The Affair of the Poisons • Puppet History
[Music] welcome one and all to puppet history today we'll be taking an ever whining look at yet another chapter in the heavy heavy book we call history while our guests ruthlessly compete for the coveted title of history master i am obviously your beloved host the professor a thank you ryan berkara are you ready a little more sauce than usual in that intro i almost blew my hair down deal with it it's getting salty special returning guest and champion garrick bernard are you ready yeah i'm ready i'm ready i'm ready i'm ready let's do it all right let's crack in [Music] well look let's address this right out the gate garrick you're looking a little less fuzzy than the last time we saw you holy this hurts you can't just turn people into puppets without their consent there was consent there when you take a jelly bean you accept the responsibilities of eating a magical jelly bean are you a human and you just keep on eating jelly beans or are you just a puppet oh we don't need to we don't need to dig even further on that lore uh now to begin how many mistresses are you currently keeping i plead the fifth excuse me how many mistresses are you keeping professor you know i'm a freak back here yeah you guys get pretty wet and wild i got so many you know offers as a puppet it was crazy i hate every second of everything that's happening right now well with all the fraud emotions and betrayal involved mistresses can be a dangerous business today's story is a perfect example a tale full of mistresses betrayal and danger we're learning about the affair of the poisons that sounds like a ban that shane mcday would like i listened to a pair of the poisons i heard them before anyone else you guys stopped talking about this guy on this show i've never even met this dude it feels personal if there was ever a major league for mistresses it was arguably the 17th century french aristocracy under the sun king himself king louis xiv by the late 1670s france under louis was really hitting its stride the army was powerful the aristocracy was rich the arts were bumping and science was well it was uh coming along and while being rich and powerful is usually a pretty sweet deal being a part of louis xiv aristocracy was even sweeter and one marine madeleine marguerite dobre wanted in now daubre was the eldest daughter of a highly respected magistrate but highly respected did not equal royal to get there in 1651 mary madeleine marguerite married antoine gobellon uh tony goblin the marquis deborah villier and baron de noire that sounds like the the halloween version of tony robbins technically he's antoine but uh colloquially tony goblins antoine wasn't exactly a catch described as quote a man without morals weak as water and unstable as sand not very complimentary they hate this guy but the marriage meant making the jump to the official aristocracy and that's a hard deal to pass up plus it wasn't like getting married meant she couldn't find a sweet little side piece you know what i'm saying marine madeleine marguerite now the marquis de bruville began an extramarital relationship with a honky army officer named godon de sanghwa was that too much mustard no go down to sangra professor i believe the term nowadays is not extramarital it's actually called entanglement oh is it it's first said on the red table talk oh yes news of the affair started to become public knowledge and madame deborah villier's family started to worry about the possible damage to their reputation they asked her to break off her affair and when she refused her father used his position to have sanghwa arrested and thrown in the bastille for over a month wait bastille's actually a word besides being a shitty band it's a notorious prison i like the name of that bastille while in prison sangua met a man named ego eggsley who happened to be the world's foremost expert on poisons after they were released exili showed san qua the ins and outs of the poison game and sankwa soon became quite the accomplished death chemist himself debra villier whose infatuation with san qua was not at all deterred by her hot boyfriend's prison record learned how to make poisons herself and began testing them out we have so many band names in this death chemist god damn that's a sickening that's better than heisenberg yeah it is question time how did she test the poisons a on herself b on her neighbor's dogs or c on her servants and patients at the public hospital this is unfortunately the best dance no wait no yeah i'm pretty sure it's i'm gonna put b uh with poor dogs i'm gonna say b as well oh we got a couple b-boys for poisoning dogs we're gonna find out the answer via the magic of theater i'll see you guys in a bit bye what was this girl's name again i have no idea i can't keep track of these names it's like game of thrones again [Applause] ah good afternoon my sick little friend how are we feeling today marquis de so kind of you noble women to come visit we wretched sick here at the hospital oh my god jesus christ i'm feeling much better the doctors here surely must be miracle workers well i've no doubt they are such great news hey i've brought some wine to toast to your speedy recovery wow you truly must be one of the nicest people in all of history yes drink up aren't you going to have any um no no i would but um uh i drove here you did what just just shut up and drink you sick silly belly no i'm dead oh wow okay that's a good one uh okay next room jesus christ man that's up that took a hard laugh what the hell everything's fine uh points to neither of you what a what a quirky lady huh yeah that's that's one way of putting it as if being sick in the hospital wasn't bad enough in paris you had the risk of being murdered by the rich ladies doing quote unquote charity work once she had made some effective slaughter water deborah villier began putting it to use another band name or or the or like a good energy drink slash malt liquor can you pick me up a pack of slaughter waters i'm trying to get up oh another one hey who did deborah villier kill with poison a her deadbeat husband b her dad and brothers what or c the king's mistress what the yeah she's getting the work family she family's dead she killed her family i love the enthusiasm thanks man hey she killed her debbie husband because that's a thing in france a point to ryan yeah yeah she's a cartoon villain at this point yes pissed at her lame dad for sending her hot hot boyfriend to jail and wanting to inherit her family's fortune dabrin phillier straight up murdered her dad in 1666 and her brothers in 1670. what did the brothers do oh because she wanted the inheritance slimy fair would you guys poison your whole family yeah let me think about that no no would you do you have a family or did you have a family did you have a family i want a jelly bean i don't know [Laughter] repressed memory that's even worse than i thought now you may be wondering while carrying on this affair why didn't she ever poison her husband well she did frequently she tried five or six times to poison him every time though her hot lover sankwa having no desire to actually marry the woman who was going around poisoning innocent people gave the marquee the anti-poison how come i don't get a point i she he poisoned she poisoned him okay you know what you get a ball wait a second this isn't a goddamn negotiation no no but he asked very nicely and he's not wearing a stupid orange hat so i'm giving him a point can i can i have a point no unshockingly sanghwa himself mysteriously died in 1672 likely while hunkily experimenting with his poisons upon investigating his death police came across a trove of letters and other evidence showcasing deborah villier's crimes fabrevillier fled but in 1675 she was discovered in a convent and brought back to france to stand trial after a two and a half month long trial during which she was not allowed an attorney she was convicted and sentenced to death by beheading that's hilarious because at the end of the day you need the receipts you need screenshots just in case you go down too i'd have detailed files and multiple copies it's estimated 100 000 people showed up to watch her execution at 7 pm on july 17 1676 after all this wasn't just some random scoundrel being put to death this was a member of the nobility did you have to pay like extra to get in like the splash zone or something yeah this flash people are topping the nosebleeds with binocs looking at that they march her out and you just hear a very reverby seven nation army playing yeah or slaughter water that's the ban of the type and slaughter water dude right before the axe fell debra villier told the thronging crowd what a that she wasn't deburn villier at all but instead a genie a puppet had apparently glued a wig to his head in the hopes of having the people of france put a stop to his chasing the puppet through time but it doesn't work like that since the genie would just disappear at the moment of execution anyway b that this was really unfair since like everyone in paris was poisoning people too why should she be the only one to die or see she was carrying king louie the 14th child i'm gonna go with uh uh see baby entrapment that seems like the most important also looks like we got some seed dogs out there i got a couple sea dogs uh we lost one of our best bits on this show it hasn't worked since the first time you've said it points to neither of you the answer was actually b debora villiers said that half the town was guilty of the same crime and if she named names oh they'd be in serious trouble with that her head was lopped off and her body was burned as the throngs shuffled off to enjoy their friday evening one thing must have stuck in their mind she wasn't serious about that half the town business right the public's unease was rooted in the nature of poisons themselves not only were people defenseless against the tasteless and odorless toxins that were growing in popularity but the chances of catching a poisoner were impossibly low in the highly stratified french society the otherwise powerless could easily and without consequence strike out against the powerful many men also feared this could be a long overdue come up it's because record scratch women could now kill men hooray it seems like they were poisoning people back then over minor inconveniences yeah it's just like oh you you cut me in line all right man i go oh i got something for your ass right here dinner's gonna be cold tonight why is there smoke coming off of my water slaughter water dude with paris a buzz about poisonings and a member of his aristocracy now reduced to ashes for murdering her family king louis put his chief of police nicholas gabrielle de la rainey in charge of sussing out rumors of more poisoners amongst the nobility lorrainey's first big break came in december of 1678 when a lawyer named metra perron attended a dinner hosted by marie vigero a former wet nurse for the aristocracy turned fortune teller cool also in attendance was one marie bus after the dinner perron notified the police that he suspected the women to be involved in poisoning what made perron think so hey his food had a sharp metallic taste while the women's food did not be while in the bathroom he found a secret compartment full of suspicious vials or see bus told him she poisoned people for a living that's funny i got c i'm about this poison life i'm gonna say uh b i don't know if this is uh the correct way or not but uh yeah b we got a little uh another little skit for you let's uh be transported to another world another time i'll see you in a bit that's generous what a lovely dinner party oh hey i'm sorry what's your name again i am mitchell wow cool um what uh what line of work are you in i am an attorney and you well i used to be married to a horse dealer but he's dead and then i was in jail for counterfeiting for a spell but now i'm in a different business i'm selling inheritance matters if you know what i mean inheritance matters yeah uh poisons and cousin business is a bowman i'm thinking all i gotta do is poison three more people and i can retire you heard me when i said i am a lawyer right damn this wine is delicious holy this party rules so she just told him can you imagine just casually being like oh yeah i murdered people every now and then right not all the time but i'm sorry that i'm thinking more highly of the people in the 1600s i thought they were smarter than that everybody needs a side hustle i guess point orion nice nice vigorous were arrested on january 4th 1679 and they immediately started to sing naming names of others playing the death selling game to get a sense of how big the underground poison economy had gotten vegero claimed to know of at least 400 people peddling poisons and potions to the parisian public 400 yeah i don't even there's not even at 400 vape shops in los angeles oh do you vape i put up some clouds clouds i bet you got a little vape pen in that stupid satchel of yours right now hang on real quick i gotta juice up real quick many of these semi-professional chemists were sorcerers and fortune tellers who lived in the suburbs of paris selling love potions beauty ointments and magical rituals to the women of france as lorrainey rounded up more and more people a special commission was put in place to try all of the accused the commission regularly authorized the use of two levels of torture to extract confessions ordinary torture which you know ho-hum so what and of course extraordinary torture which turned out to be the same as the ordinary torture just twice as bad if they survived the tortures which for instance vigaro did not the guilty could be put to death by decapitation strangulation hanging being broken on the wheel or being burned alive the latter was buss's fate people may be bad now sure but they used to be worse did i hear you right in saying that one of the options was strangulation is that where a guy is sitting in a chair and someone comes on stage and just just just strangles him to death for like five minutes how is that different than hanging just a big scary guy just put you in a chokehold like a brock lesnar type yeah you would hope it'd be like a brock lesnar type because then you'd at least go quicker but if you have a guy up there with like weak dexterity and small hands you could be up there getting strangled for anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 maybe and now to strangle you to death bring out the dandy [Laughter] well thanks to all the torturing and the sheer number of people being subjected to it accusations were flying everywhere for poisonings and practicing dark magic i'm calling everybody a witch you're a witch you're a witch i swear to god you're a witch thanks to buzz's squealing on march 12th lorrainey arrested potion maker katrine monvoy-san also known as lavoison while lorrainey was by now shocked at the sheer number of people getting swooped up into his investigation it was lavoison's client list that showed him just how high up the scandal went one name in particular stood out the marquis de montespon who was the marquis de montespon a the king's mistress be the king's sister or c the king's poison taster i'm gonna put a mistress i don't know okay i'm also gonna put a this is a story about mistresses right all right points to both of you grey well not only was the marquis de montespond the king's mistress she was also the mother of seven of his legally legitimized children she was a big deal who spent a lot of one-on-one time with louis xiv so what was she doing patronizing a shady poison vendor isn't the kind of the definition of a mistress is that they're kind of a secret right there's seven kids running around not much of a secret to be had there mistresses back then obviously were sort of an accepted reality it was like well that's the way men are nasty man nasty well actually in all of france there was probably no position more sought after than king's mistress showered with riches and privileges and without the burdens of queenly obligations it's good work if you can get it and lots of women wanted to get it probably going through a lot of resumes it sounds like a sweet gig to me i would do it it does sound like a cool gig occasionally you gotta smooch an inbred ghoul so what yeah if you thought of it just as like a magical staff that you have to rub every now and then and you get rich it actually changes like the whole kind of like dynamic of it when madame de montespond arrived at louis xiv court in 1665 as a lady in waiting the king's mistress was louise de la valleere montespond immediately set her sights on replacing lavaliere as mistress numero uno with the strategy of putting herself in front of louis xiv as much as possible the plan worked and by the summer of 1668 montespon was pregnant with the king's child much to the chagrin of twist her actual husband everybody's each other do you think that they kind of like came together on this plan they're like look that's not doing too well the crops aren't watering you might have to go that old guy hey man starting only fans we need to pay this rent that does sound like the most amicable way about it but uh i think we're about to discover that it may not have been super amicable okay well maybe maybe not sometimes we're wrong that's right madame de montespond was married to a rude and unambitious champ louis de pardeon de gondron the marquis de montespond upon hearing his wife had left him for the most powerful man on the planet he tried unsuccessfully to get some sort of financial benefit from the situation when that didn't work in september of 1668 the marquis had the stones to go to the freaking sun king and demand his wife back this obviously didn't work and the king tossed the marquee in prison duh after two weeks he was let out and put under house arrest only allowed to leave if the guy who was stripping his wife said so good lord that sucks dude there's probably guards outside of his door and saying hey get back inside while the king your wife hey don't look out those windows while he's spanking that ass they're like earmuffs you better get some goddamn curtains once she had established herself in the role montespond thrived she was called the king's second wife and the real queen of france and she protected her position ruthlessly when the king began taking up with a new woman madame wassel de fontage in 1679 how did montespond react a she released a pair of her pet bears in defontage's apartment to destroy the place b she had defontage's father sentenced to toil 20 years in a ship's galley or c she had a servant shaved defontaj's head while she slept any one of these answers is straight up freaky c is the funniest answer but i do think it's b strapped that girl's daddy to a boat i'ma go with c because she's evil and she's trying to take away her looks what would you say if i said points to neither of you what bears he is not just one pet bear but two they're dumb everybody doing this is stupid uh they're openly talking about how they poison people um they're saying oh well everybody else does it and then they're releasing bears what does that help think of the logistics too of getting the bear over to that person's apartment did they walk it over or was it in a giant cage that they had to drag it seems like a lot of work like i always say if you've got the bears why not use them which reminds me ryan can you confirm to me your address is still uh well since we've seen how ruthless montespon could be it should be little surprise that her name came up when lorrainey was investigating the poison markets of paris after all if you're using bears you're probably also using more subtle methods as well yeah yeah i would say so i mean once you murder people by bear pretty much open playing field then at that point in july of 1680 marie lavoison the daughter of that lady with the thick list of poison clients was brought in to give testimony about her mother's business as the commission had burned lavoison at the stake apparently before they'd asked all of their questions with her mom dead marie didn't have too many qualms about spilling all the tea about her mom's most important customer and baby that tea was hot marie revealed that the king's mistress had been her mother's client for at least five years at first montespond was only interested in rekindling the king's waning love with potions and spells including some black masses which were like catholic masses but for that funny funny guy we all know and love satan that sounds wacky marie testified that three or four newborn infants had been sacrificed in rituals meant to make the king like her more oh my god kill her now that's wild we take a hard stance here against killing children for devil things when murdering babies proved to be ineffective montespon flipped tactics and decided that if she couldn't have the king no one could she planned to have lavoisan create poisoned clothing for both louis and his new squeeze defontage this plan however was never carried out talk about a killer fashion sense sure seems like everyone's come down with a case of poison fever yeah people get into fads like tiger king and stuff like that so it makes sense he also tried to kill someone so i mean i guess it's the same vibe we didn't have streaming services and things to distract ourselves we would probably just all kill each other because that's what humans do yeah lorrainey kept the king apprised of these revelations about the mother of seven of his kids upon learning of his mistress's alleged shenanigans how did king louie react uh what do you got ryan i think he probably was like wow she really likes me i didn't know she felt that way and garrick i also said that he loved it and like promoted her somehow i never had buddy murder somebody for me man i didn't realize this d was that good dude um you know what i guess i'll give a point to both of you because neither are totally correct but they're also not wrong so okay incredibly he made sure that madame de montespond never stood trial and that as few people as possible knew about her alleged involvement it's unclear if louis actually believed any of it sensing that the whole ordeal was getting a little out of hand as well as striking a little too close to home in 1682 the king disbanded the commission he released an edict putting tougher restrictions on poison and to try and quell the public hysteria over the witchier parts of the trials he officially stated that all quote diviners magicians and enchanters are impostors essentially the king said calm down y'all magic is fake it sounds about right everybody's just like oh this is this is terrible until somebody close to me uh did it or does it yeah would you would you guys be flattered if your significant other killed someone uh to get you to like them more it's just a question um no because i'm not an ego monster um yes because i am okay a point for garrett few seemed more glad to see the affair wrapping up than the judges of the special commission by the time they were done they had issued 319 arrest warrants resulting in 194 actual arrests with many of the rest fleeing paris 34 people were put to death two others died while being tortured having never been charged with any crime madame de montespond say it with me retire to a convent in paris in 1691 where she lived until her death in 1707. that's a good life mooch a king for a while narrowly escape death become a nun then die that was a up story um i'm gonna check all of my food from now on you know make sure i make it it would really suck to like every time i ate a meal to be worried hey there might be poison in this yeah i'm a pretty paranoid guy i feel like that would drive me insane all right well that concludes our history lesson i'm going to go tally the scores of this impossibly low scoring episode to see who receives the covenant cup and the title of history master while i do that please enjoy the special performance from oh god two murderous bottles of poison i'm getting out of here he's not counting anything he's just gonna go back there and vape oh kind of sucks but you want boy stick around because it's fun to do stuff if only you could win yourself of all your enemies well if i got news for you my friends you could talk it out and be real polite you can slap him in a fancy fight but if you want to keep receiving clean and fast ready for this [Music] come on in grab a beer help yourself good luck a victory when you're burning in heaven too many sweets oh somebody at the movies like i'm saving you seat anybody on the road who doesn't know to use that blinky keep it up and get a taste of what i've been keeping in my case let's see you got a list of people making you yes have a mobile put some drinks click click raise the classes to you everyone just be sure to take some grapes you're gonna need them [Applause] [Laughter] i'm sorry did he say if you didn't use your blinker he would kill you because i mean i don't mind that that is my number one of my bigger pet peeves it's it's the most minimal of movements you're just moving your finger and you're letting me know what you're going to do if you can't do that then you should die probably yeah tough take wow what a lovely performance from the bye bye brothers if you ever cross paths with them please contact the local authorities uh anyway uh according to our complex victory algorithm this week's history master is [Music] oh garrett go and pitch the covenant cup which you have so rightly earned up there classic classic another heist pulled off for you yeah huh another heist right another little victory for you maybe have some respect yeah little blue oh wow garrett that's so exciting fresh batch of jelly beans for you there i know you'll love it thanks man i love them so much i'm gonna just just a reminder no wait wait dress for god oh oh no no no jesus christ oh god damn it not again you lost him you did it again can you please now this time it's on you garrick i apologize but thanks again for coming right now and to the rest of you thank you for watching puppet history where the details are always a little fuzzy we'll see you next time folks [Music]
2021-04-12 10:39
