at some point I got curious uh and I asked him what was your inspiration for Designing these these human beings down here like what was that about uh and he had some really interesting things to say and let me be clear these are God's words the Christian God that is real um not mine so when designing shame top the worst member of Smosh God was going for the classic douche look he wanted someone that looks like the sports guy in high school Spanish class whose pronunciation was so bad it sounded like he was speaking in simlish of favorite sports team Nuevo York Jets Mr uh Senor Rita he wanted someone that looks like the unknown extra brother from a sibling boy band that the parents forgot about God damn it someone that looks like he'd say that he started from nothing Well conveniently ignoring that his father is the founder of Vineyard Vines Now with Damien the worst member of Smosh God went on a totally different route he wanted someone that would really stir things up someone that looks like they made High School drama club their entire life and when confronted with any woman that they had spoken to on a base level would go where's my hug he wanted someone that looks like they have a devious plan at all times like he's gonna kill someone someday and when he does people are going to be like yeah I know someone was going on there someone that looks like he subconsciously weaves in lines from his favorite animes and thinks that he thought of the lines himself now with Olivia the worst member of Smosh God was looking to create an anomaly he wanted a person that defies logic and reason and perhaps even violates human rights with their presence someone whose comedy is like a middle school sleepover when the lights are off and you're supposed to be going to sleep but people keep yelling random people start giggling someone who will wear a full body tracksuit but also give the vibe that they don't know how to run Noah Noah was a fun one for God one because he'd be making the worst member of Smosh and also because he wanted to just create a bad guy just a terrible human being God wanted to create the most soul-crushing lovecraftian horror imaginable and Men he killed it he wanted someone who looks like they're forever in the learning phase of hair dye and they changed it so much that I had to literally contact Courtney for updated information on what color it was someone who looks like a canceled Minecraft YouTuber oh my God and I'm unsure if this has been mentioned in the past but I just spoke to God and gross man that was intentional now for Tommy the worst member of Smosh God just wanted someone that looked like his last job was selling cigarettes to kids in Portland oh my God that's all he told me that's it I really like Jarvis Johnson let me tell you he's one of the friendliest most down-to-earth people I know which is why hearing this design inspiration from God was tough to hear when making Jarvis Johnson God was looking for someone that looks like they created an nft series called little Jarvis um the drawings look like they were made in Microsoft Paint by a kindergartner on LSD someone that looks like they'd be the one to yell hey stop that that's wrong in an early 2000s anti-bullying PSA someone who looks like they'd be at a party in their 30s and make a point to say to everyone guys no bedtime no parents I've done that Eddie burback is here uh and I'm delighted to see that he is keeping himself busy while attempting to remember his YouTube password and when God created Eddie he wanted someone that could be a 26 year old man that looks like a 46 year old little league baseball coach who swears that if those kids win the [ __ ] Championship then Brenda will take him back someone even go on the trip of a lifetime absorbing the entire beautiful sounds and sights of the Rainforest Cafe and still managed to make an absolute stink about it the whole way also who's that sex guy Jake is that is that Nikki Jakey what's up man you want to rip it oh my God Makey tricky the [ __ ] up love child of Scooby and Shaggy Nicky Jakey sounds like a nickname for the local homeless guy who exposes himself to strangers but is so friendly that the community just keeps him around and uh that's Jakey and that's all I have I guess I'm gonna go die more [Applause] just kidding I'm back I'm [ __ ] dead yeah cool still not watching his videos wow that was cool that was like a surprise birthday party but bad so that's why you need to is that why you need to home oh wow you could save it for a home yeah well we were just talking about God okay sorry we're filming we don't get to leave to this stuff this weekend
2023-01-11 22:54
