How To Make a Pearl

Hello. I. Need. Post-its. And pipe cleaners if you find him I. Don't. Know if you're going to those kind of stores. I. Need. Cereal. I. Need. Let's. See. Cherry tomatoes. Kale. Aveeno. Lotion, I. Don't. Have a, lot. Of anything I, got. Two carrots, and. Some. Beets, so. I need yeah I sort. Of need all that vegetable, e stuff. And. And. Blueberries. Blueberries. Yeah, I. Have. Some bread and. Okay. We'll see you will see you real soon. Every. Day I choose, what I'm gonna do, in. The light because, I only have I can only do it for so long any, given time before, I start to burn. Love. Drawing. It's. Like my it's like my, window, a window into, a, you. Know time in the light. Let's. Throw a sketch. Where. It's going I'm. Not sure everybody do the Hat or not. This. Photograph. This, is IRA. And. These. Are his partners Doug and Terri I'm. Gonna take this and. I've. Been drawing, drawing. It out and I'm gonna. Try. Drawing it in circles and see what happens so. That's, the goal. I mean, when I first started drawing the circles on my wall. I was. Having a I, don't, know what you call it I, had. Started a drug called maxilla, teen which, is. The. Pill form of lidocaine, to. See if they could stop. Some. Of the pain in my face. Lyrica. Another. Drug had stopped the. The. Pain response, from my neck down which. Was great, so. There we're looking for another drug for the face. And but. That one made me nuts it just, made. Me. Mentally. Unable. To, stop, thinking negatively. So. I was only on that drug for a couple of months and I went off it and took. Another couple months and I realized I needed to call the VA for help because I was. Becoming. More I. Didn't. Feel like I was suicidal but, I was more suicidal, than I thought I should be and. So. I started. Started. That process with the VA it. It brought, up a lot of stuff from Vietnam and from my childhood. That. I. Couldn't. Get away from I just, couldn't. These. Things light up so they're, back. I. Just. Started therapy. Three. Or four weeks ago. With. A trauma, therapist, and in. My first appointment he introduced me to this a box. He had a little electronic, gadget, that, you. Can turn on and it vibrates. And, you you hold to, to. Round things. That are connected to the box and they both vibrate, and. They're. They're wonderful, they keep you in the present, so, that you. Don't get lost in the stories, that you're telling.

Like. My mother told me that a story that. I had walked in on my, dad. Stomping. On her and breaking her ribs at. A certain point I was about six or seven she said, and. I. Don't. Remember seeing. That but. I know that I chewed, my fingernails, till they bled. And. I didn't know why. But. I. Also. Knew I loved my dad. She. Said I saved her life she, said my dad was trying to kill her at that point. Is. Tazza, so. Tarzan and Hercules, were some, of the father figures I went to that we're on TV at the time there's. Almost always in, in that mythology. Or genre, a there's. Often a boy or a young man that, Tarzan. Or Hercules, or you know the muscle guy has taken under his wing and he's, going out into, the world and, but. He's often. Got a somebody, he's protecting. Just. Found this in a box, the. Other day they're they're photographs, from some. Of the things from when I was modeling I. Had. A window washing business for, you know most of my life and that was modeling. Was sort of something that was fun on the side and completely different. My. Wife got me into this she. Kept telling me to I was, cuter. For her that the, guy she was seeing in the magazine so she told me to be a model and I don't know, she. Threw away all my white underwear. And socks and bought me all colored underwear and socks and and. She. Got me thinking about fashion, I was pretty boring I guess. So. I came out when I was around 30. And. I. Had. Two. Kids of, four. And. One. It. Was, a. Process. With my wife working, out. How. We would split up and. That. Was tough because we both we loved each other and it. Was a, painful experience but, our. Choice was to live together a celibate, life. And. Raised. The kids who just not think about sex and I didn't I felt, like that would be setting myself up for failure. We. Used to go down to the adult. Bookstore and, and you. Know buy whatever we, both, wanted, and. And. In, that. Area. One. Day when I was there without her I met a guy who, wanted. To have sex with me had, made that plain and I was attracted to him and I said I I would I was, interested and would. He come home and meet my wife first. Because, that's sort of the deal we had and he said yes I, drove. Him up to the house and introduced, him to my wife and tell. Her. That. You know I'd be back later and. Went. Off and. Was. Parked. In front of the guy's, house and I, said. You know what I haven't really. Done. This before I. I. Don't know if this is gonna work and. He, took. His finger and rubbed it on my lip since. Well. And, I said oh I I think this might work, it, just it was like electricity, was amazing. My, wife and I hadn't had sex for quite a while some. Years and since since Koren was born I think but. The next month we did and we. Made brie and. That. Was the last time we had sex again. You. Know Jason and I dated for. About four years.

Were. Still. Friends but not dating anymore but he still brings me food. We. Have such a great time but he's a lot younger than me he's now. He's I. Think. He's 41, and. He, and I got on really well and he could live in the dark with me here really well he was here a lot. But. I can't go out and meet his friends, I can't go you know so ultimately after a couple of years it's, hard, when. Your. Partner, can't doesn't, know any of your friends you know and your life is going on outside still, and but there's this it's, an interesting thing, I'm a sort of a stuck in time like person, in here. Never. Has a problem with fitting, on these before. Down, there I. Met. IRA, one. Day at the. Country-western. Bar which, was called, the rawhide back, then and. He. Was dressed in full leather because he was only, there for a little bit he was going to go over to a leather bar the. Eagle and. I. Saw. Him across the road and, and. Sort, of had had a response, and he looked at me and so, we ended up walking and, meeting, in the middle somewhere, after. Talking with him for a while I remember thinking, I didn't, want to just think about him. Sexually. He was interesting, and fun to talk to so we, set up a date and. Started. Seeing each other. He. Hadn't. Been tested, he didn't know if he was positive, or not but. I could tell by you, know hugging him and and just, feeling him his lymph nodes were swollen and he was probably positive and it. Took me a long time to convince him to get tested you. Have, to remember his partner, had just died of AIDS too so, he you know he it wasn't just you know he was worried about that he had been through the whole shebang. They. Had been together for 20 years he's, one of the guys in the in, the leather jacket and he's the first leather jacket, up there and then Terry is the, second and IRAs the third. The. Microscope, is totally fun for watching, things you know anywhere where dust Lance turns, into a bacteria garden oh. This. Is so easy to get lost in. I'm. A gardener, I love gardening, and I've. Not, been able to garden that much since I've been in here, this. Is a rosewood box of a friend, of mine who died quite a while ago. He. Had HIV. He's. His, name was Ken Leeds he's the one that, left me his piano. Work. Your magic. Spread. Your poison. Keep. This body alive. Work, your magic. Spread. Your poison. Keep. This body uh. Feel. Nanomask. Touch. Your. Heart. I. Don't. Think I've processed all, of, the. Some. Things that happened, in. Those that, that, decade. Sort of the 90s, I mean it started in the 80s but the mass. Die-off, was, for, me really. Happened. In the late 80s and 90s. Work. It's magic spread. It's boys keep. This body. Kids. Magic. Potion for curing, me. You're. The poison. Killing, me. Kill, me day. By day I'm. Time. And stay this way. It. Happens so. Fast and it was like, an ocean wave, that just kept rolling, and in, and in and in and so, you never really got time to recuperate. From. One. Amazing person, after another dying. Young. Was. Worse, for. Me than Vietnam a different. Kind of war, and death. But. Definitely, the same kind of feeling I remember thinking that, more. Than once. Yeah. IRA. Died in 94. And. We were together for about five years I. Was. Out, looking for morphine for, him and came. Back and. His. Mother was there had, been with him when he died and she. Looked, to, me and said, I'm. Sorry I treated him so awfully, this last week I just didn't want him. To. Feel like I approved, of his, life and. You. Know I'm sorry I hurt. You but I. I. Don't agree with your lifestyle. It's, interesting the. It's, it's. Not about one circle, it's about you, know a million messy, circles, turning into something else. I. Like. The cellular idea. The. Building up of something. There's. A feeling about that in that. I, have the idea in my head that I'm going to cover my whole ceiling and walls with, circles so, I'm going to touch every square inch of space and that it's, a nice feeling for me for some reason. When you start. Working. On pain and you're covering, the pain up, it's. You, know you're creating. Like an oyster a pearl, with.

That Little grain of sand that's irritating it and they cover it up with something, those substance, to make it. Not. Hurt. And. That's kind of what this is. Covering. Up my whole space but I, think a lot of things we do are. One. Kind of purling or another trying, to stop, pain you, know we humans, take drugs. Since. Forever and each, culture has drugs. That are they. Consider okay and, drugs that they put people in jail for. Every. Now and then I will, you know walk around a corner from this part of my room to that or walk back in from the front of the house and. Think. Oh my god my life is weird, just, totally, crazy and. Then. Other times you know I its, I've figured out ways to normalize, it and it it doesn't feel that weird. What. I live on here, I have a feeling, of hope, that. I will get out of here but. That. Feeling of hope also carries, me if I don't get out you, know I don't get out I. Lived. Enough lives and recreated. Myself, enough times I I. Think. I get amazed at, life. And the crazy things that happen to humans but. It's, if. This is you know gonna be my life I can do this. Work. Your magic. Spread. Your poison. Keep. This body a lot. Your. Magic, spread. Your poison. Keep. This body. Yeah.

2018-03-04 22:18

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