Divorce American Style...Success In Business

Divorce American Style...Success In Business

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listen to the vibes   the views and opinions of our guests may not  necessarily reflect those of the host or the vibes   broadcast network listener discretion is advised  welcome everyone to another episode of listen   to the vibes and i'm very privileged to have dr  elizabeth dubois here with me she is an executive   coach and a divorce coach and we're gonna  get to know her and have a great conversation   and so let's kick this off tell us a little bit  about yourself yeah first off thanks for having   me i'm really excited to be here um so i am like  you said an executive coach and a divorce coach   which maybe sounds a little bit kind of like a  two diverse practice areas but i find that there   tends to be a lot of overlap because whether it's  leadership or creating a new life the thing that   they have in common is really about getting in  touch with who you are your core grounding into   that clearing away the [ __ ] artifice of this is  the way things have to be this is the way things   are done uh and moving into a place of what do i  feel like in my gut is the right answer in this   moment and how do i sound so hokey but like how  do i stand in that truth uh and live from that   place um i find a lot of times when people are  in um leadership whether that's um within the   nonprofit sector the private sector in elected  leadership there's so many ways that things are   done right well this is this is just the way it's  done this is how things work and when we have   um you know a unique period in history like the  one we're living through right we have a lot of   um dismantling of power structures happening right  now we have black lives matter really um you know   pushing us to consider where we are as a society  and what we need to do in order to actually   make good on the claims that are in our  constitution that are in our declaration   of independence we have a lot of different um  topsy-turvy things happening with the way that   we think about gender and gender disparities we  have so many uh moments of change happening and so   when we look at how do we move into a society that  looks a lot like the one we'd like to have the one   that we say we have um becoming comfortable with  leadership looking different than it differently   than it has up to this point i think is really key  to that and so with executive coaching what i do   is help people really ground into what are the  things that they feel are true in terms of their   understanding of how things should work how their  companies can grow how their nonprofits can grow   the things that they offer their constituents  and moving that vision forward with confidence   and clarity and then on the divorce coaching  side it's the same right a little less attuned   to societal change or business development i'm  much more attuned to okay i've been in a situation   where i thought my life would look one way  and it's turned out to look quite different   given that that's the case how do i allow myself  to move forward in a way that is authentic um and   no the way that i got into this was in large part  because i went and got a phd in conflict analysis   and resolution with a focus on marital conflict  i've done work and research on domestic violence   and marital conflict in four countries over the  course of a decade and from that work really got   juiced about the idea that there were a lot  of potential for societal transformation if   we look at marriage and leadership as points  of potential transformation for the way that   things could get better and get different  well i know when i was married the first time   and um i was in that marriage for about  20 years my life never moved forward   um i was literally married to a narcissist who  um couldn't tell the truth to save her life   always excuses when we didn't have money to pay  bills and that but yet she was walking around   new shoes and got a new purse and all kinds of  other stuff never seemed to back me in my dreams   and the things i wanted to do and yet i made sure  that i did everything to help her to pursue her   dreams constantly lied to my children so  they thought that i was this evil person and then when she finally she left me for  another guy a much younger guy by the way   um instead of being upset it seemed like  a relief yeah and it took me 10 years   to find a relationship that i felt  comfortable enough to get married again   and now i'm actually pursuing my dreams i  have someone that's in my corner someone that   you know she does everything she can to encourage  me and i'm and of course i do everything i can   to encourage her we we are definitely in a  partnership because we share everything as   you know the chores the cooking the cleaning  all that and um now i'm just like i'm relaxed   yeah quickly to that's so hardcore but there are   many folks out there that they're in a  relationship like that and they don't want to it's   like they don't want to get out of it or they do  they don't know how so what would be your advice   to to help someone who's in a narcissist type  relationship yeah wow um you know it's interesting   i said i relate so hard to that i relate less to  the narcissist my ex-husband is a really good guy   um and more to the just like feeling relaxed i'm  in a in a relationship now where i just i know   where i stand at all times there's never a moment  where i'm like feeling controlled or that i'm not   quite sure which way is up um and and it is you  know it's a relief it's a relaxation um okay so   how to leave a narcissist one-on-one um first  off i think that there's a bit we're like living   through a cultural moment where like narcissist  is kind of a buzzword right if someone's an [ __ ] and they must be a narcissist um in in my book  narcissism is well it's a personality disorder   right on like a mental illness right like um  schizophrenia bipolar depression narcissism is an   underlying personality disorder and it's kind of  built into the hardware of how someone functions   um versus a program that's running on the hardware  which would be kind of more than a way to think of   mental illness so with narcissism i think of the  defining characteristics um that that underlies it   is it's a fixation on having one's needs met right  and as humans like our biological drive is to have   our needs met right from the second we pop out of  our mom like we need to have our needs met we need   to eat we need to sleep we need to hopefully not  die of diaper rash we need our needs met right but   when when someone has narcissism this underlying  personality disorder this is a hyper fixation   it's having my needs met at the expense of  others and that's not necessarily a like you know   they're not walking around the world being  like how do i [ __ ] over other people   in the service of having my needs met but often  times that happens right where such a myopic   focus on what i need what i want how do i get  it um and again none of this is kind of like   frontal lobe intentional thinking where they're  like ha ha today i will [ __ ] people over   uh you know it's just an inability to really  empathize with where the other party might be um   and and a lack of willingness to try right  so we've got someone walking around in the   world and they have a hyper fixation on having  their needs met the next element of narcissism   is are they controlling people are they seeking to  control in an effort to have those needs met right   because someone could walk around the world and  be like i need my needs met i need my needs met   and their methodology is um you know make a  good billion dollars every year so that they   can have all of the resources that they need to  you know have a housekeeper and a chauffeur and   a private chef and a masseuse and you know what a  sugar baby you know all the things that you could   possibly want in order to have your needs met  or you can get into a relationship with someone   and walk around the world viewing them as the the  sight of the reason that your needs are not being   met and therefore you will control that person  through overt and um you know kind of less overt   and subtle ways in order to get what you want and  then the third element is this hyper fixation on   how you're being perceived so a narcissist  wants to be the good guy or the good girl   in all contexts and they will warp reality through  their words both towards the person that they're   in a relationship with as well as to the outside  world in order to make that reality reflect   them as the hero so there's always going to be  some element of gaslighting of twisting the truth   in order for them to be seen as kind of the person  who is either being wronged or the person who is   kind of sticking the landing on how life should be  so we've got a hyper fixation on how our needs are   met we've got a desire to control others in order  to have our needs met and then we want to be seen   as kind of the the person that's getting it right  and when all three of those elements are present   and you are the spouse or you are the significant  other you are the person kind of in in the midst   of the storm who is the most likely um target you  know you're you're not causing the hurricane but   you're standing in the storm and narcissists  don't change they're not going to become   someone different and what i see often is people  especially women this plays out a lot with women   um people are socialized to believe that love can  change someone right just love this person enough   right things will different things will get better  and then you have the narcissist reinforcing that   belief by saying if you just do this better  i'll be able to you know stop doing this right   so what if this is landing for you well i'll  i will say you just described the relationship   that my daughter just got out of because that  that was her thing she had been with this guy and   then broke up with him get back with him broke up  with him and then she would say well if you know   he oh he's on his medication if i just do all this  better and i i love him enough he'll be okay he'll   change and yeah i told my wife when she moved back  in with him i said if you watch two weeks from now   it'll be back to the same old same old because  he's going to act okay in the beginning but you   go back to being the same old jerk in two weeks  what and sure enough two weeks later he was back   the same old same old and i noticed that we  we both have this problem with our own uh   we don't have confidence in ourselves in a way we  think well we can't do any better and we're lucky   to have this person and we're willing to accept  the abuse and whether it wasn't so much physical   it was emotional and mental abuse and so we  share that a lot in common even though we're not   we're not blood related we're it's like  we have uh a spiritual connection i guess   i don't care if she came from another man that's  still my daughter you know yeah of course i mean   families are made in all kinds of ways um  so there's a couple of things going on right   so researchers call that dynamic right where they  break up get together break up get together it's   called cycling and the reason that it happens  is that there's kind of a um you know a bond   that happens between the two people sometimes it's  called toxic sorry trauma bonding where one person   feels like they can complete the other so um you  know if you can think of this i'm i know this is   an audio file so i'm going to try to illustrate  what i'm doing here it's video too so okay perfect   great so we pop out of our mom and we are for the  most part right unless you you know are coming   from a context in which you're you're popping out  addicted to some sort of substance which certainly   happens but let's for the sake of argument let's  just talk about in theory um you pop out of your   mom you're like this right you're walking around  the world and you're believing to people this is   interdependence you get into relationships  with people and you're interdependent right   i am helping you mow the lawn and we are cooking  dinner together and we are having healthy fun sex   and everyone is having a good time and for the  most part life is good even though taxes suck and   the dog needs this is interdependence what happens  often is as children we learn that in order to   have our needs met mom mom behaves like this right  mom is not like this mom behaves like this and dad   behaves like this right and we've got different  kind of variations in personality traits and in   the ways that we have adapted our behavioral  patterns in order to get our needs met and so   as little children what we do in order to get our  needs met is we are going to match that pattern   so we go from being a blank canvas to matching the  pattern of relation that our parents have in order   to have our needs met right in order for me to uh  get the love and affirmation i want right dad's   going to come to the recital and clap for me i  know that i need to be a perfect good girl and   not talk about the fact that i you know whatever  whatever the thing is right i'm not allowed to   not allowed to get up in the middle of the  night because i'm scared i have to lie in my   bed quietly because that's what's going to get me  the you're a good girl right and so i'm going to   just learn that it's more important to be scared  than it is to speak up when i'm afraid i'm pulling   this example from a client that i have so we walk  around the world and we learn that in order to get   love in order to get our needs met we're going to  bend in this way so we go into adulthood teenage   years right we're like oh i can't wait to get a  boyfriend it's going to be amazing i'm going to be   loved right and we look for someone that has the  same bent this is called trauma bonding we're   going to find someone that has the same particular  patterns of relating to other people so that we   can get into a cycle where we feel connected right  the problem with this is when you go to separate   you can't and so we see cycling happen in  relationships because the couple has come to   believe that this is the person that is going to  really understand them the best and i should say   you know i'm i'm speaking here not just from  my experience as a researcher but i've lived   out some of these patterns especially in earlier  relationships um so with this kind of concept of   i'm gonna be on good behavior and then i'm gonna  kind of escalate and then i'm going to explode so   very well documented cycle domestic violence cycle  whether or not there's actual you know physical   violence in place we know that people change a lot  you know it's traumatizing to be in a relationship   where someone you know you're walking on eggshells  and then you have this you know you have this   tensing period and then there's a blow up and then  you guys reconnect there's the honeymoon phase   then you go back into tensing and then you go into  a blow up and every time you go around this kind   of hamster wheel of doom you're getting a dopamine  hit from the reconnection saying oh my gosh i feel   you know we're meant for each other and i'm sorry  i will never do that again i just i just really   just lost my temper because it's been so hard  and we're gonna just i need your love because   i know that you're the one for me right and we go  around and around and around and around and around   because we get hooked on this dopamine hit that  we get when we reconnect with that person it   feels so good to be recommitted to the person  that we're bent like and so we stay in this   pattern for a very long time it was always my  belief that there's a reason why they're your ex   first place oh it's so funny i woke up to a text  message from someone that i'd gone on a couple of   dates with and i had cut off you know the budding  relationship after after two dates i think we   talked on the phone for about a week and then we'd  gone on two different dates and there's just like   way too you know it was like the red flag you know  waving brigade and um and so i cut it off and he   he reached out this morning and said something and  then was like even though you [ __ ] me over uh in   a really shitty way and i was like because i told  you i didn't want to have a relationship with you   my bad you know and i was just like i can  uh good on your ex-wife for leaving man   yeah no kidding well uh i'd say i it took me  10 years to find the woman that i'm with now   and mind you i was in and out of  some really bad relationships and   i i found myself like overdoing it like i would  do all the cooking all the cleaning everything   thinking this was going to make them want to  stay and not not realizing that i wasn't really   standing up and being the man i was that i was  supposed to be instead i was just a pushover and   when when i met michelle my wife now   we uh we talked for a long time before we went  out on the first date and we really got to know   each other and then i found that she was in a  strange way allowing me to be who i really am   which helped build up confidence and i  still i have a hard time taking praise and i   i still don't think i'm good enough but uh i'm  yet i'm i'm stepping up to the back i should say   and it's also given me the courage to uh start  the podcast and make a business out of it she actually has every reason in  the world to leave if she wanted to   because after we got together i developed  a disease in my spine where my my bones   are deteriorating and and so um i can't get  around like i used to i had to retire early but   she's been in my corner the whole time so  i don't care i just want to be with you   and even if you're not able to walk again you know  i still want to be here and i'm making this happen do you find that getting away from those  relationships like adds that courage or that uh   i don't know the uh the  confidence to do this it can so   i i think that there's a couple of ways it can  go one is someone can get out which is which is   difficult right for all the reasons we just talked  about right the the bonding the the kind of uh   toxic hamster wheel of domestic violence cycle  there's so many so many different reasons why   it's hard to bounce um and when you do a couple  of different things can happen one you can go   replicate the same pattern with another person  right the initial uh new relationship energy as   dan savage calls it the nre of being with someone  and kind of the high flying feelings that come   with initial attraction things like that it can  be really easy to overlook red flags and it can   be really tempting to overlook red flags right and  so because you've kind of curved in a particular   way you can fall into the same cycle immediately  with someone else the other thing that can happen   is you get a boost of self-confidence right you  do the inner work to get to a place where you're   like [ __ ] it i'm out i deserve better than  this i'm not gonna deal with this anymore or   um you know your kids are suffering consequences  right emotional and otherwise um and and that   gives you enough of to get out of it um  but then you kind of like stay in a place   of you know i did it and now i'm gonna kind of  tread water and i'm gonna be really stuck on   how i failed my marriage how i didn't make it work  i can never make a relationship work i can't you   know like where did i go wrong right and kind of  take the ownership um the other thing that i see   in that kind of vein like if we can hybrid those  two different patterns of i'm gonna fall right   back into the same thing and i'm gonna take a  lot of like over responsibility for the situation   um i see a lot of women pass around this like  empowerment self-help therapy nonsense where they   talk about my picker is broken let's say well my  picker is broken i just keep picking the wrong guy   over and over again and this kind of i see this  often in 12-step rooms too where they're like well   it's all my fault because every single choice that  i made um that led to these consequences was my   choice and it's like well okay biology is playing  a role here you know socialization is playing a   role here there's so many different contributing  factors that go into being in an abusive situation   um developing addictive tendencies there's  so many different things that contribute to   us getting into situations where we're [ __ ]  ourselves over and i think it can be very um   tempting and and i think be tempting to over  i don't like like take more responsibility   than is really ours to take and say well well  i caused this this was on me my picker's broken   and i made terrible choices you know  i'm i'm an addict and i [ __ ] it up   versus there's biological and socialized  reasons that i ended up in this situation   and how do i support myself and my growth and  personal development so that i can address   and heal those things so that this doesn't  happen again and i think that we live in um a society america is really big on  bootstraps right we're like you know   pull yourself together and you know make it  happen and get up at four in the morning and   work out for 47 years and then publish a book and  then you know take a [ __ ] and you know create a   new recipe for a power bar all before 8 am because  you can do it right and we've got this kind of   high performance culture mixed with neoliberalism  that says it's all on you to make it work um and   and that can really become very unhelpful when it  comes to how do i stop engaging in a pattern of   relationship like this because what we need to say  is hmm not my picker is broken but what what are   the instigating factors that are leading me to end  up in relationships like this not i [ __ ] it up   and i'm broken and i'm screwed up and therefore my  picker is broken therefore i keep ending up with   the wrong guy but what are the kind of childhood  patterns that are playing out here today that were   present you know again as a child that need to be  healed in order for me to make different choices   not better choices but different choices how do i  support myself how do i love myself how do i grow   when you ask those questions you move past this  initial burst of self-confidence that then kind   of like peters out into you know while i'm out of  the relationship but it's my fault and i caused   it and blah blah and i just should have seen the  warning signs and the red flags and i [ __ ] it up   if you can work on healing yourself working with  a good therapist working with a good coach and   again i want to delineate that  those are two very different   types of people i work with coach and a therapist  at all times um you know getting support getting   help helping yourself see those different  underlying patterns and heal them and address them   then you have a shot at lasting self-confidence  that can really bloom into something quite   different which is what it sounds like you've done  a lot of folks out there they uh they don't seek   the help that they really need because a lot of  this you can't do on your own and sometimes you   need someone to remind you that you do have the  answers you just you're not not grasping them you   mentioned about the the things that happened as  a child i mean my first wife and i were both were   let's say broken uh i was molested as a child and  she was molested by her stepfather and had it had   a child by him and so um i i i think he was kind  of the blind leading the blind and then once you   know i guess she got comfortable with me and then  i think that's when the narcissism kicked in yeah and then i was still that broken person who  had no confidence and you know i mean how do   you how do you deal with something that happens  to you like that and then even though i i went   into therapy later in life it got a lot  of help it still wasn't resonating with me   but for some reason when i got with michelle i was  starting to like get over that you know i will say   though i've had a lot of people that have come on  my show that have dealt with people that have gone   through that and they've given me great advice i  just i get stronger every time i talk to someone   like you i get stronger and stronger and stronger  but i do have the affirmation from my wife um   yeah i i think it's also important that  people know you you need to validate yourself   you don't need others to validate you but it  does help when you have somebody in your corner yeah well first off i'm really sorry you  went through that god which is the words   are insufficient um i think it can be really  powerful to kind of build off what you said about   the validation has to come from within as  well um there's kind of two maybe three things   three things that i want to suggest to folks if  you're in a position where you are really needing   to do some significant personal growth in order  to i want to say get over but but move to a place   where those experiences are less active in your  day-to-day remembrances right we all kind of like   things pop up and our memory is our move through  the day right but i don't in general think about   what i had for lunch at kindergarten on a regular  basis but i really sit down with it i remember   that a teacher told me you can't eat pineapple  and drink milk at the same time and that advice   has served me well you know but it's not a it's  not a memory that's active in my day-to-day kind   of mental rolodex um at all times and so when we  kind of think about like uh extreme trauma right   in the genre that you experience that your ex-wife  experienced what we want to think about is less   you know how do i get over it and more how do i  how do i gently surround this experience with love   and with caring and with kind of a neutral  approach as opposed to i can't believe this   [ __ ] happened here or of course this happened  and i deserve it and i'm bad how do we approach   it with some neutrality and say this is a thing  that happened and it really affected who i am   um and i'm choosing that that just for today  this is going to be something that i gently set   on the shelf and let it be a thing that doesn't  define who i am right right yeah right exactly   right now you know and not putting pressure on  yourself to say uh forever and ever and ever i   have to get over this because we we know um  you know from from good brain researchers we   know that trauma is not a trauma recovery  is not linear ptsd recovery is not linear   we have flashbacks we have flare-ups when  we get triggered by particular incidences   um i think we're living through an interesting  moment in history where we have this kind of   language about like snowflakes you know and like  trigger warnings like oh trigger warnings or   you know i taught i taught at um american  university and gw for a while and   there's this kind of like very uh nuanced debate  among like liberals versus you know like i would   say far left far far right conservatives about  like trigger warnings and um you know i'm pretty   like squarely like moderate conservative  but i'm always just like why is this a thing   like if i was if i was gonna be teaching  about sexual violence i would say to people   like hey next week we're going to be talking about  rape and we're going to be talking about you know   these other things and so if you need to have  a stomach ache next week and not come to class   that is just fine you know and like like that was  not me being like alert it was just like hey you   know if you would prefer not to you know have have  experience of childhood sexual assault uh come to   the forefront of your mind for the next three  months skip class next week thanks you know and   and not all this kind of language that makes it  very difficult for us to have actual conversations   about how to help people move through trauma right  not necessarily move past it but move through it   um so so the three things that i want to suggest  to people um one get a whiteboard or chalkboard   right on that chalkboard people that will  unconditionally affirm the [ __ ] out of me   and then write down every single person in your  life and maybe it's two people and maybe it's   22 people every single person that no matter what  if you pick up the phone they're gonna be like oh   my god you're the [ __ ] and i think you're the  best and i can't belie oh my god you got fired   well you know they're [ __ ] lost [ __ ] them  you know like that person those people right   that board and if you are in a place where where  your trauma memories are really really active that   you're going through an active uh reliving those  are the people to talk to anyone else that you   have to talk to whether it's your boss or your  mama you know keep the communication limited and   really just surround yourself with people that are  going to not just bolster you but like foie gras   force feed love down your gullet because you  need um so that's the first thing the second   thing is being very attuned to what are the  things that are going to trip wire me right   so if i know that going into a movie theater like  for some reason going into a movie theater for me   uh really activates some of the feelings of dread  and anticipation that i had um in the immediate   aftermath of my sexual assault it just it's very  difficult for me uh even though i wasn't insulted   in a movie theater i think that the dark and the  enclosedness and the kind of like loud noises and   all of it feels very out of my control so i don't  go to movie theaters if i'm feeling very sensitive   you know and instead of being like oh man i can't  you what the [ __ ] you know this happened so many   years ago it's a [ __ ] movie theater and you  just want to go see the minions with your kid   you know i'm just like okie dokie today is not  the day um so really having that kind of neutral   energy instead of the like get over it  dumbass pushing um and then the third thing i   call this mirror work and i guess we'll talk  about inner childs too um so i want you to do two   things um beyond your whiteboard and your being  attuned to triggers i want you to every night   start to sit in front of the mirror if you've got  a full-length mirror this is really easy just get   cozy in front of it if you've got a sit on your  bathroom vanity go for it uh get comfortable   sitting in front of a mirror and just start  talking nicely to yourself um bonus points if you   place your hand on your heart kind of skin to skin  so you've got that contact and can kind of invite   your parasympathetic nervous system which is the  breaks to your fight flight or freeze responses   just inviting that parasympathetic nervous system  to kind of kick in and say okay you know it's okay   i am here everything that i need in this moment  is available to me and just really talking nicely   to yourself um you know if you had a hard day at  work just being like you did your best man i'm so   proud of you that you know tps report was great  and you know whatever whatever it is um and then   the final thing i'll say i said three things i'm  gonna say four um i want you to just grab a piece   of cardboard like construction paper what is it  called poster board go to cvs poster board um   and find pictures of yourself growing up and and  just younger versions of yourself so i have on my   i call it an inner child board um kind of like a  vision board my inner child board i have pictures   of me from birth all the way up to kind of where  i'm at today earlier versions of myself and it's   hanging right next to my full-length mirror and  i just you know chat with them and i'm like you   did such a great job thanks for getting me to  where i am today thanks for taking care of me in   that hard moment you know they've got a picture  of me in high school high school sucked for me   you know and i talked to her a lot and i'm like  you were so strong you were so brave you got me   through so much [ __ ] and i'm so grateful right  because often times when we have experienced   trauma when we look back on those experiences  we go into a place of a lot of self-blame   and a lot of self-doubt you know i can't  believe i put myself in this situation   you know i [ __ ] it up of course this happened  to me because i was doing x and when we when   we have an inner child board and we can have an  actual conversation eye to eye with the version   of ourselves that went through that we develop a  tremendous amount of gratitude and compassion and   that can be a really powerful springboard  for feeling better about who we are today   i've always find it hard to not put myself down  even when i'm joking i'm constantly doing that   and instead of building myself up now someone  brought up to me about being molested as a child   that not to necessarily forget that it happened  but to change the story absolutely as you tell   it and like how you were able to overcome it and  so once you've kind of rewritten and you think   of it a different way you can handle it a lot  better yeah amen amen one of the most powerful   experiences of my life uh happened on my living  room sofa um i i went into a deep meditation   and i walked into the room where i was sexually  assaulted um i'm so sorry thank you you know it i   have yet to meet anyone that hasn't had some sort  of experience where they had a part of them ripped   out you know whether it was through something  um fairly banal or something really extreme like   what you experienced um what i what i did in this  meditation was i i walked into that room you know   bed i can see the bed frame i can see the yellow  sheets i can see all the snoopy underwear i could   see it all um and i i picked that 15 year old up  off the bed and i carried her out of there and um   something about that that meditation was probably  12 years ago at this point you know it really was   a pivot point for me being able to say that that  that's over now that's that's done it happened and   i'm not over it but but it's done it's finished  it's not happening again it's not active right   we can kind of think like i'm going to botch  this in a million ways right like basic quantum   physics right we know all things are happening  in all times right i like to think that that that   incident that was continuing to happen over and  over again all things happening at all times right   if that was still a thing that was happening uh  i that that's done now it's no longer happening   um i closed the door i tied it up you know  tidied it up it's not happening anymore um and i   feel the truth of that even though  i don't understand the science   what do you think about  hypnotherapy i love hypnotherapy   um i do eft with all of my clients which stands  for emotional freedom technique which is the most   you know generic term ever for those of you that  don't know what emotional freedom technique is   it's just tapping um it's it's acupressure  plus cognitive behavioral therapy uh cbt   so yeah i was like thinking for a second the the  what is the the cannabis thing it's different than   oh it's not cbd yes no it's not cbd it's  cognitive behavioral therapy so um emotional   freedom technique is hitting on acupressure  points um borrowed from the chinese meridian   uh system the concept of that your body has  energy meridians running through it so you're   hitting on particular pressure points while also  stating aloud like your friend said the story   of what happened and then reprogramming  that story so you're hitting these energetic   meridians um and again you know buy into the  science don't buy into the science but what i   have seen consistently with my clients  over two years is that is a drastic   drastic and immediate shift that we then over the  course of three to six months uh reinforced yeah i   i can't stress enough if anyone out there has  experienced that get some get someone you can talk   to someone you can trust um find a therapist don't  let that destroy you because it will destroy you   if you allow it don't put yourself down you've  already been assaulted by someone else don't   assault yourself that's i went through that  for so many years just destroying everything   that was a part of me everything i i i thought  everything i liked everything i did was stupid   yeah nobody liked the same stuff that  i did and you don't do that to yourself   you waste so much of your life doing that  it's not your fault somebody else was an   idiot somebody else did something stupid to you  they're the one that should be punished not you   amen and um i don't know how you feel about it  but i did a past life regression mm-hmm yeah i'm   a big fan oh my gosh that made such a difference  that like kicked everything off from me it was an   aha moment for me yeah to inside your head to to  change everything how the events happen everything   and to to rewrite it to where you're the hero  of the story yeah oh my gosh that makes such a   difference yeah huge difference now if we could  switch from that to the the business part of it   sure let's go um i i've found that my  myself included a lot of people are afraid   of being successful yeah and a few things are  interrelated um oh man why what a big question   such a small word what a big question right you  know i think that there's a lot of different   reasons um one i think society is really good  at holding up success stories and really bad at   holding up failure on the way to success stories  um you know thomas edison and invented again   botching numbers you know come for me people  but here's the general concept um thomas edison   invented hundreds of light bulbs that didn't  work before there was one right we've got   all sorts of different instances of things that  didn't make it to market before the thing that did   make it to market right but we as you know we're  storytelling species it's how we make meaning   we're not big fans of telling the like soggy  lunch bag when we got pushed in the mud by   the school bully we really like to just hear  how he like went to prom with the prom queen   you know we're not we're not big fans  of the failure on the path to success   story and i think if we were to normalize failure  in our culture in a way that is not at this moment   we would have very different outcomes in  terms of innovation and success i think we   tend to um you know as much like i should say i'm  a deep patriot i i love this country so deeply um   you know and we don't do a great job of  celebrating failure as a necessary stepping   stone to innovation and i think that it holds us  back when we talk about why we're lagging in math   and science um and we'll talk science specifically  when we're lagging in science i think this has a   lot to do with it right we live in a culture  of success and now that we have social media   that's kind of been amplified of and we only  show the parts that are really working well what a beautiful couple and three  weeks later they're divorced right we don't show the sausage being made  um so i think one of the reasons that   we're afraid of succeeding is we are  afraid of failing on the way and you are   there's only so successful you can be if you  don't really bite the big one pretty often   in the pursuit of something great and so we see  people go into stupid [ __ ] horrible you know   cubicle in the office jobs right where they're  propping up mediocre companies that are doing   generally you know i don't want to say generally  oftentimes there's you know big corporations   aren't like necessarily acting in the best  interest of their employees or the best interest   of the country or the best interest in the  environment right and they're pumping out products   that are like mediocre and crappy and when you've  got people that get really innovative and scrappy   i think what you see um consistently is that  they have a certain level of confidence around   [ __ ] up you know pretty big and um for  for all of my um executive coaching clients   i make them watch we watch a clip together of  elon musk uh throwing a like metal ball during the   public um you know like unveiling of one of his  trucks and they had like played this up as like   the windows are shatterproof which i don't  understand i'm not a car guy like i don't get it   but this was like this was like a thing that these  like windows didn't shatter like fine whatever   um and elon musk comes out in the middle of you  know millions and millions of people watching and   he has this like demo friend like pull out this  metal ball and they're like the windows want to   shatter here's the demonstration and he throws  it and the window shatters oh no elon musk like   kind of nonchalantly he's like try the other one  right okay and then he tries the other one and   the other one shatters right and what i have  my clients do is really pay attention to elon   musk's body language in this moment his shoulders  don't go up he doesn't get into apology mode like   he literally had he been holding a beer he would  have been like quietly sipping it you know like he   there were no feathers that were ruffled and  and maybe under the surface there were right   i don't know i'm not in his brain um but  when when you have someone who has a deep   sense of i'm okay i'm good enough my products  are innovative i'm changing the world   even if one flops when one does even in  a very very very public way there's not   this kind of existential crisis of i'm not  good enough because my product didn't work   and i think oftentimes especially when we talk  about entrepreneurship whether it's you know   physical products or services um we have people  get wrapped around this axle of i am my product   and if my if someone doesn't like my product  therefore i am not worthy i am not good enough yeah i know exactly what you mean yeah okay  have you heard the story of formula 409   you know why it's called formula 409 no because  the first 408 times it didn't work right yeah   there you go so people should think you  know we that's a good cleaning product   took them that many times to get the the formula  down right so yeah and epic fuck-ups are often   wild successes you know 3m did not mean to invent  velcro it was supposed to be something else   post-it notes were supposed to be some sort of um   i'm pulling out my origin stories incorrectly  here they were supposed to be like a bookmark they   were supposed to be something else chocolate chip  cookies were not chocolate chip cookies they were   like mushed up chocolate in the service of trying  to get them to be like chocolate cookies potato   chips where a chef like trying to say [ __ ] you  to someone because some guy kept like sending back   his french fries being like they're too thick  they're too thick and the chef was finally like   [ __ ] you try this [ __ ] like now we have  potato chips right and so when we think about   um you know like bob ross there's no  mistakes only happy accidents right you're you're not failing you're learning  um you know and unless you're driving drunk   or raping someone like you know don't then  you're failing and you're a horrible person   you know but in in general if you're you know  the question is why are people afraid to why are   people afraid of success i think people are afraid  of failing publicly right on the road to success   is public failure um two i think oftentimes when  we grow up in systems right home systems where   on happiness and conflict was the normal we will  go try to replicate that um because we are humans   and we seek what feels comfortable not what feels  good um we seek safety we seek that which our   nervous system recognizes as home base um so when  you've got that in the work world let's say you go   you know you leave a crappy home growing up not  that there's crappy homes but you leave crappy   conflict dynamics right and you go replicate that  in in your adult relationship and now you want to   go like succeed on a higher level like it's not  going to play out well um and then i i think   related to that i call it the who do you think  you are um conundrum right you grew up or   you are currently in a social system  in which success was not celebrated   and it was pointed at as an evidence  of like being too big for your britches   then then why would you why would you succeed  we will prioritize getting love over anything   else yeah and if being successful in exceptional  ways right publicly being celebrated we're talking   specifically in the context of business right just  being exceptional and succeeding in business um   means that you're too big for your britches  and the people that you grew up with are gonna   think that you're trying to one-up everybody and  that means you know on a deep psychological level   whether or not it's um conscious you're afraid  that you're gonna be abandoned you're not gonna   do it yeah true yeah that that that seems to have  been uh one reason why i would never try anything   yeah now it's like throw caution to the  wind i'll give it a shot it's either going   to work or it's not yeah i love to bake and  i can't tell you how many recipes that i've   i've tried to kind of make my own and it screwed  up but then i'll try something different the   next time and all of a sudden everybody  loves the cookies or pastries whatever   just give it a shot yeah but something else  that i wanted to to make a point of i see   other youtubers out there that they talk  about oh i don't take a day off i do   this recording every day and i do this blah blah  blah and i spend all these time all this time   on it but even though that's good that you're  spending time on perfecting what you're doing   i don't think they emphasize enough the  balance of home and to me spirituality   on top of business um what's your advice on that  i think this comes down to kind of hustle culture   right like the way to get ahead is to hustle hard  um and we have lots of evidence that that's true   and we have limited evidence that it's not  but that evidence exists so in the same way   that i want you to put together a board of  people that will unconditionally support me   want people to kind of hit silence on anyone  that is working in this crazy breakneck   way that that doesn't feel authentic right  and and find people to expand your belief   in the possibility of being wildly successful  while also taking very good care of yourself   um and so i think a couple of my kind of  key expanders here um my coach emma burgess   who's uh based in new zealand you can find  her just at emma in flow uh so e m m a i   n and then flow.com um she has already what are  we were july right now she's already made you know   million cash in house right now i i don't know  what her sales are at this point i think one point   no it's got to be more than that um you know her  first year where she decided i'm really going   to prioritize self-care overall other um she she  made 1.2 million dollars um this year she's cash   in house at one and you know that was before the  end of q2 um so this was yeah before the end of   last month um and and she she's not working more  than six hours a day um we have other examples   that i really like to look at um for laci phillips  her website's just 2b just2bemagnetic.com t-o-b-e   magnetic.com uh she's a really great example of  holding that up um there absolutely are people   that you can look to and say here's someone really  prioritizing their spiritual well-being and still   making millions of dollars and still making  a great impact in the world and then there   are people that you know i want to tim ferriss  hold up tim ferriss four hour work week right   hustle culture does not have to be the only  path forward i remember listening to tim ferriss right as i was finishing up my dissertation and  him talking about he doesn't get up before 10 am   as a general rule and i was like that i want  that because i i wrote my dissertation when my   son was an infant and i was running  a non-profit of 5 000 people and i   was just like as you know that scarlett  o'hara moment before the end of the   before admission intermission where  she's like as god is my witness   i will never go hungry again i was like if god  is my witness i will never wake up at 5 a.m  

and then i went again i went to a business  conference in uh november 2019 and all these   different entrepreneurs you know from quest  nutrition i mean like ed milette big you know big   entrepreneurs that i uh admire they all got up and  they're like the common element is that we get up   at 5am and um for a long time i felt really guilty  i don't get up before eight and as a general i'll   sleep later than that given given the opportunity  um and i felt really guilty about that and this is   where hustle culture right comes in i'm sorry i'm  gonna [ __ ] talk somebody um you know one of the   people that was really the leader of the bandwagon  as i was getting into into my business full-time   uh one of the people that i really look to as as  a kind of like prototype of where i wanted to go   was a woman named rachel hollis and uh for  those of you that are listening and know   you know who she is um you're probably cringing  but but she was really someone that i um i don't   wanna say idolized but she was someone i looked  to and was like i i can make a living doing this   so she's a um white kind of self-help guru coach  um entrepreneur uh coach that she turned herself   into a business coach um which i have so many  thoughts about that too um but she was this   person that i really looked to and i was like you  know i can make a career for myself serving people   in the professional development space who want  to really accelerate who they are and do it in   a way that serves the world deeply and the more  that i watched her personal life unravel and her   like double down on this like drink half your body  weight in water and exercise every morning and if   i get up you know if my if i wake up before you  know 4am i go back to bed but if i wake up after   i get up and the alarm goes off at every day you  know at five a.m and my husband and i always have   these reconnecting rituals and bull you know just  like every time you know she was selling a um what was it called a journal at target that it  called the start today journal that was like all   these different kind of like you wake up at five  and then you meditate and then you journal and   then you go for a run and then you you know  run your business and you do all this stuff   um she just like had a public meltdown she got  on to she was using social media um as as most   business owners are at this point um and she got  on and she compared herself to harriet tubman and   yeah exactly after doing a rant where she um spoke  about her her cleaning company as a sweet lady   that comes and scrubs her toilets and um you know  the the i want to say more attuned to privilege uh   contingent of the world was like um maybe  don't describe your housekeeper that way   like that's kind of you know like like really  boiling it down to its most uh you know like i   i have a housekeeper once a month she keep like  my house would go up in flames you know like i'm   so grateful for her support and love and you  know organizational skills and i can't imagine   boiling it down to that um but then in her  means of doubling down um she went and like   compared herself to harriet tubman and and so  when you think about kind of hustle culture   high performance culture how do people get ahead  how do people make it work and where does that   coincide or not with prioritizing spiritual  and mental well-being i think when you don't   prioritize those things there is only so far you  can go before you kind of icarus crash your ass   back to the sea because if you are not  taking time to reconnect with your own   kind of highest self inner wisdom and you are not  making time to really listen to your feedback loop   you know i i have a number of people i call them  my board of directors i have a number of people in   my life that are there to call me on my [ __ ]  and i listen to them you know i'm in recovery   i have a sponsor um i have a therapist i have a  coach of people in my mastermind group that i run   things by i have a couple of dear friends one  of whom's been in my life for 31 years um and   if i'm gonna make a big move or something feels  a little niggly in my gut i run things by them   because i'm not super interested in losing what  i've built because i get over tired and overworked   and therefore i'm just shooting from the hip  without you know anything in the gas tank yeah   well to me my philosophy is if you don't take  care of your home first you can't take care of   anything outside of it so and that starts with the  self you have to be take care of yourself mentally   physically you know i have diabetes  and all these other problems   if i don't control all that then i'm not going  to be there for my wife when she needs me   and i got to make sure my house is in order  that you know the there is a flow between me   and my wife and everything is going like it's  supposed to and our relationship is strong   our relationship with my kids and my grandkids  and and then my business is going to come next   yeah i know a lot of people don't feel that way  they think their business has to come first but   it's not going to work for me if everything  else isn't going there has to be a balance   yeah there has to be and i think it's like  more than a balance i think it's a foundation   and and here's what i mean by  that you cannot have a skyscraper   if you do not have a strong foundation right  exactly you know it's going to fall over and so   the way to build a really strong business and  you i mean multi-million dollar business i   have a dear client that's been with me um you  know for the better part of 18 months and and he's   built incredible things he's leading a 500 million  dollar sales team now right this is not a like   sit in a corner and sing kumbaya  to yourself and listen to like   i don't know tony robbins tapes until you puke  right that's not what this is about strengthening   the core of who you are developing a foundation  of unshakable trust in your own abilities   and from that foundation understanding  that you can build as high as you want   yeah i i love the fact that you meditate because  i i do myself i actually incorporate that   when i'm working when i'm doing my my videos and  i'm editing and i'm waiting for the conversion to   happen that's usually when i start my meditation  when i'm with my my wife and we go to the river   or we go out to the lake i do my meditating out  there as well we do that together and um it's   it's helped me to one get over my depression get  over my anxiety my ptsd i i have to stress this   to everyone you talk to your doctor before you  do anything but i slowly weaned myself off of   the pills that i was taking they weren't doing me  any good and i was actually getting thoughts that   i shouldn't have yeah but i once again you talk to  your doctor don't do it just because i did it um   but i was able to to slowly get off of those  medications and now my meditation is my medication   love that love that and okay so i'll kick  in the other side of that then because i   i think that there's a lot of opportunities  to strengthen our our inner reserves calm   our nervous system get to a place  where we feel safe and comfortable um   moving forward in life with our own inner  resources and then i also think that there's   there's conditions that require medication um i  have bipolar one uh bipolar one is more fatal than   breast cancer and testicular cancer combined and  so so with with those stats on hand and we know   that therapy is a really important component of  that and healthy eating weeping and water you   know um like sleep sleep cycles like throwing  off a bipolar person's sleep can be extremely   dangerous oh yeah using marijuana using over  the you know over-the-counter drugs that cause   stimulation using alcohol can be really really  dangerous and so you can eliminate all of those   factors you know have healthy sleep have exercise  get vitamin d all of that and still have a fatal   illness that is more you know has a higher  mortality rate than breast cancer and testicular   cancer combined right we think of schizophrenia  think of different you know different illnesses   that it can be really dangerous to try to wean off  of and so i think when it comes down to it it's   really a matter of looking at where do i want to  go in my life what is it that i'm shooting for and   that doesn't have to be i want a fortune one you  know fortune 100 company i want a ferrari i want a   waterfront home if if that's on your vision board  you know [ __ ] go for it i should say i don't   necessarily do vision boards but you know whatever  if that's if that's where you want to head go for   it you know for me um where i'm headed is like i  want a seven-figure company um eventually i'd like   an eight-figure company i want to drive a really  nice car i want a house that's paid off in full   i want my son to have a really grounded insane mom  i want a relationship that feels like home base   and anything beyond that is like yahtzee  man like i i'm excited and i know for me   meditation working a program of recovery with  the 12 steps doing you know things to support   my mental well-being like eating healthy and going  for walks on a pretty regular basis um those only  

2022-08-05 14:53

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