I ruined the new Bitlife Stock Market update
hey there friends how's it going today we are playing some bit life a new update came out that'll finally let me live my childhood dream I remember when I was a three-year-old and I begged my parents to allow me to become a crypto bro well now I can do it so first name Satoshi after the people who invented Bitcoin or the person said Toshi I am a jokey that's a great name okay as pale as can be because he never leaves the house why are you looking at me I just make fun of him not me thank you I can't make his eyes dollar signs that's disappointing all right well I still made him terrifying we're ready to go oh my God it looks like someone's threatening that baby because it has his name Satoshi I'm a joki and then the gun I actually gave him a specialty of crime that's his special ability I don't think we'll need it but I figured it would be handy just in case you know I might get involved with some casual fraud what is this new button you can just pray now okay just have a little prayer what the hell it came up that I'm suffering from mumps and then I went to the doctor and he's like no you don't you don't have anything you're fine okay well I guess I'll just go on with my life while playing in the neighborhood your friend Samuel tells you to fake a fall on your neighbor's driveway because then you can sue them for lots of money what will you do that's a great idea to start off in crypto I think to fall but it only hurts a lot and I didn't get any money damn I really thought that would work is there any club for crypto in school it probably gets sued what's closest to crypto then ah gambling board games Club join the club what does this road sign mean I'm trying to get my driver's license um people asking for money ahead I'm definitely taking a detour okay we're gonna have to find a job now to get money to make more money with that original money but I only need little money because when I take little money and put it in crypto I make big money and then I put big money in I make huge money then I'm millionaire that's my plan excellent I got a job as a porn set janitor great I'll have a little pray make your wish I can actually pick something well of course it's wealth wait what I have to watch an ad to pray okay I just became an atheist are you sure you want to curse the bit like that yes what okay this is abuse of power what just you just took away all my assets and yeah I meant that like as an ass and assets because I look at my looks I got nothing to go with now that's all I had in life my Bitcoin aspirations and my ass I called the bitlife devs money grubbing dingbat I mean look I play a lot of bit life but he's kinda got a point like I was just trying to pray and now Samuel has made you his enemy what are you a bit life Dev or something Samuel I'm depressed all right can I pray again then I'm gonna curse them again I'm doubling down I drew a picture of the bit life Debs and ripped it to shreds while cursing them I felt like Satoshi I'm a joke he was doing so well but now all of a sudden he's 19 a porn said janitor and depressed and my mother is constipated this just isn't fair why does everything bad happen to I am a jokey and now Garrett has unfriended me insult him one last time you're just as bad as the bit life devs oh great now I have welts on my body I've been cursed I've broken out in the hives I'm just gonna [ __ ] die aren't I okay well I have 10 grand from cleaning up porn sets so I may as well oh wait wait hold on my parents gifted me this piano I can sell it and invest it in crypto yes take the offer my parents are gonna be so pissed but Mom piano coins gonna be the next big thing okay it's time to take my ass set and invest them well invest them okay so I'm gonna ask Mom just in case what she thinks I've heard now is the time to invest in stocks no Mom I'm investing in coins all right crypto currency I really don't like his parents what's Dad gonna say consumer sector I don't even know what that means I'm investing in crypto well it took my ass and I was like oh maybe I should go into bum coin but but um I think cake coin also works and what about some hump coin I'm going all in on hump coin I'm buying 22 home coins come on I'm suffering from anxiety I want it I just put all my money into hump coin yes 16 return your enemy Samuel started a rumor that you have a warrant out for your arrest on kidnapping charges that's pretty extreme I'm gonna allow I'm a jokey to start a rumor about him to see what he comes up with you start a rumor that your enemy is addicted to oh nose candy okay I thought you were just gonna say candy I was like like that's not a great comeback but yeah that's that's pretty good yeah he has a serious drug problem oh great I can finally boost my health a free Zumba class yeah bounce it whoa look at that it was one inch from Death after one Zumba class he's a third of his potential oh no I forget you actually have to read the books and they say okay do something easier then go to the gym that way I don't have to do anything for you there we go we're up to 38 now okay time to age up and see how much money I get from hump coin yes that's Karma yes I knew this would happen he was trapped in an avalanche and died while snowboarding foreign ly starting to turn around I think I should double down on this crypto thing I'm gonna attend his funeral and just stand there laughing wait what oh no I'm getting bad at karma for some reason while mopping up the porn set at work you slip and receive a minor injury to your hip what'll you do mop on I'm a jokey mop on okay I need to diversify my um my interests I think what else do we have I mean with penny stocks local companies uh I don't know what any of these are what what's the porn company actually no they're if they're leaving spills everywhere and employees are falling over like a normal person would sue for that it's just Satoshi majoki has had experience with that and they didn't get anywhere so they were just like guess I don't I don't get any money out of this I just got hurt a lot what do we got here Tweeter Telecom Inc Bond or corporate bond that sounds good wait is Elon Musk in charge in this universe or not because that has a massive impact on whether I invest or not wait I clicked on it and the risk is all in red I'll like those odds I'm going all in uh-oh I haven't even like properly digested the information on the screen but that sound alone like when I get my financial report at the end of the year anytime my accountant sends that little sound clip as an attachment I know it's bad news he also sends it every single year okay so when your return minus 103 wow all right I thought I could only go to minus 100 but that's fine that's fine I will manage uh the best performing asset is camel coin at minus 19 okay the next year was a bit better and I have a bit more money to invest so let's see what else I can get wait I should probably sign up for social media so I can tweet about crypto all the time because people really like that okay I've signed up for every social media now I just gotta wait for people to follow me because with a name like that they know that out of all the people just guessing randomly about crypto on the internet I'm the one who actually understands it and you know what I think I I've had many years and a porn set janitor industry I think I can move up in the world to pornography historian he knows everything about it in the interview I said I like a workplace that is inspiring every day and that's why he wants to be employed by caveman adult theater as a pornography historian I'm gonna ask my parents for money so I can invest in crypto 200 awesome what are the crypto coins I'm looking for something oh I should have got into bum coin I knew it at the time it called out to me but I was distracted by hump coin oh look that could have been me I mean it's still crashing at the end there but that could have been me I would have been happy for a few seconds all right I'm gonna go into the worst coin the just STFU coin and I'm gonna go all in on this I spend all of my money just hoping one will take off every time my depression is gone so that's a good sign and my anxiety is gone that's a great sign yes I made 300 all right look if the if money bought him happiness and it only cost 300 that's pretty cheap actually that's a good deal while waiting for food at the drive-through a hillbilly calls you a jackass how I'm in the care right is he is he a friend of mine in the Cara with me I don't understand I'm gonna forgive him anyway where is the financial advice that I can say isn't financial advice when I tweet about financial advice fine I'll just do a dance video instead I got zero likes and lost three followers maybe it wasn't a good idea since his looks are only at nine percent but he's smarter at zero percent so it explains why he did it in the first place yes okay I'm really doing well now I got a 10 return two grand that year that's awesome that's loads of money to just invest in crypto and what is this while on your walk you find a briefcase oh I guess it's mine now three hundred dollars going straight into crypto a financial advisor although that's kind of my job I am advising Satoshi I am a jokey I'll just look in the newspaper Financial rebound not in the cards for hump I'm never reading the newspaper again they are wrong you're unable to find anyone interested in becoming your financial advisor how surely someone would be willing to take advantage of me I'm a jokey okay I've seen from the praying thing that the bit life developers are just crazy with power so I'm going to look for anything that relates to their companies okay they have a game called Dog Life I'll go into the dog life pet Corporation and I'll buy all the shares I can your supervisor Jada approaches you and tells you that she needs you to start putting in four more hours a week of unpaid overtime okay hold on so there's a lot to digest here I'm a pornography historian hey that's a job like who's paying me B I have a supervisor see why is there a need for overtime in pornography history word explain that I can't do that I gotta like look into crypto and stuff yes I'm making a good return the worst performing asset was the stock so I'm never buying stocks again I like on the stocks one does bad and I'm like well that's the Stock's fault and then for crypto I just keep doubling down okay I think I need to step become coming like a public figure so I can chill the things that I'm invested in but for that I'm definitely gonna have to be smarter and I'm gonna have to look better so let's go get some surgery I'll start by asking them for brain surgery to fix the smart issue and if not I'll just get like a load of cosmetic surgery okay no brain surgery but I could get a penis enlargement surgery that might be good I'm 500 short okay well next year I'll have loads of money well I got fired I guess for not doing the overtime never mind about the loads of money I also lost money on my portfolio I also lost five followers because for some reason a hacker hacked me and told the world that you stalk Skrillex okay well before they fired me I still got my yearly salary so it's time for surgery I was gonna say this will be a great disguise if I have to flee the country that sound means it was botched um but yeah as I was saying I guess that that kind of surgery wouldn't really help you hide your identity all right let's see what happened okay it was completely botchy he's a botched penis it happens you know just laugh it off get on with your life play the lottery hope for the best maybe we can fix it God damn it I didn't win can I sue someone oh yeah doctor oh wait I have loads of people to sue here who would I do first I guess Dr Goldfarb I'm gonna just look for 50 grand for losing my penis I think that's a fair ask you won your lawsuit of 50 Grand okay awesome now I can sue the others with the money I made from that one so my supervisor first I want five grand and I'm gonna spend three and a half Grand paying for it you lost they laughed in my face while I was leaving the courtroom well then I'm just going to sue the the actual place that hired me you lost oh okay well I still have 45 000 from the initial one honestly getting a botched penis was the best thing that ever happened to I'm a jokey although that's not saying much because his life has just been pain that pretty much the only emotion he experiences is pain but not to worry we're gonna get him a mail-order bride yep I didn't even look who it was just yeah that'll do wait how did I end up with more money money from a mail order bride what happened there she washes dishes at a cafe I don't understand how she had so much money then but look I guess when it comes to love it doesn't really matter how much money someone has because either way I'm putting it all into crypto okay if I know my wife which I don't she'd wanted all going in to zitcoin there we go 139 000. now that's a gamble I mean now that's an investment a job and I'm rich wait no I'm not I've lost quite a lot but that's okay some of your friends are going to a local casino okay hey I don't have any friends and B a casino is a terrible idea let's go I'm gonna put it all on Blackjack and 11 easy hit me I'm so good at Blackjack let's double down once more just so I have enough money to get by we'll just stand on the 17. I hate Blackjack your wife is arguing with you because you lost money at the casino oh just wait till you hear what I did with the rest of it then you're gonna be delighted because you're gonna make millions on the rest I'm amazed this guy is still alive despite of being cursed by the bit life devs he's hanging on in there at 29 years old how's my portfolio doing oh does red mean good by any chance what does the wife have to say she told you she has no clue me neither but it doesn't stop me okay the market health and bonds is awful I feel if I get in now they can only go up I'm going to go with the Swiss because why not oh yeah and you need money to invest my bad I'll be back next year with some money first I need a job who would hire me a cameraman I guess he's seen cameras being used just don't give any context and we might get it why should we hire you I have the necessary skills I'll make you look smart I mean that's true but that's just because he's overwhelmingly stupid knowing him he just replied I'm not sure you should but we're gonna say I have the necessary skills yes lying works I'm gonna have 50 Grand a year to invest in [ __ ] crypto coins now I got anxiety again as soon as he starts to get money he gets instant anxiety you come across a duffel bag filled with what appears to be PCP what will you do sell that bad boy oh God I got caught oh no I'm getting arrested for drug trafficking I was in trafficking I was just trying to make a quick Buck should I try and probably God damn it I lost my job now and everything I'm just gonna cooperate and uh we're gonna hire a good defense uh Frost and Boozer they won me that lawsuit that one time they also lost to me the other two but one out of three isn't too bad if you plead guilty you will receive a two-year sentence but then I lose my job and either way I'm making money on the inside of my crypto so I'd rather take my chances and get I I have five years in prison I'll see you in a while ah the wife got a divorce almost immediately this is a problem because we had a prenup but uh I spent all of her money wait what I don't understand so she was worth a hundred thousand at the time of marriage and she'll walk away with 41 000. I was worth 78 000 and I'm getting half a million in total assets is that because like I bought the crypto with her money but like it was my crypto or what either way I'm depressed oh my God I knew Bitcoin was a good idea that's the one that went up 400 percent and I put all of her money into it oh it's good to be divorced yes 1.5 million good things do happen to bad people uh the only thing is I can't cash out oh no and a crackhead came up and bit me on the neck it sure wasn't like a vampire I'm gonna go to the doctor and hope that I can get checked for that I'm rich now I should be getting the best of Medical Care speaking of I'm rich now I just made eight and a half million dollars okay one more year don't crash don't cry oh you [ __ ] wait another year I thought I was getting out okay okay that's this is a good start yes I was gonna cash out but the game didn't let me awesome 25 million this is one of my richest characters ever and all I've been going is like YOLO have my wife's money so I'm gonna hang out next to you at an offset concert offers you 17 000 to bring a parcel to Canada all expenses paid I'm not falling for that one again because I really don't think they'll believe that it was a coincidence and I didn't know what I was doing this time I mean they didn't believe it first time either but the second time surely they wouldn't believe it I like the answer for yes it's just short people like this band so yeah I I like the same music as you I'll smuggle drugs over the Border no problem okay Health can I boost my health um what a friend is offering you to bring a ghost yoga class what what is a gold yoga class is that yoga like with goats or yoga for goats is the goat teaching the yoka normally I'd never stay in bed but I've got this okay we're gonna take some of the money out I'm Gonna Leave a lot of it in there but I'm gonna take some out because I'm minus 23 000 right now this has just been going through the roof I'm gonna sell some of it I want to sell half half of everything I have is going and I'm going to invest in something else wait wait I have to pay taxes this sucks I'm tempted to not report the sale because I have that botched penis you know I'm not usadoshi I'm a jokey I'm someone else like I have a botched penis I I couldn't be that guy but I I'm gonna play it safe and Report the sale to pay the tax because I feel like if I go to jail again everything will crash and I'll lose it all all right now that I have money I need to buy happiness because his stats are still like this so I'm just gonna go in and say to Dr Don that I want everything just give me everything do you think they can fix the damage that was done I'll go to doctor Don to see ow no it's botched again all right start a lawsuit and I actually have money now so I'm very dangerous I want 1 million damages maybe his penis isn't worth that much um let's say a hundred thousand Hill and Bush are gonna defend me on this one and I lost okay well that's a slight problem because now I can't go to the good surgeon for the rest of my plastic surgery so I'll just go to the Bad Doctor look at that it's botched I gotta stop because he could actually die and we we were slowly getting up there we had some Assets in the green and now we're back down to this okay it's lawsuit time again I want a hundred thousand you won yes all right I just got a load of free plastic surgery that did nothing for him he's is happy now but that's only because he won his lawsuit and it's just a pride thing he didn't even need the money look at this I'm reading a book to try and make him smack well actually he's not reading it he's just flipping over each page and like yeah I touched every page I pretty much read the thing I also read the little blurb on the back but they're offering me to watch the movie instead which I know is just gonna be an ad so out of stubbornness I'm not doing it I'm clicking all of the pages like I wouldn't mind if if I didn't pay for this but I paid for this service I'm a bit isn't God damn it it's a citizen but in bit Life by the way I paid like five euros for that service I know they're like oh you still want to watch ads though maybe do you like ads okay that's it I'm running for president hold on let's slow down a second my looks are still awful they'd never elect me what about instead of surgery I just like went to the gym and actually tried to look after myself there we go he's dating someone look how happy he is all of a sudden and he's still looks like [ __ ] but other than that life is pretty good and he has enough money to make up for it okay can we emigrate somewhere where they like won't tax me is that a good idea I I probably should have done that beforehand but hey better late than never the Bahamas I don't actually know anything about the Bahamas other than a lot of people who don't like taxes go there so I'm gonna go to the Bahamas your girlfriend Kelly has refused to go with you oh no uh anyway I'm going to the Bahamas your girlfriend Kelly has left you no no no I left her I went to the Bahamas so let's say I go to sell like just just like one more coin and sell it and that's it that's all I had to do oh man I just lost like six million dollars for no reason it is what it is that's pretty much the same reaction as when he lost his penis I was like oh man yeah well foreign by just throwing a million dollars at the campaign and I didn't even make it onto the ballot okay well time to diversify my portfolio by just investing in a different uh crypto I'm gonna go into Dill coin wait wasn't bomb coin the one that was huge earlier wow a huge bomb there but and it is going back up a little bit you know what screw it honey whim I'm just gonna throw in seven and a half million on it a job my depression's gone that's always a good sign my anxiety is gone another good sign and I lost four and a half million dollars actually though it's Bitcoin that that went down the my knowledge was great I have such a good understanding your mother tells you her friend works closely with the CFO of a company called tamper Pet Supply Corporation who can fight its stock prices will exponentially increase when its earning report is released I think I'll buy it I'm putting two and a half million into this I think I need to get out of Bitcoin it's oh yeah it it needs to it needs to go I'm selling all of it I'll take my 8 million thank you very much I still lost 2 million while gleefully singing carols at a Christmas party you suddenly notice a beautiful married woman who is very drunk holding mistletoe above your head you know what we get into trouble see if I care oh wait I never bought the stock did I oh wait no I did did what happened with it okay it went up maybe I should just put the rest of my money into this because it does seem to be going up I think she was telling the truth yes okay it offset some of my awful crypto Investments I'm going back into hump coin wait I don't have enough funds oh would I have to sell something but I want hump coin all right I'll just wait till next year when I make loads of money from this I lost 4 million okay this is worrisome is it a little bit concerning that the best part of my financial career is when I was locked away and not allowed to touch it okay I'm gonna liquidate everything and I'm when I head back to the United States and run for office I think it's a great idea he's proven that he's really smart oh yeah I have a criminal record okay well I'm leaving the country then or wait do I have like a lot of followers maybe I no no one cares about me what if I just like post a tweet a motivational quote because he's really he lost two followers I could go to the casino that'd be a quick way of earning a million dollars I got a five it hit me seven hit me I got 80. all right that's fine I'll just win all right well the casino is rigged so I'll just go back to what I'm good at digital gambling surely someone wants to be my financial advisor at 10 I'll do just fine without you Marcus hump on the way up that's what I was thinking too I'm gonna put all of my money in hump coin well most of my money I'll hang on to a little bit just in case nearly 13 million on hump coin age up and reap the rewards okay well I lost two and a half million but I I was actually doing it as a Long play because next year is when it really kicks in oh wait my dad's like oh yeah my friend's company is doing really good so I guess I'll just throw some money into that yeah you see the Long play oh hold on it was my dad's advice not not my one but my one actually did okay too camel coins at 18 it is natural that it it has like its humps and downs while on your walk you witness a movie director smoking in a prohibited area call the police immediately he attacked me with a brick and shattered my mouth I'll call the police again although I'm not sure if I'd be able to make that call after getting my mouth smashed with a brick doesn't matter though because I'm earning tons of money a reporter approaches you with an informal poll who should replace Elon Musk as CEO of Twitter an actual Bluebird it's like if he takes the bird's seed you do a yes on whatever the choice is and if he takes the nuts you vote no and I honestly think he would do a better job okay how can I flaunt my wealth because what's the point in having money if I'm not flaunting it I'm gonna go shopping and I'm gonna buy a big house I don't have any objects the only object I had was that piano that I sold that my parents had gifted me oh I want this cruising yacht I'll just live on the yards okay I gotta sell some of my portfolio for this I'm just gonna sell everything that my dad advised me about because I I don't like him getting the credit anyway and then I'm gonna accept that I lost money because I just clicked on everything and emigrate to the Bahamas before doing it again okay I need like four million here to just uh buy this boat that I want oh now that I've moved it's gone but there's even better options like I could buy a pirate ship for seven and a half million and you know I gotta buy the pirate ship there we go I have enough money to denied I don't have a boating license okay I'll take the test what is the name for the side of the phone I don't know I don't actually know this but I want the pirate ship you failed can I just take it again this time I'll know for sure oh don't ask me about the different side I the the stern yes that wasn't a guess I definitely knew that just as much as I know about cryptocurrency honestly they would just tell them the answers if this was real life if some lunatic came in and was like yeah I'll give you seven and a half million for that random pirate boat that's made out of wood I think they just got yeah look just let's see all right just buy the [ __ ] boat buy it with cash yes what'd they call it I'm gonna call it the crypto pirate yes he's happy now finally he's happy he has what he wants depression is gone my portfolio is crashing but it doesn't matter he loves that pirate ship his happiness is actually full for the first time in his life he's happy she probably send my dad a gift for that Financial advice he gave me um facial wax strips yeah he loves those Well he kind of likes them a little bit like there's a bit of appreciation there okay every year I'm losing a little bit of money now I better buy some shares in whatever company this is my mom is giving me advice while walking by a biker bear you come upon a leather clad biker about to Slit another man's throat okay I guess I'll just call the police they were too late and he died and I I am getting in trouble for insider trading my mom just gave me some random advice what are you talking about the rest may as well just be gambling I'm just rolling the dice and going oh yeah hump coin sounds promising I don't even know what it is wait I don't have enough money to get a defense no hold on let me just sell some of my crypto for God's sake oh I have to go with public defender now not guilty yes okay thank goodness I'm surprised logic actually prevailed wait no what I'm in jail why is he in jail I thought it was fine because it gave me a happy noise but then I look up and he's just in this jail cell and smiling at me okay well let's hope it goes as well as last time and I earned just as much money from just sitting in here okay not off to a great start I lost a million okay it's on the return camel coin is is taking a leap forward everyone is dying that I know while I'm in prison and they're not even allowing me out it's not like he's a violent prisoner well he is a bit of a violent prisoner but he's not in here for a violent crime okay released from prison how's my money doing I I'm doing okay I gotta get to the Bahamas fast oh wait I'm in the Bahamas I get arrested for Insider training in the Bahamas at least he's happy now though once he gets out at Sea he's just he loves the pirate life oh my God it cost a hundred thousand for maintenance and I don't have any money that's okay next year camel coins gonna blow up okay it blew up but for you know the wrong reasons it blew up the bad way no no while I'm peacefully cruising your pirate ship crypto pirate across cam Waters you notice the speedboat rapidly moving your direction as you attempt to outmaneuver the sudden threat it strikes Your Vessel and burst into flames why is it made out of wood tried to steer her back to shore save it oh she took on water and sank and you died what a strange ending for someone who's obsessed with crypto he died on a pirate ship accident career porn set janitor okay if that's what you find most notable fair enough his father couldn't be bothered to attend his services but I gave him those facial waxing strips he has no respect friends laugh as they recall the time he called the cops on a movie director okay I got smashed in the face with a brick so I don't know why you're laughing about that and second of all he didn't have any friends so I'm not sure who's laughing at him but it's not in good spirit well friends I'm afraid Satoshi I'm a jokey will have to rest in peace I hope you learned a lot just bear in mind none of this is officially Financial advice although if I do give my honest opinion if you do somehow get rich maybe don't invest it in a pirate ship I know it seems like nothing could possibly go wrong it seems like the best possible idea you could use your money on but trust me from experience things can go wrong pirate ships which haven't been maintained can sink just putting it out there thank you so much for watching I hope you enjoyed check out some of my content here I hope you'll enjoy that and I hope to see you next time bye for now
2023-01-09 13:34
