「不再極力討好那些一定會討厭你的人。」- #阿滴 的 #抉擇的科學
Du Sheng Rui. Xing Rui. "Xing." It's "Xing Rui!" Because you're a frugal person. You've known me for so long! But now, I don't think I need to please anyone.
I can easily accept the fact that there is a group that will always hate me regardless of what I do. I clearly remember that last straw. I was giving a speech in Tainan. It was so...
I could physically feel something in me snapped. My heart just snapped. There is a comment that is seared into my memory, "The sight of him disgusts me." After I got sick, this comment became my voice when I talked to myself.
I'd tell myself that I was a disgusting person. Hey, how are you doing today? Welcome to Li Ke Tai Tai. Wait, your mood changed too fast.
Ray, what's the matter? Before we started filming, the mood was totally different. I couldn't adjust to that. What mood? Please don't say that.
I need to change my frequency. You changed too fast, I couldn't catch up. Hey, how are you doing today? Welcome back to Li Ke Tai Tai. Hi, I'm Ray. It's a pleasure to be here with Li Ke Tai Tai... Why is your voice getting softer? No, you were...
Your smile seems shy, I thought my voice should be a little muted. Oh, OK. What everyone knows about Ray is that he has a little sister. And by the way, your little sister is almost 30. Yes. We should start calling her "Big Crown."
Yes. You and I agreed we'd write a post about it and make her name "Big Sis Crown." Then you'd give her a plaque. Yes.
Then everyone would stop calling me Big Sis Ray. But I thought you liked that name. No, I can't wait to get rid of it. I think you care a lot about your sister.
Yes. Was it the pressure from your parents? Well... It's more because of how we grew up. I studied in a primary school in Singapore. My sister and I were sent there.
And since most of my family are women, my three cousins, and my sister were living together. I became the only boy in the house. I had this sense of duty that I must protect everyone. So I took great care of my sister.
I took care of my cousins too. You took great care of them in many aspects. You even helped them with their career.
I'm slowly making adjustments to my methods. Or perhaps it's already done. I won't impose my value onto others.
Did you, in the past? Yes. When my sister and I first started our YouTube channel, I imposed my ideas for work onto her. I'd tell her that a certain period could only be used for work and she mustn't take any breaks. And then our schedule must have a certain order and we must discipline ourselves.
I demanded if she ever started her own channel, it must focus on knowledge and information. At first, I wanted her to start a channel "Crown Du Chinese." She even made it into a Chinese grad school just because of that. But when he pondered on it, she realized it wasn't what she wanted, that it wouldn't have lasted long. So she started her own channel.
And afterward, I told her about how I found success with mine. So I told her she should make a playlist and whatnot. I told her not to post cheeky videos without any planning. But then I realized everyone has their own pacing at work.
When you impose too many of your ideas onto someone, you might find their starting is very smooth, but they'd be walking behind you under your shadow. So when she has her opinions about certain matters, she'd suppress those opinions. I've made adjustments that I will listen to her thoughts first or listen to whoever is working with me.
I'll listen to their takes on a certain matter before expressing my own opinions so we can find a middle ground we can all work on to make progress. So you must feel very happy now. You are living under Crown's shadow now.
When I... When I saw your expression, I already knew you'd say something to make fun of me. Each of us has found our own paths. When I see her success, I'm glad that I didn't continue to impose my ideas as her caretaker just to push her forward the way I deemed fit. Look at her career with her beverage business. I basically never intervene with her business.
She's running it herself. So I was shocked to see that she runs a bigger business than mine. I'm the youngest among my siblings. So my question for you is, would you like to have an older brother like me or the present? -People desire what they do not have. -I agree. But I wouldn't want a brother like you.
Why? I don't like being bossed around. I see. That is true enough.
And then you formed a schedule for her. He so calmly said Crown's videos were meaningless. He just slipped the message right into it and thought I didn't notice. No, her videos are great. Those videos are great. OK, that kind of videos are trending on YouTube.
You post a lot of meaningless videos now. You are following the trend as well. I'm on the bandwagon. Yes.
Your mood adjustment is great. When Ray overcame depression not long ago, he started to... Set myself free. I think you are trying new things. To try certain things in life to see if you like it or not.
I try to be myself now. I try not to carry too many burdens compared to the past. I used to think that my channel was about teaching English. So that gave everyone the impression that I was a nice guy and a good brother. So there were many things I couldn't do. I couldn't use vulgarity in public or talk about something too sexual.
But now... He can't wait to do those things. I'm not that eager, but there aren't as many limits. What made you feel you wouldn't have so many burdens? One key idea is related to pleasing the others. Who should I please? But now, I don't think I need to please anyone.
I can easily accept the fact that there is a group that will always hate me regardless of what I do. I accept that fact wholeheartedly. Me too. I know.
In the past, I didn't make any enemies. I'm the kind of kid in a class who is always nice and settles things peacefully. I left a good impression on everyone, but I didn't know them too well.
This personality, this side of me would become a source of stress for a public figure and content creator who must face the people every day. When you run into a hater, you'll want to clarify that you actually do things the other way and there must be some misunderstanding because you shouldn't hate me. When you try your best to please someone who will always hate you, it can be very stressful. You are limited from doing things that might upset them. You might have to be cautious at everything you do.
But now, I accepted that reality. I won't try to change that. I still have a crowd I want to please, but they are my audience and myself, and everyone that is close to me. So setting up a range helped to improve my mental health greatly. This is a lesson many people, especially YouTubers can learn from. Find out what is the source of stress.
Find the cause. It's just as Ray mentioned. Try not to please everyone. Try not to hate the fact that people just hate you. Yes. When you get too distracted from your goal, you can turn around and analyze the problem again.
I don't need everyone to like me. But it's also human nature. We are afraid of not having love. We are afraid of being denied. It's the fear of rejection.
Yes. Maybe years ago, only a couple hundred of people know me. But now, two million people know who Ray Du is. -That is not natural. -Yes.
In the world of nature, no one would have to face two million people. It's the physical limitation of human evolution. We are not prepared to face so many people at the same time.
The development of human civilization resulted in us having to deal with a great shift of paradigm. We suddenly need to face so many people and their comments about us. If you do not process the stress slow and patiently, you could just put up with it by not reading the comments. You could just ignore it. But they are still there.
Yes, they are never gone. You simply chose to ignore them. So when you finally have to face the problems...
It's inevitable. Yes. There are things we want to run away from. But life has a sadistic sense of humor which puts you up against the problems. You can either face them or get lost. It's right in your face.
Rather than putting up with it, it's better to adjust the mood. To recover from depression, one of the greatest realizations is to know what can be controlled and what can't. What can we control in our life? When you fall sick, you can control nothing. I couldn't even control my own thoughts. At that stage, there is this greater fear.
"I can't even control my own thoughts, is there nothing I can decide in this life?" So throughout our life, we are always searching for this sense of control. But the irony is that only one thing remains the same; Everything changes. Unless you see the differences, it's easy to fall into the trap of trying to control that which can't be and become stressed.
When there are things you want to do but couldn't, there is always this pressure in your mind no matter what you think. It weighs you down. Yes. When it happens multiple times, it weighs you down even more every time.
That is not the worst. But when the burden becomes too much, even your inner drive will be gone. You just don't want to do it anymore. That is a precise way to describe it.
I still remember very clearly that last straw. I was giving a speech in Tainan. It was so... I could physically feel something in me snapped. My heart just snapped. When it happened, everything just...
Before that day, the stress was accumulating. I tried to keep it subdued. I told myself it was nothing.
I told myself it'd be over. I only subdued the stress and not processed it. When it snapped, I spent far more time to heal. It's actually a concept known as Mental Hygiene.
You must be honest with yourself. Do not wait until it finally snaps to heal. Once you are sick, it'll be a painful and very long journey. I once saw this comment. There is a comment that is seared into my memory, "The sight of him disgusts me." After I got sick, this comment became my voice when I talked to myself.
I'd tell myself that I was a disgusting person. That is a symptom. You keep denying your value and fall into this rumination.
You keep thinking about the same thing. If those words came from the others, it'd be OK. You could always choose to ignore them. But when it becomes your inner voice when you talk to yourself, there is no escape.
When you are alone by yourself, you are surrounded by those voices. Those voices slowly internalize. Now, back to the topic about mood. Back then, I was still hoping no one would hate me. I wanted them to know I meant well and what is my goal for doing what I do. Instead of misunderstanding me and spreading the negativity to more people.
So when I tried to make up for this part, I'd take those opinions as valid feedback. It became a loop of self-reflection. And eventually, it became self-hate. The sickness didn't come in one day. As we mentioned, it's an accumulation of stress you refuse to face.
When it finally snaps, the condition is like a roller coaster ride. It nosedived. You fell. The whole thing collapsed. I went through the process personally.
So I know how dark and hopeless it felt like. I hope by sharing my story I can bring more positivity to the audience. If you are going through the same thing, maybe my story can give you hope. After I posted that video, I think about six YouTubers messaged me. They told me they had the same problem. There was no way you could tell they were having problems.
I was glad to share my experience with them and tell them how I made it. If you manage to adjust the mood before the snap, it's always better. Prevention is better than treatments. If you have the resources, it's better to go see a counselor.
A counselor won't tell which action to take. Yes. A counselor will listen to your thoughts and point out some of the blind spots.
Sometimes, we are trapped within our thoughts. A counselor helps to manage your emotions. A counselor gives you new perspectives. "Oh."
"You can see it from this perspective." Or maybe you'll learn the core of the problem isn't from the frustration in present, but instead something from way back when. I think counseling is like nourishment. Don't wait until you're completely overwhelmed.
You can. It's not too late even then, but it should have been done sooner. I must give some clarification. Counseling is a very intense emotional labor.
A depression patient can make the life of those around them very tough. I had depression. I was in pain. I was aware of the negativity and pressure I gave to those around me. And my caretakers had to take turns to look after me.
I was in a very tough situation. When they were with me, they felt the same amount of pain as me. And the worst of it is the helplessness. Even the caretakers were clueless about what they could do to help. I could listen to your thoughts, but you've repeated it so many times. As the patient, I knew I repeated the same stuff.
But I couldn't control myself. I kept bringing it up and talked about negative stuff. It was rumination.
Going to a counselor is a way to reduce the burden of your caretakers. So do you think it helped by going to a counselor? I think it's necessary. As a caretaker myself, I was at the end of my rope. Yes, I can relate to that.
Even my caretaker went to counseling. I felt so lost about the situation. You didn't know what else can be done. You started to doubt yourself. I am so grateful for those who were willing to spend time to look after me, whether they are friends or family.
It's a very dangerous task. One can easily be pulled into the abyss too. At that time, I couldn't be very considerate. I couldn't even control my thoughts.
But after I recovered, I realized how noble their sacrifice was. Not everyone can do it. I think we can have an episode about being a caretaker.
The caretakers themselves aren't sick. But they need to carry the patient forward. That is a whole other level of stress for them. It's especially so when the depression patients would try to end their lives, it's even more stressful for the caretakers. They are worried missing a phone could result in unspeakable consequences.
So now I try to repay their kindness. They were there for me, now I repay them in double. It's like the movie "The Cat Returns." They made sacrifices when I needed them the most.
Now I can repay them. For example, you were one of those who took care of me when I was in depression. You gave me a lot of information because you're a caretaker too.
So I want to... Look after me instead? Yes. Are you throwing up? Don't do it.
It's a growing process for you. For so long, Ray has been working and he is passionate about his work. When you can no longer work, part of the identity was... Your identity is taken from you. It was taken. Du Sheng Rui.
Xing Rui. "Xing." It's "Xing Rui!" Because you're a frugal person. You've known me for so long! Wait. Wait, because you are... Because I'm a frugal person.
Yes, you are. But I like to reflect on my mistakes. So It's "Xing."
But you're more of a frugal person. I'm frugal. Frugal, yes.
Du Xing Rui. Yes. A name with a heteronym.
There are two heteronyms. "Du" and "Dou," "Xing" and "Sheng." "Dou Sheng." "Dou Sheng Rui." No, listen. When I was getting my medicine, the person at the counter said my name wrong.
"Dou Sheng Rui." No, he called me "Dou Sheng Duan." And I knew it was probably me.
Sorry, my name is Du Xing Rui. You pronounced the whole name wrong. Everyone's identity is very important for their mental health.
It's deep within us. It's a source of your self-worth. If all the pillars supporting the inside are gone, you collapse.
Everyone needs to understand their own limits in life, that everyone is unique. For you, work is important. For the others, maybe a relationship means more to them. Or perhaps it can be their families. We must learn to know ourselves better.
Try to understand what is most important to your identity. Sort out the priorities. The more it means to you, the harder it affects you.
Yes. You were affected by your job. After we are affected, we must learn to take care of our body and maintain our mental health as we grow.
Yes. Society still lacks the necessary emphasis on this matter. They think enduring it makes you tough.
They would tell you crying is not right, or you shouldn't spread the negativity around. We should encourage people to value their mental health. If anyone has any trouble or is facing obstacles they can't overcome, we should talk about it.
Yes. We shouldn't keep it to ourselves. You can try to observe yourself. After you tell your friends about your worries for several times, you realize it's about the same thing. It's just as Einstein said. If you keep trying to do the same thing despite failing, the action itself is unwise I recall something.
When I was sick, the object of my problem is right here. I tried to break through it by solving it. But I couldn't do it. Not to mention I was sick. The sickness erected another tall wall for me. Before, I couldn't solve my problem.
Now, there is another problem at hand. I must get better. The mentality of trying to resolve the problem caused me even more pain. The problem when we are little is our grades. Studying is a selfish action.
If you absorb the knowledge, it's yours. Then you do well in the tests. But after graduation, nothing is certain even when you give it your best. No. It's even more so for YouTubers. You put in great efforts, but there is no way to guarantee the result.
It's full of uncertainties. So it became a habit for me to set up other pillars to support my mental health The pillars will guarantee a sense of fulfillment for me. One of them is cooking for myself. What? Are you taking a dig at me? What? Cooking. As Ray mentioned just now, the only thing you can control is yourself. You have no control over the views of your videos.
When you give it your best for it, your work ends there. Rather than worrying about the results, what we should do is to ask ourselves whether the video meets the standard I set. If it does, then move on. Yes, indeed. Why did he mention his cooking? Perhaps people get better at cooking over time. Everyone can...
I think most people can. Yes, most people do. You can practice how to notice and differentiate. Sometimes, we don't know until it's too late. If something means a lot to you, do you have control over it or not? Secondly, if you have control over it, did you do well with it? Focus your attention on things you can control.
As we mentioned in the beginning, you can control which people you want to please. You will never have control over who hates you. So ignore them. No matter how much effort you put in, it's just a loop of negativity. So carve out the range that you have to care is important.
Growing up is to know yourself better and realize what you value the most. If what you value is affecting you, think about the next step. You can either ignore it or find a way to not be affected. Yes.
I believe it doesn't just apply to public figures. The stress children are facing nowadays is much greater than when we were little. That is certain.
The time people spend together is much longer nowadays. Yes. The technologies and the way humans interact are changing rapidly. The need of promoting mental health will become more relevant. Yes.
For Ray, he has experienced a small transition into his better self. But in the end, you can only change yourself. What you can change is the way you view things and how you react to them. Focus on what you can control. Yes.
So this is a story of Ray's maturing. I'm mature now. Thank you for watching. That's all for today. If you like this video, please comment, like and share.
Subscribe if you haven't already. Thank you for watching, see you next time. I hope I didn't just ruin my image. Thank you. It's too late.