hi this is Catherine from two of Swords um it's been a while since my last YouTube video I think it's it hasn't been more than a year but almost a year yeah basically life got in the way in my life I mean a crippling depressive episode it's just something I've been dealing with since I was a teenager upset this one was just really it just it was so persistent it basically it lasted until winter 2021 to Summer 2022 and I know that's a lot shorter than what other people have been dealt with so I'm grateful that I was able to cope with it and get back more or less normal functioning it was really hard though it was this time it was scary because I switched medications and that wasn't working even though it has before and finally I tried rtms transcranial magnetic stimulation which is basically yeah magnets kind of I don't know exactly how it works but they kind of like zap is probably the wrong word but it kind of like zaps into your brain and um that actually helped I know it's hit and miss for a lot of people but that actually helped me um fortunately and what helped me with in particular was anhedonia um anhedonia it just means lack of pleasure or lack of joy and that for me was I think the most concerning symptom of my depression which was that I had no interest in knitting or tarot cards and that was really disturbing for me because my hobbies definitely are a big part of who I am so not being interested in the things I usually love I just I really didn't know what to do with myself I spent a lot of time just picking a book to read even if I didn't like it I would just force myself to finish it all the way through uh just to do something and I also would do the same thing with TV shows and I watched so much that I I consumed a lot of content and I can't even remember what it was exactly um right now I I think in a way my brain's kind of protecting Itself by sweeping things away um what was I gonna say oh yes this video is actually it's it's not about my depression it's about uh strength reversed um tag the tarot anti-bucket list and I thought it was a really interesting concept just talking about the things that we aren't interested in getting into with tarot cards there's for me there's actually not I had a hard time making a list of things for this because I'm always willing to try things at least once unless they're so far out of my belief system that I don't feel comfortable doing so um but yeah with this I had to do a lot of thinking for it and I thought it was a really good exercise for me because amongst other things I think having a Tarot anti-bucket list might keep me from being too scattered when it comes to studying Terror and just kind of getting into the thick of things um as deeply as I want to but don't often do okay so just to get into it the first thing on my list is the Toff deck I've tried to get into tough deck before but I just haven't been able to I've heard it described by a lot of people as kind of a foreboding tech deck or an intimidating deck and that is also the reaction I have to it I think um the artwork it's beautiful like I know I can understand intellectually that's beautiful but when I look at it I find it slightly off-putting and it's hard for me to say exactly why it just I don't know like some buildings where you go in or you look at them and they don't feel quite human size if that makes sense like for example I'm thinking about maybe some of the great big university buildings on Columbia like the library for instance because I went to Columbia for grad school so it's like I I would look at them I went to a small liberal arts college for undergrad so I look at the buildings the architecture in Colombia and I would think to myself this was this wasn't created to be of a human scope it was created to look magnificent and that's what I feel about the talk deck like again just because I forgot to mention at the beginning this isn't a reflection on what I think about other people's interests I think it's really cool that people are able to read different systems of tarot it's just not for me you know and I've tried before I think one regret I have about not getting into toss is that there are a lot of really gorgeous Toff base or Toth inspired decks out there that I wish that I was able to get deeper into but I can't because I don't have that fundamental understanding of the thought deck and the symbology behind it and the meanings behind each of its cards um one example I could think of off the top of my head is the urban tarot and that deck means a lot to me because it reminds me a lot of being a young adult in New York City you know all the images and it just reminds me of when I was young and I had no idea at the time but I was carefree and I was just exploring the city by myself I could go anywhere I wanted to um but at the same time I also felt kind of lonely because yeah I was silly because it's really easy to feel lonely I think as a young person in New York City but that was part of I don't know if charm is the right word but that was part of the experience you know so I look at the urban tarot and that reminds me of a very different part of my life but um unless I'm mistaken it is partially based on a tough system so I don't have as deep understanding of it that I would like to you know I have thought about eventually learning a tough system but honestly just the lack of connection I have with a deck of cards with the top deck it's really a barrier for me because I connected to the Ryder weight Smith instantly when I when I first learned it when I was a teenager um everything felt really intuitive I don't read with the original RWS a lot anymore but a lot of it felt extremely intuitive to me it felt welcoming in a way that the top doesn't so so yeah that's not something I have completely scratched off of my bucket list I might learn a tough system eventually um if I feel like it's worth it just to have an understanding of other decks and if I have the time but honestly right now there's still so much I could learn and do with the writer weight Smith deck that I don't really have an interest in pulling out the Toth I do own a copy of it and it's in my Purgatory bag because I don't yeah I'm I feel like I should have it in my collection but at the same time I don't really do anything with it it just sits there and sometimes I wonder if somebody else would be better off having it but I think it's good I I would say there are some Decks that I consider like the equivalent of reference books and that's definitely one of them I have it just so I could say I have it basically okay the second thing on my list is PIP based decks I just don't connect with them at all I think part of the appeal of tarot to me is having it's like having a gallery of 78 pieces of Art in your hand and that's why I like connect collecting them I have somebody here I got a new shelf for my tarot decks but I haven't gotten around to organizing it but it's just so amazing to think like any deck that I pick off the Shelf is going to have amazing artwork like the white Newman tarot let me just pick a random card from it it's it's just and it's just that's part of the fun of getting new decks for me and though that is a hot habit that I should that I've ringed in recently because my tarot collection was just honestly growing out of control but let me see let me pick this out yeah it's just I love seeing I love seeing the different conceptualizations like even the card back but especially different conceptualizations four cups see this is an interesting take on the four of cups yeah he's focused on it that are car cups are so upright and I wouldn't say his back is turned to it exactly like in the original card RWS card but still he's definitely focusing on I mean there's so much I could pull out of this you know just from that image alone even if I wasn't familiar with the original RWS system um and that's something I mean I'm not an expert on original RWS system still learning and I feel like every pitcher tells a story and has so many means that you could just stare at it forever you know I mean that's how I pick I definitely pick my decks based on how much I like the artwork um let me see another example is the spacious tarot which I just got or I got a few months ago but it's just I think the concept is just so intriguing because you have pictures that are kind of minimalist but they still tell a story like with the little busy worker bee for the eight of Pentacles so yeah I mean I I think that's something that I would really I mean I'm not sure I'm trying to remember if I've heard the spacious tarot described as kind of a pippish deck that's the Elder of swords I guess it could be kind of pippish I mean described as such but at the same time there is enough artwork in it to like really pull me in I I think kind of like oh and look at the Moon isn't it gorgeous I think pit based decks just I've tried to get into them I do own some but I just don't have that connection with them I think what draws me to tarot is looking at pictures and making stories and also seeing what each artist comes up with it's really fascinating to see how everybody has their own different take on the same cards and more or less the same meanings or the way they interpret the meanings of the original RWS so I'm trying to think of pit based X that's also the same reason why I haven't really felt drawn to get into the Mars side deck I have a few marsai Marseille marsai Marseille decks and every time I try to read with them I feel like I I feel like it's almost like talking to a stone wall if that makes sense I'm trying to have a conversation with the artwork and it's not happening so it's yeah it's basically um I would really like I think it's really cool that people are able to read off base decks but I just can't and I think part of the reason for that is because I'm not into numerology that's another thing that's on my list actually um on my anti-bucket list I have no interest or actually I do have some passing interest in learning numerology because I think it might help with my work with the RWS RWS space decks but at the same time I think anything with numbers put me off uh I have a story behind this it's a long-winded story or actually it's not gonna be that long-winded because I'm kind of running out battery but um throughout primary schools so starting from elementary school through high school I had a lot of problems with math and it was really difficult because I went to school in a time starting my Apple watch keeps buzzing it's very distracting uh I I went to school at a time when perhaps there were less nuanced understanding of race than there are now like granted things aren't perfect now but when I went to school I was an Asian girl an Asian student who wasn't good at math you know and on top of that I was also in a gifted and talented program so a lot of my teachers I think they would look at that combination of things like Asian student who's in a gifted and talented program you know and they would look at my scores in math and under and just assume that I was lazy that was like constantly The Narrative I was being told about myself or at least I felt that I was being told about myself was that I just wasn't trying very hard and that really affected my self-esteem because and it created this feedback loop where the more I got told off for not trying hard enough with math because of my low scores the more I was just like why bother trying then I'm gonna utter things so I'm not gonna try with math and this went on and on it was it was just such it was a struggle like I remember in Geometry I wasn't a lot of my peers a lot of my friends were Advanced or geometry honors and I was just an ordinary geometry and I barely squeaked by with a d and I was lucky to get that D because what we would do for extra credit and that was play strategy games um I forget what the one I played it had like four pegs that our teacher would he would come up with an arrangement and we had to figure out that arrangement I was actually pretty good at those so I played one against him and I actually managed to get a d it was probably a D minus and I was just so happy because that meant I passed I didn't have to take it over again so I did take it over again I took geometry again during summer school because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do better and I did do better but not by much um because I I think being called lazy really got to me for Math and also honestly like I I grew up like in a school with a lot of Asian students and it was very it was very academically driven it was one of schools it's one of the high schools that gets brought up a lot whenever the model minority myth is brought up I just felt like I didn't fit in with my peers like I just felt like it was very wrapped up with asian-ness and with being a valid person in my mind being a valid Asian person in my mind and I hope things are different for students now but I feel it just compounded kind of like the sense of like cultural alienation I felt from my parents culture of origin and also not being American enough it compounded all those things that's what math meant to me it might sound like it's this is a lot to be putting on to a school subject but it was really loaded for me so all this went on until senior year of high school when my school counselor looked at my grades and she looked at my um standardized test performance because I always did really good with the verbal section but very poorly with math and the same thing with my grades I was good in subjects that weren't math basically and she said you know based on your scores we could give you a this calculator assessments but since you've already gone to college we don't have to or you don't need one and I was like okay this would have actually not been life changing and reformative if it had been done to me earlier you know I wish I'd push for an assessment anyways this calculator if you don't know it's like it's a little bit like the dyslexic version of math which meant that my struggles with math weren't because I was lazy it was because I just had a hard time processing the numbers with the brain I have and it's if I had had that I would have gotten Aid and I would have gotten help um and I also but most importantly I would have had a sense of myself as just not being enough you know fortunately I went to college that didn't have math requisites um so I was I I got high high grades in college but I've always felt like a sense of loss like not being good at math or not learning math as foundationally as I could have has always been something I regret I'm 41 and I still regret it you know I've thought about taking math classes on my own just to prove to myself that I can um what does this have to do with numerology I've really gotten I've really gone off into my own tangent but yeah I think numerology it's something that reminds me that numbers are not my friends even though I wish they were so yeah so that's something that I've never gotten into and also it's not a belief system or it's not like a system that really fits in with my belief system I don't believe numbers have specific meanings for each one maybe I would if I were actually good at math but I don't so that's something that I believe would help my I think it would help like my understanding of RWS I think it would add an extra layer of meaning to my readings but I'm just not interested in it okay and let's see oh yeah the other thing on my list is Shadow work uh Shadow work I've never been really interested actually I have tried to do Shadow work before with my decks I have Shadow work Dex picked out like for example Deviant Moon I think that's the popular Shadow work deck um but when it comes down to actually trying to read for myself even with guides let me see I forget the name of it but I have it's the same person who did the panda Tarot deck she did like a box of prompts basically on cards and they have Shadow work cards I have tried that before but I think what comes basically when it comes down to things like Shadow work if I'm going to be dwelling into the darker sides of myself I want to do it with an audience which is why I go to therapy um you know there's that joke that or there was a tweet I saw that said everybody wants to be their therapist's favorite patient and that's why I feel like sometimes like I'm digging to the darkest sides of myself are my worst Secrets or my my worst self and trying to tell it in a Charming kind of way so my therapist thinks oh she might be messed up but she's clever I'm kidding I don't actually go to therapy with that in mind though it'd be nice wouldn't it it would make the whole process less draining you know if it was a com it was a popularity contest as opposed to just a fixing myself contests against myself yeah so I haven't gotten to Shadow work it's something that I'm definitely um I find really intriguing I find intriguing when people do it but I think the idea of using cards to excavate the worst side of myself yeah it's not something I'm terribly into or it just hasn't worked out with me when I tried it it's the same thing with journaling basically I I'll sometimes I'll I'll do in journals I'll do kind of like what are is it called it's stream of Consciousness writing about what's making me anxious just to get on my head but in terms of actually doing self-examination I'm just like I don't feel like it do I have to yeah with a journal yeah I I prefer an audience for my most up self it's um better that way okay and then finally I don't use tarot to tell the future it's just not part of my belief system and again this isn't like a dig or anything at people who do I just I think a lot of his anxiety but I honestly don't believe we could tell the future and there are a lot of things that I worry about and I think okay maybe I could look at past events that have actually happened in my life similar events to inform to kind of help me guess what's going to happen but still even that feels really unracking because I'm always expecting something unexpected to drop out of the sky you know and I just think like everything's constantly flux everything's constantly in motion and it's impossible to pin down any specific outcome with tarot or anything else and I wish that wasn't true I wish that I had more certainty when I look into the future but I don't and I think coming to terms with that is actually a big Power in my belief system that there's a big unknown and you just sometimes feel like you're stepping into the void but you have to reconcile that otherwise you'll you'll completely become untethered um that was part of the process for me of becoming an atheist was knowing that there wasn't a larger power that I could hold on to and I used to be religious I used to be Christian um but I went through that process in college you know where I was just like for me there is no God there is no belief system that I could hold on to to give me Comfort when things are uncertain and that was really hard but it also felt like something I needed to do and right now now that I'm 41 I'm kind of entering the middle years of my life and you know going through a lot of changes um you know health-wise people that I love are getting older you know my daughter's getting older and going to school and I'm worried about how it's going to be for her socially even though she's a very outgoing extroverted girl unlike me um all these things are percolating in my brain and I just have to keep hold of the fact that even though I did not know how things are going to turn out I could hold on to them and that's something that I find internally and not in my tarot decks if that makes sense I don't know if I'm explaining myself well at all um but yeah it's something that it's I think it's a gradual process of just come to terms with the fact that I really don't know what the future will bring I mean it's afternoon right now and I have no idea what my evening's gonna look like I'm gonna make an instant pot pot roast I hope I don't burn it I'm probably gonna burn a little bit I like I like it when it has a little bit of char on it anyways okay so yeah so that's my tarot anti-bucket list and um yeah it's really great to be back on tarot tube I've missed it a lot I miss a lot when I was depressed upset for when I had had anhedonia and I didn't miss anything because I had no positive feelings whatsoever um but it's really great to be back it's a community that brings me a lot of Joy it feels like a pretty small and intimate part of YouTube even though tarot was increasingly popular and I'm glad to be part of it and to contribute in my own way and and you know and I hope you know I know it's been a while since I posted so I hope some of the friends I made you know a year ago are still around and still watching okay so that's all I have to say for today and I hope to be back again soon at least sooner than a year okay take care bye
2022-11-25