Relationships, Business, Money (advice I wish I had)

Relationships, Business, Money (advice I wish I had)

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Hello. Hello, and welcome back to a juicy out of my comfort zone episode of the freelance Friday podcast. I saw this comment and knew it was something that I did wanna talk about, but I thought I was going to record it as a freelance Friday podcast. After dark episode, which is my members only, uh, podcast video podcast that I put on for the insiders, which is my YouTube membership.

So far, we've talked about some other topics like, uh, growing up poor. And I'm actually after this recording an episode about pretty privilege and whether or not I think that is real. So I thought I was gonna. Put it under there for just like the OGs, the people who I knew weren't gonna judge me too harshly, but I think this commenter, they brought up a really good point in that.

Like they've never seen, I don't wanna say never, but you know, there's little information about this. Publicly, you know, and I think that it is something that does need to be talked about, especially for, for women, but you know, really for everybody. So the topic is how a business woman should handle finances in a romantic partnership in detail. And there were like 10 questions, uh, in this comment. So I'm just gonna go line by line and really break it down. Like my personal, you know, Approach or whatever, or views on this.

I wanna make a couple of disclaimers because you know, I shouldn't, I, I know I shouldn't, but I'm just gonna say it. Well, one, I did talk. My partner Norris about this. So don't worry, like he knows I'm recording this and I think I'm gonna give him the final sign off on the final episode as well, just to make sure, you know, it's all their people's business.

And the second thing is I also understand that everybody has a different view of like romantic partnerships, marriages, all of that. Like, there are so many different reasons why people choose to get married. A lot of people, it's religious. A lot of people, you know, from different generations have very different views. And I just ask that as you're listening to this, or as you're watching this, that you understand, like every not everybody believes, it's the same thing as you do.

I'm not religious. I have friends from like literally all different religions and we all have a different view on it, even from a spiritual perspective. But then like, I. Uh, you know, generational cultural, some people would probably be like clutching their pearls at the things that I think are okay in my relationship versus other, some of my friends would like be completely bored and, you know, felt very trapped by my relationship.

So I just ask that we all be respectful. Okay. And also money.

You guys know? I don't like to talk about money. We're just gonna do it. Okay.

So the question says, I'd love to see a video about how you handle your finances with your partner in detail. I've never seen a successful business woman like yourself. Explain this to another woman and believe me, this information is needed. Is your money yours and his, is there a prenup who pays? What is it? 50 50. Um, how do you guys address the fact that you make more money than him? If that's the case, what are your responsibilities? Gender roles, et cetera.

So let's go by line, line by line. The first question is. Is your money, yours and his so like, do we share money? So I'm probably a really bad example of this. It's a long story, but we, we do have a bank account together, but there's like no money in it. What had happened was we were already looking at houses before we got married and we ended up signing a construction agreement pretty shortly after we got married.

But long story short, we used pretty much just my. Like tax returns, my identity, whatever you wanna call it, to get our construction loan for a lot of reasons which I'll discuss, but I didn't wanna move money around, you know, from my account to a shared account or to his account or anything like that, just because we were. You know, under contract for home. So I'm sure once we move into our house, we will probably actually start putting money in that account. Once I'm a little bit more flexible with my finances, we do have a credit card together though.

It's actually my credit card and I added him as a user onto it. It's one of those credit cards that gives you like a lot of travel points and stuff like that. I've been through.

My credit mistakes. I made a video about my financial mistakes, which you can check out if you're interested, but don't get a credit card unless you know that you can trust yourself with it. I am well beyond that point of, um, not trusting myself with the credit cards, but anyway, I added him onto that when we got engaged, just because we were having like a lot of big expenses.

We're, you know, Paying a thousand dollars here, $2,000 there. And I was like, well, we might as well be getting points for these big purchases. Obviously we paid the card off, you know, in the same month.

So we weren't spending money that we didn't have, but that way we were just able to generate points together. So we share that. And even after our wedding, that card is pretty much what we use for like day to day stuff like groceries. If we go out to eat, um, when we're traveling together, like little day to day, kind of. Expenses pretty much always go on that card that we share. And then of course we have separate bank accounts.

He has like, you know, where his money from his job goes into. And like, I'm sure like savings accounts and stuff like that. And then I have personal savings and then I also have a business, personal savings and credit lines. So those are all separate. Um, as far as like how we handle expenses.

Cause I think, uh, that was one of the questions that follows in like, so for the credit card, we, I don't know, we don't have a system for this. I'm gonna be honest. Like, it's not like, oh, I paid it this month or we split it down the middle. Like it just gets paid. Like, I don't know. I don't know.

We just pay it. I've personally. Always been that kind of person. Like, even with friends, if we go to coffee, I'll just get the, I'm not gonna make us both stand in line. Like, it's cool.

I got your coffee or I got your dinner. And then like, next time my friend will do it or whatever, but it's not like a super calculated thing. So that's kind of my approach to it. Like we don't, I don't know. We don't have like a super solid system down for it.

So that's that as far as. Expenses. So like rent soon to be mortgage, things like that.

I've heard of lots of friends who split it according to income, which I think is like smart. I guess we never did that. We always just like paid half rent, but actually I was thinking about it in, we, we technically don't pay half rent. I do pay a little bit more because back in 2020, it was actually before the panini, but I was at a place where my business was really picking up. I was working full time from home and I just needed.

Space to work because we were in a one bedroom apartment and it's a whole long story. I almost got like a brick and mortar office. Thank goodness. I didn't because literally like the next month was when everything shut down. But I decided instead of getting a brick and mortar, we would just move into a two bedroom so I can have this bedroom as my office.

So I. Said I would pay the additional, like, so he just pays whatever our old rent was in the one bedroom and I pay the extra for the office. And the reason for that is one, because yes, I, I was making more money at the time.

And because, you know, when you are self-employed, you can write off your office space. So it ended up kind of evening out for me, like at the end of the year, cuz I can write. You know, portion of the space off or however that works. Okay. So is there a contract between you guys or parenthesis prenup? Yes.

I am very much a believer in a prenup. I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of about it. I don't think there should be weird vibes about it. I think.

You know, I, I wish that more people would have talked to me about this, to be honest, like there's, there's been a whole video brewing in my brain about like, I don't know, marriage and like some of the social constructs and, you know, the patriarchy and all that stuff. But I, I just, this is not like the channel for that. It's just very interesting because, you know, when I decided to get married, There were so many congratulations, which was so wonderful, obviously from people near and far people close to me and people who didn't even know me, but like nobody asked me about that.

Nobody asked me about my business. Nobody asked me about, you know, finances and I get it. Like, obviously there's.

I wouldn't want strangers from the internet asking me that. But, you know, I think that it's something that as friends, as family members, you know, particularly for our friends who are business owners, myself, I am quote unquote. Self-made like I don't come from money. Um, I am.

Still learning how to navigate, you know, finances and stuff for myself and my business. It would've been cool to have somebody be like, Hey, here's a little tip or here's a referral to my lawyer, but nobody asked me that. And I just think there's this weird shame with prenups or whatever. Um, here's the thing, prenuptial agreement. It, it is not for one person.

This is what I don't like about it. People always look at it as if like the person who makes the most money is the one who is trying to get this future or whatever to like sign it. And that is not that's at least not how I, how I look at it.

The thing is like, we are young, you know, I was 30 when I got married, he's older, but he's. Still young. There is a lot of time for the roles to reverse for things to change for property, to be acquired for jobs to change, you know, all of that. So it's not just for one of us, like who knows in 20 years we could be completely flip flopped and he could be making all this money and I could like be completely not working at all or vice versa. So it really does help protect both of you. And I understand, like it's not a sexy topic.

Like I, I get it like, you know, at the end of the day, marriage, Like the most important, I don't wanna say business, but like financial decision that you'll make, it's a really big decision. I would say it's, you know, a lot more financial thought. Um, and financial planning went into my marriage than buying a house because you wanna make sure that you're with somebody who's aligned and who's not gonna spend all your money and vice. Versa. And I just think we look at it too much as like this grand gesture of love.

And of course, I think love should be part of it, but like, I also don't want somebody to screw up everything that I worked so hard for or vice versa there. That's the other thing about prenups too, especially for business owners is like, what if I was doing really shady stuff in my business, I'm not for the record for any governing. Listening up there. I'm not, but what if I was, should he get in trouble for me? Like if I did something wild with my business, those are all things that go into a prenup, um, breaking out, like who gets my business and, um, property stuff and all these different things.

Again, it's not for one person or the other. It can actually protect in some situations. The person who maybe is making less money. So I think we just need to think rationally in this situation. And you know, my partner and I are both, our parents are both divorced.

Actually. My parents were never married. So I think we just have like a real view of it. Like nobody wants. To end a relationship. Like nobody goes into a relationship thinking they're going to end it.

But I also understand some things just happen. Like my dad struggled with addiction and I, it, addiction makes you a different person. Anybody who's ever loved an addict knows that. And if God forbid that were to, you know, be the situation for us, you know, whatever you understand things happen.

I think people stay in toxic situations because of money. A lot of times people are like, oh yeah, yeah. I would love to get a divorce because I'm, you know, whatever. Insert. I don't wanna like trigger anybody, but because a really terrible thing is going on, but then I have to give my wife half the house or, you know, whatever. Then I lose my retirement savings and things like that.

And I just, I want my husband to be happy. And I think that's like the ultimate measure of love. If he's not happy, I don't want him to be with me. And, and vice versa, Sony who prenups are the wave. I'm pretty sure the financial diet has a video all about prenups or divorce. Maybe it is.

I don't know, but I'm gonna link whatever episode that is because I really. Their channel. Oh, the last thing I'll say about prenups too, is I think probably sounds bad again. I'm gonna stop apologizing in this episode.

These are my personal thoughts. It, it also is somewhat of a litmus test. Like, I'll be honest because if you are a higher earner or whatever, or you're building something that you are putting your blood sweat. Tears into like a business you need to, I mean, my business is my baby. I do not have a baby, but I would, I protect it like it is a small infant.

Okay. And I think you could also replace what I'm saying with, if you have an actual infant. I think definitely.

If I had children, we would be getting a prenup, you know, so it is kind of a litmus test to some degree to make sure that the person is in it for the right reason that that is not, you know, their end goal is to. walk away with half in 10 years, right? I mean, I'm not saying that like, it's this game, like this mind game or something that you should be playing. But I do think that if for me personally, I would have not went through with a marriage with somebody who is not comfortable signing a pre and who didn't understand the great amount of sacrifice I've put to build this business. And lastly, actually, there's, there's one more topic on the prenup. I'm sorry.

It's a hot topic, but you know, there's other people who rely on this business. It's not, yes. I'm the only owner of it.

But like if I got. And my husband took all my money. Then a bunch of people would be out of a job. And you know, again, I have to treat this business like my baby and I have to care about other people that rely on it as well. How do you guys address the fact that you make more money than him? If that's the case? I don't know that there's anything that we really address.

Like, I don't know. I, it's never been a huge topic of conversation. I think it's very, very important to be with somebody who supports you and who sees your success as their success and vice versa. Not that they want to take credit for, or, you know, not celebrate you as an individual.

I am very independent. Both like quite independent people, but yeah, I, I don't know when he gets a promotion at work, he, he got a new job this year. Like I'm super proud of him. I think it's really cool. And like, no more about eSports than I ever thought I ever would.

You know, like, I don't know. I just think that's, I think it's. Just a personality thing to a huge degree.

I mean, I've dated men who have made more money than me. And for some reason it's only a topic of conversation when, you know, the woman is making more money and, and I get it. It's, it's all like because of gender roles, right. Because we are, we expect that men are whatever, I don't know like that.

They're supposed to be like the people who take care of the family and like, whatever. Uh, but I just. Feel a need for that same traditional like view on things anymore.

I think women are getting degrees more than ever. Maybe I, I think even more than men, I don't, I don't really know the current data, but you know, getting degrees, the gender pay gap is getting smaller. It's still very much exists, but I just have never felt the need to have somebody take care of me, uh, financially.

So whether I've dated somebody. Who's made more money than me or less money than me. It's never been a huge issue. Now.

It has been an issue when my time is like, not respected, like, oh, like, why are you working on that business? That little business of yours or whatever. And it's like, no, you know, again, business, baby, like you. Yeah. You, if you're getting involved with somebody who has a very demanding career, whether that's in house, whether that's a business. You have to understand that they are going to be probably working a lot.

There are gonna be things that are prioritized over, you know, cooking you dinner every night. And so I'm a big believer in being very upfront about where your priorities lie. I certainly was from day one. And at that point he was making more money cuz he had a full time job and I was just graduated college when I met him or started, uh, dating him.

So yeah, you have to be upfront and honest about like where your priorities lie. But after that, Don't think it should be a huge issue. I don't know. I don't really wanna say this, but I'm just gonna go for it.

Uh, you know, Norris is like one of the younger people that I've dated. Um, he's a little older than me, but he's around my age. And like, I think, you know, dating people who are a little bit older who are more, maybe in alignment with your income, there can be issues with that as well. I know, you know, I'm not gonna get into that, but, um, for me that has always felt more equal or I felt like they've understood my. Work dynamics and income and money dynamics more than like somebody who was also, you know, just out of college or whatever, and like was just looking for their first job. Now that's greatly generalizing and I'm not telling you, like go out and, you know, seek out men who are much older than you, if you struggle with this.

But like, I do think if I were to be actively pursuing a new partner, they probably wouldn't. Fellow 31 year old because I, I do understand that my income is not the average for a 31 year old, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. I don't know someone's gonna take that wrong. So whatever next question. Um, what are your responsibilities in the relationship and household? What are his gender roles? Again? I'm a really bad example of this because we don't.

We don't have any, I don't know. We just like, I mean, like I said, we are very independent and, um, again, some people are like not into that and that's cool, but I don't know. We take care of our own stuff. Like we don't really, obviously there are shared things that we do, but like half the time we eat dinner, Separately, partially because we have different diets partially because we have different schedules. He travels a lot.

We clean up after ourselves. the, the one chore I will admit that I don't ever do is like, I don't ever take out the trash, but that's just because we live in an apartment right now that might change when we move into our house. But I just, you know, we live in the city and I don't particularly feel like. You know, the smartest thing for me to be like walking around and like, you know, shorts and eat sports bra, like in the middle of the night, like in a parking garage or whatever. So that's something that he always does.

And like, you know, most like physical things, like, yeah, I'll admit he probably does more of that stuff because he's just stronger. And he actually knows how to do that stuff more than I do, but there's not. Yeah. There's not like, um, you must do this or you must do this.

We clean stuff when. Dirty and whoever made the mess. And then if nobody made a mess and it's just maintenance, cleaning, we just like tag team.

And I don't know, we don't really have like responsibilities. I will say this, like, you know, I do just think it's important to be mindful of your partner. I mean, during a launch, for example, which is like very demanding, very intense. Season of my business, it's kind of an unspoken rule.

Like he's probably gonna be cooking dinner a lot more and vice versa. Like he has this big event coming up. Like I'm probably just accepting that I'm gonna be, you know, figuring out food for us and like taking care of, you know, errands and like household stuff.

You just have to kind of be mindful of that. I think because it ebbs and flows. We both have very demanding careers and I think it's important also for people, whoever does make. The most money or whatever. I think it's important for you to realize, like you're not the only person who matters your, your partner has needs to, your partner has stress too. Even if they don't work outside of the home.

Like, I mean that, that's a hard job in and of itself, especially if you're taking care of kids and stuff like that. So just being mindful just because you make the money does not mean you're the only one with problems or that needs help or whatever. I don't know. I'm not saying I have to remind myself, like I'm a terrible person, but you know, sometimes yeah. Sometimes I do have to remind myself that like, we both.

Important things going on. So like, let me make his life easier as well. Um, also I wanted to add on to the part about splitting stuff. Similarly, I think it's important to understand where one another is at financially too.

You know, I'm not gonna say like, oh, let's go out for this like eight course super bougie expensive meal. If like, I know my partner is making, you know, a smaller amount than I do or whatever. And so when it does come to splitting stuff and when I said.

Probably pay a little bit more, um, of like our going out and fun kind of discretionary income. Part of that is also because I'm the one suggesting it a lot of times, you know, if I was making less money, I probably wouldn't be suggesting we go out, you know, not like we go out a ton, I'm actually pretty frugal. But yeah, if I suggested that we do this thing, then maybe. I'm okay with paying it for it, you know, um, gender roles. I think we kind of covered that.

I suppose, gender roles, you know, I don't know. Do your own thing, take care of one another, take care of your own stuff. Yeah. I don't know. I hope that answered the questions.

Um, I don't think I have much to add. But let me actually, I don't know. Do I want you to let me know anything in the comments I'm scared. Yeah.

I think at the end of the day, we need to just peace, love and understanding, right? Like just be understanding of your partner. Be respectful, know that things can change anytime again, prenups are not just for one of you who knows maybe in 20 years. I will be doing, I, I hope I'm doing nothing like, you know, in a good way. I hope I'm still making money, but it would be cool if I was just like sitting in a cabin writing books or something in 20 years, that'd be really awesome. And maybe he'll be like the CEO of some company or something who knows, who knows.

Who knows, but that's what I have to say. I really hope this video was interesting or helpful. Again, please be respectful and kind, if you can't be, I'll delete you and block you. And I will also make this private, if it gets too outta control, cuz. I just, I don't wanna go viral roll for this, but yeah, I hope this was helpful.

I hope y'all have a great rest of your day and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel to the podcast. You can join the channel as well. If you like more deep topics like this, and I will talk to you very soon in my next one. Bye.

2022-06-19 06:52

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