NEW Iyanla fix my life (May.2.2021) S8 E804 Taking Care of Business full episoder HD

[Music] this story asks a simple question why can't i have what i want i'm a radio and media personality i want to stop making the wrong mistakes in the love department i've been an entertainment publicist for almost 20 years i've been pretty much single for the entire time i am a radio personality here in atlanta i am not happy with my love life i am a dj a radio personality and an entrepreneur and i'm here because i'm single and i've been single for a long time when i got an opportunity to bring these women together i did because they deserve a chance at love sometimes we want something believing that we don't have it not realizing we are it i have never been in a healthy relationship how about with yourself then we make excuses or blame someone or something else for our seeming inability to get what we say we want us being black carter do you understand he was following your light and if you were barely lit and dimly glowing at the time you brought him home don't get upset with him up your wattage in the worst case scenario we give up caving into the belief that because we don't know how to get it we can't matter you can't have those great love stories i just don't know that that's in the cards for me i must be protected so i had to fight you yeah and what we all want is love i am young lavenza and i am here to help you do your work [Music] [Applause] welcome to the [Applause] [Music] because like so many black women she and her friends thrive in their professional lives but struggle in romantic relationships to begin the process abilities laid out for you which one would you choose as the greatest representation and demonstration of who you are hmm i'm going to go over here your problem yes man all right so what i want you to do is choose the envelope there and get your wig and you can have a seat over here because here's the question i want to ask you is that who you are in relationships yes ma'am how's that working for you it doesn't all right here we go miss erin how are you so i have some possibilities here for you so i want you to choose one of those envelopes any one it doesn't matter just choose one the medium vocal okay excellent and you're going to hold on to that which one would you choose i would say the boss lady okay i'm the boss lady okay all right we're good since we got one boss lady i'm gonna let you be the blonde boss okay all right okay wait a minute and there's some envelopes on that table i want you to pick one yes and you can have a seat here you're on radio or some kind of entertainment yes yeah okay so i want us to be real clear real quick real fast this is not about doing television right this is about your healing this is about your growth and here's the truth it ain't even for you it's for the hundreds of thousands of women who will never get to sit in a room like this with somebody like me so i really want to encourage you to be fully present having said that why are you here let's get clear okay i am here because i am tired of making the same mistakes over and over again i really just keep ending up in the same relationship and i need to know what is it that i'm doing wrong such a lovely rehearsed answer so let me ask you why are you here no that's what that's why i'm here yeah and how long have you been rehearsing that how long have you been rehearsing that in your mind so let's do this take a breath okay take a breath close your eyes repeat this and complete it for me the reason because i'm just i'm tired of being used and i'm just i'm lost in what it is that i'm doing wrong that isn't not a very different answer than the first one you gave me yes all right let's take a breath why are you here with your red wig okay let's let's do the exercise close your eyes ah i'm here because i'm here because i actually want to take accountability for my actions but i'm not really sure how to okay that wasn't hard right it would it's crystal you know the drill take a breath close your eyes and go get the ants i'm i'm here because i feel like relationships have you failed or have you settled i feel like i failed so i stopped okay so i've never been in a healthy relationship when you've been out there looking what were you looking for i guess a feeling i just wanted them i wanted to feel loved i wanted to feel like unconditional love and i i've just never felt it other than my son i've never felt it from anyone even my mother no no one wow so yeah how about with yourself yep not even with myself powerful awareness yeah so even though you wear those lovely wigs your braids up underneath that's fuzzy [Laughter] and see for us as women you know we have different pieces because not only dude you probably had a boss lady you probably had one of these too didn't you probably one of these two didn't come on that one right there that right there she's demanding and she's a man-eater she eats men there's an energy that comes with this that the po man they can't handle they kid they don't know what to do and we want them to try to manage this really define relationship for me you know i see my mom she still doesn't have one i've never seen her in a relationship never never you either stop the madness i've seen a lot so i wish i was you yeah i saw your mom with a lot of men i'm asking i don't know yes ma'am i've never seen a couple a person that i wanted to be like i just seen people i didn't want to be like wow so so you've been very quiet i want you to know that i noticed that so let me tell you why i'm here i'm here first of all because i love you for who you are as black women and i love us i love the power that we bring and i always say i'm not my sister's keeper i am my sister so i'm here because you are me when i go out into the world i am speaking for my grandmother a snakey nade of a cherokee who clean toilets and cook food so that i could have a roof over my head i'm being for her and i'm being industry that came for me i'm being for oprah winfrey so i have to be sure that how i show up and who i be speaks to their sacrifice i didn't have to sacrifice they did it for me can you hear me so that's why i'm here so i want to rearrange you all in age order you're the elder you go to that seat baby girl you go down the end so let me ask you a question when this baby girl looks up at you what do you want her to see i want her to see strength okay and when they look up at you because they looking up at you and when i say looking up at you not so much for how you what you do but for how you be when you look up at me what do you see you understand and that's how we as women have to start thinking i'm gonna send you with coach latonya she's going to give you some work to do shinika you're going to stay with me and i'll see you in a little bit okay although ms shanika has brought her friends together to get clear about why they fail in relationships she has been very quiet i think it's time for miss shanika to get clear give her a name hmm what's her name let's call her janet except for jenna okay i noticed that you were very quiet when i was asking everybody about their model of a relationship yeah why is that in my life my parents they moved to georgia to create a light together they supported each other in their come up when they really started making the money it fell apart what fell apart their relationship really their marriage once their dream began to manifest unfold their relationship fell apart yes so from your observation to be powerful and successful in the world could mean that your relationship falls apart let's talk about your last relationship what does that look like my last relationship looks like my parents story how long were you in relationships seven years seven years oh good and i was engaged after the first year really he had a son when we got together he was 10. i had to i was always the caretaker i'm the oldest my sisters are 10 or 13 years apart for me and i've always i had to take care of them i am really a caregiver in my family you know people depend on me and i don't mind being the strength for my family but i need to find a man that can be strong for me as well i used to have to cook clean like i was the little mom at home and you don't want to do that no so why'd you do it who are you as a woman that does what she doesn't want to do who are you when i love people i'm willing to sacrifice who i am for the situation like this stuff who am i when i am sacrificing myself for somebody else [Applause] i had ovarian cancer and i thought i was gonna die i just lost total control of everything i couldn't fix it for somebody else i'm trying to figure out because you're telling me you're a power broker that gets taken advantage of yeah what kind of power that i don't know and who were you in that relationship the floor mat okay and how long ago did y'all break up two years ago well how come you're still so sad he was the love of my life i i felt love that you settled for love that asks you to do things that you didn't want to do love that you sacrificed for what were you loving i want to feel needed that's all i really know about my life and what does that have to do with being a power broker because the best thing about the power broker is wielding your power in a way that works for you i kind of had a breakdown about three years ago and that was pretty bad i felt just overwhelmed and used up by every part of my life i felt like nobody appreciated me is that a requirement that you make no it's not a requirement is it a request it has if after they make that and it's really something you said you didn't want to be because she's the proverbial caregiver taking care of everyone sacrificing herself but she's also a big enabler she allows people to remain little and broken and she runs around doing it for them right now i want you to open your envelope with each role that these ladies choose for themselves there also comes an archetype another side that she presents to the world whether they recognize it or not a hustler that's really what the archetype is a power broker woman is really a hustler she has a racket that she wrote in order to get what she wants and some of those attributes are on the other side turn it over and take a look at that petty needy detached frigid combative so that's what we have to clean up not relationships because the only relationship even though i just met miss tracy i know she has emotional baggage and has never seen a healthy model of a relationship like miss shanika she has created an alternate identity for herself the boss lady did we name her hmm marcia marcia okay cause marcia because she is the boss lady that's marcia who is she feisty self-sufficient workaholic when she puts her mind inside him she can get it done she'll get anything done she's a doer she's a doer she's an executor okay so that's marcia who are you i am tracy and what does that mean who is she tracy is she's a work in progress she's still trying to find herself what happens in relationships for tracy what happens tracy is more of the vulnerable one because she's so loving marcia sorry because she's jamaican marcia is the one that protects tracy from being hurt so she's a little defensive why not i have to be strong for everybody and everyone so i can't be in pain who told you that that you have to be strong for everything i think i told myself that i didn't have anyone wife to tell me i saw my mom fall apart when she was in pain and i just don't want to be that gotcha my relationship with my mom is null and void i have no relationship with my mother i didn't really necessarily get i think the love that i deserved and now that i'm a mother i know for sure i didn't get the love that i deserved because i mean i od with my son when it comes to hugs and kisses and love and affection because i didn't get it when her husband left everything went he was awesome i thought he was awesome and he just left didn't you say goodbye have you ever seen him since no do you understand that that's violent withholding your communication or failing to provide someone clarity about a life-altering situation is an act of violence emotional violence can you imagine how that must have made her feel that she would choose a man who would do that to her children she acts like maybe she's related to her she might be yeah yeah might be her she might be her yeah tell me about your last relationship how did it end we were together almost two years and i was in love and he lived we lived together and i was i was in love he cheated it was a stripper and i put him out i never said anything to him i just had to put it in the garbage and rolled it to the curb even though you loved it even though i loved it and when did you mourn that relationship i don't think i ever did yeah but then i want to go all the way back to your mother when her husband left that you as a woman have never had a conversation with her as a woman about that she won't discuss it what about if her mother never taught her how to process the way she never taught you my grandmother absolutely taught her nothing about communication so why do you expect her to know how to do it i mean i said at some point you got to realize that i need to look how you communicate yeah that's it um well i had to not communicate because yeah i would absolutely open the door swinging absolutely fight what do you mean like hitting people with your fists have what men women have got jumped you do that yes who are you that you can't even manage your own anger that you want to be in relationship with somebody else you can't even manage yourself how you gonna manage somebody else [Applause] i have something on my heart too but it's not pertaining to me that's okay you're holding back you don't want to let go and you're fighting and i can see it in your face that you're fighting it who are you that you can't even manage your own anger that you want to be in a relationship with somebody else you can't even manage yourself how you gonna manage somebody else yeah it's a problem it's a problem is that your who you normally am or is that her taking control of the situation boss lady i just feel like we're one does she manage her son only when she has come out to protect my son specifically in this one event where i was crossing the street with my she thought that like was green and she almost hit my kid and i ran her down kicking in her door and trying to break her windows and tell her to get out the car and beat her ass because she almost ran my son over and when was your son he was there he's standing on the corner well after he just seen you run down the street kicking the woman's car and i can't imagine what else has he seen he's seen some stuff i'm not that bad though you're not bad at all you're not bad at all but what he has seen you set the model for him i know and some of that work that that envelope that i gave you i want you to open that so that we can really get clear [Music] because that's the other side of who she is the diva yeah and this is what her demands are yeah well i always knew i was controlling controlling insecure intimidating i hear that a lot all the time because when people don't know what you're going to do is frightening to them and if they don't know if you're going to fly off or throw something or custom or whatever it's frightening and i would really encourage you to do in your journal is really look at start to get in touch with what triggers it even one word this i notice when this happens so what are you protecting yourself from now from the little girl coming out [Music] thank you for giving her permission to cry [Music] miss tracy is a boss lady in her title but in reality she is a scared little girl and although miss crystal chose the same role is this the boss lady come on in i wonder how that role has manifested in her life so how much influence does she really have in your life that is my life why do you say that i think after i went through my divorce my kids were little so i put everything into the kids and work and i try to make up for the fact that they went from having a mom and dad in the house every day to dad being in another state not really seeing them except maybe once or twice a year okay so let's talk about that how long were you married 11 years what was your love story yeah i'm coaching yes okay that was the background he was coaching yeah his family was as well growing up religion was the basis of my household like that's all my mother really talked about if i call my mom today and tell her about something she'll say crystal we need to pray about it i definitely feel like a lot of my values are based on how i grew up it seemed good until he lost his job and i got sick what does that mean i got sick i had ovarian cancer and i thought i was going to die so an affair came from the fear and the disconnect i just lost total control of everything i couldn't fix it [Music] when we as women don't deal with our pain it attacks the pain and the darkness attacks the part of the pieces and parts of us that are woman the fear and the vulnerability a little anger at the husband and the rage mommy gave you that's all mixed up in there so people trying to prove say it i've been trying to prove that i'm not what my childhood suggested to me yeah instead of standing in the truth of who you are you've been trying to prove who you're not i have always felt like i had to be perfect do you know what it what it cost you that quest for perfection that's what we're gonna look at if it's okay with you so i want you to take your card out and i want you to see what the aspect of this is the diva because that's really who she is cater to me give me come to me listen to me and those are some of her qualities want to read them controlling not in control but controlling there's a distinction insecure intimidating high maintenance when you're striving for perfection you really are high maintenance particularly when you're striving for perfection from a place of imperfection because it's really not that you're striving for what you want you're striving to who you are it's the only thing that's going to make this enjoyable we as women have been living up to the world's expectations unfortunately we don't know how to be women we know how to be men and skirts come on wow the last of my conversations tonight will be with miss aaron miss erian and youngest of the women who is relying on the guidance and mentorship of the others to pull her through put the media mogul over there did we name her she can be theirs then what she sees here in her sisters she will ultimately see in her future tell me about this the media mogul i mean you know being that woman that i set out to be in this industry so tell me about your last relationship did y'all have a love story it was you know the modern day we met on instagram so how long were you all together almost two years okay so what happened everything's pretty good in the beginning and then you know over there how'd you know it was a lot his mother actually so that was like my first mistake okay and then months after that my lease was up in my apartment so he was like you should just come stay with me that was another mistake i shouldn't have done but at that point i was just kind of like stupid in the relationship if i'm honest um he would have you know his little tantrums he was upset and the first time he was just like well you can get out and i'm like okay you know it's no problem then he begged me to come back and that became my cycle what do you think that was him saying you can get out what was that for him um control i feel like um and you'd go back to a man who wanted to control and demean you because i went back for stability i didn't want to be lonely i felt lost and alone you know yeah don't have my mother where was she she lives here it you know i just bothers me i also refuse to reach out either because she told me she didn't want to talk to him how she was living and she didn't want to hear it you miss him [Music] i'm happy you know at 15 so we grew up together so if i were to say to you more who are you yeah and if you don't that's okay too and that's why you're here you are here to learn about you i want you to open your envelope and i want you to see another aspect of this the shape-shifter because in order to be this that's what you have to be very often wow and authentic inauthentic sound familiar fraudulent bitter lonely aren't you yeah yeah you can do this ain't nothing wrong with that but understand that to get that done you got to get that handled before i excuse the ladies for the evening i want them to be clear that our work here for the next few days is shedding janet nesdes and nasa yeah those false identities i want you all to get that because this beloveds is not who you are it's what you do i think sometimes it is easier at least for me to because crystal may be a little bit more sensitive it kind of gives me a defense to where i don't care we all have those pieces of us we as women have been living up to the world's expectations they make us think feeling is bad and crying is bad they give us names like angry and [ __ ] and you know why is it different for us as women it feels like it just feels like you're always on you know or have to be i was told that you were yeah by program director saying that nobody cares about your day or your emotions you have to block it out and you know how to be men in skirts come on wow so let me ask you this do you have any idea why the four of you get together for support how about because you all are the same person different manifestations of the same issues and it's important that you get that and each of you all got a frightening little girl in there and each of y'all got a broken woman and a broken heart when we pick the boo-boo the fool and take him home and give him a key and then we want to make him raw do you understand he was following your light and if you were barely lit and dimly glowing at the time you brought him home don't get upset with him up your wattage okay just know that's part of your journey to discover that so i have some homework for you i want you to look at the back of those cards and tonight as you do your work and as you read your inner vision i want you to really get clear about how you do that when you do it where you do it and what triggers it i gotta pick another card it's not clear to me why y'all aren't more connected when i came along i heard things about shanika she did this to me or she's this or she's bad what's happening something's happening i feel it welcome ladies greetings you are cordially invited to a lady's high tea in the parlor to be dressed accordingly you can find wardrobe accessories on the tables in the den for each of you see you there beloved yama oh come on get go often career-driven women fear softness and vulnerability the two primary ingredients that are necessary for successful relationships the seeds of sisterhood have been planted and what better way to water those seeds than with a tea please come in and to help yourself so how was your evening ladies it was good it was good okay well that's good yeah let's talk about those relationships that we were in not even knowing who we were i know the last relationship i went in was to prove to myself that i that i could definitely single and i literally went into it thinking i can make this work i can make everything else in my life work i can make this work and it was a disaster so i think i'm a runner i think that the moment i start feeling something for the person i will find an excuse to argue with them i'll find a way to push them away and i consistently do it and i know that i do it and i'll meet a new person and i'll say to myself don't don't mess this one up girl and then i'll argue with him about the stupidest thing how are you gonna tell me about myself than you got all them issues over there that you're not even dealing with don't tell me about me really is that how you are with your partners yeah how do you think you're going to be in a relationship if you're not open and receptive so your partners can't give you feedback about how you be see i i i'll have the conversation but that's what you feel not what i feel so i mean i change those things so i'll probably listen and then leave that's what i do listen and then leave because i feel i feel like her though the same thing like i feel most of the men that i leadership so one more time put the people in the back say it again sister i don't i don't respect their leadership enough for me to listen it's like if i've done better what have you done if i've done better with myself and all that i've had to go through and you haven't done better and you have had none of the things that i've had to go through how can i possibly listen to you why would you possibly sleep with it oh don't let me leave a moment when i start to lose respect i start talking to them crazy yes absolutely yeah can you sleep with him why i can always be with myself the physical connection feels like love it feels like i'm being loved so when you think about your last relationship what did you learn about you because i'm telling you if you do it anywhere you do it everywhere i just feel like i have to do things for people to make them happy is it possible that there's a belief yes i know that one very well i think that's why you feel the way you feel about that relationship it's like sometimes people can learn you to use you you know like this is what she don't like no that's not a consciousness that we need the people don't use you people come to get what they can get and sometimes life will fill you with regrets that you let them in in a personal in a personal you just happen to be available like i said all men are dogs but why the dogs on your porch why are the dogs on your porch buying love doing stuff to get love is an issue of no self-worth i don't really know outside of that what i have to offer them in the older version everything you're saying is shocking to me because you come to work like i'm the baddest [ __ ] on the planet nothing and so do you i told you yesterday why did i call the four of you together it's one person that's you boo you do it too just with another flavor a little loud and with a few expletives on there and what do you do to get love things prove myself prove yourself worthy where did you possibly get the thought idea belief that you're not worthy of love my dad because he wasn't there and i can remember i got a chance to see him when i was 12 for the first time since i was like four and i thought if i looked pretty enough that he would that he would like that he would like me he would want a relationship with me so i mean i worked all summer to like get my skin together and make sure that i looked perfect and it didn't change and then i sent him like my honor roll straight a's college graduation nothing changed it never was enough for youtube that the that your healing is in or the belief is in i'm not good enough got to do more got to give more i got to show more got to have i'm not good enough my mom had me she had me young at 15. i had a lot of love around me a lot of shelter around me but it always was like it was on a condition you're gonna be great with this i want to say i never felt that she loved me but it just was like it was love on her her terms i feel like when i'm not on [Music] away with that person and will she still be loved and she enough not enough not good enough yeah it's like clear to me why y'all aren't more connected yeah i think a lot of times men set that tone especially in entertainment men try to pit women against each other and there's so few of us in the business really at that level i wish i had a older mentor sister when i was 30 because i was i didn't just want to be right about everything but if i had somebody pull me to the side and say no ma'am that would have been amazing just like what we're doing right here right now when i came along i heard things about shanika she did this to me or she's this so she's that shanika called me on a saturday it was like come up here you know people's like yeah she only telling me that because you know you competition she trying to you know i'm saying make sure you keep you if you don't know yourself you have to be suspect of any man that shows up every single one what's happening what's happening something's happening i feel it i haven't really feel your pain and i don't know how stroke you always are you knew how strong she was but did you ever tell a baby i see your brokenness what's what's happening what's happening here something's happening i feel it what's going on um a lot of what depletes me is watching what's going on with my mile now and not wanting to end up like her i hear her talk about how she saw her mom and i don't want my daughter because we're taught in the church i don't want to be a sinner i don't want to go to hell i don't want to disappoint the lord i don't want to as opposed to using your magic as a woman to affirm what you're doing you don't want her to end up like you why not she just saw me stay heartbroken way too long and did you talk to her about your heartbreak because i think one of the disservices mothers do is not let their children know that they're human and they have feelings you sat there watching mama fall apart and no conversation my mom i am like the closest thing that she has to oversee her is that stressing you out yeah of course because sometimes she you know is manipulative and she has her ways and she gets really depressed almost down to not wanting to live like she does feels and she has to go to the emergency room you know to get her stomach pumped but i've been going through these episodes with her since i was like 17. it depletes me you feel

like you're responsible for her yes like she's responsible for everybody and what did she do she don't want to have children you what your mom did tell you the only relationship you're having is the one you're having with yourself and your partners are showing you where you need to heal and clean it almost showed me crazy the expectations for my job they wanted to diminish my role i shut down i've done that when i went through just d-day in my life i told myself i can't deal with that and i shut everybody out and then later i learned that i did myself a disservice because i had one sister that just forced love on me and that's how we became close but she did so two days before i got fired i found out i was having an ectopic pregnancy and i was not in my right state of mind and i really who did you reach out to say i'm having an ectopic pregnancy which means not only am i not going to have this child that i don't want to have but i may stand to lose a part of my reproductive system would you reach out and say that she actually sent me a text message her message said this is what happened and i don't feel like talking i really wear gloves so i have some gloves for you what in the woods put them on please put your gloves on please how do you drink your tea see if you can get your cup isn't it a lot more difficult than it was before we got all masks and gloves you don't know where you fit yet and that's exactly where you're supposed to be when i see you again i do want you to have your gloves on because we have lots and lots of work to do in order to heal it is critical for these women to delve deeper into their hearts and embrace their vulnerabilities you're gonna come right here with me this is the work they must do for themselves for each other and as a demonstration for the hundreds of thousands of women who struggle with love i think one of the things that we can do for each other as women is respect and understand how we can be with each other not what we can do with each other only give you that opportunity of how to be with each other in a new way which is in our heart and in this thought i am not my sister's keeper i am my sister and in my sister i see myself and let yourself know that it's safe to see who you are within yourself and within your sister you can open your eyelids and just make contact with your sister and i want you to tell her your story with that word or sound [Music] when i was a little girl what i saw was what i heard was what i needed was and instead what i got was tell about the first time you fell in love and tell i broke your heart let your sister know i feel your pain i see your tears and i feel you pain compress it for your sister open your heart to your sister so i'm gonna put this in your hand i want you to i felt a release of pain that i didn't really know was there [Music] i finally feel myself oh good i'm familiar with you that's all my heart is i feel my heart is love without holding myself back because i'm afraid i'm gonna get hurt yeah he's trying to be with other people what i think other people want me to be yeah what does your heart say about that i hear somebody crystal yeah let go i felt like if i love the way i want to live any week for some reason every time you say to go to that place to the young me i burst out in tears from the time when nobody was listening and she made up that nobody cared i wasn't protected so i had to fight because i was in love yeah yeah yeah yes that you don't have to be stuck in the fight anymore i want you to feel your heart yeah i have something on my heart too but it's not pertaining to me that's okay yes no no you're holding back you don't want to let go and you're fighting it i can see it in your face that you're fighting what were you not protected from the men that my mother brought into the home he jumped up to hit me and then chased me she over compensated in love play-doh self-cheat yeah i'll win i have something on my heart too but it's not pertaining to me that's okay yes no you're holding back you don't want to let go and i can see it in your face that you're fighting it what did you hear your sister say to you that i have a wallop how does it make you feel to sit in front of your sister that you trusted with your heart and she sits before you guarded like so what's going on here in the fingers what's happening anxiety i don't know how to be vulnerable and you had the opportunity to learn how to do it i really tried i felt like i i gave as much as i could know as much as you could control do you want to see what the need for control is really all about yes yes do you okay close your eyes what would happen if you just let your heart break i don't know well let me ask you this when did it break how old were you when it broke um or five yeah yeah yeah what broke her heart do you remember what it was i felt unprotected why did you feel unprotected [Music] breathe tell i'm not gonna leave her i'm not gonna leave you yeah oh your little heart is beating so fast yeah because people were sexually happy and you didn't tell her why why buddy you wanted to protect her by sacrificing yourself not necessary it was a couple of different places what else come on what's that speak that speak that right there this is not a relief yeah it's like i can really feel your pain and i know how strong you always are you knew how strong she was but did you ever tell a baby i see your brokenness my sister i see your brokenness and you are safe with me that's where we have to get to i'm so busy trying to hide out [Music] but the secret to laying it down is speaking it hmm it's like honestly these women and here's my command to you think higher think higher of them i want you to look at her this baby right here and i want you to say what i see in you is what i see in you is perseverance and strength and talent [Applause] how about what you see what you see what i see in you is that you've been living behind a mask and masking your emotions and your feelings and you've been able to master like holding all that weight tell her what you see i feel power within you but i don't think that you do and i see beauty and i see real happiness within you and that's your physical beauty you know you're fine i see the beauty the love that you can possibly give if you want to so busy looking for love instead of just loving on you imagine a lesson love you so that whenever i share something for me to feel and the only thing that you just experienced with each other is intimacy so i'm not gonna do anything else with you today okay i know you feel drained now because it's a lot of energy moving okay you've shared your most valuable thing which is your heart with each other [Music] we only do some work i think we're making progress [Music] so the earliest time you can remember you were four i didn't know what was going on my cousin touching on me when his mom left us i didn't tell my mom because because i was scared [Applause] [Music] yesterday miss shanika had an emotional breakthrough and allowed her sisters to comfort her in her pain today i would like to honor her truth and support her in exploring the secrets that she has held on to for so long even though miss shanika is very very late i'm you get to the last minute and things kind of fall apart yes do you know what that's related to i think i have a little um 80d no what let's first center in okay okay [Music] relax into this moment i want you to know that i heard you yesterday and as a woman that was sexually violated as a child there's some things i recognize i struggle for years with lateness knowing i have something and then it's not there yeah sound familiar yeah it's the same way that experience happened to us unexpectedly suddenly we weren't thinking about it and that rush we get that's where it comes from yeah i want you to close your eyes and take a breath so i want us to reach in today so we can neutralize some of the stuff that you may be holding around that experience so the earliest time you can remember you were four yeah talk to me about that well a woman she was like i think she was a teenager and just taking advantage of me i didn't know what was going on yeah yeah take a breath when was the next time at uh aunt's house yeah my cousin was now deceased touching on me when his mom left us and when it was over what did he do i think his mom walked in and and we just act like nothing happened what do you tell yourself about that i feel disgusted yeah is it i feel disgusted or is it i'm disgusting i'm disgusted yeah that's okay and when did you decide that you weren't going to tell your mom oh agree it's okay i want you to honor your pain janet's pain i didn't tell my mom because because i was scared take a breath so there was a little boy um that i got caught in the bushes what was y'all doing kissing me rubbing noses and i got a woman but that behavior was taught to me yeah sometimes when as little girls predators they know how to stimulate us and they kind of do it in such a way that just for a brief moment the body responds we don't want it to feel good but the body responds and that's when we feel disgusted that this shouldn't be happening so it gets confusing and you know what it says then my body betrayed me how could my body respond to this i am disgusting come on breathe uh i promise you you can let it go and it starts with knowing this i didn't do anything wrong let it come up let's just janet honor her honor her this time for all these years janet is so grateful that you're honoring her story and her pain and all she wanted was somebody to be outraged that she was being hurt just like at her job just like in her relationships no matter what she did she would get hurt and nobody would say anything but today shanica has a new job and that's claiming her body owning her power and calling in her joy do you understand that yeah what else do you want to say how about this i forgive my mother but not paying attention to my pain i forgive my mother for not knowing my hurt forgive my mother for not knowing seeing your heart yeah take a breath i just don't want to hurt but you don't have to carry her pain anymore maybe which is why yeah which is why she couldn't be present for you her pain doesn't have anything to do with your pain shanika love her enough to know that she can handle your truth see you as the strong powerful woman that gave birth to you give her that see her higher forgive yourself for the pain you've inflicted upon yourself and that's what happens with these last minute blow ups i'm gonna prove to myself how bad wrong wretched i am look at me i can't even get this together i can't get my life annoying i can't keep things straight you call these four women together look at what you've accomplished imagine what you can do now i noticed something yesterday in the two of you i call it the mother wound yeah miss tracy has recognized that she chooses and uses her relationships as a battleground now it is time to give up the fight to support her in doing this i need some clarity about who young tracy was fighting in the first place happy birthday what year was this for you 42 yeah and what does that mean for you it means wisdom growth it's like a rebirth yes absolutely good for you and good for you now what did we name her oh marcia i heard her say something yesterday that i wanted us to just explore a little bit she said they didn't protect me and i've been fighting ever since tell me more about that i actually did not know that so that it was so shocking yesterday when you know you were just like say it just whatever it is let it out let it out let it out and then it just out of nowhere i had no idea yeah it was it was a massive epiphany and what were you not protected move people in be like he lives here now and it didn't feel safe it never felt safe maybe even the way they looked at you i remember one instance i couldn't have been more than about 10 or 11 and my sister's father one of the randoms he asked me to do something and i caught a little attitude and said i don't want to do it and he jumped up to hit me and then chased me and my mother was nowhere to be found it was a three-story home and i ran to the top floor where my aunt was and my aunt went down with a spatula and said if you touch her i'll kill you and that little spatula with a spatula i'll never forget it yeah and i always looked at her as my protector and not my own mother are you angry at her about that yes very yeah she just misses me even when i bring up things that i remember as a child that i felt was too much or traumatizing or super dysfunctional she dismisses me would i be accurate to say your mother's from the caribbean yep jamaican yeah jamaican yeah what do you know about that culture i mean they definitely do not believe in therapy they definitely don't believe in emotions that too it's probably four generations in the caribbean under british rule in slavery where they were even allowed to speak a problem who taught her how to even manage an emotional issue she didn't have a language she didn't have a frame of reference what do i do if i'm on this now on this new path and she's never going to get on that path with me you can cancel your contract i mean literally in your mind but then the work is about training yourself to respond differently i'm i'm turning into someone else and i feel it 42 in a new power i feel the new power but everyone else my mom don't even believe they have a problem so if i cancel the contract and they're exactly the same some things we can't judge we just have to accept what would it take for you to accept that your mother just don't know no better this is gonna be such a test no it doesn't have to be really no it doesn't at all you're a woman you can create it look how powerfully you've created people peace yes you do have power okay see it differently and not looking at what was not looking at things as how she sees them but saying wow how much pain must my mother be in to behave this way how much pain i have never thought of it late how much pain must she be in okay what this is kind of to the left a little bit but after yesterday i felt like i felt like everybody needs this right because we're all kind of messed up a little bit gracie as hell as hell good morning ladies good morning how you doing don't you look cute today how you doing how was your night i was so drained yesterday because you know when you think about healing you think running through a field of flowers i want to be okay you made that up exactly i made that up but that is not what it is i have never made the connection between my religious upbringing to my need to be perfect so really a bible would you read it well it makes sense i noticed something very similar in the two of you that you probably may not have recognized and what i call it the mother wound i think you know what your wound is at least you think you know what your wound is with your mother but i'm not sure that you know what yours is do you i know that i felt like i had to protect my mom even from the world why i'm not sure but i know part of what drives me is being able to take care of her but i've always felt like that i remember feeling like that at five at the tea table you said i don't want to end up like my mom with men but your relationship with men is simply a reflection of your relationship with yourself so what is your mother's relationship like with men there is no it's not existent i wish that she had taken another chance woman because remember i'm not my sister's keeper i am my sister so when it comes to being a woman your mother is just another woman so looking at her you're looking at a part of you can you hear me when you look at her what do you see all you have to do is look at yourself [Music] she's closed off to my mind i think that allowing fear to dictate your relationships means you won't have any yeah now can you do it like this and say just like me just like me yeah yeah and when you look at your mom what do you see is this one that's scared yeah to truly be themselves yeah and what else it's what it wants to be yeah but doesn't know what that looks like yeah and because they don't know what it looks like it feels like what do they do she just doesn't even try yeah what do you need to say to your mother that you haven't said i'm sorry yeah or forgive me you ain't sorry you are not sorry forgive me because what you're judging her is what you're judging in yourself because if you want to be a power broker you need all your power right you don't have time to be wasting on hating another woman or being upset yeah and you don't have to be like your mother you don't have to be but you're going to have to be willing to run the risk of pissing her off [Music] you can't lose her love but loving you has to be more important than protecting her [Music] what is that what's going on i think that loving me has been synonymous with protecting her yeah well you would be mistaken i'm sure she probably doesn't think that i think she would be mistaken and some of the stuff that worked for her just doesn't work for you you're a different woman in a different time yeah you have to give yourself permission to break them all break the button without her running your life and telling your stories and what i would say to you particularly you baby girl is really just center and ask for help and how to deal with she may never change but you can play to win in your relationship with her even if that means that you see it once a year but what you don't want in your heart is i don't even speak to my mother you don't want that in your heart you need your space for yourself and for your boo we've been taught in order for us to truly be women it's bad as wrong and we're weak black women can be a lot of things we can be fat we can be ashy we can be a lot of things but we can not be weak that's our kryptonite if these women expect their romantic lives to be different they too have to be different ladies or eight of y'all real change requires recognizing the issues the roots and causes that motivate us to want change and discover is it you or is it that's that false identity so grab her one of the things we want to do is be grateful for her because they protected you but it's important for you to understand how she did what she did so that you don't fall back in that pattern so what did bertha do how did she do what she did she not i but she she put everything into work and hid behind that and also hid behind taking care of other people to keep from focusing on me she gave you defense mechanisms be mindful of that miss marcia what did she help you do so marcia she protected me yeah she protected my heart and if anybody hurt me she fought and what was miss dez doing over there dez was sugarcoating a lot of things not able to actually take accountability for those things and just being okay with everything not being her true full self what does miss janet do that made it the problem what's this janet black she settled for less than than what she should have she over compensated in love and never got anything in return did she request or require anything in return no she knew yeah played herself cheating yeah she's going no but it is i was really she was now let me ask this because i want you to be clear what specifically did she do in your relationships with men marcia trusts nobody nobody so the moment any man enters into my life marcia is like nope and doesn't even give him a chance and then you'll just do things and act up yeah and i get that so let her know you don't need that protection anymore i don't need your protection anymore appreciate you i appreciate you thank you yeah you you cute girl but you gotta step back and trust that tracy could do this yes good and what specifically did janet do in relationships i don't know she was a monster is she the problem yes she was definitely the problem one of the things that i know as an alpha woman because i'm an alpha woman i really am but i'm in touch with the woman part not just the alpha part but i do remember and recognize a time where i would go for less than me when we're a queen instead of looking for the king we look for the carriage driver because we know we can make it i'm just telling the secrets because i want us to heal you understand we'll look for the carriage driver we'll look for the jail keeper we're looking for the streets we can stay in charge i tell you i got a wig at home her name is ronnie i got ask me how i know so that is the thing we think and we've been taught that in order for us to truly be women it's bad it's wrong and we're weak and black women can be a lot of things they can't be weak we can be fat we can be ashy okay we can be a lot of things but we cannot be weak that's our kryptonite we've been taught that our feminine side our soft side our vulnerable side our receptive side our open side we've been taught that that's a weakness and it isn't what we have to do is take the pants off and learn how to be alpha in our in our panties like that yeah because it's possible i think we should have a retirement party you think so come on come on let's go we're gonna go have a retirement party yes come on we're gonna have a party okay elder woman you go first what are you surrendering and releasing the need to control relationships in my life yeah bye bertha bye bye birthday yeah you're next i'm letting go of the anger and the childhood pain and the controlling and the fighting and the all of all of it [Music] i'm letting go of the self-sabotage i'm letting go of the guard that i have protecting other people i'm ready to live my own life thank you janet see ya wouldn't want to beat you baby girl what you doing i am letting go of the false identity and not being able to feel like i'm enough bye girl oh i can't even see your number okay good let's go be on our way to some kind of something new when you don't show up as who you are people fall in love with who you are not in letting go these women have a lot to gain most importantly they are gaining and growing themselves one of the things i would invite you to consider as women is wherever you find yourself and whatever you go through get the lesson and move on as opposed to staying there buying stock in the condo in when you get the lesson and move on you evolve you evolve to the next thing and sometimes the next thing is the same thing but life is saying to you how you gonna handle it this time can you hear me are you gonna do it the same way and make the same mistakes yeah all right why because we get an endless supply do-overs like that i love that okay so one of the things that i really wanted to do was to ground you in a nuke so based on the work that you've done i've chosen a new way forward for each of you so for you our elder lady the healer not one who fixes people but one who guides them leads them supports them into their wholeness your publicist you can help people and this is your new card i want you to read it so that i know you have something that you're grounded in the healer is one who facilitates supports and guides people to a state of mental emotional physical and spiritual well-being through faith prayer and wise counsel guiding principle is wisdom okay miss birthday girl i really don't want you to change anything i just want you to channel it differently [Music] that's who you are the warrior not the fighter people fight for money you do worn battle for honor that's what the warrior does read your card to your sister's embodies practices and consistently demonstrates a commitment to self-mastery and truth knowing that it is only through truth and knowledge can she break the shackles of emotional bondage and become free guiding principle courage not boldness brashness the guiding light you've been in your purpose and didn't even know it [Music] every single one of these women spoke to how they saw you in your field in your industry and maybe you didn't realize what you were doing for them at the time and let them know what you're standing on what you standing for what you're standing in what you're standing with mentor a teacher and trainer who aid to others by teaching and protecting them she is a demonstration of feminine leadership who serves as an example guiding principle leadership study it study leadership wanna rush and grow up and get it done what'd you say be the power broker i want you to take your time it's just me the princess just let us take care of you for a little while [Music] one who is striving to achieve their inner experience of womanhood by way of self-confidence intelligence and independence and activities relating to exploration discovery self-expression and creativity guiding principle passion the princess is developing the inner experience of a woman because so many of us didn't do that one of the things that i did once i realized how out of order i was as a woman because i didn't see it at home i had to look for it in the world it's my guidance committee and what it is is pictures of the things and people from which i draw my power that's for me the first thing is christ because if he was ever in a jam yeah so i i really want to encourage you when you go home who is your guidance committee what women do you look to they're all in history because this country was built on the back of this quest you have to look far madame cj walker you want to be a bar broker you need to study matter cj walker do you even know who she is i watched the movie yeah first black millionaire first black female but know who she is know her journey not what she did one last thing that i think we failed to do as women is to pledge our loyalty to one another so put your things down for a minute stand up i'll pray for you i pray for you you pray for me you pray for me i won't harm you i won't harm you with words from my mouth from my mouth i am who is a woman what is it that makes her a woman the life the beauty the love is a woman well she's all that she feels she's all that she sees she's all that she understands all that she embraces all that she stands with stands on and stands for who is a woman she's everyone because all of us come from here [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] all you ladies yo [ __ ] like this [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] my back [Music] it [Music] [Applause] midnight bye [Music] you

2021-05-06 22:31

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