Build CONFIDENCE while growing your business
One of the most common things that happens with us, as coaches, is as we are leaning more and more into our careers, as we are leaning more and more into helping other individuals, and our success is determined by somebody else's transformation, when the transformation doesn't happen at the expected pace, by ourselves or by their expectations, we start to doubt ourselves. We start to wonder if we are good enough. We start to wonder if we are any good at this thing that we really love doing, this dialogue that we really love having. As a coach, have you doubted yourself? Have you wondered if you are good enough? Have you wondered, even when everybody tells you, by the way, that you are amazing, and you transformed their life, and you were an agent of change, have you taken a moment and said, "Hmm, I don't know if I'm good enough, if I'm good enough as a coach, am I good enough to really take this as a full time career? Am I just making this up, or is this a real thing?" If you are that person, I think today you're in for a treat. You see, one of the most powerful coaches that I know in the world right now, is Jason Goldberg.
Jason is a phenomenal coach. We have many quests by him on our platform, Evercoach. And while I was looking at great things to share with you on this YouTube channel, I found this amazing coaching session that he held at Mindvalley University, where he live-coached another coach who was struggling to find their value.
They were doubting themselves consistently, they were doubting if they were actually a good coach, even when people were telling her she's amazing. And I loved how Jason coached her through that process. And I wondered if you have doubted that for yourself, and if this demonstration, this coaching session, would also help you have that dialogue with yourself. And hopefully through this dialogue, through watching this dialogue, through playing with this dialogue as it unravels itself, hopefully you will find your power again. Hopefully you will stop doubting your capability as a coach, or at least you will have some tools to have that dialogue with yourself going into the future.
So with that, I invite you to watch this coaching session very carefully, and engage in this coaching session by leaving comments below. To share what's coming up for you, if you have an insight, if it's a question that really registered, if a metaphor really landed for you, go ahead and post that in the comment section below. And I'll see you after this coaching demonstration. - Hi Alesca. - Hello. - It's so good to see you.
- You too, thank you for having me here. - What was it? - Thank you for having me here. - Thank you, now this is weird, right? We don't do this, like, we don't like get coached in front of people. It's kind of strange. Oh, sorry, one thing before we go any further, I don't coach in shoes, so I'm gonna take my shoes off. So just really quickly, and if you want to- - I'm gonna do the same.
- Yeah, do it, do it, it's fine, yeah. I'm just gonna put mine over here. And you guys have a shoe shining service here, yeah? Good, okay, good, beautiful. And also, because Sid mentioned it, I'll just show you, I am wearing my Biggie Smalls socks today. So East Coast, ride or die, just so you guys know, sorry. (light applause) I know this....
Yeah, give it up for Biggie, all right, okay. (light applause) Where are my Tupac fans, where my Tupac fans? Get out the room, this is an East Coast... No, all right that's fine, all right, sorry. Sorry, I forgot, coaching is serious.
I apologize. Okay, Alesca, what can we play with today, that would be super, super significant, and fun, and powerful, in moving the needle forward in your life? - Well, I was hearing your talk, and I said to myself, like I have a very serious relationship, not with one ninja baby, but with the whole nursery. I have it all, like I told you, I feel I have it all.
I have the business, I have the husband, I have the travels, I have the energy, I have it all. But for some reason I'm stuck. It's like, I have the serious conversation with every thought that comes into my head that says, "You're not enough." And I'm like, "Why?" I mean, I'm here, I'm part of this tribe, I'm amazing. But I can say all of that in my head. Like, I can have the thoughts, but I don't feel it.
I was running a workshop yesterday, Naked Money, it was amazing. People got lots of insight from there. And they came up to me like, "Wow, this was amazing, I needed this space, this moment."
And I was like, "Thank you." And they were like, "You changed my life," and I was like, "Thank you, I rock, I know I rock." But then my husband asked me, "How do you feel?" And like, "Like shit." Because I don't know why I keep feeling like this.
Like, I'm not even proud of my own accomplishments. I'm so tired of that, like really. So thank you for inviting me here. - I hear you, and I've absolutely felt that. And it's totally normal to feel that way.
There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all. In fact, it shows how much you care about the work you do, that you refuse to just say, "Yeah, I'm the best, and I believe it, and that's all it is," because that could actually also take us off our game too, right? So the fact that you... it's obvious how much you care about the work you're doing and the people you serve.
- Yeah. - So how would you know that the work you were doing was enough? 'Cause it seems like people giving you all the praise, and you even knowing that it's powerful, isn't enough. How would you know? - I think it's allowing me to feel it, to feel that it's enough, but I was thinking about it. And it's like, when somebody comes up to me and tells me, "Wow, this was amazing, it changed my life."
I'm like, "Yeah, I feel it changed your life, thank you for telling me that." But I'm expecting them to say, "It changed my life, but..." But it wasn't enough, or I was expecting this or that, so... - And so you say that like it's a bad thing, if somebody said, "This changed my life, but..." So what's the worst...
give me the worst case, somebody says, "This changed my life, but I hate the color of your dress." What do they say (Alesca laughs) after the "but"? Which I love the color of your dress, by the way. - Well, I don't care if you don't like it. - Why don't you care if I don't like it? - Because it's my dress, it's my body. - Interesting. But if I talked about your work, that would be different.
- Well, no, not really. I've had people who said, "I don't like this." Yeah, so, "Thank you, I wish you a lot of success, bye-bye."
- Yeah. So your worst fear has happened and you're fine, so that's not the thing. - Yeah. - So what's the thing... what's the worst part about you owning that the work you do is fucking amazing? What's the danger in you owning that? - I think I'm dead scared of like, my power, because I know what I'm doing, it's not small.
(speaking emotionally) Well, I said I was going to say this out loud in Mindvalley, and here I am, you see? I'm really changing a continent. I'm from Venezuela, it's a country that you all know. And I started doing this for my country, for my continent.
I mean, people are struggling, and we have this opportunity to be here, and get all of this amazing knowledge. And I use metaphors, and distinctions, and stories, just to translate all of this country's world into other people's lives, who don't get access to this. And it works and it's amazing and I'm doing it.
And I know I can go into a massive scale. I haven't done that yet. And I think that I'm scared of that. (speaking emotionally) I'm scared of scaling up, because I have it, I have the system, it works, and I have the results.
I have everything, but I'm like there, it's like I can't move past that. - Why do you think that is? What are you scared of in scaling? - Maybe the responsibility? 'Cause with great power comes great responsibility. So yeah. - Do you feel any sense of burden that you're taking all this on your shoulders? - Yes, a lot.
(sniffs) - There's a woman named Nancy Kline, she wrote a book called "Time to Think", and another book called "More Time to Think", and... (Alesca laughs) - I think I need it. - Which I love, I think. And she says something in there that really hit me.
And at first it was kind of like, "Hey, fuck you." And then it was, "Oh wow, that's actually really powerful." She said that, in this world, no matter what it is we're doing, the work we're doing, conversation with people, whatever, we are both essential and irrelevant. - Yeah.
- And I'm curious if 5% of that significance, of changing the world was removed from your shoulders, how would this work feel different for you? (Alesca sighs) - I think it would be easier. - How so? - Well... Something came up, like maybe I took on this responsibility, because I was seeing that nobody else was doing it. So I said, "Okay, nobody else is doing it, I have to do something about this." And maybe I feel alone.
- I wanna turn to you guys for a second, 'cause I just wanna... this is beautiful, and I'm so grateful that you're sharing this, so thank you. Anybody else here ever feel responsibility for their clients' outcomes? And a good session means you're a good coach, and a bad session means you're a bad coach? Yeah. - Yeah. - So... What I think I heard you said was that when this feels like world-changing significant work that's on your shoulders, and you bear the burden of changing the entire landscape of a country, it feels a little challenging, which I get.
I need a nap just thinking about doing that. And when you... and you say that, if it wasn't as significant, if you were just doing the work because it was Thursday, instead of because it was this massive thing that you had to change the world with, it may feel a little easier; is that right? Okay.
So this element of being responsible for peoples' change, feeling responsible for changing an entire country, is this something that you feel? A level of responsibility to change all these things that you're working on? - Yeah. - Yeah, I get it. And that can drive us, there's nothing wrong with that at all. That's like, that can really get us out of bed.
Like, "I'm responsible to do this thing, and I'm somebody who lives in integrity, so I'm gonna make sure this happens." - Yeah. - And it has a shadow side, and it can drain our creativity. It can burn us out.
And it's a burden that we bear. So I'm curious. How would it feel different for you, if instead of your goal being to be responsible for changing the entire landscape of Venezuela, that instead you did everything in your power to simply contribute to change in Venezuela? If you look at that distinction, responsible for, versus contributing to, how does that land for you? - Well, actually I started working on that about a year ago, and I said, "Okay, well this is everybody's responsibility, it's not only mine." So when I switched to that, and I started working like that, actually my business started growing, because I was not only touching people in Venezuela, but in whole South America.
And people were (indistinct) everywhere. And I said, "This is not only a problem of Venezuela, it happens everywhere. It's just that it popped up in Venezuela, but it's the same everywhere." And so, yeah, I think I already started working on that, but maybe it's... I haven't gone deep enough.
- So what would it look like to go deeper on contributing to, versus responsible for? - Getting more people on board, and not being afraid to speak up my truth, and what I really want to do, so that I have more people helping me, actually, and contributing to the mission. - How would that change how you show up? - Well, I need to show up more. I mean, I see you, and I'm like, "I'm just like him." Like, I'm very playful, I'm very joyful, I have great energy.
I don't have problem with being on stage being coached, or that, and... But you show up more, you're more like, "Fuck them," you know? And I'm more like, "Not so much fuck them." - Yeah., so what do I know, or what am I a complete idiot about, that allows me to show up and do that? (Alesca laughs) That you're obviously smarter than me, that's why you don't do that, right? 'Cause I'm kind of an idiot sometimes.
So what is it that I know, that you think I know or have access to, that you don't know or have access to? - I think it's allowing yourself to play more, to just play and let go. And one of the things that this is... I was telling you before, like I love this constance of the universe and being here at Mindvalley. I'm actually working at the nursery, and I keep telling Kathy, like the manager there, every day, this is more for me than for the kids, you know? I need to be on the floor playing with Legos, and just not overthinking, and not having these serious conversations with myself.
Just being playful as a kid, because they're very creative, and I've learned so much from them. And you're like a big kid. - Huge.
- Like a big three-year-old, yeah. - I am an enormous three-year-old. I think it's a gland issue, I think is what's what's going on here. - Yeah. Yeah, I want more of that. I want to be like a...
So when you said, "I'm taking off my shoes," I'm like, "Yeah, I can get, you know, to be a kid." - Yeah. So how do you think your mission is gonna be held back if you continue to stay really serious with your thinking? - Well, it's not gonna move forward, it's just gonna to stay small. And I know I have much more to give, and to contribute, so... - Well, and this is the beautiful thing, right? This is the nature of how our consciousness and how our thinking works.
And it was what I had up on the screen, but I didn't get to explain it, and I'll explain it now. It's this hot air balloon metaphor, right? Hot air balloons are designed to rise, like they are literally designed to not be on the ground. On the ground, they're stupid, they're worthless; they're designed to rise. And so we have the little pull string, you pull the pull string, and the fire goes up into the balloon, and that's what makes it rise. But if we still have the little sandbags that are on the hot air balloon, we can push and push and push, and use more fuel and more fire. And if we're lucky enough to still ascend, it's gonna be slow, and it's gonna burn out all of our energy.
- That's me. - So the question is, some people, and myself included, I've definitely done this. This is actually my default, is to say, "I'm gonna double down and put even more fire, instead of simply saying, "What if I took these little sandbags, just very gently, and just kind of drop them off the edge?" Right, what if I question these thoughts? What if I took this thought less seriously? What if I allowed this thought to be, without it being a nuisance in my life, and allowed it to go away? Now, all of a sudden, with half, or a quarter of the firepower that I was using, the hot air balloon does what it's meant to do; and it's meant to rise. So what are the sandbags for you that you feel need to gently be released? - Self-judgment, not judging myself. - What does that mean, "self-judgment", how does that show up for you? - Well, I'm very hard on myself. I'm always criticizing myself, everything I do, or say or think, I even think, "Why am I thinking this?" Even if it's a good thing, "What did I think about this?" Just stop.
(sighs) So that would be a good thing. And well, and really not caring about what people think about me, 'cause I think I let go a lot of that, but I realized... I thought I was way passed, over that. No, I really care what they think about me.
And so it just... Yeah, letting go of that and letting go of the seriousness, letting go of the past. Like, doesn't matter what happened in the past, just letting go of that. I have a very hard time letting go of the past.
And yeah, and even the future, like, doesn't matter what happens in the future. Yeah, I have this idea, but it always shows up in a different way in my future. Like I'm here, I love it that I'm being here, but I never... This wasn't in my bucket list like 10 years ago.
- I love that you brought up the self-judgment thing, because I can sum up the most powerful coaching I've ever received in my life into 10 words. You guys wanna know the 10 most powerful words you could ever say to somebody to completely shift their life? Truly, do you wanna... I heard like one "Yes". Okay, all right, okay, just wanna make sure.
So my coach, Steve Chandler, couple years ago, I wrote him this email, long loopy email, just like, I don't know if I was on something, I don't know what it was. Three or four-page email that I sent him that just said all these things I was stressed about. "Steve, I don't know what to do, I just, I have this thing. And what if I invest in this, and I lose the money? Or what if this person doesn't sign up, or what if this doesn't grow the way I want it to? And oh God, what if I like, what if one day I have to go get a job again?" And I just go through this whole long thing, this literally four-page diatribe of all the things I'm worried about. He writes me back about two hours later, and he says 10 words: "So much compassion for what you're putting yourself through." (Alesca stifles sob) And I did the same thing you're doing right now, when I got that email.
'Cause it was freedom. - (sobs) Yeah. - Deep breath. (Alesca inhales) (both exhale) Thank you. - Thank you. - What do you think when you hear that? - (sighs) I would say the same thing to somebody else.
- Yeah, we're our worst clients. - Yeah. (laughs) - I would fire myself in a fucking hot minute. (audience laughs) - (laughs) Yeah. (exhales deeply) - But imagine if that was your only practice every day, is to notice when you're putting yourself through this, when you are making it a little bit too serious, when you're making it a little too significant, not as a judgment, as a noticing.
Like I truly believe that the heavy thoughts that we have, the self-judgment, all these things, it's like the light on our dashboard that tells us we're low on fuel, right? When I'm driving my car and the little light flashes, that says you're low on fuel, I would never say, "What a piece of shit car, really? Really, I put gas in you a week ago, and now you want gas again?" (Alesca and audience laughs) "This is so stupid." I would never do that, right? And at the same time, the gas light doesn't light up when you're out of gas, right? The gas light comes on when you still have 30, 40, 50 miles left to give you ample time to figure out what's off. - Yes. - It's just a gentle reminder, "Hey, just so you know, you're fine for now, but in 30 or 40 miles, sometime between now and then, maybe a good idea to pull off and get some gas." So what if every day, your only practice was to notice when that stuff was coming up, to not judge it, to not force it away, to not to try to overcome it, or over masculinize the spiritual bypassing and reframing and all that shit, that's great.
But often useless when we're kind of at a low place, was to notice that, as a blinking light on the dashboard, to let you know something maybe a little off. And just to ask yourself, you can have a little compassion for whatever you're putting yourself through. Do you think that would be helpful? - Yeah. I have to learn.
- Or you don't, you don't have to do shit. - Okay. (laughs) - None of us do. Like seriously, this coaching thing, nobody has to change. You guys are all perfectly fine. I remember a guy came to me and he said, "I want you to coach me so I can get my wife to stop being late."
(Alesca and audience laugh) And I said, "Well, is it a problem for her that she's late?" He goes, "No." I said, "Well, there's nothing to coach around. She's fine, you're the one with the problem.
I can coach you to stop making it so significant that your wife is always late, but I can't coach her, there's no problem." So there's no problem with anything you're saying. If you didn't change a single thing, you would still rock out.
You would still fucking crush it, and you would make a huge impact in the world. And sometimes that's like swimming laps in a pool of hot lava. It's an awesome workout, but you're gonna be dead before you can realize the benefits. - Hmm. Yeah.
(chuckles) - So what I want for you is that smile, that essence, that spirit to be your guiding force, to wake up every day and say, "Today I'm gonna play, today I'm gonna create." And in the inevitable times where you're down, and your consciousness gets low again, to say, "Oh," this is what I call having a Britney Spears moment, right? You have a negative thought pop in your head, and you go, "Oops, I did it again." (Alesca and audience laugh) And it's that gentle, it's just, "Oops, I did it again, a thought popped in my head, I took it seriously, how sweet of me to do that? Like how innocent?" And I mean, I really like how innocent am I, that a thought popped in my head and I took it seriously? - Yep. - So if we were starting this session over again right now, what would you be asking me, instead of what you said when you first came up? - How do we play more? - Mm. - I love that, so tell me, how do you play more? - Take off your socks.
- Take off my socks? - Yeah. - You're trying to strip me down in front... Is this... - Just get on the same level. (laughs) - So can somebody give her some singles, some dollar bills, so we can make this happen? No, I'm just kidding. What else would playing look like for you in your world? What brings you joy, like when are you really in your...
like your highest joy, what are you doing? - Well, I'm gonna use a metaphor. - Oh good, we were talking about those today, so this is good, yeah. - Yeah, so for me when I'm coaching, or when I'm delivering a workshop or talk, or whatever it is, I imagine the audience is like this pot full of popcorn.
But it's the corn, like the raw corn, and they're just there, and I'm just heating it up, just playing around, you know, moving it. Then I just put the butter, and then you just see the first one pop, it's like, "Yeah, it's working." - I love that. - And then it's just one, I'm like, "Where are the others, where are the others, why isn't it happening?" So I just have to keep the heat going on, and I just see all the faces, you know? And it's like popcorn. You just see the...
see it in everybody's faces, like they're getting something inside, or something that's really making them come out of their shell, like a beautiful popcorn, you know? They're all different. And then you just put some seasoning on, and then you have the best popcorn of your life. So this is what I love doing.
- That's amazing. Give a round of applause for that, I mean, come on. (audience applauds) Like really lighting people up in the world.
God I'm so, so hungry now. Outside of your work, what else put you in a place of joy? - Cooking. - Cooking, like what would you cook that would put you in a place of joy? - Popcorn. (laughs) - No, that's good. We've gone from metaphor, to the literal, good.
- Yeah, 'cause it's the literal, I mean, it's my world, I'm a cook, I learned how to cook and I love cooking. And even when I travel to different countries, I just learned the basics of each country. And then I go to my own lab, which is my kitchen, and I just start, you know, mixing up ingredients and just... I can be... it's so mindful for me.
I can be there for three, four hours. And for other people it would be like, "Ah, I'm so stressed, I have to be in the kitchen." But for me, it's like, it's joy. That's my playground. And then it's so tasty, and you know, my husband, he loves me for that. (laughs) - That's amazing, will you cook for me as well? - Yes, of course.
(laughs) - So you're in your joy when you're serving, and you're in your joy when you're cooking, what else? What else could you do, that's a very small thing, that would put you in joy? - Where I'm... when I'm singing, where I'm making music. I play the piano. So since I'm here, I've been... the guys in the back, they've seen me, because I come here in the morning, and I just play, allowing myself to play. And yeah, just singing, dancing, and all of self-expression.
- And are you allowed to do that? Are you allowed to play more, is that okay? - Yes. - Does it make you less professional if you play? - No. - Does it make you less effective as a coach if you play? - No.
- Does it mean you don't care about your business if you play? - No. - Is it possible that it's the opposite of all those things when you play? - Yes, exactly, that's what I did last Friday. I had a lot of things to do for my business, and I said, "Oh, maybe I won't go in the morning to play piano." I said, "Fuck the business, I'm gonna go play piano."
And yeah, I just made time for myself, played the piano, and then just went out and worked. And I had time for everything. - I love that. So what is your commitment going forward, so that you can playfully... your playful commitment, not like this, "I'm gonna carve out six hours a day to meditate, and play, and I'm gonna be really fucking playful. You just watch me."
(Alesca laughs) If we didn't do it that way, how could we more gently commit to you being more playful going forward? - Well, one of the things that I committed to, well, starting Mindvalley University, since I'm working with the kids, was I'm going to play out full, like a kid. I'm going to behave like a three-year-old. So I'm just growing, and making new friends. And like, I have very... like a lot of new best friends, and I just play with them. And even this is kind of weird, but it's not a metaphor, it's a real thing.
You know, when you go to the bathroom, and the kids, the three to four-year-old, they're like, "Hey, they're having fun in the bathroom." And I'm like, "I'm gonna do that, just to have fun." And it's my own, it's my me-time. But I'm going to enjoy myself, (voice breaks) because this is one of the things that I haven't done, I haven't enjoyed myself.
So I'm going to not work on that, I'm going to play on that. - Boom. - I'm going to enjoy myself. That's what I'm gonna do. - There's a tool that I have that I use called PBQs, prison break questions.
And I've shared 'em at Evercoach Summit before. And a prison break question essentially is a question that takes a problem, and makes it no longer problematic. And the structure of it is, "If I knew, what would I do," right? Essentially, if I knew, what would I do? So I'd love for you to come up with a prison break question for yourself, and maybe it's now, or maybe it's later, or maybe it's both, to remind yourself that play is actually the quickest route to all the things that you want. It's not apart from what you want to create, it's a part of what you want to create. Does that make sense? - Yes.
- So something, even to the effect of, "If I knew that find my joy was the quickest route to change the entire landscape of Venezuela, how would I show up in this moment?" - I think it's music. - Now that's a question you would take with you, and you can just ask yourself that question whenever you're kind of feeling a little heavy, a little down, is just really asking yourself, "If I knew that me finding my joy was the quickest route to the change I wanna make, how would I show up in this moment?" And in that moment, in that instance, you can shift the entire perspective of how you're showing up in the world. Do you know that that's possible for you? - Yes, it is.
And it's something I've... it's like, I've known this all my life. - Yeah.
- And I know it right now, and why didn't I do it? But yeah, I think the biggest hits in my career, and for my audience and all of that, is when I've brought music into what I'm teaching them. And the response has been amazing. And I'm always saying, "Oh, you know, after Pula, I do it, after this, I do it, after Christmas, I'll do it, after this I'll start." And I haven't started yet, so I'm gonna start now. - Yeah, give her a round of applause.
(audience applauds and cheers) - Thank you. - I'm super excited for you, because you do, you have such an amazing spirit, and such a huge heart, and such an obvious desire to serve. And I know that when you tap into this joy, I know that's when you're at your best. - Yeah.
Thank you. - So what is your... what is the big takeaway that you're gonna have from this? What's one insight that you really feel like is gonna make a difference, if you practice it going forward? - It's about me, it's about allowing myself to be with me, to play with me, to be compassionate towards me, and... Yeah, just be who I'm supposed to be and not delay it anymore.
- And remembering also it's... I love that you just said this, you guys all catch a few seconds ago when she said, "I already know this stuff, like I know this already." I love when people say that, because when a lot of coaches that have big egos don't like to hear, especially when I say this, they get really upset, is that we're actually, as coaches, we're in the PR business, but PR stands for permission and reminders. That's the business we're in. So there was nothing I was trying to teach you up here.
I'm just trying to point you back to what you already know, to give you permission to play, to give you the reminder that's happening in your joy is the quickest route to you creating something meaningful in the world. So thank you so much for sharing with us. - Did you enjoy, and found it very insightful, to listen in to this coaching conversation? If the answer is yes, hit that like button, and share this video with anybody that you feel can use this information. Thank you so much for tuning in, this is Coach Ajit, and you're watching this on Evercoach.
2022-05-01 10:43
