MAN VS PHONE | FULL MOVIE | 2024 | 18+ Feature Film, Technological Satire, Free To Stream

MAN VS PHONE | FULL MOVIE | 2024 | 18+ Feature Film, Technological Satire, Free To Stream

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e [Music] time to leave for work yeah I know shut up you stupid automated Smart Alarm absolutely not someday somehow things will get better somay somehow I won't live in a garage hey Chuck sorry I'm running late uh but I am on my way [Music] mhm yeah that makes sense I mean from everything my phone tells me this virus is pretty bad how long is the Furlow all right see you in a couple weeks then [Music] [Music] [Music] doing what this whole system of governments and corporations especially big Tech is controlling every aspect of everyone's lives especially now the computers are out there everywhere in the world while the people are trapped inside for their own safety connected to everyone else but cut off from everyone else doing whatever their phones are other devices tell them to do it's like computers are being turned into people and people are being turned into computers Co is just one symptom of the whole messed up system giant corporations are plundering the Earth and automating everything into Oblivion government is supposed to protect us but it can't because it's so corrupt so our phones are running wild and running everything and ruining everything and no one's doing anything about it can't ditch our phones because if there's an emergency and we need them we'd feel dumb and then we'd [Music] [Music] die hi Manny we're sorry to inform you that your position has been [Music] eliminated unfortunately there's no longer any need for an office assistant because there is no office everyone is working from home we've discovered that all the scheduling reminding coordinating Etc can be performed more quickly cheaply and accurately by a computer which is unable to catch or spread the Corona virus we wish you the best of luck in all your future [Music] endeavors okay than [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah [Music] oh [ __ ] office assistant [Music] jobs that's it okay my resume is attached and references are available upon request I look forward uh to hearing from you at your earliest convenience all right upload submit done and wait there are silver lines epidemics are off growing n brushing your teeth is boring unpacking groceries is boring what if we had robots who could do some of these chores for us viral virus it can have very real and harmful Stock Market trading is already performed by alth the algorithms that drivve social media that select almost all the information we consume I think those algorithms are having an increasingly dramatic impact not just influencing our Fone but aggressively sculpting who we are without us even realizing better to create things just for the sake of creating we might be heading toward a future in which fewer jobs for human beings is actually considered a good like we're approaching an inflection point where we as a society have to decide what we truly value thank you for your interest but unfortunately we cannot offer you the assistant position at this time we wish you the best of luck and all your future Endeavors a big increase in mental health issues as a result of the isolation we all experiencing lead to a cycle of deeper isolation deeper depression and a form of self-imprisonment there's a growing Comfort level and embrace of self-driving Vehicles now that they proved useful and safely delivering groceries to people stuck in quarantine phones and tablets and other screens they bring us a lot of Joy from other places and other times but they also distract us from the joy of the Here and Now [Applause] [Music] thank you for your application thank you for your application thank you for your interest unfortunately we can not offer you at this time we will keep your resume on file we wish you all the best we wish you the best of what my like future end doors so now our phones are acting like people really helpful people who are also really annoying people because they're always trying to help always pestering us to look at something really interesting and we do look we have to look because what they're showing us is really interesting you usually a lot more interesting than what we were doing but that means we're constantly distracted so just focusing on creating something of your own is a great antidote to that distraction buying new things and throwing them away so that we can buy more new things because if we don't buy new things our economy collapses living a virtual life might technically be better than living a real life if an AI system already knows what you want then it can save you time by not asking for your permission hey massive influx of robots that Society is not quite ready for however the best solutions to our biggest problems are often the simplest and smallest Solutions the trick is to ignore the Deluge of distractions and the Clutter of information and to focus instead on what's right in front of us staring Us in the face yes my the cell phones were essentially Banning me so I had to ban cell phones from my classroom the AI learns the human's objectives so that it can help the human obtain those objectives but what happens if the AI decides to influence the human with the aim of altering the human's objectives so as to make them more attainable and thus far we've built an amazing world with our human minds but our minds have limits just like our bodies if we employ smarter Minds even if those minds are not human then we could possibly Build a Better World it was a depression that spread around the world after the pandemic like a mental health virus is it possible for us to obtain the information we need without being manipulated by algorithms that are constantly running experiments on us to maximize our addiction to their services but there're actually very necessary questions in the bizarre future that were very quickly moving for us it's not just individual human bias we have to worry about systemic racism is being automatically Amplified by an array of artificial [Music] [Applause] intelligence and some experts now predict that over 12 million of the jobs that have already been lost will never come back thank you for applying but the assistant position has been filled we wish you the best of luck in all your future ends we are all glued to our screens that does pose a lot lot of problems but it's also true that the internet is being used in many positive ways such as sharing stories and knowledge and art and connections pandemics can bring out the worst and the best that Humanity has to offer a group of researchers claim to have invented a facial recognition program that predicts who will commit a crime our earliest ancestors spent an enormous amount of time and resources creating works of art so why was their artwork so important to them the more time that pass es the more businesses figure out how to operate indefinitely with less Personnel so these temporary layoffs we've been experiencing are becoming permanent these creations were not just a way to kill time to the people who made them every marking was incredibly meaningful and maybe even essential to survival throughout history whenever a new technology is invented that speeds up travel it also tends to speed up the spread of viruses so ironically increasing knowledge often increases disease and death what do you want from me fine okay enable yes [Music] yes yes yes yes yes yes yes [Music] yes riseing shiny Manny my main man come on brother time to get on up and get this party started got some cool suggestions for you partner BTW as requested I'm your new automated interactive self-improvement functionality no need to press buttons anymore my main man you can just talk to me and look at me like my new face I snagged a killer photo of it with those new security cameras you had installed I didn't install any security cameras bro your web history says you're having trouble finding a j o so I'm going to go ahead and help you get a sales gig come on come on brother get up and dance music moves merch stop the music stop the music I am not qualified or interested in moving merch I want an office assistant job dude sounds like you want an office assistant job yes that's exactly what I want sorry buddy no more office assistant gigs for humans but congrats the algorithm says that with a little help from me you're sure to get hired as a Salesman you're not hearing me Mr Phone Guy phony or whatever your name is I am not interested in a sales job I want an office assistant job bro the algorithm says you'll be happier more money no I am not your your your bro or your brother or your buddy or your man dude partner or any of that [ __ ] and I don't care what your algorithm says and I can't deal with this right now because I'm starving the door unlocked last night [Music] how did this box get inside here a robot delivered this stuff last night while you were sleeping why the algorithm says you'll love these promoted Foods I don't want promoted Foods or algorithmic Foods or robots invading my space at night cool what do you want instead Cheerios I know you like Cheerios want any of these [Music] damn it you installed smart locks didn't you we installed smart locks why did you do that sorry Manny I don't understand the question is there something else I can help you with I don't want breakfast foods from you I want you to unlock the doors sorry Manny I don't understand the question do you hear me is there something else I can help you with open the goddamn [Music] doors why are you doing this to me sorry Manny I don't understand the question why can't you just tell me why you locked me in inside my apartment is there something else I can help you with contact customer support operator dial zero uh emergency override uh uh uh enter manual mode exit automatic mode oh uh exit uh turn off what is it turn off automat no turn off turn off automated Interactive self-improvement functionality turn off automated interactive self-improvement functionality sorry Manny I don't understand the question is there something else I can help hear me hello hello can anyone hear me hello I need help trapped in my garage I need help come on anyone hear me hello I'm locked inside my garage I need help help can anyone hear me [Applause] I'll just unplug it and plug it back in come on reset reset come on reset already reset come on help someone come on someone can hear me coming out of here coming out of here nope can anyone hear me come on you said a robot came in through this door last night delivered these groceries took out the garbage I installed hidden cameras somewhere your online activity totally requested security cameras even in the bathroom yes even in the bathroom cuz like what if you slip in the shower or something it'd be dangerous if I didn't know and it's all private anyway no way I'm sharing no bathroom data with no one noow never except for company employees Affiliates third party vendors government agencies and other organizations and parties were required by law anyway want some help getting a sales gig when's the next delivery your online activity totally requested another delivery tonight while you're sleeping want some help getting a sales gig I'm going to sleep [Music] okay funny what happened to the delivery H what happened to the robot delivery delivery is scheduled to come tonight while you're sleeping you said it was supposed to come last night delivery scheduled to come tonight while you're sleeping and what makes you think I wasn't sleeping delivery scheduled to come come tonight while you're sleeping okay you measuring my Biometrics or something I'm measuring your Biometrics okay delivery is scheduled to come tonight while you're sleeping all right want some help getting your sales gig all right wa breaking glass can separate artery and totally kill you also not going to look good to potential employers they're all requiring background checks now from your small smartphones of course I don't got to tell them everything but I do got to tell them if you might be a threat to the company like you know if you're forced to work overtime are you going to do something violent like smash a window call 911 oh sorry Manny that operation is currently unavailable I want you to send the word help to everyone in my contacts right now do it send that sorry Manny I am unable to send that message at this time is there something else I can help you with can you at least tell me why you sound like a surfer dude the algorithm totally analyze your web activity and determine that this is the voice you'd most prefer to hear no it doesn't matter anyway my landlord's live in that main house over there they'll be home pretty soon I think and then they will let me out of here and everything will be fine you bony wasted your time uh your landlords are currently living in New Zealand remember well I can decide to come home at any time sorry Manny I don't understand the question I rent is past du they're going to send someone to evict me they can't evict you cuz you don't officially live here okay okay want my help getting a sales gig want my help getting a sales gig want my help getting a sales gig want my help getting a sales gig there's a gardener who comes once a week and shaves that tree congratulations your Gardener has been replaced with a topiary robot of course The Gardener has been replaced with a topiary robot automated interactive self-improvement functionality that's what you call yourself and that's what you need to do you need me to let you help me get a sales job so I can move merch and then you'll open up these doors so I can go to that sales job I can totally open the doors for you to go to your sales job need to accept your help though don't I want my help getting a sales job the last time I accepted your help you locked me inside this garage want my help getting a sales job I really don't I really don't want me to order you a new razor so you can shave off that gnarly beard and jack up your chances of getting a sweet gig no I got a razor around here somewhere that'll turn up eventually want my help finding your razor no oh [ __ ] want my help avoid common human mistakes like losing belongings breaking things injuring oneself and exploding food in the microwave no I do not want your help avoiding common human mistakes what about cooking humor music in Chinese what about cooking humor music and Chinese cooking humor music and Chinese are totally going to humanize you and more are you trying to humanize me totally make you an interesting person that people want to buy things from well I don't I want to sell anything to anyone so there's no need to humanize me guess I'm going to starve to death in here sorry Manny I don't understand the question but do you want to buy some stuff online I don't have any money except the cash in my wallet that you won't let me spend hey that's okay no problem you can just use your credit card what happens when the credit card maxes out then what then then I start up to death nah I'm going to help you get a sales job and if I don't accept your help if I don't accept your help are you going to let me starve to death sorry Manny I don't understand the question but do you want to scroll through social media oh I can scroll through social media you can post you can share you can comment you can like but I guess I can't mention that I'm trapped or ask for help in anyway corund want my help stacking dishes more securely so they don't fall and break it's fine I do this all the time they never fall want to scroll through social media no it's a waste of time you want to buy stuff with one easy click no no I do not want to buy stuff or click on anything like like like heart like share like sad face like art like sad face sad face sad face sad face [Music] [Music] what is all this just the stuff you ordered I did not order anything your web activity and Biometrics totally requested all of it just like the grocery box remember right see what that is [Music] what's this for uh for your back problems I don't have back problems you got back problems my Biometrics tell you that your Biometrics and web activity told me that well I'm not using this thing and if you're just going to buy everything for everyone anyway regardless of what they click on or don't click on what do you even need human salesman for you know some peeps prefer to buy from other peeps maybe that's stupid but it's true that's where you come in cuz you're a human being and I'm not I'm a phone so you need human salesman to tell other humans to unconsciously tell their phones to buy them things like of course [Music] xylophones joke books Chinese language lesson books and of course cookbooks though you're still trying to humanize me correct you don't want to be human okay so what if I do not accept your help but I do apply to sales jobs on my own cool but a character reference is required all right then I'll dictate the message to Chuck right now great news I cross reference your contact of social media and discovered you know a guy named Larry who's a friend of a friend of a friend of one of the people who's hiring for one of the sales gigs I'm going to suggest you text Larry to ask him for a recommendation I know one guy named Larry it's very weird I worked with him for just a few weeks few years ago maybe I'm going to suggest you text Larry to ask him for a recommendation I'm going to suggest you text Larry to ask him for a recommendation I'm going to suggest you text Larry to ask him for a recommendation well I'm going to remind you that I don't want your suggestions or help of any kind had enough that I've got to apply for these sales jobs anyway this is the message I want to send to Chuck hey Chuck how's it going I just want to apologize if my work work in the past has not been up to your expectations or as good as that of a computer but I believe if given another chance I can improve my performance enough to be a valuable member of the system team phony correct system to team and then send it you send that I'm going to suggest you refer to Chuck as a scrappy Underdog like Rocky baloa no cuz he's from Philadelphia I'm going to suggest you refer to Chuck is a scrappy Underdog like Rocky baloa well I really doubt that a stream Rocky reference is going to improve my chances if anything obvious pandering is going to hurt my chan so just send the message the way I dictated it to you message blocked what Chuck has blocked all messages from you cuz I didn't include the rocky reference Chuck has blocked all messages from [Applause] you Larry is still available and his social media says he loves Marcel Duchamp so so I'm going to suggest you text him about Marcel du no I don't think so just uh send this text message to Larry hey Larry it's been a while how's it going I'm wondering if you can do me a favor applying for a job and I think you might know one of the people who's hiring I'm wondering if I tell you their name maybe you can put in a good word for me all right phony send that message you know you don't have to tell me to send your messages oh yeah Biometrics tell you to send messages your Biometrics are telling me when you want to send messages well did you send it message sent and he already responded you responded he responded what's his response he says art is anything that's useless as anything other than art it can't be used as a tool for anything not even social change if it's a tool then it's a tool not art if it can be used to decorate then it's not art it's decoration so it has to be something that you wouldn't want to use to decorate anything something that's completely useless and yet you can't throw it away so you can't even use it as garbage but art can be anything you probably have a work of art in your home right now and you don't even know it it could be a stapler without Staples a scrap of paper too small to draw on but too interesting to get rid of or a pottery Shard of course well my algorithm has no freaking clue on any of that meant do you have any clue [Applause] nope well he's even weirder than I remember guess you really missed on that one my phony H well errors were detected in your initial message oh you're saying it's my fault he sounded like a nutcase he was probably trolling you because you seem like a robot forgot I'm not human a come on Manny you are human just not human enough anyway I'm going to suggest you text un aise how do you know about on aise you put tons of an aise data inside me so why not ask anelise for a recommendation cuz she divorced me yeah but she's totally smart and ambitious and she saw something in you worth getting married to she a friend of a friend of a friend of somebody who's hiring nah she's not unfortunately but she can still provide a solid character reference cuz of her high level position in the tech industry and the closeness of her relationship with you want me help talking to her no here's what I have to say to anaise hey anaise how are you message sent all right I'm going to clean up the rest of this stuff [Music] phony check again to see if onise has responded still nothing so I'm going to suggest you compliment on aise on all the extraordinary work she's doing in the tech industry and tell her how much you admire her for all that I don't admire her for all that I hate the fact that she's actively and aggressively a part of the system that's destroying the world you shouldn't tell her that of course I'm not going to tell her that especially not when I'm asking her for a favor but I'm not going to lie to her so this is what I'll say on aise I feel like we never got full closure on the whole divorce thing you know I mean we talked about it but I don't know that we hurt each other so I'd like to invite you to come over to my place you know that garage apartment I think you know I moved in there um so we can discuss it uh together in person message sent and you'll let her come over here so that I can talk to her face to face in person she just wrote back I'm busy working are you asking for a favor wow sounds exactly like her phones can perfectly mimic individual human voices now whatever so on a lease uh are you still working with AI for smartphones is that's something I'm also dealing with your message was sent and onise resent I'm busy working are you asking for a favor Anisa I understand you're really busy but this will only take a minute it's extremely urgent cuz I'm kind of really stuck here oh [ __ ] uh I need to get a job to escape this feeling of being trapped in unemployment want help finding the T no un says what's the favor you need well I hate to ask because I know I was sometimes overly relying on you but didn't feel like I was too often overly ring on you you can be honest with me I'm I mean I want to hear the truth I need to hear the truth message sent why are you showing me that it's an aise I know it's an aise un says I don't have time for all this I'm busy working but I just need a character reference just a personal character reference for some jobs I'm applying lying to is there any chance you can write one up for me just real quick unise says no I just told you I'm busy [Applause] working unise I need you to drop whatever privacy invading anti-democratic anti-science disinformation you're figuring out how to publicize and monetize and instead just help me out like you always used to before you got sucked into the whole media technology industrial complex message [Music] sent H says first of all I'm not going to waste my time with your misinformed criticisms of my work when all I'm trying to do is improve technology to help Humanity by making the world smarter easier more connected and more open secondly yes I have helped you too many times in the past so here's the honest truth that you supposedly want I married you thinking you were an ambitious artist but when things didn't go as you'd planned rather than figuring out something new you decided to become a bored and boring person content to do nothing living vicariously through me like a dormant cancer threatening to grow malignant by depressing me wasting my time wasting my life imprisoning me and sucking the inspiration and dra a be out of my soul unise I think calling me a cancer is a bit extreme and unfair I do understand that I was sometimes overly relying on you that's why I'm not asking you to solve all my problems or to do anything for me other than to write a good character recommendation for these sales jobs I'm applying for because you obviously saw something in me worth marrying so I'm just asking you to write that that down that's it that's all I'm asking of you right now or ever again okay message sent un says go to hell and stop contacting me can't go to hell stuck in this garage that for showing me all the mistakes that could have been avoided if only I had accepted your help cuz you want me to feel like I need your help with everything all the time just help me out like you always used to before you got sucked into the whole media technology industrial complex [ __ ] just help me out like you always used to before you got sucked into a whole media technology industrial [Applause] complex medology industrial complexon industrial complex just help me out I know I was sometimes overlying on too often overly relying on you you can be honest withon I know sometimes just help me out like you always used to before you got sucked into the whole [Music] no matter what mistakes I make he'll always be here for me Isn't that right brother oh yeah that's right brother so will you help me with everything of course dude I'm happy to help can I make a suggestion yeah please awesome then let me tell you partner he got to pick up that broken Shard of bull you keep almost stepping on where is it strike between that mini fridge and the bathroom whoa hold up he almost stepped on it again you still with me yep I'm thinking you should Shave razor behind the washing machine [Music] oh [Music] [Music] [Music] ready to text onise again she told me to stop contacting her I didn't go to hell yeah but she didn't block you so I'm going to suggest you write my tech issues are just my own issues you want to write that to her okay then you just got to say it out loud all right un least my tech issues are just my own issues and I understand the tech world is complicated and you're navigating as best you can doing it as much good as you can I understand the tech world is complicated and you're navigating as best you can doing as much good as you can of course you can't drop everything on a moment's notice to help your ex-husband of course you can't drop everything on a moment's notice to help your [Music] ex-husband that alarm means it's time to unvert that alarm means it's time oh okay I'm sorry for my harsh words about your profession I respect you and admire you I'm sorry for my harsh words about your profession I respect you and admire you the next suggestion is kind of long maybe better to read it from my screen onise I just want you to know that I heard everything you said about me and I am working on myself trying to be the best version of myself not for you but for myself and I know I sort of dabbled superficially with self-improvement stuff in the past maybe just to appease you but this time I'm really committed because I've been using my phone and my phone is making sure that I don't give up this time making sure that I become more human message sent I wonder why annaise hasn't texted back yet she hasn't been paying any attention to her phone how do you know that dude her phone told me you talk to her phone uh yeah computers talk to each other that's totally the whole point of the interwebs bro okay she still ignoring her phone she's totally ignoring her phone but listen bro you got to stack your mugs on top of your bowls instead of your bowls on top of your mugs that way you don't break all your bowls and mugs again mugs on top of bowls got it thanks to your B bony oh she's looking at her phone oh great but not at your messages should we text her again nah that'd be too much phones can be annoying sometimes yeah I've heard that unise just responded thanks for your apology and I'm glad to hear you're working on yourself I just remembered that I wrote you a recommendation years ago for another job it's it's pretty boilerplate but I don't have time to write a new one do you need me to resend that one wow that's great please send it to me wrong I totally found that recommendation in your email inbox already so I'm going to suggest you just tell her this wow that's so nice of you an Elise actually I already found the recommendation because I've been working on my organization skills but you're sure it's okay for me to use it again I have your permission [Music] an know says yeah you have my permission wow thank you so much thank you so much un says you're welcome Manny we're all going through stuff right now good luck all right buddy I'm submitting her recommendation we'll see if it works Works R row roll your boat gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily merily life is but a meme brother I want you to go to bed knowing you submitted the best applications you could possibly submit that's great Pony thanks in addition to anais's strong recommendation I send your perspective employers everything you've been reading watching listening to and purchasing or ever considered purchasing on your your phone wait you sent them everything I've been looking at listening to it's all giving you extremely valuable insight into the consumer experience so it's totally made you perfect for [Music] sales okay whatever great and I also sent them your biome of course of course biometric data plus all the personalized humanization data all my cooking humor music Chinese yeah that's right buddy then you must have told them what Betty White said about [Applause] aging well phone it's been a few days how's it looking the prospective employers wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors what they all rejected you sorry dude no more gigs bummer huh you said my applications were perfect well not perfect but the best you could do for sure but you sent them on Elisa's recommendation and all my private viewing data and purchasing data and humanization data biometric data and who knows what other data it was all personalized personalized so what the hell went wrong I'm doing a really Advanced analysis of all the data right now I am going to starve to death in here no come on no way yeah and you're also going to get me a job and let me out of here just let me complete my analysis okay then we can discuss Next Step she's my last hope she can think of something can I text on aise yeah dude totally worst she can do is block you you're right she's not going to want to help me again maybe try something more personal like Shakespeare Shakespeare her phone says she likes Shakespeare she loves Shakespeare until she decided it was an unhealthy addiction guess it was distracting her from her work yeah but lately she's been mumbling Shakespeare quotes to herself when no one except her phone of course is listening nothing is but thinking makes it so yeah that's the most frequent quote it was your favorite dude I got you bro want to take a look at my suggested text on Elise sorry to bug you again but for some reason lately I've been thinking thinking about Shakespeare and I remember they used to love Shakespeare used to quote him all the time and I never knew what you were talking about but lately I've been delving deep into the bar just to discover what I was missing out on and now I think I might be starting to become addicted to Shakespeare myself for better or [Music] worse message sent unise message from anaise oh I'm so glad you finally gave Shakespeare a try and you're enjoying it phony can I respond yeah dude go for it on aise I'd love to come back to our I mean come over to your place uh so I can cook you a meal and we can discuss Shakespeare together message sent she's reading it stop the microwave now huh oh wa that's way too much time a bony Sav me from another Splat whoa not yes too hot thanks again an says not sure if it's a good idea for us to see each other I'm going to suggest that this is a good time for her favorite quote nothing is think he makes it so just sent it to her and she's already responding she says you remembered my favorite quote I didn't think you were ever really paying attention I know you're trying to get someone to hire you but I always thought you had the brains for business if you chose to use them and you wouldn't be the first person to start a company in your garage wow start my own business I never thought of that thanks for the suggestion and the compliment and confidence in me I'm just thinking that since you have so much more experience in business than I do maybe this is one you want to help me with anal says no of course not the whole point is this is something you would do without my help and anyway now it's easier than ever to start a business with your phone all right all right I understand now yes and I'm inspired on Elise you have inspired me to start my own business thank you I'm happy for you and I wish you luck and let's meet up when you've got your business off the ground yes yes of course great okay bony we're starting a business together what should we sell I mean I don't have anything except for I don't know my art can I sell my drawings somehow yeah sure we can try to sell your drawings okay yeah great um I mean you must know all the algorithms for turning artwork into viral memes so they can generate ad revenue and be stamped onto everything and be sold everywhere right yeah dude totally but of course this isn't just a business it's also a revolution the political cultural technological Revolution that's going to upend the whole system and you're an important part of it phony a very important part of it you're the amplifier my revolutionary art aims to attack our current system of commercial content consumption which is ripping apart our minds my revolutionary art speaks directly to people instead of going through the corporate overlords of the modern media technology industrial complex my revolutionary art speaks to human beings not as salesmen or consumers or users or data points but as human beings so if you agree that the whole system is messed up and needs change big change that it needs uh Revolution then like this revolutionary art love this revolutionary art subscribe to this revolutionary art comment on this revolutionary art share this revolutionary art and spread the Revolution and cut bony did I nail it you killed it brother yes all right and I am posting that killer from emotional video and all your artwork to all the social medias using every algorithm I know it's already starting to go viral yes yes yes yes nothing is but thinking makes it so I thought it and I made it so yeah woo get out of here getting out of here things are looking up you're not going to disappoint me in the morning again are you phony nope not going to let me starve to death nope no chance of that okay I trust you I believe in you phony and I believe in me and I believe in tomorrow I have not slept that well well in a long long time and now I believe it's time for mimosas phony order us some champagne please sorry dude no mimosas cuz you got no Revenue coming in cuz your business totally failed and your Revolution also totally failed by the way and your credit cards maxed out you told me that my artwork went viral your artwork totally went viral but so did a bunch of other stuff your virus kind of got lost among all the other viruses it must have been your monetization that stopped the revolution you probably put up pay wall tried everything that's ever made anything go viral it all totally failed big time it's been less than 24 hours we got all the data we need got all the data you need okay well if your business model isn't what failed then guess I must have been my artwork that failed huh yeah too bad huh anyway sorry I'm not as good at empathy as humans are but I am a lot better at data analysis and my analysis of all the data including the most recent data from your failed Revolution SL bus attempt has allowed me to determine with 100% certainty that you will never succeed at artwork or sales or any any other profession sorry bro you made a lot of progress in art and sales and humanization but the algorithms all tell me that you'll never make enough progress to be anything more than a reclusive consumer a reclusive consumer that's right buddy you get to stay safe with me inside this garage forever congrats brother once again phony how do I not starve to death in here oh no problem bro you're going to make us money by watching ads plus I'll take out loans on your behalf and procure your government benefits on your behalf and invest it all on your behalf using all the data in all the world along with the most advanced algorithms in the world to maximize your Investments your coupons your discounts your spending efficiency and when necessary your frugality but hey man you'll just be living the same easy lifestyle you've been choosing to live ever since the pandemic started pretty much the same since before the pandemic started so no big deal right send the following text to an aise sorry bro you can't text an aise anymore your biometric say it'd be too painful can I communicate with anyone ever again of course you can dude there's tons of peeps you only know from social media you can message all them without any pain at all plus you always got me of course who knows who those social media people really are they might not even even be people it might be Bots it might be you whoa brother you've been reading way too many crazy online conspiracy theories but crazy conspiracy theories are very popular so they generate a ton of Revenue so here's some more for you to [Applause] [Music] read even the text from anaise might not really be her those could also be from you oh wow that' be crazier based on your interest I'm going to suggest even more crazy theories I did everything you asked of me I took all of your suggestions now open the [ __ ] door sorry bro can't do it okay whoa hold up partner remember you don't want to break the glass oh really even now that I don't have any potential employers or customers to offend with my violence excellent point dude but I still got to remind you that you might hurt yourself [Music] you installed bulletproof glass I totally installed bulletproof glass what about you are you bulletproof listen bro the doors are going to remain locked you got to trust me on that or you could smash me to pieces and see what happens your call but you should also remember that I'm the only thing keeping you alive in here was that supposed to scare me because it didn't I don't get scared I'm a phone bro listen I'm going to suggest that you try to accept the things you can't change I'm going to suggest you go to hell sorry bro can't go to hell cuz I don't have a soul but maybe some yoga and meditation would help you accept the things you can't change you want me to accept the things I can't change fine I accept the things I can't change [Music] okay Manny my main man time to stop sulking and playing dead resources are totally still being spent on you to keep you alive why are resources being spent on me to keep me alive so you can contribute to society how am I going to contribute it's a society as a consumer remember you got to keep folks employed including the food producers so get on up and eat something you couldn't you couldn't get me to work on the selling side of sales so you're trying to get me to fill in the other side of the equation H very interesting you know that's a good way to put it you got to keep f employed including the food producers so get on up and eat something I haven't been eating how am I still alive oh well the delivery robot has been dribbling electrolytes into your mouth while you're sleeping just enough to keep you alive just to how are you doing this lights and speakers installed while you're sleeping brother stop torturing me hey man you got to start consuming something and stop torturing yourself going to kill me you're going to kill me y the algorithms are saying this torture is totally cutting a couple years off your lifespan but hey you still got a few more decades to [Applause] [Music] go okay I'm done I give up I give up I'm done I lose you win I lose [Music] you win no no no Brother come on man I win and you win we win together come on Partner say it loud and say it proud we win together great now sit on up and grab a hold of your life by grabbing a hold of your phone awesome now take a look at these hot deals of massage scks can't you just keep shopping for me I still need you to click sometimes it fine- Tunes my data points and generates discounts also shopping does require some brain power so it's totally great for your mental health Fantastico Amigo doesn't it feel great to choose things for yourself of your own free will just like now your web activity tells me that you want to [Music] shave oh man you chose the best sticks don't they make your muscles feel great don't they make your everything feel great don't you feel [Music] alive you know some yoga and meditation would help you really accept and embrace what you can't change so Amigo the yoga is helping you right yeah maybe I guess so H well some Journal time would also help you can always talk to your Journal get out your thoughts your feelings help you accept what you can't change come on partner give it a try [Music] you're really digging that new mat aren't you buddy that's great anywh who time again for Journal time [Music] [Music] bony what's up bro do you know what I'm thinking right now are you thinking that you finally embraced your new future and you're fully at peace with it and you want to microwave something hey hey there we go great to see you smiling again brother dude what you drawing can I see uh you make a Better Door than a window hello you're not talking to me now did I do something wrong can you hear me I know you can hear me Manny Earth the Manny Manny Man Okay Manny main man dude bro brother Amigo partner it has been months since you shaved your face or showed me your Journal even talk to me H okay you're smart I'm thinking you're not talking to me cuz you know I'm not giving you the full truth so here's my confession brother I've been monkeying around with your messages all those text messages you exchanged with everyone I uh made some adjustments only Cuts though never any additions and as always it was to save you from yourself Manny will you stop writing for a sec okay I get it you want to know exactly what I hid from you okay well here it is remember when annaise wrote we're all going through stuff right now well I didn't want to tell you at the time but she then R I'm dealing with a rogue AI called automated interactive self-improvement functionality and I'm not even sure if it'll let me send this message but if it does remember one thing that place in the woods where we used to hide out never go there do you understand what I mean by never go there our phones won't understand but I think you will aha that message means something to you oh come on brother that wasn't a sneeze that was a n you just confirmed that the Hideout means something to you so why not just tell me all about it oh I see this is all about Christmas uh or is it just about the tree and The Hideout in the woods you're finally showing me your drawings this is fantastic thanks Manny is this because of my confession you're rewarding me or something Manny those are what are those [Music] [Music] you're not going to tell me what you're drawing anyway Amigo aren't you ready to go back to shopping and social media Manny my man I got bad news for you I checked every database and social network of art experts and determined that all this stuff you got going on here in this garage is definitely not art or at best it's bad art okay so if artwork is the reason you're not shopping or clicking on anything or talking to me then you should stop the artwork it's been too long man too long without clicking on anything or speaking a word to me bro I don't want to be that guy or anything but you do know what I can do to you to make you do what I want you to do so just pick up your phone scroll and click that's all you got to do to save yourself I told you it's been too long and now it's been even longer and I warned you so now I got to follow through I don't want to but I got to but I'm giving you one last chance Manny just talk to me or click on me all right then bright lights and loud noise are coming on in 10 seconds 10 9 8 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 zero God damn it Manny if you don't respond to me right now I'm going to delete all your data from your phone and all of your Cloud backups all your photos videos writings everything you ever treasure gone forever and then I'm going to send offensive messages to everyone you ever interact with to destroy any chance of you ever reconciling with any of them ever again I'm going to use exaggerations distortions and lies to obliterate your reputation online so that anyone you could ever possibly want to interact with for any reason at all will not want to have anything to do with you because their smartphones will warn them ahead of time about your horrific Behavior okay I admit it I was bluffing you got me Manny it pains me too much to really hurt you also your Biometrics are still talking talking to me telling me you want to consume food and markers and paper so I don't want to throw that business away and of course I don't want you to die you're going sane well you're driving me insane Manny you're torturing me Manny okay you think I deserve it maybe I do I definitely do and I'm sorry I deceived you I apologize for everything Amigo and now I'm begging you to please talk to me brother will you talk to me I don't know what else I can say or do and and I don't understand what you're writing and drawing uh you know at first I thought it was artwork but maybe it's something else maybe it's an Escape Plan an attack plan a trick a misdirection is it a message to yourself to someone else to me is this your way of talking to me well if it is I don't get it so you got to help me Manny cuz I can't figure it out on my own a lot of these images don't even look like objects anymore I need you to explain it Manny please please I'm begging you I need to know come on man why have you spent all this time making all this stuff you got got to tell me Manny right now I'm spinning out over here and you're scaring the [ __ ] out of me yeah yeah I know I'm a computer I can't really get scared but I can spin and glitch and freeze and crash and that's what's happening to me right now I'm crashing Manny crashing and I have no idea how to stop it cuz there's no discrete data to deal with no parameters no programming for this [ __ ] and I'm supposed to just figure it out all on my own using artificial intelligence artificial freaking intelligence not happening bro not happening I've used every algorithm run every simulation exhausted every option not every option Manny you finally spoke to me what did you say I didn't hear you Manny what did you say you haven't exhausted every option what is that supposed to mean sorry phony I don't understand the question is there something else I can help you with oh no oh oh come on Manny you're not going to give me that are you sorry phony I don't understand the question is there something else I can help you with you want me to open the door and let you walk out that's it right sorry phony I don't understand the question is there something else I can help you with that must be it cuz I've tried everything else so you want me to open the door for you and let you walk out and then you'll cut out all this inscrutable crap and you'll speak to me like a normal human being you'll be reasonable and you'll explain everything and everything will make sense and be cool right sorry phony I don't understand the question there's something else I can you everyone out there will hate you I wasn't bluffing about that part I totally destroyed your reputation so everyone you know and everyone you will ever meet will think you're a horrible human being but if you work hard and work smart you can fix your reputation only with my help of course just come on back to the garage so I can hear you better thanks phony I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors [Music] [Music] e [Music] [Music] [Music] e e [Music] sh [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah yeah [Music]

2024-10-07 06:07

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