my mental health hasn't been good, besties

my mental health hasn't been good, besties

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(upbeat pop music) - Good morning. This is just really a lot of vlogging in Drew's car lately, but that's just the way it's gonna go. You're gonna see me in both cars, but I will fill up his car with gas when we get home. And then we'll switch out our cars, just so that like my car isn't sitting there for too long. But anyways, I'm headed out this morning to the east side.

I'm going back to Highland Park, and I'm gonna meet up with my friend Karina, and we're gonna go thrifting. We're gonna go to this like really cool plus size secondhand store. It's like a resale, trade-in, thrift store type of thing. And actually Karina and I have been talking about going to this place since like early 2020, maybe late 2019. And then obviously like the pandemic happened and stuff.

And then like, there were a couple times where I was gonna come out here and visit, and then I didn't et cetera, et cetera. So now it's happening. I'm so, so excited.

We're actually gonna meet for lunch beforehand. It's like, I guess right before 11:00 AM. I got my nails done yesterday. I don't know if you can see that, but they're kind of like modern, like, you know how a lot of people are doing 'em, but they're also kind of like 80s and 90s nails, which I also really love. I tried Gel X for the first time and I really love them.

So I will definitely be going back to this nail salon. A million percent difference, way, way better experience than last time. So yeah, let's head into the east side, and we'll you know, brunch and shop, and do all that fun stuff. And I'll take you along with me.

So let's do it. (upbeat guitar music) (upbeat guitar music continues) - Look who's here! - [Karina] Hi! - It's Karina! - [Karina] Hi! - We're just bopping around. Oh, sorry.

(laughs) - I'm like, yeah, we're walking. - We're walking and talking. - We're gonna check out Big Bud Press.

- Yes. We've never been in store before, and you've never tried on any of their stuff, right? - Yeah. So I'm so excited that we get to try it out right now. - Yeah. So let's let's see what they're all about in person. (upbeat pop music) - Sorry. I'm gonna move her.

- Oh no, were you filming? Oh I was about to say. - Yeah, it was just B roll. - Okay. - Hey. - Hey.

We're taking photos. Look at this. So cute. - It's so cute. It smells a little 'cause we're on a trash can, but it's fine. - Yeah, your very glorious you know, content creation.

(laughs) - Only the finest from me. (Karina laughs) (car horn honking) All right. On my way home now. And that was so lovely. It was so nice to just spend a few hours together and chat.

We got coffee, we went to a couple shops as you saw, and then we got some lunch, and now I'm almost home. I'm gonna go home and probably relax a bit, get a little bit more work done, and we'll check in later. (comedic music) So, well um, okay yes I'm in my pajama shirt 'cause I just put on fake tan. I don't wanna talk about that, but I just wanted to give a word to the wise for those of you who are considering getting lash extensions. Yeah. I don't know how to explain how bald my eyes are since taking my lashes off.

And by the way, I followed instructions to the t, like used the proper remover, didn't pull any of my natural lashes out with it, like did it extremely gently. And like I have hardly any lashes left. This is the most bald, which like, it's hard to tell because my lashes are pretty light colored anyway. But I put on mascara the day that I took them off, and it was jarring. I know they'll grow back in a few weeks, and I've considered getting like a lash serum, but I've heard mixed opinions on that as well. But yeah, my eyes are bald.

So if you consider getting lash extensions maybe think about it because honestly if I had known what it was gonna look like after getting them off, I don't know if I would've done it. There's just like, oh, there's no lashes there. It's so sad. But it's a few days later now, and I'm gonna do my makeup and just update you a little bit on like what's been going on with me and my life and just do like a little get ready with me kind of moment. I just finished doing my hair. I think I'm gonna film a couple of videos for my main channel.

Today is Tuesday and ever since Friday, I wanna say, so I think the last thing I filmed was on Thursday, and then Friday was the weirdest day ever. I woke up and I had the weirdest dream. It was like something from my past. And it was just like really sad. And when I woke up from my dream it just like threw me off, you know? But like, in a way that I haven't really experienced in a while. And I don't know, it's just kind of weird how like dreams can mess with your head like that.

But I've heard a lot of people say that. By the way this is just gonna be very chatty and like off the cuff. So if this isn't like your type of thing, that's totally fine. You can catch the next vlog, but I just feel like chatting and catching up. So yeah, that kind of did my head in, and I was just in a really weird head space on Friday. I'll get into that.

But then Friday afternoon, Drew and I were like, "hey, let's go to Disneyland. That sounds like a great way to end the week." We were on our way and we were on the freeway, and we're in like almost dead stop traffic. Like I would say at most we were going five to seven miles per hour, and Drew and I were singing the Hercules soundtrack. Like we were singing Zero to Hero, and all of a sudden the car in front of us, was like a minivan.

I think USPS is picking up my package. So Layla is gonna have something to say about that. But all of a sudden this minivan, I see their reverse lights come on, and I see it happening in slow motion. And all of a sudden they start reversing at full speed towards my car, which is stopped and just - boom! Right into the front of my car.

And Drew and I were just like... huh? So we go pull over. We like pull over to the side of the freeway there. We got off the exit and he gets out, Drew gets out of the car to like, go talk to him. And he's just like, "it's a rental car!" Like what he was saying wasn't making very much sense.

Everything was fine. Everyone's cars were fine, but it was just so bizarre. So while we were pulled off the exit, Drew was like, hey, you should get gas. There's a gas station right there.

Like we had talked about getting gas, and like so you don't have to do it, you know on the way home from Disneyland or something. I was like, good idea. So we pull into this gas station. Keep in mind this is less than 90 seconds after this car accident. So we pull into the gas station and I go to put in my card, and it's like taking a really long time to process. And it's like, the screen is like cutting out and stuff.

And I was like, okay, that's weird. And then it just says like choose your fuel and start pumping. So I pump, and then Drew starts walking inside, and he goes inside to get us like some snacks.

And I'm still, keep in mind, like a little bit shaky, like you know how you get like shaky after a car accident. So I'm like still feeling a little shaky, but I'm fine. Like obviously everyone was fine. And then all of a sudden this man comes out of nowhere and just starts yelling at me, "you're pumping my gas!!!" and he's like literally yelling. And I'm like, what? And he is like, "you're pumping my gas! The lady at the gas pump is giving you my gas!" and all this stuff. And "you owe me $40!" And I was like, what? And I'm still I'm like processing what he is trying to say.

And I'm so confused. And he's like, "you're taking money away from my kids!" That's what he kept saying. "You're taking money away from my kids! Look at them in the car!" And at first I thought I was being scammed 'cause I was so confused as to what was going on. I was like, sorry... I'm pumping your gas at MY gas pump? And he was like, "the lady gave the wrong gas, like she assigned gas to the wrong pump" or something like that.

And I was just like, okay, so what - like go talk to her! And he was like "she can't shut it off because you're pumping the gas!" I'm like, okay. Like if you wanna get somewhere with me like please stop yelling. So then whatever, I'm like, okay, like I'll go inside with you.

Let's figure this out. So we go inside or as I'm walking inside the attendant comes out, and she's just like, "hey, you're pumping his gas." And I go, "at my gas pump?" I don't remember if he told them the wrong gas pump number or if she assigned the gas to the wrong pump. But either way I was indeed pumping his gas which makes sense to why, like, you know it was acting weird with my card, but anyways, we survived. I came inside the gas station where Drew was like in line buying snacks with a random man and a gas station attendant. And Drew was just like... what is going on?

So confusing, but whatever, we figured it out. So we ended up just like putting his gas on our card. Anyway.

And so all of that happened within a literal five minute period. It was so weird. And then we went to Disneyland and had a great time. Like it was really fun. We went on the tea cups for the first time at night and just had like a cute little date night. And then we didn't get home till like one in the morning.

So that was really fun. We haven't gone to Disneyland just the two of us since like 2019, probably. So that was a really good time.

But anyways, yeah. So now we're back to the current time in my life and yeah, I don't know. I did, I know I'm like all laughey and smiley, but that's kind of what I do. Like I do actually struggle with like being direct and serious... and dropping makeup. I don't know how to like explain this.

How do I start it? 'Cause like I don't wanna give off the wrong impression on social media. Like I do feel, everyone talks about this, obviously it's like so played out like how often people talk about this, but social media is, you know, very much like a highlight reel, and you only see the parts of someone's life that they choose to show. And usually it's good things.

I can't believe I'm doing this entire thing in my freaking pajamas that have like bleach stains on it, but whatever. This is like my fake tan uniform. This is what I wear when I apply fake tan.

This is so hard to do while talking. Yeah. I've been going through it. I've been going through it the last few days. And like my mental health actually has not been good at all. And so it's fascinating when you put content out there, and I'm sure this happens to anyone even if you don't make content online, like people are like, "you're glowing! You look like you're thriving!" and in like a lot of ways yes, I absolutely am.

But in a lot of ways I'm like, I don't know. I'm going, I'm having a hard time. I've got to finish this 'cause I cannot do it and talk at the same time.

Oh this is bad. Oh no. Oh they just look not the same. It's course, like you're not gonna really be able to tell that much on camera, but yeah. All right. Let me finish this and then we'll reconvene 'cause this is I'm already being way too winded.

Okay. So here is the finished result. I don't know if it's gonna be able to be like that visible because of my eyeliner, but yeah. Anyways, so I've just been going through some weird feelings and I don't know if, like I kind of wanna open up about this because I'm sure that there are people who can relate. And at first I just thought maybe I wouldn't address it at all because it feels kind of like, I don't know.

Sometimes I like to be cognizant of what I share and what I keep private, of course. And I've been, you know, doing a lot more of that in recent years, being online, like being very comfortable not sharing a lot of things about my personal life and just living a more like private life and yeah everything that I'm showing you is like genuine and it's my life, but it's also very, I'm very aware of what it is that I'm showing and what it is that I'm keeping private. But like, I do think that this is something that probably a lot of us go through especially if you're like me and you're in your thirties or maybe even your twenties or I don't even know like it could probably happen at any age, but what I'm trying to get at is that I am spiraling and having sort of like a between quarter and midlife crisis about the past, and just change, and like old versions of myself. And I feel like I've lived like ten different lifetimes in my own life.

And I've lived in so many different places. Like I've lived in Arizona and Tennessee and Virginia and Maine and California and all these different places. And like each of those chapters in my life was very much like a chapter in my life. And there were people in my inner circle who I was super, super close to. You're gonna hear cars going by, I'm sorry. It's like lunchtime so people are moving around.

But like everything about my life then in whatever chapter that was is like totally different than now. So like my coworkers, my job, who I was hanging out with, who I was dating, and like I started going through like old hard drives and looking at old photos and videos. I started watching my old privated YouTube videos from like 2013 when, you know, I started my channel for the first time.

I was watching old videos of my family. And like a lot of those people aren't around anymore, you know, they've since passed away. And like I was looking at old videos and pictures of Layla from when she was a baby and like, you know she's getting old, and that's like a huge thing that I'm struggling with is like her getting older and watching, you know her abilities like decline. And it's just really, really sad.

And I don't wanna talk about that 'cause I will like absolutely lose it. But I don't know. I just started like going through, I'm becoming like obsessed with the past.

Does that make sense? My best friend was like, you're probably processing stuff from your past because you're in like a more safe and settled and calm place in your life now. So maybe like your body and your brain are like ready to start processing some stuff. And so that's just like old things are coming up, but I don't know. And I haven't been able to shake it. So like one day I, let's say I go down a rabbit hole, and I read all of my old Facebook posts going back to like 2011. Or another day I will go through photos from like friends who have passed away or family members or, you know, remembering like when people were really close to me in my life and they're not anymore or whatever.

I would like go on Zillow. And is this like... Am I being too open here? I don't know. Maybe a lot of us can relate, but like going on Zillow and looking up addresses of like my childhood homes or friends' homes, going through the photos just to like feel those memories. And like, I can pretty much sum it up by saying that like, I think I'm, I'm affected on like a totally different level by nostalgia.

Like nostalgia affects me so deeply. Like a song can literally like bring me to my knees or like make me sob or a smell or a place or a memory or whatever. Like I feel things so incredibly deeply when it comes to nostalgia, and like I've been feeling so nostalgic for like past me.

Does that make sense? Anyways, I'm going on a million different tangents but I just, like, I was looking back at old me and like missing her and feeling like, where did she go? Like there are so many aspects of her that I feel like I've lost over the years. There are so many things that I am like so grateful for that we are like currently in now. I am so grateful for like how much I've grown like how much growth and healing has taken place. You know, I was like a, I was coming from a much more traumatized place back then, and I just feel like I'm a lot more compassionate and just like a better person in general now. But I don't know, like I was thinking back, and I was like crying the other day on the phone with my best friend 'cause I was like, "we're never gonna be 16 again, and like sitting in the Cracker Barrel parking lot and like listening to our favorite songs, and it's never gonna be 2005 again!" (laughs) Like all this kind of stuff.

And like, we can very much still make new memories now, but I don't know. It's just, it's, it's weird. Growing up is weird.

I literally feel like Layla was two years old like a year ago, and now she's eleven and a half or something, and it's just like, oh my God, like where has the time gone? Like what just happened? I was sixteen the last time I checked, and now I'm 34 turning 35. I'm actually closer to 35 now than I am 34, which is terrifying. And I fully, fully, fully fully think that getting older and growing up and aging, et cetera, is a fucking blessing. Like I fully believe that with my whole heart. And I'm so grateful that like, I'm still here, but there are just like parts of me that are just so deeply nostalgic for the past.

Like I don't know. I could cry talking about it, but I just think about like, I'm never gonna like live with my dad again, you know? And it's just things like that. Like do you know what I mean? And I, again, I'm like laughing it off 'cause it's like nervous energy, but it's really like thrown me for a loop. And I'm hoping that maybe by talking about it other people can relate and like maybe I'm not alone.

And maybe a lot of us do that. And we go back through like old Facebook photos and posts and videos and just sit there and are like, what, what just happened? Like where did the time go? I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but hopefully that makes sense. So I don't know. It's just what I've been kind of going through for the last few days.

I will say, that I do think a lot of this is like ADHD related possibly. Maybe because I am like really impulsive, and I'll like hyper fixate on stuff for a while. And I do think that that's like part of ADHD, and I also do very much know that like it will pass because it always does. This has happened a couple times before, and in the past I used to sort of like react to it immediately.

So I would like uproot my entire life, and say I was like feeling impulsive. And I was like, "I'm gonna move back to Arizona." And I was in Tennessee or something. I would like literally pack up my life and do that. And instead of that, you know, now I'm just sort of like recognizing that these things are gonna ebb and flow and like it's gonna pass.

I very much always have believed this way. And I think my dad is this way also. And I have my like impulsive brain, and I have my logical brain. Like I feel like I have two brains in here. And my logical brain knows that, okay, that's just your impulsive brain.

Like you can't really trust these thoughts. So like hopefully by the time this video even goes up like I will be feeling much, much better. But yeah, I just wanted to say that like if you're going through this, you're not alone.

And also this type of thing on social media, you know, this like very curated, perfect life that you see people living is not always accurate. And like, I just wanted to show that, that like, yeah I've had some really low down days. Like today is the first day that I've done my hair and makeup in days.

I, you know had to come into the bathroom like when Drew was showering the other day, and I was just crying, and he was like, oh my God, are you okay? And I was just like, "wahhh!" You know, and I had to like go for walks and talk on the phone with my best friend. And I booked another therapy appointment, and talked to my mom, talked to my dad, you know reached out to my support system and stuff. And like, I, you're just absolutely not alone if you're going through something like that. And also these last few years, they have been fucking impossible.

I mean, it's just been so, so ridiculous. So yeah, I mean, give yourself some slack. It's probably normal that I'm just having feelings like this where I'm just like, what am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What is my plan? What is, you know, my purpose, all this different stuff. So anyways, I've been blabbing for far too long, but I just felt the need to like get this out you know.

I will be speaking with a professional as well. Okay. I'm gonna go film some videos now. I feel much better, but thank you for being here. I am sending you a lot of love, and I will see you in the next vlog. Bye!

(relaxed music)

2022-07-24 09:14

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