what are the HORRORS of SPIDER ISLAND???
good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome back to the program and on this episode i'm going to be talking about a german movie from 1960. it was released in the united states and dubbed over in english in 1962. this movie is called horrors of spider island or if you want to go by the german title Ein Toter Hing Im Netz which translates to a corpse hung in the web now you might be thinking wow this seems exciting spider island that sounds pretty intense i can't wait for a movie about an island filled with spiders well just stop right there who do you think you are assuming anything about this movie what you're just going to assume it's a movie about an island filled with spiders because of the title or the poster even well you know what happens when you assume that's right you end up being wrong sometimes and this is one of those times yeah i'm gonna have to break your little hearts from the get-go and if you think you're disappointed just think about how disappointed i was i had to watch the whole thing so let's get into it shall we because i know you're probably all dying to know what happens on spider island and what the horrors are if any the movie starts in this casting office with many young women waiting to audition for what you might ask well a nightclub manager named gary webster has a club in singapore and he needs women to dance in it see back in the 60s believe it or not there was a loophole when it came to places where smoking was prohibited if you just took down the no smoking sign the rule just disappeared so gary comes in and he's not impressed with this blatant disregard for the rules see now i find this interesting you don't want people to smoke in there yet you have an ashtray sitting out on the table well that's not very fair now is it that's just teasing that's like when you go to the doctor's office and you're sitting in the waiting room and they have that little section with all the toys and if you play with them people look at you weird and the receptionist is like mark we told you before those toys are for you well then why are they there sharon so they bring the girls in one by one to audition okay i don't know what job this guy has but i find it offensive looking at women's legs all day i mean come on how do you even get a job like that seriously like do you need qualifications and if so what qualifications and who do you talk to to get that job if anyone knows please message me because i would like to report it next we have rhonda she says she's not a dancer but she picks things up real fast thank you we're looking for dancers but what's that got to do with singapore come on because that's what you're auditioning for rhonda what exactly did you think you were going to be doing in singapore next is babs who left her last job because the boss was really into her all right you can work with us as long as you don't have any affairs mr webster doesn't tolerate any fooling around yes neither do i no fooling around no fooling around at all during business hours after business hours i'll allow it in fact i encourage it i'll even partake in fooling around by the way uh business hours are from 9 a.m to 10 a.m so what do you got going on in about uh 18 minutes carolyn comes in and starts dancing ballet and they're like this is very lovely but it's so boring so get out please anyways cat comes in and she hardly eats anything anymore just look and they're like good work cat don't put on any more weight again i'm not making a joke by the way that's actually what happens in the scene like that's the dialogue now throughout this process georgia has been telling the girls if they're hired or not but gary is the one making the calls so how does georgia know well that's because gary has been signaling georgia this whole time with a method that's quite ingenious if his legs are open it means pass if he crosses his legs it means he's interested now i believe this method to be vastly superior to just simply saying yes or no because it adds a little style to the whole thing a little flair if you will there are many situations in everyday life where i would recommend using this method such as picking out the toppings to your submarine sandwich or dealing with door-to-door sales people seriously i did this just last week someone came to my house trying to sell something and i just instantly dropped down to the floor and went full spread eagle and they just took off instantly it was like that anyways they're off to singapore but at some point over the pacific ocean the plane just suddenly catches on fire everybody screams and they crash into the water well i guess that's it everybody's dead oh wait it turns out they're all alive this one hasn't even taken her shoes off yet suddenly they spot an island and they're like sweet we're saved we found land let's just leave the raft in the water won't be needing that anymore for anything completely useless so the next day gary finds some fresh drinking water and of course everybody goes nuts for it because they've only gotten to take sips from the small amount of drinking water they had after the plane went down okay girls that's enough let's go and have a look around come on come on come on okay if i was in that situation i would not be able to react kindly to that okay girls that's enough let's go and have a look around come on come on come on hey gary yeah we just survived a plane crash we've been floating around the ocean for god only knows how long so i think i'm going to keep drinking until i'm satisfied and if you want to try and stop me i'll get the girls here to help hold you down while i waterboard you under this little waterfall we got going on what do you think about that oh and another thing if we don't find any food around here today guess who i'm voting for to be on the menu tonight you know what this reminds me of elementary school after recess lining up at the drinking fountain you know and it was like it when it got to your turn there was always some other kid who was like come on hurry up why don't you shut the [ __ ] up okay i had to wait my turn just like everybody else all right and you know what now i'm gonna drink a little bit slower out of spite what do you think about that well what are you gonna do you're gonna tell on me well mark's taking too long to drink also i have to mention after everything they've been through the fact that a few of these girls are still willing to tough it out and wear these shoes is impressive one of them finds a hammer on the ground the perfect opportunity for gary to show off his knowledge of tools a hammer with a long handle it must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal most probably uranium yeah that right there is a uranium hammer if i've ever seen one i mean let's be real here this guy knows he can make up whatever [ __ ] he wants i just think it would have been awesome if one of them would have challenged him on it like really gary uranium can you tell us why it wouldn't have been used for something like iron ore anyways they stumble upon a cabin oh thank god but as soon as they open the door they find a dead guy awkwardly holding on to some string obviously this is supposed to be a spider web but the funny thing is even if it was a spider web i don't see any reason why this guy couldn't get out of this i mean it's really not that intricate you mean to tell me this guy just walked into this and was so stuck that he just died there it's not like a spider came along and wrapped him up he's just standing there you mean to tell me a grown man wouldn't be able to find a way out of this situation i also think it was very rude of them to just burst in without even knocking this guy could have been doing anything i mean come on he's alone on an island probably assumed he had some privacy but whatever i bet the mere idea of a web this big has probably got you pretty excited you might be sitting there thinking oh boy this must mean the beginning of some crazy stuff like giant spiders all over the place well stop because no and i take no pleasure in telling you that by the way do you think i enjoy disappointing you people there's nothing i want more than to tell you yeah this movie's filled with crazy giant spiders and show you really cool clips like this but this clip is from a different movie that came out five years before this one and honestly the effects are miles ahead i was actually impressed with how they did this in this movie it's from 1955 it's called tarantula for the time this looks pretty good so the rest of the girls run away over to these trees and oh my god what the hell is that i mean it's supposed to be a spider and i'm going to assume that the uranium on the island mutated it anyways they get rid of the dead body and the girls are like sweet this guy had some food left behind let's eat it must have been a really gigantic spider to be able to spin such a huge web maybe there are more of them nope just this one that's it so they find the dead professor's trunk full of his clothes and food which you'd think would be the cause for celebration that you know they might be able to survive for a while but instead the girls fight over the clothes and gary complains that the drinks aren't cold enough i hate you gary also the dubbing in this movie is kind of funny sometimes because they chose to give one of the girls a southern accent stop it you are ruining my appetite but it changes and sometimes i have no idea where this accent is supposed to be from how about throwing your dirty blouse someplace else i want to sleep so now gary tells everyone that it's time to go to sleep and many of the girls decide to sleep outside just imagine yourself in this situation would you want to sleep outside you're stranded on an island you just found shelter and you're like nah i'd rather be outside when it gets dark yep nothing like being completely exposed to the unknown in a strange place where there may or may not be giant spiders that kill people anyways i guess all the danger and death has gotten everybody really horny for some reason linda leaves to go outside but while she does she kind of makes a sexy gesture towards gary it's kind of hard to explain she's putting out the vibe put it that way so he's like hey georgia the person i'm kind of involved with i don't feel like sleeping even though i just said it was time to go to sleep so i'm gonna go for a walk yeah don't be worried about me at all i'm just going for a walk you know in the pitch black darkness of night on an island that we've never been to and i don't know where i'm going so gary goes out onto the sex porch where linda has just gotta have it gary it's damned heat i don't know what i'm doing anymore yes it's this damn heat you know it's making everybody all hot and delirious i didn't even know what was going on i thought she was you you know so i mean i god damn you son ah son it's making the heat so gary goes to walk off his boner and i gotta say linda takes these slaps like a champ honestly it looks like she does this professionally anyways gary keeps walking even though there's thunder and lightning and he has no idea where he's going i guess he's a real man of adventure i don't know if it was me i would have stayed back at the sex cabin but that's just me you know boring old me somehow the spider is able to watch gary no matter where he goes i guess that spider must be up really high finally gary stops at this dead tree and oh my god the spider is already there somehow and it attacks him doesn't really seem to be doing much though it seems to be choking him and gary is having a hard time with it almost as if he kind of doesn't want it to stop again gary if you wanted to be choked i'm sure someone back at the cabin would have been happy to oblige he's just struggling like oh no this thing is choking me no a little bit harder so gary throws the spider on the ground and shoots it multiple times of the gun and it's pouring now i think at least it's pouring back at the cabin but not where gary is as he suddenly feels a pain in his neck and holy crap he suddenly transformed into some kind of monster okay so we got a monster on our hands here i'm sure this is going to be a major part of the movie moving forward this must be part of the horrors of spider island so some of the girls go out looking for gary while linda stays behind and plays with some water until oh my god i guess gary got her the girls hear her scream and come running back she's been strangled the spider yes it looks like an open and shut case she was strangled to death by the spider because that's what spiders are known to do i'm sure some of you watching right now you either knew someone or you know someone who knew someone who was strangled to death by a spider at some point it's one of the leading causes of death that nobody talks about and why is that i think we all know why you know it's all it's all politics and corruption dark money anyways the girls start fighting again and ripping each other's clothes off this is starting to feel less like a horror movie and more like somebody's idea of a cheap thrill so during the fighting suddenly gary's hands appear through the window and then disappear and then there's a shot of gary really far away so that makes no sense doing his best kane impression for any wrestling fans out there okay so now it's 28 days later and two guys show up in a boat with supplies i guess they worked with the professor and i've said this before on this show but holy crap did people ever seem to just love drinking hard liquor straight out of the bottle back then like this guy is treating this like gatorade i just can't imagine any situation where i'm like ah so thirsty yo you got whiskey oh yes so refreshing suddenly he hears the girls laughing and finds them swimming naked in the water anyways gladys goes off by herself and is suddenly attacked so you'd assume it's gary again the other girls freak out like ah crap let's get out of here or we'll be next however i will say it's nice to see that after everything that's happened over the past month the girls are still finding ways to enjoy themselves you know they're stranded dead bodies missing people there's a monster running around you can't let that stuff get in the way of a good old-fashioned skinny dip i mean you gotta live your life well it looks like gladys wasn't attacked by gary it was one of the guys from the boat who she is now making out with the girls find the gun and the dead spider and they're like holy crap look at this it's gary's bracelet doesn't seem to be much concern for the mutant creature on the ground but whatever quite honestly i'm surprised that they're just finding all of this now a month later so they find the other guy from the boat who tries to get handsy with a gun pointed at him hello baby here's the thing i would say the person pointing the gun at you probably isn't going to take too kindly to being groped in fact i'm tempted to believe that that's actually part of the reason they're pointing the gun at you you know to keep you at a distance anyways gladys and the other guys show up and they're like hey we'll just radio our expedition ship and they'll come pick you up so the girls are so excited that they're going to be rescued that they decide to get dolled up and have a dance party this is supposed to be at night but with a lot of the shots in this movie they tried to shoot day for night but it really isn't very convincing it just ends up being confusing because it's obviously sunny the girls seem to be having so much fun dancing and flirting with the guys this is starting to feel like one of those stupid you know dating vacation reality shows like you know what's that one called too hot to handle there's another one sex island or something this really shouldn't be called the horrors of spider island it should be called the relationships of spider island i bet you thought i was gonna say something else didn't you well that's on you seriously all this fighting and drama it's the real housewives of spider island that's really what it is and this goes on for a really long time it's all about this guy likes this girl but this girl likes this guy and this guy wants to make out with both girls for the love of god i thought this was going to be about spiders or at the very least the guy who got turned into a monster but oh no let's just let's take that storyline and put that on the shelf for 20 minutes okay so now the guys are fighting over the girls i guess over the past half hour they've developed some deep rooted relationships here there's some more relationship drama which again is hilarious since these girls literally just met these guys it's weird it's like suddenly this just turns into a high school movie basically like this is a teen drama this should be on the cw but you can keep him i'm through with him i've got news for you bobby just made it clear to me that you're the kind of girl that he's been looking for hey here's a crazy idea how about we focus on surviving the night and getting rescued but now it's probably better to just get drunk and wander off outside in the dark where people have been killed so ann goes to hook up with bobby and it looks like he's been killed by gary who is somehow still alive after a month without food but whatever we're finally getting some action here i guess he pushes anne off of a cliff and then fights the other guy i can't remember his name i don't care but here's the funny thing they obviously did his makeup for the shot of his face but not this shot from behind so eventually the guy just runs away and kind of uses georgia as bait in the cabin so that when gary breaks in his plan is to do nothing really just keep the table between him and gary well i guess that didn't work for very long but luckily georgia lights a flare and all the girls go chasing after gary until he finally runs into quicksand and dies then they all get rescued and that's the end of the movie well there you have it folks a movie that leaves a lot to be desired and a lot of questions unanswered were there more spiders on the island was it the uranium that mutated the spiders and did it mutate any other animals on the island and how did gary survive so long i guess we'll never know but most of all what happened to the club in singapore i can only imagine that it failed completely without any dancers all that auditioning and dancing for nothing just seems like quite a waste but that's pretty much it for this picture as always thank you for tuning in and i'll see you all next time i had all the boys i can take well i don't know about you but that just sounds impressive just out of curiosity how many could you take i mean was this over the course of years or was it more like a guinness world record type situation it when it got to your turn there was always some other kid who was like hurry up and they always had those stupid little lines you know save some for the fishies merc how about i save some for your mother yeah there was a grade i can't remember which one where i just kind of snapped and started just mouthing back to everybody i got this book called garfield's book of like insults put downs and slams and that just opened my world to snark really honestly i probably wouldn't be here without it i was just so sick of getting picked on and i was like you know what i can't uh i can't beat up these kids but i can definitely insult them i hope you can't hear my stomach on the microphone that actually happened 10 12 years ago i was shooting a movie in toronto and i was just i was holding on to a light in this one spot in the scene and i was out of frame but the boom mic was like picking up my stomach and my stomach was growling and eventually like the sound recorder she was like okay mark you gotta you gotta leave and the director was like mark get the [ __ ] out of here all right get take your take your stomach and get out of here and i was like okay so i went to the you know craft table and eat some carrots you
2022-03-02 13:55
